Advice For Chaps

As a lady who is rather fond of male company I do not like to speak ill of the chaps but sometimes events force one to reach conclusions. The following is directed to the more excitable chap and was provoked by an incident that took place about ten minutes ago.

Unless I am very much mistaken there is no law against women popping down to the shops of an evening. Nor has a curfew been imposed on the ladies. In fact if a gender based curfew were to be imposed I don't think the birds would be subject to it. If there is a case for movements to be restricted it is the chaps given the statistics on who is more likely to be a victim of violent crime and who is more likely to be the perpetrator. Not that I'm calling for a curfew to be placed on men. On the contrary I think they should be left to go about their business unmolested and if they could extend me the same courtesy we'd all get along famously.

There I was strolling back from the shops when a young fellow at least ten years my junior jumped on my back and asked where the party was. Being somewhat startled at being attacked from the rear and not wishing to appear daft because I had and have no idea where the party is I kicked him.

Well you'd have thought I'd tried to rape him the way he carried on. I calmly asked him to imagine how he'd feel and react if a strange man jumped on his back. This seemed to get him and his friends very angry indeed, prompting one of them to steal my hat and kick my arse. I then asked why it required six of them to harass one women. To which they responded that they were in fact having a laugh. Well with it not being at all funny I'd missed that.

By this point all I wanted to do was get home and take the painkillers I'd popped out to purchase. Just as I thought I was going to be stuck there all night trying to negotiate the return of my hat the police strolled into view. The hat was then handed over very quickly and the chaps made their exit. Which is peculiar because up until the police appeared they were adamant they hadn't done anything wrong.

Still this sort of thing shouldn't require the threat of the law to deal with. If we all follow a few basic ground rules when we're out and about the world will go round a good deal more smoothly than it does. I therefore unveil the lessons to be drawn from this sorry episode.

1. Do not jump on peoples backs it is startling and you do not have the right to lay hands on a another individual without their permission.

2. If you really must jump on folks back do not act the injured innocent when they take reasonable steps to defend themselves.

3. Do not steal peoples hats. Until a government is elected on a socialist programme of hat redistribution this sort of thing is illegal.

4. It really doesn't take six men to harass one female. The Yorkshire Ripper managed to kill stacks of them all by himself. I suggest you allow for women's inferior physical strength and only harass large groups of women. I will of course hoot as you are debagged, humiliated and beaten senseless. Strength in numbers cuts both ways.

5. Never do anything in public you could not justify to the police. Or if you do don't whine at getting caught.

6. A woman walking along the street is not a target but a human being going about their business. If that is too difficult for you to grasp then ponder the fact that between the ages of 19 and 20 I rarely went out without in a knife and a can of hairspray in my handbag. The boy who jumped on me was quite lucky to suffer nothing more than a bruised shin.

7. If I wanted male attention I would court it. I expect I'd get all dolled up and show a bit of cleavage. I would not be walking along in baggy clothes and a hat making eye contact with the space six inches above your head. I am not subtle. If I want your attention you'll know all about it.

8. Treat women going about their business the way you'd want your wife, sister, girlfriend or mother treated. Unless you regularly jump on their backs.

9. Men hanging around in packs, wearing excessive aftershave and crap shirts tucked into their jeans appeal to only the silliest of women. Note the furrowed brow! I might be daft but I'm not brain dead -you operate way beneath my head.

10. If you really can't contain yourself in the presence of women stay at home and look at pictures of them on the Internet and seek urgent medical advice.



iLL Man said...

One of the more retarded things I've heard in my time. Are a few shandies is all it takes to remove the veneer of civilisation from these wanks? Lovely work with the boot on the shin by the way. What the fuck did he expect? A piggy back up to the bus stop?

David Duff said...

Phew! "A damned fine run thing, the finest thing you ever saw": the 'Duke of Boot' after Waterloo.

Glad it turned out alright but I worry for you, Clairwil!

Anonymous said...

"socialist programme of hat redistribution" - guffaw !

Tat said...

I would require something stronger than painkillers after an entertainment like this...wow.

Clairwil, to your #7: you woulda think only a cretin would misinterpret the signs, would you? Think again.


Larry Teabag said...

Bastards. Good effort getting the boot in - pretty pathetic of him to start boo-hooing about it after.

The only one of your list I have a problem with is 5. I see what you're getting at of course, but there are several activities I enjoy doing in public, which, while harmless, might not go down to well with the plods. (Jumping on lone women isn't one of them.)

Larry Teabag said...

You might enjoy this video in which an asshole who jumps on a lone woman's back gets brought down a peg or two.

Jim said...

I love this blog

transfattyacid said...

Not sure what the answer is but it would be nice if women could walk the streets unmolested.

I assume the police did nothing.

Jim said...

Hope you don't mind Clairwil, but as the advice is so spot on, I posted a link to this on my blog.


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