As some of you may be aware 'The Merchant City Festival' was in full swing this weekend. As a resident I'm a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. The local shops have done a roaring trade and not just the wank boutiques but paper shops and the like, we've had a street market and opera singers at the back of the close. All of which please me.
However as with all things there is a terrible, terrible downside. Every single arsehole in Glasgow has descended on the place, all weekend I've had to repress the urge to take to the streets with a loudhailer screaming 'get back to the west end cunts'. Some truly appalling music has been played live by various folk who'd be better off as accountants and worst of all I was attacked!
I was strolling along Ingram Street minding my own business when I was cornered by two chaps dressed as dogs, who proceeded to bark loudly and sniff bits of me that should be left undisturbed in public. Black affronted does not even begin to cover it. Naturally I put on my 'good sport' face but I wanted to kill them. A small crowd gathered to point and hoot at this blatant sexual assault as if what was happening was not already embarrassing enough. As you know I'm not one to point fingers but the pair of beasts have the nerve to bill themselves as 'suitable for children' -they ought to be lynched.
As a direct result of this I've been having one of my turns all evening. Nerves as per bloody usual. I expect the drama students in dog costumes have been smugging all night about making the public part of the performance. I hope they are murdered in their beds.