An email from Gordon Brown

Hello,
Imagine my surprise when I opened an email earlier today purporting to come from the Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP -yes our nations prime minister!

I have never been so surprised in my life and will confess to feeling slight alarm that I may have inadvertantly got myself into hot water of some sort. I needen't have worried Gordon was just letting me know that he had deposited three million pounds into a bank account in my name! I am not making this up, though I strongly suspect someone else is. May it comfort them to know in the long wait for my details that they caused me a cheeky chuckle.

I would however like to make it known that I am fully prepared to vote Labour in exchange for three million pounds. Below is the text of this quite remarkable email.

FOREIGN & COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS COMMISSION.TREASURY AND MINISTER FOR CIVIL SERVICE, LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM. Our ref: ATM/13470/IDRYOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/882 Date: 20/01/2010 IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

I am The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP,Prime Minister British Government. This letter is to officially inform you that (ATM Card Number 4966430104864106) has been accredited with your favor. Your Personal Identification Number is 477.The VISA Card Value is Ј 3,000,000.00(Three Million, Great British Pounds Sterling).

This office will send to you a Visa/ATM CARD that you will use to withdraw your funds in any ATM MACHINE CENTER or Visa card outlet in the world with a maximum of Ј5000 POUNDS STERLING daily.Further more,You will be required to re-confirm the following information to enable; The Rt Hon. David Miliband MP Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs. begin in processing of your VISA CARD.

(1)Full names: (2)Address: (3)Country: (4)Nationality: (5)Phone #: (6)Age: (7)Occupation:

Forward Reply To: ukgovdirect@5.am TAKE NOTICE: That you are warned to stop further communications with any other person(s) or office(s) different from the staff of the State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs to avoid hitches in receiving your payment.

Regards, The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MPPrime Minister.

Do you think anyone actually fell for this?

Cheers

Looting in Haiti

Hello,
If it were to emerge that the press were bribing Haitians to loot for the cameras, my eyebrows and jaws would remain stonily unmoved such is the extent of their barely suppressed excitement at the prospect of looting.

For some unaccountable reason best known to themselves they've been less keen to call attention to the impressive efforts Haitians themselves are making to deal with the catastrophe. Whilst I realise rioting and looting is a good deal sexier than folk forming neighbourhood committees and pooling their meagre resources, a bit of balance would be nice and perhaps a degree of imagination about what it must be like to find oneself in such a terrible, chaotic situation.

The US Ambassador in Haiti states that the vast majority of people are going about their business in a 'calm and peaceful manner'. Similarly this aid worker hasn't seen any looting at all. This article is headlined 'Haiti earthquake: looting and gun-fights breakout', yet when it runs out of violence and looting to fill up the space, goes to report ordinary Haitians heroically doing their bit to help each other.

Linda Polman writes in The Times about the harmful effect this unfair and negative portrayal of Haitians is having on the aid effort. An article which ends with this short and very moving paragraph; 'Let’s hope that the food distributors worrying about their safety know that yesterday hundreds of people in Port-au-Prince dropped to their knees praying outside a warehouse where workers for the agency Food for the Poor had announced that they would be distributing rice and beans. The crowd allowed children and the elderly to go first in line without having guns aimed at them first.'

I am not suggesting that violent incidents should not be reported but given the negative impact such reports are likely to have on public donations, it's irresponsible of the media to pay such scant attention to the decency, bravery, and generosity of so many Haitians in the face of appalling tragedy.

To be fair to the media I doubt they're being swamped with complaints over this and naturally assume everyone is happy with their coverage. 25,000 people in this country were happy to spare the time to unleash Twitter hell over an insensitive, ill timed unpleasant Daily Mail column on one dead pop star. Is it asking too much for a bit of that outrage to be utilised in defence of almost ten million Haitians against this damaging and biased reporting?

Donations to Haitian disaster relief can be made here.

Cheerio

Crap Photofit

Hello,
Photofits are rubbish. People don't like to say so because they normally encounter the things when news reaches them that some frightful beast is on the loose and they don't want to undermine the search by loudly remarking that no human on earth ever looked like that.

I remember my entire family being reduced to tears of helpless laughter by a Crimewatch photofit of a rapist who bore a striking resemblance to a wooden spoon. As mother wisely remarked displaying a picture of the sex offending oddity seriously undermined the horror all right thinking people ought to feel at such a crime. Honestly you should have seen us rolling around the floor laughing even though it hurt. The hiccups that night were a purgatory!

Mind you it did put my own run of bad luck with the sex offender community into perspective. Whatever humiliations I have endured at least the perp wasn't an egg whisk.

Anyway it has come to my attention that a new photofit of Osama Bin Laden is, like Mr Bin Laden himself, on the loose. However before all you amateur sleuths get over excited and send poor Mo from the newsagents to Guatanamo for advanced bullying, hear this. The photofit is rubbish. When I first saw it I wondered why Osama had Gordon Brown's hair. It turns out the hair belongs to a Spanish politician as does the jaw line.

In other words the FBI have presented the world the a picture of a Spanish fellow entirely unrelated to Mr Bin Laden but sumperimposed Bin Laden's eyes and nose to it to trick us into thinking they haven't entirely wasted our time.

If they don't know what he looks like at the moment they'd be as well keeping quiet. Stunts like this make them look like the Keystone Cops only funnier. One might as well stick a Bin Laden mask to a cheetah or a portaloo and ask the world if they've seen this man.

Cheerio

Haiti

Hello,
As every other idiot on the planet has been bumping their rancid gums about the situation in Haiti, I see no reason why I shouldn't join in. Honestly you should see the Guardian comments -60% were probably first drafted in crayon by someone who moves their lips while they read (I would link to them but they appear to have vanished).


Anyway I've had a bit of a bee in my bonnet about Haiti for a number of years now, an interest that deepened after attending a fascinating lecture on Haitian Voodoo a few years back. I shall confess to a slight giddiness at certain aspects of Haitian culture.


Haiti is a wee country that has been at the mercy of the vile actions of bullying nations almost from the get go. Far from being a basket case ruled by incompetents it actually had a relatively sensible fellow in charge following it's successful slave revolt. Toussaint L'Overture made great efforts to establish a stable nation including acknowledging that the exiled planters had something to offer in terms of their expertise and inviting them to return to the island, ensuring work on plantations continued and establishing trading links with the United States. Had he been allowed to get on with it Haiti today might be in better shape than it is. But he wasn't.


Instead the French preferred him where they could see him and deported him to France where he died. Not content with that the French later demanded a payment of 150 million Francs in return for recognising Haiti as independent. This was intended to compensate the former slave owners who'd lost out when the slaves had the effrontery to object to being slaves. As insults go it's hard to beat; expecting the victims of a crime to compensate the criminal but there we have it. Whilst the sum payable was later reduced it took Haiti until the late 1940's to repay the money extorted from them. Let's face it being 150 million francs in debt isn't really the best of starts for a new nation.


I remember a few years back there was a call for the descendants of former slaves the world over being given reparations. At the time I thought this was a bit foolish and felt the money would better spent ending modern day slavery. I stand by that but if ever there was a nation that was due a refund it's Haiti. I don't wish to single out the French, the British, the Spanish and the Germans won't be winning any retrospective prizes for generosity or decency either.


Moving on to nearer the present the American government have made several very destructive interventions into Haiti, incredibly on one occasion they even used pigs, more of which later.


The United States occupied Haiti between 1915 and 1934, something of a mixed blessing to say the least but they did leave it with some sort of infrastructure and in better shape than before they arrived.


Of course no mention of Haiti would be complete without a mention of the distinctly unlovely Duvalier family. In an interesting use of U.S public funds the government decided to back these monsters with generous military and economic aid. Poor old Haiti run by a thieving dictator, backed by the worlds no1 superpower. The Duvalier's are believed to have trousered about 80% of all international aid that came into the country during their rule. It may surprise you to learn that all the good work the U.S did on the infrastructure during it's occupation was squandered during this time by a regime bought and paid for by the U.S. 'Baby Doc' Duvalier is still alive and living in Paris. In a sane world he'd be captured, put on trial and jailed for what he and his family have done.

Then we have the frankly bizarre Aristide episodes, which for reasons of length I shall gloss over, pausing only to issue a tut in the direction of the United States who know full well how a democracy works and have no business sticking their oar in.

I promised you pigs would put in an appearance so here are the wrong pigs. In the late 1970's Haiti's pig population was struck down with a dose of swine flu. As is the usual practice with this type of situation all the pigs were put to sleep and the repopulation began. Unfortunately the USA sent the wrong pigs. Pigs of a breed ill suited to the Haitian environment and required special feed which the people couldn't afford. Before long the wrong pigs died out and the people who'd relied on pigs for their living lost a valuable source of food and income. On the plus side American pig farmers made a fortune.

Then some mastermind decided it would be just the ticket to dump excess subsidised cheap American rice on the Haitian market undercutting Haitaian farmers and leading to the collapse of the Haitian rice growing industry who couldn't compete. You might ask what on earth possessed the Haitians to import something that would destroy their ability to feed themselves. The answer being the IMF and the World Bank who forbade them to take measures to protect their developing economy in case it made the market angry. At this point market forces kicked in and Haitians took to buying and selling mudcakes as a foodstuff.

It would be funny if the consequences weren't so dire. A poor country tries to protect it's economy and the developed world has a fit of the vapours and calls it a commie. Meanwhile the worlds richest country imposes tarriffs to keep cheap rice out and protect it's rice growers.

Oh and before any smuggos start on about the satanic USA you may wish to reflect on the European Union's record on subsides and tarrifs. Of course having a go at the USA is quite the thing round my way, attacking the EU and it's filthy practices is xenophobia.

More hilarious still for admirers of starvation humour is the spectacle of smug fuckers born into houses with taps who've barely broken a sweat in their entire life wondering why the filthy foreigners don't just sling a few quid into some shares and stop scrounging off the rest of us. Ironically if the free market these fuckers are so fond of actually existed, countries like Haiti might be in better shape as they could sell their cash crops on the international market. The western consumer would get cheaper rice, they'd have jobs, money and a basis on which to develop their economy. Instead as we've seen with the banks it's socialism for the fat cats and capitalism for the peasants.

Having come through all that is it really any wonder Haiti was an almighty disaster even before the earthquake struck? Yes, corruption is a problem there but given that the people have barely had a chance to participate in a democracy and hold their rulers to account, can they be held responsible for their governments actions?

The point all this is drifting towards is that the the Haitians deserve whatever help we can give them both in the long and short term. Clearly at the moment the disaster relief effort is the main priority and for those with a few quid to spare donations can be made here to experienced charities well used to operating in corrupt countries and will ensure your donation stands the best chance of reaching the people it was intended for.

In the longer term whilst charitable donations can help and are to be encouraged, those with in an interest in Haiti need to get a lot better at holding our politicians to account in relation to the strings attached to government aid, cancelling Haiti's debt and giving them access to international markets if Haiti is to escape this endless round of disaster, dictatorship, coup and aid.

Goodnight

Raise Your Drawers!

Hello,
I note all the understandable howls of outrage about irritating nutbag Anjem Choudary's plans to pointlessly give offence to the good folk of Wootton Bassett by staging a publicity stunt in memory of the "real war dead".

I very much doubt that the whole farce will go ahead as I'm sceptical of Mr Choudary's ability to rally sufficient fundafannies to carry the cardboard coffins while he boo hoos his crocodile tears over the dead Afghans. Still in announcing it he's created an almighty fuss, distressed the residents of Wootton Bassett and got his mug all over the papers which is no doubt what he wants.

Still as no one appears terribly into the idea of completely ignoring the tit, a counter demo has been announced.

I must say I'm particularly tickled by this idea from the folk at The Spittoon which rather wonderfully combines protest with a bit of fun at the expense of Choudary and the failed plane bombers exploding drawers.

'let all who wish to show this truly grotesque man up as the nasty, ridiculous bigot he is – FLY THE UNDERPANTS!.......we all know that angry andy and the bombastic beards of barminess would be applauding the Glorious Pants Of Terror right now if it had all gone as planned on flight 253, so let’s throw it right back in their faces. take a broomhandle or some other stick-type object and fly a pair of y-fronts off them as a flag. stick them in the window of your house or the window of your car, like people did in the last world cup.'

Rather than the proposed y-fronts, I'd prefer to see vast bloomers -the sort of thing Mrs Slocombe in Are You Being Served? used to sport. However I'm not fussy and am certain that all varieties of underpant are equally capable of making their point. Whether this particular protest goes ahead or not, this is such a brilliant, simple and amusing idea I suspect it won't be long before Choudary cops an eyeful of the nation's drawers.

Cheerio

The Guardian

Hello,
It may be that I have an unusually suspicious nature but I can't help but think this fellow over at The Guardian is being somewhat naive.

Mr Kennedy is somewhat indignant to find out that an organic food chain by the name of 'Whole Foods' isn't quite as wholesome as it's marketing hopes you'll believe. I know I can hardly believe it myself! Can it be true? Do we live in a world where marketing firms are paid millions to churn out any old bollocks to prise the pennies from our purses?

I can't even be bothered going into the terrible events that caused the scales to fall from his eyes. I shall merely ask whether his apparent distress at the sight of a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup means his life is easier or much harder than everyone elses. On the one hand he's lucky that's all he has to worry him but on the other, life cannot be easy if condiments bring on a fit of the vapours. Mind you he's lucky it was Heinz -he'd no doubt be horrified at some of the inferior brands most supermarkets will try and palm you off with. The worst offenders are cafes -what these fiends try to pass of as HP ought to banned.

I'm a bit surprised at the ruler of Whole Foods being so open about selling junk to naive toffs. If I was him I'd be arranging my face into a suitably Christ like expression of compassion and emoting about pesticides and children, casually chucking in that 'we at Whole Foods sell organic stuff' -that's bound to be worth a few extra sales once the parents of Georgie, Jack and Jemima get all hysterical at the idea their little seedlings are being poisoned.

I must say the Guardian is superb at the moment, absolutely superb. Mr Eugenides very kindly draws our attention their 'I've Changed My Mind' series in which contributors affect to have undergone some some change in their thinking but which lead me to suspect someone, possibly Viz might have infiltrated The Guardian offices in order to play a terrible prank on us all. The one by a repentant 'Modern Parent' type is quite wonderful especially for the bewildered cry of 'he'd never watched anything more violent than Teletubbies'.

In fairness most of the 'I've changed my mind..' article read like those awful school essays one was forced to write about the holidays in which one had to cobble assorted imaginary incidents together to fufil the one page of foolscap, both sides brief. I expect with the credit crunch they all need the money for organic sunblushed foie gras roulades or what ever it is they're into these days.

Cheerio

Hey! Terry Show Us Your Legal Action!

Hello,
I recently emailed Cllr Terry Kelly in response to some lies he'd told about me on his blog.

Here is his response!

'It wasn't just the terrywatch site which was repellent you were as well; anyone who uses mental health issues to gain personal advantage is beneath contempt; that means you.

You were anonymous out of cowardice nothing else; like the other contemptible blogger "Will" you now feel vulnerable because of the recent expose of anti Labour blog scandals and you no doubt wonder what might happen. I have been contacted by two different sources who remember the Herald article and they have asked me if I would supply them with any stuff which I have kept so I am watching developments closely. It would be interesting to add some other names of people involved in such despicable behaviour.

I don't know anything about other Herald Stories on you or the other malcontents involved and I don't want to know; the whole rotten lot of you deserve each other. As far as taking further action against you is concerned that decision will be taken not by me but by my daughter; were it simply down to me you would have had the lawyer's letter by now.'

Cllr. Terry Kelly.


Oh dear! I'm actually desperate for this to go to court. I'm of the opinion that prosceuting me for my political beliefs hurts him rather more than it hurts me. I'm also of the opinion that pigs will fly the day this pair of political bigots sue me.

Cheers

P.S If anyone is up for restarting Terrywatch on a more organised and more analytical basis let me know.

J.C

I Thought They Banned It!

Hello,
Every year the press get's itself into a terrible state about Muslims no doubt in cahoots with the pc brigade banning Christmas in order to torment the all important indigenous people.

The notion that these stories are all but made up is of course unthinkable, which begs the question when are they going to get round to banning it round my way? It shows no signs of abating, in fact even the bloody Muslims have joined in, though I've not seen this pc brigade we hear so much about skipping around in party hats. I expect they're hiding somewhere just waiting to pounce.

It's not that I mind Christmas in itself. One get's time off work, there are lights and decorations, someone usually dies in Eastenders and there's a lot of drinking. In that respect it means that once a year the rest of the nation resembles what goes on in my head during idle moments -though with less in the way of kittens.

It's the fucking gifts I can't stand -that and the physical contact. This year in work we had the usual 'Secret Santa' draws in the various offices. I ended up in draws in two offices, which meant buying two presents and receiving two presents. It's just as well my mother used to lecture me on not giving to receive because I'd have been bloody furious otherwise. I spent hours on my gifts whereas one of my Secret Santas might as well have popped into the service station for a bunch of withered mixed flowers and a chamois leather.

Naturally I have undertaken detective work to establish precisely who my enemy is and have been stunned to learn that such a seemingly nice chap can hold me in such contempt. It's all the more frustrating because I've lost count of all the bitchy things I could have said about him during the year but held back because I thought wearing Simpsons ties in the office didn't necessarily mean he was evil. I think for my New Years resolution I shall revert to despising everyone until they prove themselves to be good eggs.

Finally I ask you all to note the clip at the top of the page. It's part one of three of the 1977 Christmas special of The Good Life. As Grace Dent notes in the Guardian it might well be Penelope Keith's finest acting hour. I love the charecter of Margo Leadbetter to the extent that I have to remind myself, sadly she isn't real and as such I shall never be admitted to one of her bridge parties. Do take the time to watch the episode- it's quite the hoot.

Cheerio