Hello,
I shall mark this week down in my diary as the week I witnessed so much human stupidity I began to feel like a lonely intellectual with only my lute and protractor for company. Where do I begin?
Well I watched the apprentice for the first time in years. I'm only preparing to be self employed again and Lord knows I wouldn't like to be judged on my track record last time around but do the contestant's mothers know they are out? Do they have mothers or were they spawned in petri dishes? Throughout that programme all I could hear was my grandmother saying empty cans rattle the loudest. Quite remarkable if amusing in a somewhat cruel fashion. Can it be long before Sir Alan goes on a machine gun rampage?
Later in the week I saw a young mum and a young mum to be having a heated discussion about something that could only be of importance to the sort of people who appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show. It's hard to say who won given that the entire squabble managed to pass under my head but the moment that will stay with me to the grave is young mum threatening to boot mum be in the bump. More alarming still she was cheered on by her bovine mates for this. I was horrified enough at the young men present for joining in but for a group of young women including several mothers to applaud someone for in effect threatening to induce an abortion is disgusting. I have not of course overlooked the fact that mum to be was giving as good as she got on the threats front.
When I was a schoolgirl a number of my school friends found themselves suddenly pregnant. Without exception this had such a calming effect on them I always suspected it might have been hormone induced. Lord knows how one would account for the behaviour mentioned above. Perhaps Farmfoods are putting something in their icepoles.
We also had several young chaps into our surgery with their parents for advice on the best way to throw said young chaps out the house. What could have brought on such a display of tough love? What crime had these boys committed? Well the young fellows had spoken to careers advisers and decided to get jobs. To be fair one of the boys was going into insurance but until that racket is made illegal then he shouldn't be judged. Apparently if the boys take up work their parents benefits would be affected. The boys protestations that they would pay dig money fell on deaf ears. I only met with one of the families and that was one too many.
The mother was convinced that as her boy had asthma he should spend the rest of his life on benefits. The boy on the other hand felt that as his asthma was only very mild and that he hardly used his inhaler he was fit to work. The boy who stated that his worst nightmare was to end up 'like everyone else round here' was in my view a walking miracle. How such a household of fools produced a well spoken, reasonably intelligent fine young man I'll never know. He's on the waiting list for a flat near me and I hope he gets it soon. What mentality of parent doesn't want to see their children do better than them? Much as I mock my own parents I can see that I've been bloody lucky. Even when I went through my new age phase they were right behind me.
Finally my most detested of work colleagues who was made redundant last year is back, back, back. This time as my assistant. I am not making this up- God knows I wish I was. It is just as well I'm looking for a new job and going on to start a business because I don't know how much more I can take. On Thursday I strolled into work to find him sitting at my desk talking to himself and giggling at an empty excel spreadsheet. That was bad enough but later he went on to tell us that his daughter is moving in with him because he is cool. After a small amount of questioning we discovered that his daughter thinks he is cool because he buys her drink before she goes out. Her mother on the other hand refuses to on the grounds that she is seventeen. Sadly we are not talking about a couple of cans of lager here. Not for his 'princess' oh no she gets a litre bottle of vodka to share with her boyfriend of three weeks. Oddly enough her mother disapproves of this.
What is wrong with this scenario -oh let me count the ways. Well first up a boyfriend of three weeks is probably not the best person to be drinking oneself into a coma with. I am quite certain that underneath his baseball cap, trackie and menacing expression he is perfectly nice but statistics alone tell us he's a potential rapist. That's not to tar all men with the same brush but given the choice would you rather your daughter spoke to a strange man or a strange woman?
Secondly even if her boyfriend of three weeks is a perfect gent, will every man she encounters during the evening's festivities be harmless? Will every woman she comes across just be out for a bit of fun and not a fight? Can her seventeen year old liver sustain this level of consumption over her adult life? Am I alone in hearing banjos when a man goes to such lengths to get his daughter drunk?
God if you're reading this, send down the locusts and thunderbolts. It's all gone wrong and I'm fucked if I can fix it.
Cheerio
Showing posts with label godhelpsall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label godhelpsall. Show all posts
4/13/2008
3/22/2008
Advice For Chaps
Hello,
As a lady who is rather fond of male company I do not like to speak ill of the chaps but sometimes events force one to reach conclusions. The following is directed to the more excitable chap and was provoked by an incident that took place about ten minutes ago.
Unless I am very much mistaken there is no law against women popping down to the shops of an evening. Nor has a curfew been imposed on the ladies. In fact if a gender based curfew were to be imposed I don't think the birds would be subject to it. If there is a case for movements to be restricted it is the chaps given the statistics on who is more likely to be a victim of violent crime and who is more likely to be the perpetrator. Not that I'm calling for a curfew to be placed on men. On the contrary I think they should be left to go about their business unmolested and if they could extend me the same courtesy we'd all get along famously.
There I was strolling back from the shops when a young fellow at least ten years my junior jumped on my back and asked where the party was. Being somewhat startled at being attacked from the rear and not wishing to appear daft because I had and have no idea where the party is I kicked him.
Well you'd have thought I'd tried to rape him the way he carried on. I calmly asked him to imagine how he'd feel and react if a strange man jumped on his back. This seemed to get him and his friends very angry indeed, prompting one of them to steal my hat and kick my arse. I then asked why it required six of them to harass one women. To which they responded that they were in fact having a laugh. Well with it not being at all funny I'd missed that.
By this point all I wanted to do was get home and take the painkillers I'd popped out to purchase. Just as I thought I was going to be stuck there all night trying to negotiate the return of my hat the police strolled into view. The hat was then handed over very quickly and the chaps made their exit. Which is peculiar because up until the police appeared they were adamant they hadn't done anything wrong.
Still this sort of thing shouldn't require the threat of the law to deal with. If we all follow a few basic ground rules when we're out and about the world will go round a good deal more smoothly than it does. I therefore unveil the lessons to be drawn from this sorry episode.
1. Do not jump on peoples backs it is startling and you do not have the right to lay hands on a another individual without their permission.
2. If you really must jump on folks back do not act the injured innocent when they take reasonable steps to defend themselves.
3. Do not steal peoples hats. Until a government is elected on a socialist programme of hat redistribution this sort of thing is illegal.
4. It really doesn't take six men to harass one female. The Yorkshire Ripper managed to kill stacks of them all by himself. I suggest you allow for women's inferior physical strength and only harass large groups of women. I will of course hoot as you are debagged, humiliated and beaten senseless. Strength in numbers cuts both ways.
5. Never do anything in public you could not justify to the police. Or if you do don't whine at getting caught.
6. A woman walking along the street is not a target but a human being going about their business. If that is too difficult for you to grasp then ponder the fact that between the ages of 19 and 20 I rarely went out without in a knife and a can of hairspray in my handbag. The boy who jumped on me was quite lucky to suffer nothing more than a bruised shin.
7. If I wanted male attention I would court it. I expect I'd get all dolled up and show a bit of cleavage. I would not be walking along in baggy clothes and a hat making eye contact with the space six inches above your head. I am not subtle. If I want your attention you'll know all about it.
8. Treat women going about their business the way you'd want your wife, sister, girlfriend or mother treated. Unless you regularly jump on their backs.
9. Men hanging around in packs, wearing excessive aftershave and crap shirts tucked into their jeans appeal to only the silliest of women. Note the furrowed brow! I might be daft but I'm not brain dead -you operate way beneath my head.
10. If you really can't contain yourself in the presence of women stay at home and look at pictures of them on the Internet and seek urgent medical advice.
Cheerio
As a lady who is rather fond of male company I do not like to speak ill of the chaps but sometimes events force one to reach conclusions. The following is directed to the more excitable chap and was provoked by an incident that took place about ten minutes ago.
Unless I am very much mistaken there is no law against women popping down to the shops of an evening. Nor has a curfew been imposed on the ladies. In fact if a gender based curfew were to be imposed I don't think the birds would be subject to it. If there is a case for movements to be restricted it is the chaps given the statistics on who is more likely to be a victim of violent crime and who is more likely to be the perpetrator. Not that I'm calling for a curfew to be placed on men. On the contrary I think they should be left to go about their business unmolested and if they could extend me the same courtesy we'd all get along famously.
There I was strolling back from the shops when a young fellow at least ten years my junior jumped on my back and asked where the party was. Being somewhat startled at being attacked from the rear and not wishing to appear daft because I had and have no idea where the party is I kicked him.
Well you'd have thought I'd tried to rape him the way he carried on. I calmly asked him to imagine how he'd feel and react if a strange man jumped on his back. This seemed to get him and his friends very angry indeed, prompting one of them to steal my hat and kick my arse. I then asked why it required six of them to harass one women. To which they responded that they were in fact having a laugh. Well with it not being at all funny I'd missed that.
By this point all I wanted to do was get home and take the painkillers I'd popped out to purchase. Just as I thought I was going to be stuck there all night trying to negotiate the return of my hat the police strolled into view. The hat was then handed over very quickly and the chaps made their exit. Which is peculiar because up until the police appeared they were adamant they hadn't done anything wrong.
Still this sort of thing shouldn't require the threat of the law to deal with. If we all follow a few basic ground rules when we're out and about the world will go round a good deal more smoothly than it does. I therefore unveil the lessons to be drawn from this sorry episode.
1. Do not jump on peoples backs it is startling and you do not have the right to lay hands on a another individual without their permission.
2. If you really must jump on folks back do not act the injured innocent when they take reasonable steps to defend themselves.
3. Do not steal peoples hats. Until a government is elected on a socialist programme of hat redistribution this sort of thing is illegal.
4. It really doesn't take six men to harass one female. The Yorkshire Ripper managed to kill stacks of them all by himself. I suggest you allow for women's inferior physical strength and only harass large groups of women. I will of course hoot as you are debagged, humiliated and beaten senseless. Strength in numbers cuts both ways.
5. Never do anything in public you could not justify to the police. Or if you do don't whine at getting caught.
6. A woman walking along the street is not a target but a human being going about their business. If that is too difficult for you to grasp then ponder the fact that between the ages of 19 and 20 I rarely went out without in a knife and a can of hairspray in my handbag. The boy who jumped on me was quite lucky to suffer nothing more than a bruised shin.
7. If I wanted male attention I would court it. I expect I'd get all dolled up and show a bit of cleavage. I would not be walking along in baggy clothes and a hat making eye contact with the space six inches above your head. I am not subtle. If I want your attention you'll know all about it.
8. Treat women going about their business the way you'd want your wife, sister, girlfriend or mother treated. Unless you regularly jump on their backs.
9. Men hanging around in packs, wearing excessive aftershave and crap shirts tucked into their jeans appeal to only the silliest of women. Note the furrowed brow! I might be daft but I'm not brain dead -you operate way beneath my head.
10. If you really can't contain yourself in the presence of women stay at home and look at pictures of them on the Internet and seek urgent medical advice.
Cheerio
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