Filament

Hello,
I see that the path previously trodden by 'Playgirl' and 'For Women' is being trod once again by 'Filament' . As ever erections are proving a problem being considered obscene in 'erotica' aimed at women rather than porn aimed at men which as far as I can tell appears to be full of whoppers.

The folk at 'Filament' are of course protesting this state of affairs. The deal is that if enough folk buy issue one, issue two will feature a proud an erect boaby rather than a boring flaccid fellow. As marketing strategies go it's not bad but it's hard to care one way or the other.

For a start it's an 'erotic' magazine. I hate erotica, it's the visual equivalent of those drips that used to hang round the school bully in the hope some of his menace would rub off. Why in God's name would any sentient being want to look at a Timotei advert with stiffies? It's dull. Worse still it appears to have been based around the findings of focus groups. Sweet Lord -consensus erotica! At least consensus porn might have a whiff of the gang bang about it but erotica is just a man thinking about having a wank photographed through a doily.

All any consensus is going to add to the erotica is a few articles for the sort monsterous muppet that says 'us girls' as if we'd elected her as minister for wacky fun or worse responsible articles about womens health accompanied by a ten question quiz entitled 'What cancer will YOU die of tit, womb or ovary?'. Maybe both -surely that will herald the apocalpyse and end this comfortable misery.

There are times that being a women is like supporting one of those football teams that hover around the top of their division/league/bore or whatever the sponsors call them nowadays. One receives sufficient signs of imminent triumph to prevent a self inflicted fatal adventure with a gun but defeat is snatched from the jaws of glory at every opportunity.

The launch of a new erotic magazine for ladies always brings despair. It doesn't have to be this way. In essence sextainment or ladies should be funny in which case a magazine that looks like a selection of stag night photos with a earnest male stripper or two here and there will suffice.

Or ideally it should be perfectly obscene. Photograph vast orgies, winking goats, show man on man on woman on woman, a mixture, cross dressing, fetish, burelesque, strippers, danger wanks, paupers, princes, slaves, peepshows, hoors, lunatics, boxers, the kitchen sink, chicks with dicks, fat folk, thin folk, inbetweeners, tops, bottoms, all races, all ages, sillicone stuffed freaks, allsorts I haven't thought of -the works. Imagine a collaboration on an update of Hogarths' Beer Street and Gin Lane by Beardsley and Crumb and you'd be off to a good start.

The only thing that should be banned is any visible sign of birth control. Fuck responsibility -create a fantasy land where we all fuck like animals caring not a jot for the consequences because there are none. A touch of jaded 18th century aristocrat here and there is as close to reality as it need get. Aim for a full body and mind orgasm. The 'stories' should be well written, witty, imaginative filth, the articles devoted entirely to self indulgence, laziness and all the fun of the fair.

That is how a decent porno should be done. Now if anyone with clout wants to bankroll it I'll rule it. Failing that send me your pictures articles, stories, letters and trifles and I'll whack it all up on a special blog. I'm serious, lets all have a big daft art blog on the theme of sex.

Cheerio

Cheerio

The End Of The World Is Nigh.

Hello,
I like to imagine God sitting about smoking a pipe and wondering what we're all up to. Let's all pray that no-one tells him because if they do we're doomed. When I say 'we' I don't mean you or I. It's a bunch of pervos I'm on about. Namely 'sock sniffers' . Worse still they seem to be into sniffing vile, white sports socks and worst of all comedy socks. I must stress that these are used socks which if the adverts are to believed have been worn by 'chavs' and 'scallies'.

There's no law against this sort of thing or if there is it hasn't come to my attention but y'know yuck. What's the attraction in dirty socks? Why? Bearing in mind that I am a lady, can anyone explain, using carefully chosen euphemisms, what these freaks do with the socks? Is it a big joke or do they really get excited by them?

I'm amazed there hasn't been a sock related sex crime in Glasgow over the last few years. For a while all the neds were walking about with sports socks pulled up over the lower leg of their tracksuit bottoms. I did wonder what they were up to but not for a second did I imagine that they were some sort of exhibitionists on the sock scene.

All that said there appears to be an emerging used ladies tights scene and whilst I can't say I approve, if anyone would like to save me doing a washing I'm open to offers.

Cheerio

The World's Most Inept Pornographers

Hello,
A very dear gentleman friend of mine brought this masterpiece of erotic comedy to my attention. That he was watching on a night where he normally sees me is something I choose to overlook. Some facts are better left without analysis if one is to keep what's left of one's self-esteem.

Anyway this wonderful piece of Glaswegian amateur porn features the lovely Adele from Bellshill, who turns in a non-plussed performance that will stay with me forever. I am no expert on the production of home made pornography, not that I haven't had the opportunity I might add. Lord knows what that would have been called -'Sarky drunk bird attempts shag mid fag'? Thankfully modesty prevailed and the world was spared Clairwil in action.

To wander back towards the point, as I said I'm no expert in amateur porn but if I was directing some I would forbid the male star to wear socks. I cannot bear the sight of a man wearing nothing but his socks. It's unseemly. If by some tragic accident he accidentially booted the female star in the snatch, I'm not sure I would include that scene. In fact I am certain I would not. That said the dialogue is superb, well in the bits where the sound hasn't cut out. It's hard to say which bit I enjoyed most, the shouts of encouragement from the camera man or poor Adele's protest that she'd only come over because she thought they were going out or Adele's terrifying screech of 'who're you fuckin slappin?'. God isn't that a pain, you're all dolled up for a night out and a couple of neds rope you into their camera phone porno, then one of them has effortery to slap you mid blow job.

I need hardly say that these are not work friendly clips but they are the funniest thing I've seen in years.

Cheerio