Dirty Bastards!

Hello,
Some of you may recall my plan to turn the communal bin area behind my flats into a garden. Well today I escaped from work a couple of hours early and since it was a nice day thought I'd make a start.

Imagine my horror when I was greeted with the mess above! You will note that there is less piled up stinking rubbish in the second picture than in the first. This is only because I put the rubbish lying on the path into the three EMPTY bins available. These are now full to overflowing. The two blue bins at the back are next to bloody useless recycling bins that from what I could tell appear to be full of rainwater and nothing else. They're also locked with only a small hole for paper to go into, meaning there is nowhere for the remaining rubbish to go!

I came back indoors to fire off an email to the council, vent a bit of rage and have a rest before getting back into it.

It's just so frustrating. Why in God's name won't they put the rubbish in the bin? I have resigned myself to cleaning up after the rest of the close since I seem to be the only current resident that would prefer not to live in a landfill site. I don't understand their behaviour or mindset at all. Any suggestions on tackling this problem that don't involve physical violence (that is plan b)?

Cheerio

Advice For Chaps

Hello,
As a lady who is rather fond of male company I do not like to speak ill of the chaps but sometimes events force one to reach conclusions. The following is directed to the more excitable chap and was provoked by an incident that took place about ten minutes ago.

Unless I am very much mistaken there is no law against women popping down to the shops of an evening. Nor has a curfew been imposed on the ladies. In fact if a gender based curfew were to be imposed I don't think the birds would be subject to it. If there is a case for movements to be restricted it is the chaps given the statistics on who is more likely to be a victim of violent crime and who is more likely to be the perpetrator. Not that I'm calling for a curfew to be placed on men. On the contrary I think they should be left to go about their business unmolested and if they could extend me the same courtesy we'd all get along famously.

There I was strolling back from the shops when a young fellow at least ten years my junior jumped on my back and asked where the party was. Being somewhat startled at being attacked from the rear and not wishing to appear daft because I had and have no idea where the party is I kicked him.

Well you'd have thought I'd tried to rape him the way he carried on. I calmly asked him to imagine how he'd feel and react if a strange man jumped on his back. This seemed to get him and his friends very angry indeed, prompting one of them to steal my hat and kick my arse. I then asked why it required six of them to harass one women. To which they responded that they were in fact having a laugh. Well with it not being at all funny I'd missed that.

By this point all I wanted to do was get home and take the painkillers I'd popped out to purchase. Just as I thought I was going to be stuck there all night trying to negotiate the return of my hat the police strolled into view. The hat was then handed over very quickly and the chaps made their exit. Which is peculiar because up until the police appeared they were adamant they hadn't done anything wrong.

Still this sort of thing shouldn't require the threat of the law to deal with. If we all follow a few basic ground rules when we're out and about the world will go round a good deal more smoothly than it does. I therefore unveil the lessons to be drawn from this sorry episode.

1. Do not jump on peoples backs it is startling and you do not have the right to lay hands on a another individual without their permission.

2. If you really must jump on folks back do not act the injured innocent when they take reasonable steps to defend themselves.

3. Do not steal peoples hats. Until a government is elected on a socialist programme of hat redistribution this sort of thing is illegal.

4. It really doesn't take six men to harass one female. The Yorkshire Ripper managed to kill stacks of them all by himself. I suggest you allow for women's inferior physical strength and only harass large groups of women. I will of course hoot as you are debagged, humiliated and beaten senseless. Strength in numbers cuts both ways.

5. Never do anything in public you could not justify to the police. Or if you do don't whine at getting caught.

6. A woman walking along the street is not a target but a human being going about their business. If that is too difficult for you to grasp then ponder the fact that between the ages of 19 and 20 I rarely went out without in a knife and a can of hairspray in my handbag. The boy who jumped on me was quite lucky to suffer nothing more than a bruised shin.

7. If I wanted male attention I would court it. I expect I'd get all dolled up and show a bit of cleavage. I would not be walking along in baggy clothes and a hat making eye contact with the space six inches above your head. I am not subtle. If I want your attention you'll know all about it.

8. Treat women going about their business the way you'd want your wife, sister, girlfriend or mother treated. Unless you regularly jump on their backs.

9. Men hanging around in packs, wearing excessive aftershave and crap shirts tucked into their jeans appeal to only the silliest of women. Note the furrowed brow! I might be daft but I'm not brain dead -you operate way beneath my head.

10. If you really can't contain yourself in the presence of women stay at home and look at pictures of them on the Internet and seek urgent medical advice.

Cheerio

A Mysterious Incident in The Office.

Hello,
I did promise you all a tale about my irritating work colleague so here it is. I did have a sketch to accompany it but my scanner is in a huff, so you'll need to wait for that. In the meantime here goes.

On Friday morning my irritating colleague called in sick stating he'd suffered 'a fall'. For reasons that are beyond me he turned up at the office at lunch time to explain face to face that he wouldn't be in. As he was due in at 10am by lunchtime we'd all worked that out.

Imagine my surprise and delight when he appeared reeking to high heaven of drink with cuts to both sides of his face his nose and knuckles still claiming to have fallen. A story he stuck to even after the entire office had stated it was obvious he's been in a fight.

His 'story' is that he was coming back from the pub and slipped on some gravel on a 'steep hill' after which everything conveniently goes blank. Now I'm no expert on forensics, in truth I am not even incompetent in it, however how is it possible to fall on your face and not only graze both knuckles but cut one's nose quite deeply, scrape both cheekbones and get a black eye?

Being an unusually clumsy individual I am expert on the subject of falling and those injuries aren't consistent with a fall. So the question arises what fucking hero walloped him? Who is the chap? What does he drink? What happened?

I am afraid I have become obsessed with uncovering the truth. So much so that Mr Clairwil half expects to me turn up in a deerstalker which is just silly, I see myself as more in the Miss Marple mould. I have even retraced his steps from the pub and can report that there is no loose gravel and no steep hills.

I suspect I know the motive all I'm missing is the perpetrator. I will keep you posted.

Traumatised

Hello,
As some of you may be aware 'The Merchant City Festival' was in full swing this weekend. As a resident I'm a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. The local shops have done a roaring trade and not just the wank boutiques but paper shops and the like, we've had a street market and opera singers at the back of the close. All of which please me.

However as with all things there is a terrible, terrible downside. Every single arsehole in Glasgow has descended on the place, all weekend I've had to repress the urge to take to the streets with a loudhailer screaming 'get back to the west end cunts'. Some truly appalling music has been played live by various folk who'd be better off as accountants and worst of all I was attacked!

I was strolling along Ingram Street minding my own business when I was cornered by two chaps dressed as dogs, who proceeded to bark loudly and sniff bits of me that should be left undisturbed in public. Black affronted does not even begin to cover it. Naturally I put on my 'good sport' face but I wanted to kill them. A small crowd gathered to point and hoot at this blatant sexual assault as if what was happening was not already embarrassing enough. As you know I'm not one to point fingers but the pair of beasts have the nerve to bill themselves as 'suitable for children' -they ought to be lynched.

As a direct result of this I've been having one of my turns all evening. Nerves as per bloody usual. I expect the drama students in dog costumes have been smugging all night about making the public part of the performance. I hope they are murdered in their beds.

Cheerio

Dereliction Of Duty

Hello,
It occurs to me that I haven't posted anything rude about a politician for ages. I can only apologise to my elected chums and trust none of them are feeling too neglected.

First up the Tories have irritated me. It's just like the 80's again. As you'll all be aware Thatcher popped round to Gordon Brown's pad for tea and crumpets or to noise up David Cameron depending on your view. Anyway a few of the Tories have got all huffy and upset about it, claiming that she's a frail and lonely old lady and is being exploited. Have they seen her lately? She looks more terrifying than ever. In any case in the unlikely event she and Cameron were to have a bare knuckle boxing contest I know where my money would be going.


That being their opinion I wonder how many of them pop in to visit or give her a ring to see if she wants any shopping done? Not many because they all keep their distance depending on how much of a liability they see her as having consulted with umpteen focus groups. If I were her I'd join Respect to really mess with their minds.

Obviously the government have upset me, I believe it was one of those pledges they kept banging on about. Apparently 24 hour licencing has got to go because some people are too bloody stupid to go to the pub without making a nuisance of themselves. Naturally this has got the puritans creaming their drawers with excitement.

Rather than restrict opening hours could they not try something like policing the town centres at peak times. They started doing it Glasgow a while back and fuck me violent crime at the weekend fell by 13%! It's almost as if the police were acting as some sort of deterrent. In addition to the visible and surprisingly civilized and good natured police presence they have fellows in fluorescent jackets who keep the taxi queue moving in an orderly fashion and direct folk to buses etc.

If the government place us all under house arrest at any point in the next ten years I will not raise an eyebrow. More seriously why can't they just leave us alone. Stop smoking, lose weight, stop drinking. For God's sake it's like living with my mother.

Has anyone looked into the effects of all this nagging on the population? Maybe all the stress they're putting us under is causing everyone to reach for the bottle. At times they make me want to smoke crack and bite folk.

Why can't they accept that human nature cannot be perfected by legislation? Look at the smoking ban. The only difference in my habits is that I sit outside at the pub and talk to all the interesting folk, leaving all the lemon suckers inside. Life expectancy in the U.K is longer than it's ever been. Why the sudden hysteria about self inflicted premature death?

I live in a town centre so I'm no stranger to the problems caused by drunken halfwits but I also know that the majority of people are able to go out for a few pints without causing mayhem. I am merely suggesting that they leave the rest of us alone and arrest the idiots. Honestly they're worse than those teachers that punish entire classes for the 'crimes' of an individual.

Cheerio

For The Love Of God.......

Hello,
Back in April I decided to transfer my mortgage following a few misunderstandings with the bank. That is to say the bank don't understand that I'm disorganised and require far more money than I earn to live decently. Anyway I tootled along to a mortgage broker who reckoned he could get anyone anything -to look at him you'd think butter wouldn't melt but he tried to bribe me to refer clients to him during the course of my application! Naturally I declined out of fear of getting caught rather than any moral objection.

After trying for months on end to get the bank to give me a settlement figure (six written requests 17 phone calls and two faxes), I had all that I needed to go ahead. The nice lady at my new mortgage company assured me that everything was fine and I should have my old mortgage settled and the wee bit extra within a week. That was three weeks ago.

I phoned again last week at was told all the paperwork was at the lawyer so it should be done and dusted in the next few days. I phoned the lawyers who advised that I should have the money in the next 5-7 days. Still nothing.

I had intended to go away for a few days next week -Belfast since you ask and was relying on that money to pay for it. There doesn't appear to be any law against torturing debtors in this way and you may be surprised to learn I seem to be the only person anything like this has ever happened to -something of a recurring theme in my life.

I'm at the end of my tether with it. Any suggestions that don't involve me strangling a hapless office clerk with my bare hands.

The Health Service Fights Back

Hello,
As someone who has been sent potty to the tonsils by working with the public I'm always pleased to hear of the front line fighting back.

Last weeks Digger carries the tale of one David Perham, a nurse working at Stobhill hospital. There was Mr Perham in the middle of a twelve hour shift when David Anderson was admitted with back pains. Mr Perham offered Mr Anderson paracetamol only to be told that 'they're fucking useless'. He then went to get another nurse to help deal with the complaint, to which Mr Anderson responded by calling him 'a useless cunt'. At this our hero Perham struck a blow form common sense and slapped Mr Anderson right on the kisser. Isn't it hilarious? Can you just imagine the look on his face?

Obviously one shouldn't condone such behaviour if one wants to appear reasonable. If I were in charge I would carefully weigh up the pros and cons, consider all the evidence and have abusive patients dumped on the street untreated with a book on manners. That is what I would do if I were in charge.

As you were.

Cheerio

Creep

Hello,
Despite being, at heart an eye for an eye type, a holder of life long grudges and somewhat aggressive, I strive to keep these traits under control. I say to myself 'Clairwil you might have have a certain amount of right on your side if you beheaded your work colleagues in a fit of rage but it would be uncivilised'. Rather like breaking wind or eating at KFC. So I stay quiet and act reasonable and although I fear that there will be the most awful tragedy one day for now it works.

The world though goes out it's way to provoke me. Take wife beating scumbag Colin Read for example. Having attacked his wife as she slept, beat her up twice for complaining about it and topped it off by burning her back with an iron you'd expect him to be sitting in jail would you not? Wrong as he was too busy with work to do community service he has instead been fined £2000. I'm sure that will leave a massive hole in his finances. The poor chap only earns £90,000 p/a.

Now you see here I was going to organise a whip round to cover the legal costs of anyone who gives Mr Read a taste of his own medicine but of course that would be wrong and quite possibly illegal. Though I should point out that the circumstances of this case have provoked me and sending me to prison would help no-one. Nevertheless it's the ability to pretend that we don't want to beat the shit out of someone that separates us from the animals So I'll merely suggest that we purse our lips and tut impotently all the while nursing the secret hope that Mr Read dies a slow agonising death at the hands of a mob. That my friends would be justice even if we don't encourage it.

Cheers

P.S Do follow the link above, it takes you to a post written by the wonderful Katy Newton, officially my favourite lady on the internets.

A Warning Against Toying With The Occult

Hello,
A while back I mentioned that a psychic had informed me that I had someone very interesting behind me from the spirit world.

Naturally I was intrigued, so I was pleased to stumble across a different psychic who reckoned she could supply me with a drawing of my spirit guide. I duly coughed up the very reasonable £4.00 fee for this remarkable service and waited. The shocking outcome of all this is that I have a very well executed pencil drawing which appears to be of one of my ex-boyfriends. That said drawing has the same name and purports to be my 'soulmate' is, I need hardly day most distressing. Mr Clairwil could never be usurped in my affections.

Obviously I am the victim of some sort of prank. For a start a soulmate and a spirit guide are two entirely separate beasties. What worries me is who is responsible for this outrage? Why? I have of course submitted a stern email to them which has come back undelivered. It's as if they have vanished into thin air. The drawing itself is as I say very well done but every time I look at it I want to sleep with all it's friends and start pointless drunken fist fights. It can't be healthy.

I'm off to bed now though I doubt I shall ever sleep again.

Cheerio

Terror Attacks Cause Outbreak Of Drivel On The Web!

Hello,
I have been following the coverage of the terror attack at Glasgow Airport with some interest. Against my better judgement I took a trip over to the BBC news 'Have Your Say' bit. Oh Lord! There are times when I think free speech is a terrible error. Then I think again and conclude that if everyone else is going to talk total nonsense who am I to swim against the tide?

First up we have people attempting to get to the root cause of why the airport was attacked. Quite frankly I think someone in authority should take these 'experts' at their word and send them to Guantanamo Bay for having a suspicious level of insider knowledge. I realise that's a bit unfair given that they're talking frightful rot but it's better than them being allowed to air their views and mislead impressionable children and other vulnerable people.

A popular explanation is of course the Iraq War. Quite why someone who felt that way would attack a country which has just elected a devolved government that are vocal opponents of the Iraq war is not explained or I suspect given any consideration. Something of an own goal for the terrorists there I'd have thought, if they were in a tizzy about Iraq.

Whilst I believe that situations like the Iraq War and so on don't do recruitment to terrorist organisations any harm at all they are not the root cause of Islamist terror. There are times when I'm tempted to start supporting the war in Iraq to distance myself from 'Iraq bores'. Honestly if I were to mention that the telly was a bit dull last night I wouldn't be surprised if someone responded well of course what do you expect when we've killed all those poor Iraqis.

There are loads of folk with solutions to the problem. Like ID cards. Saints preserve us. Asylum Seekers are presently obliged to carry ID cards and it doesn't appear to have had much bearing on terrorism prevention in the UK. In any case, is someone mad enough to set fire to themselves likely to be deterred by someone knowing who they are? I cannot see many future terror plots being abandoned with the words 'drat those infidels and their ID cards'.

The deport everyone brigade are out in full. Quite how this would sort out homegrown terrorists is unclear. What do they expect the government to do? Approach some Muslim country and explain 'we're having a spot of trouble with some Islamist terrorists and we thought with you being Muslims you wouldn't mind importing a selection of violent British nutters'. Somehow I can't see that one working. If someone who isn't British presents a threat to public safety then jail them and boot them out and the end of their sentence however it's not going to eliminate the threat.

Then we have some tosser moaning about Alex Salmond making a statement. Good Lord the way that Salmond carries on you'd think he was First Minister and Scotland had been attacked! That's all we need an uppity Scot getting narked and sticking his beak into matters that don't concern him. He'll only get it wrong and break things.

I think my favourite comment was by 'Claire'. 'I am 22 years old and should not feel unsafe in my own country'. What does being 22 have to do with it you bloody fool? Why she didn't just write 'I am a pampered halfwit who descends into a footstamping hissy fit each time the world shows itself to be less than perfect' and have done with it I don't know. Six months in Iraq would sort her out. As if being 22 grants one the right to special protection!


An improbably named gentleman, one 'Mr Buttomungous' claims to have seen four chaps acting suspiciously in a Silver Mercedes last autumn. However he didn't report this or anything sensible like that in case someone thought he was a racist. I think that is quite the silliest thing ever said by any human being anywhere. Why would anyone publicly confess to finding the though of an accusation of racism as being worse than failure to report a potential terrorist attack?


Mind you abuse of the right of free speech is nothing to the abuse of the English language on that board. It's a well known fact that English is the worlds greatest language, I myself refuse to speak any other, even when overseas. I rather fancy the foreigners enjoy the challenge, in any case I always get my egg and chips. To return to the BBC website, if I find people communicating with grunts and fire in the next couple of hours I won't raise so much as an eyebrow in surprise. Instead I shall draw some stick men and jump up and down.

Finally would you all think less of me if I confess to feeling a warm glow at living in a city with citizens mad and heroic enough to punch out a psyched up burning terrorist? The only thing that would have made me happier would be if they'd beaten him with Irn Bru bottles pausing only to light a fag off the flames.


Cheerio

Trying To Drive A Square Peg Into A Round Hole.

Teachers

Hello,
As my long term readers are aware I'm not a fan of the teaching profession. I've met less than ten primary or secondary teachers who weren't either thick, socially inadequate, incapable of answering a resonable question or derranged. So I may be slightly biased.

Newsnight Scotland has just ended with an item about the next EIS general meeting where they will be putting forward a motion to ban the army from schools. It took a while to get the reason for this out of the teachers represtitive. He's lucky I wasn't presenting I'd have bellowed 'answer the question, you impertinant boy' at the top of my lungs and if that didn't work I'd have adopted a sarcastic tone and asked if he wanted to stand up and tell the rest of the nation what the teachers were whispering about. As usual I was not presenting Newsnight so I had to content myself with shouting at the telly.

It eventually emerged that the reason was that joining army carries a risk of death and if the army are allowed into schools it might appear that teachers are endorsing a career in the army. Why he didn't just tell the truth and state that it was a witless bit of anti-Iraq protest is beyond me. Lord knows I took a dim view of the Iraq war but I blame the government rather than the army who as far as I understand, go where they're sent.

I was also alarmed at the idea the nations schoolchildren are too thick to understand the risks involved in joining the armed services. One would have thought the teaching profession would be embarrassed to admit that despite all their hard work Scotland's teenagers are such numpties. If teachers are telling us that children who have been in school since early childhood are by their teens incapable of listening to a presentation, considering what has been said and researching the options open to them, then I would like to know how the teaching profession intends to tackle this crisis. I wonder if it's the evidently low opinion of those charged with educating them that as at least in part responsible for their alleged stupidity.

The army argue that they only go to schools where they have been invited and do not actively recruit but instead give general career talks and let the pupils make there own minds up. Good Lord conveying information and expecting people to think! What an innovative strategy, has anyone considered putting them in charge of teacher training?

Do the teachers imagine that the army are hypnotising the children? I used to attend every recruitment talk going, including the armed services who were never away from the school. I had no more intention of joining the armed forces than I did of turning into a double bass. I was skiving and nothing said during any recruitment talk was going to alter that. Out of my year at school three people joined the armed forces which they'd wanted to do since childhood. No amount of reasoning would deflect them from their aim. As I recall it was two years of army life that convinced two of them they'd made a terrible mistake.

If teachers would prefer the pupils in their care not to join the army, then they'd be better to make their classes interesting and try to convey a sense of enthusiasm for a career in that discipline, rather than prevent their pupils from hearing one view of an army career.

Later in the week I intend to go mad about the appointment of a 'Respect Czar' and the plans to prevent under eighteens from viewing film that contain scenes of smoking in them.

Oh Lordy Here Come The Nazis......

' Our time is comming
Tommoro Belongs To Me' -BNP Supporter -Stormfront Web Forum

Vote BNP if you don't want the whole of London and Britain, turning into the ape and reptile enclosures of London Zoo!' -BNP Member -Stormfront Web Forum



Hello,

As I'm sure we are all aware following last week's laughable party political broadcast the BNP are fielding thirty-two morons for election next month. What a bunch they are!

First up we have Kenny Smith standing in Glasgow, he's hard to describe really, though freaky, Nazi geek isn't a bad start.

'SMITH sickened neighbours on his native Lewis by waving a swastika flag on Hitler's birthday.

As Scottish secretary, he vets potential recruits to the BNP and introduces them to their members and officials.

Smith is known for smooth-talking in public and projects himself as the acceptable face of the party. But in private, he is quick to launch into racist bile.'

Imagine living next door to that!

Next up is David Kerr, his hobbies include goosestepping in the vicinity of brown skinned people in an effort to start a race war. I'm not making this up!

'PART of BNP's security team and a candidate in national elections, Kerr is a key player in Scotland.

He was among 58 fans prevented from attending Scotland's match with Norway in Bordeaux, France, during the 1998 World Cup.

Kerr, from Port Glasgow, has organised marches in areas with large ethnic minority populations in the hope of provoking 'race war'.'

Steven Blake is the closet to what passes for normal in that he hasn't been caught masturbating in Nazi regalia- yet. Though he is a fan of some foreign imports....

'THE top-rated BNP political candidate in Scotland, he stood in the Euro elections this year but got less than two per cent of the vote. He runs an IT firm in Stirlingshire but business contacts are unaware of his shadowy politics.

Blake is responsible for the BNP's website, and in the 1980s he imported hardcore Nazi material from the US. He runs Digital Scotland, an IT firm who list work for Edinburgh Cyrenians, a respectable homelessness charity , in their portfolio.

The charity confirmed they had paid the company up to £5000 to run their website but emphasised they were unaware of BNP links.'

It's business as usual for southside uberned Scott McLean

'BNP national deputy chairman and Scotland's regional organiser .

He stood at recent Euro elections and preaches on 'family values'.

Yet, he was photographed giving a Nazi salute at a 'Blood and Honour' Nazi skinhead festival in Scotland. McLean, 33, is a former Glasgow City Council joiner who quit after his views were revealed.

He was involved in gang fights between whites and Asians while at Bellahouston Academy . He joined the BNP aged 18. He has mixed with BNP extremists and others throughout Europe, including members of the notorious Combat 18 Nazi gang.'

What an impressive C.V.

I wonder what Charlie Baillie, another of the 32 BNP candidates makes of all this Nazi love as he took part in the BNP's Rememberance Sunday ceremony. Good Lord! What are they mourning the loss of Nazi life in WW2?

We also have Gary Raikes who apparently takes a dim view of anti-social behaviour. He will, I'm sure be having a stern word with a few of his fellow candidates about their antics.

Walter Hamilton is a particularly disgusting, reprehensible piece of shit who's 'finest' hour to date has been his attempt to exploit the death of Kriss Donald, by hassling his family to win BNP votes.

This next lot will presumably not be displaying much local knowledge having been imported from down south to make up the shortfall.

'Among the candidates in the Highlands and Islands region for the Scottish parliament elections is Roger Robertson, a south-east England organiser. The Lothians sees Sadie Graham from the East Midlands and Tim Rait, who unsuccessfully stood in Maidenhead in the 2005 general election. Mid Scotland and Fife has Michaela MacKenzie, who stood in Warwickshire North two years ago. Meanwhile, the West of Scotland region has Kevin Scott, north-east of England regional organiser.'

The last thing Scottish politics needs is more cretins. Fingers crossed for 32 lost deposits.

Cheerio

A Code Of Conduct For Bloggers

Hello,
Is there no part of my life that is free from botherers? I have just received an email telling, yes telling me to become a protestant. Obviously I emailed back and said I'd love to but first you need to do something about the lack of visuals, incense and how about adopting few Voodoo rituals. Believe me that is the last time I ever ask the Wee Free's a serious theological question.

Anyway some sort of code of conduct for bloggers has been brought to my attention. Oh for Christ's sake just cock off! Is nothing sacred? All I ever wanted in life was a space to act the goat in without someone moaning that I'd trod on their prize marrow. Now we have this set of rules. To be fair they are voluntary -for now.

There is no need for it whatsoever. I find myself reminded of those kiss-arse children I was incarcerated at school with. Do you know that at one point they took at petition to the headmaster asking for the uniform rules to be enforced? And had the nerve to call me immature for sneering at them! Why in God's name would anyone campaign to have one of their meagre freedoms taken away?

As time goes by I start to relate to those Americans that live in shacks in the mountains with 526 rifles and mistrust the government.


If you don't want to read me, then fuck off! Now that is a code of conduct.

Cheerio

Are They All On Drugs?

That's it. That is the fucking limit. It was only a matter of time before the government sent me 100% batshit fucking doolally mental. For the love of God what is wrong with them? I'm just looking out the window and daily life is going on as normal. What's wrong? Why aren't there riots? A revolution? We are being governed by cunting robots? They must be stopped.

I was just over at Tom Tylers blog when I chanced upon this cracker from Patrica Hewitt commenting on the British sailors taken hostage in Iran;

"It was deplorable that the woman hostage should be shown smoking. This sends completely the wrong message to our young people."

It's extraordinary, almost unbelievable. A member of the British government switches on the TV to see some British sailors taken hostage by Iran and thinks 'tsk, smoking'. Exactly how much of a health Nazi does one need to be to react like that? Frankly I'm amazed she doesn't want to prosecute her for smoking in the workplace.

I despair.

Some good stuff up over at TerryWatch

The End Of The World Is Nigh.

Hello,
I like to imagine God sitting about smoking a pipe and wondering what we're all up to. Let's all pray that no-one tells him because if they do we're doomed. When I say 'we' I don't mean you or I. It's a bunch of pervos I'm on about. Namely 'sock sniffers' . Worse still they seem to be into sniffing vile, white sports socks and worst of all comedy socks. I must stress that these are used socks which if the adverts are to believed have been worn by 'chavs' and 'scallies'.

There's no law against this sort of thing or if there is it hasn't come to my attention but y'know yuck. What's the attraction in dirty socks? Why? Bearing in mind that I am a lady, can anyone explain, using carefully chosen euphemisms, what these freaks do with the socks? Is it a big joke or do they really get excited by them?

I'm amazed there hasn't been a sock related sex crime in Glasgow over the last few years. For a while all the neds were walking about with sports socks pulled up over the lower leg of their tracksuit bottoms. I did wonder what they were up to but not for a second did I imagine that they were some sort of exhibitionists on the sock scene.

All that said there appears to be an emerging used ladies tights scene and whilst I can't say I approve, if anyone would like to save me doing a washing I'm open to offers.

Cheerio

I Hate Red Rum And Work

Hello,
I'm back at work after a bout of 'nerves' and already the things that sent me over the edge in the first place are irritating me beyond belief.

There is a woman in our office who annoys me to the point that I feel physical pain every time she opens her mouth and she has a vast arse of the exact size and shape of a horse's rear end. We all call her 'Red Rum' behind her back, though if I get to the end of the week without saying it to her face I'll be amazed. The arse I could live with, I find it quite amusing as it waddles past. It's the voice I can't bear. Honestly it would be less agonising if she pelted my head with bricks.

I did think I was alone in being so vexed by her but I'm not. Today I came across a colleague sobbing because she couldn't take any more of Red Rum's chat. A grown woman sobbing! That's how horrifying Red Rum's voice is.

For some unaccountable reason the management think she is wonderful. Perhaps because she's joined their 'let's see who can do the most unpaid overtime contest'. I cannot convey how much these people make me feel sick. You want to hear them vying to see who can stay on later for NO EXTRA MONEY. This is in addition to their 8am starts also FOR NO EXTRA MONEY.
If I found out they'd taken to living in the office I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

As if all that's not bad enough Red Rum's bloody children phone at least six times a day. I suppose I should really refer to them as her foals or her disgusting, rude, ill-brought up, cretinous offspring for the sake of accuracy. Any normal child would be on it's best behaviour on the phone to it's mothers work. I've got experience of mothers they go mad at the slightest whiff of a 'showing up'. Not Red Rum she claims to have brought them up to be assertive.

I've also had a trip out the office to a day long meeting about 'tackling racism'. I can offer no explanation for being invited to this gathering or what exactly it hoped to achieve. First up was a lady from an organisation which amongst other things 'challenges black stereotypes'. She then showed us a film of Africans playing bongo drums, black men rapping and some Africans dancing as evidence of her work in this area. No-one laughed.


At lunch time I was cornered by a women who claimed that the Muslim community in Govanhill hold her in the highest regard. I think they might just be being polite, unless of course they admire her ability to talk endlessly about how great she is.

The rest is a bit of a blur. To be honest it feels like I dreamt it, such was it's surreal quality. The only other incident that sticks in my mind was some fat woman writing 'NEVER ASSUME IT JUST MAKES AN ASS OUT ME AND U' on a large piece of paper (A3 I think). It was extraordinary one minute she was behaving perfectly normally the next she was parading about with this placard and being applauded by the gathering.

There are times when I feel like the victim of one never ending practical joke.

Ann Coulter

Hello,
I don't think I've ever posted about Ann Coulter before. This is mainly because the woman and her opinions are a matter of supreme indifference to me. I just don't get why people go pissing their drawers about her, it's controversy by numbers. I could do it standing on my head. I know her secrets and they do not interest me. People, your buttons are being pushed. Ignore her and she'll go away. That's the thing with big gobs, they get tired and there's always a queue to replace them.

Anyway I note she's in trouble for calling John Edwards a faggot. Part of me wants to applaud her for doing a bit of taboo trashing, another part of me wants to slap her, the rest of me just shrugs. Oh come on, do any gays really wonder, after an exhausting round of ungodly shagging, if Ann Coulter will love them in the morning? I suspect not and any that do really are deviants.

The one thing that does intrigue me about her is -why are her hands so big? OK, I lied there is more that interests me. Why does she have an Adam's apple? Is she hiding her candy or did she have the lot off? If she's gone for the works does she ever have trouble with pubes growing up her fake snatch? What I'm trying to say is, did she used to be a man or does she just have horse genes?

My name is Clairwil and I am addicted to trivia.

Cheerio

Be Careful What You Wish For

'There is a hole that pierces right through me.'- Euripides, Medea

Hello,
A while back I put in a cosmic order for more blog traffic which was immediately granted. However things started to go wrong from the word go. I was so excited by this unexpected bitty of good luck that I tried to tell everyone on a cosmic ordering forum about it which led to me getting a row in German. I don't know if you've ever had a row in German and it may just be because I don't speak the language but it made me feel really small and quite frightened. Like being shouted at by a maths teacher only worse.

Anyway the increased traffic continued and today has been my highest day ever. I really do hate to seem ungrateful but no-one is coming here to read about me and my pearls of wisdom. They're all after bestladies4u.com.

As long term readers are aware I am obsessed to the point of madness with hits but will all this is a bit of a slap in the face. When I wished for increased traffic what I meant was more fans, not a bunch of creeps looking for mail order brides. It's fair to say that I'm feeling unloved.

It's bloody lonely at the top you know.

Cheerio*

*If anyone is actually reading.

Please Cry Quietly

Hello,
As someone who might charitably be described as unusually sensitive to other people's noise or more realistically an irritable, hard faced cow my life contains more than it's fair share of torment.

Take this afternoon for example after being released from the horror of work slightly earlier than expected I thought I'd take myself off for a quiet pint and a read at the paper. Really my needs are simple in life, a dark pub with just enough light to read , a bit of gentle chatter in the background and a newspaper in the afternoon. That's just how it was today until the incredible whining she- screech started.

One moment all was perfectly peaceful then the next this awful creature started saying 'I' and 'me' a lot between sobs of a terrifying volume. I looked up all the better to glare at the person who had brought a distressed child into the pub only to be confronted with the sight of a badly dressed young woman hanging off a middle aged man and screaming.

I must say the chap showed infinitely more patience than I would have in such a situation, more so when one considers that he didn't make his escape when she went to the toilet. I hoped and prayed she might be using her time in the ladies to compose herself but no, she'd merely been working herself up to greater heights of hysteria.

I've nothing against crying as such. I do it all the time and it's quite useful. All I ask that it is done in private or at least quietly. If one must to make a song and dance about it at least tell the rest of us why. Honestly I was driving myself mad trying to work out what had happened to cause her to carry on in such a manner. She looked to me, like the sort of woman that cries at parties and has to be taken home early by a chap, ideally a friends husband.

My peace shattered I packed up and moved on. To think they won't even let one have a fag in the pub but behaviour like that is within the law. I really don't understand anything anymore.