Oh Looky!

Hello,
I just picked up The Guardian two minutes ago and as a result have discovered the most wonderful website! It is a compilation of the wit and wisdom of the various contributors to the BBC Have Your Say pages.

It's almost impossible to choose a favourite -though Jack Taft has to be a contender. Then again Jim Bob's expose of those evil darkies and their selfish insistence on eating hot food is comedy gold. Still there can only be one winner and after much dithering I crown Angela of Birmingham the HYS Queen for her comments on lads mags and her apparent belief that they encourage paedophilia by showing adults with their baps out.

Go and marvel!

UPDATE!!!!

Sorry Angela remove your crown and step off the podium! I have a new winner. Before I introduce you to the improbably named 'Mohammed Pork' of Mecca, Pakistan let me ask you to think about possible answers to the following question.

'What should be done to improve parenting skills?'

It's a tricky one but nothing and I mean nothing could have prepared me for Mr Pork's reply;

'Time has come to anhiliate pakistan and bangladesh from the map of the world… the muslims need to be punished…they have lost their license to live'

Mohammed Pork, Mecca, Pakistan

Seriously can we give this guy his own show? I can see it now 'Pork's World' in which Big Mo Pork gives us his views on the issues of the day before choosing which Muslim nation should be eradicated at the end of each show in revenge for the world's woes. Imagine the studio audience banging their feet chanting 'no licence to live' as Mo announces that the congestion charge is just sharia law under a so called trendy pc name and blows up Iran as revenge! Obviously the PC brigade would never allow Mo to nuke Iran for real but he could do something symbolic like write 'Iran' on a single mother's forehead and let the studio audience kick her to death.

Isn't Diamond Dan A Marvel?

Hello,
For the love of God look at this!

'Diamond Dan will be the kind of person who offers his seat on a crowded bus to an elderly lady. He won't drop litter and he will be keen on recycling.' More......

Sweet Jesus! I don't know what to say.

The bawdy hand of the dial is now upon the prick of noon

Hello,

A lovely article about the art of innuendo.

Thanks to Surreptitious Evil

Cheers

Portobello Rocks

More....

Peer Reviewed Perversions

Hello,

I really must draw your attention to this fine post on an excellent blog.

View it immediately - you will thank me in the end.

Cheerio

Stuff From My Strolls....

Hello,
I've been strolling across the internet and found two charming things. The first is the above clip and the second is this blog. The idea behind the blog is simply brilliant and brilliantly simple! All one has to do is scrawl a message on a bank note, snap it then send it out into the world with added value.

Naturally I will be writing on as many notes as I get my hands on from now on.

Cheerio

Neglect

Hello,

The Ill Man and I have a neglected blog.

Cheerio

Thanks Folks!

Hello,

Thanks to your heroic efforts my lens sailed into the top 1000 and is currently sitting at 450.

Cheers

and speaking of begging....

Hello,
I have a small favour to ask you all. I've been beavering a way building Squidoo lenses and am beginning to have some modest success doing so in that I'm making a few quid. This lens here is a mere baw hair from being in the top 1000 which if it continues it's steady ascent will mean extra cash for me to distribute to beggars or spend on hats. To help me out I'd be eternally grateful if you would all click on this link to give my traffic a boost.

It won't cost you a penny and you don't have to hang about, though I'd love it if you did, just a quick click then hit your back button.

In return I shall tell you all an amusing tale involving a detested work colleague (the pervert) after thirty hits.

Right now I'm off to spam Terry Kelly.

Cheerio

The Open Thread

Hello,

The Open Thread is up over at Pickled Politics -drop in and say hello if you get a moment.

Cheers

Going about things the wrong way........

Hello,
I see we have had another small victory in The War Against Terror in that this rather unassuming chap has been arrested for trying to kill civil servants.

Whilst there can be few among us haven't at some point longed to kill a civil servant I'm afraid our Mr Cooper has gone about things the wrong way. Some time ago Flying Rodent gave the world a handy post full of advice and tips on sending civil servants mad and I would refer anyone contemplating killing a civil servant to read it and reconsider. Had Mr Cooper taken the time to do a spot of research he wouldn't be in the mess he's in today. To think people think blogs are just a load of oafs writing drivel!

Anyway the whole letter-bomb thing is a waste of time, they never get to anyone who really deserves a face full of rusty nails instead some poor New Deal office monkey cops it. Apparently it was some sort of protest about I-D cards which will probably make their introduction more likely than ever knowing the way our rulers minds work.

That's it from me I'm a way to huff impotently at events in Burma and feast on vegetarian haggis and mashed potatoes.

Cheerio

My Squidoo Lens

Hello,
I'm not really sure how to explain what a Squidoo Lens actually is or what it's for but I'm using mine to store odds and sods and would be delighted if you popped in.

Cheerio


P.S I haven't finished it yet any suggestions for what to add next.

Why Can't I Own A Canadian?

Hello,

Do read this, it's a hoot! Now do you see why I love the Bible so much.

Cheerio

Over There

Hello,

That's the open thread up at Pickled Politics. Do drop in and be entertaining.

Cheerio

Turn That Bloody Racket Off!

Hello,
I see Elton John has demanded that the internet be turned off for five years. Can that be done? Where is the internet kept? Who looks after it? We should of course bear in mind that Elton John once phoned a hotel reception in a temper and told them to turn down the weather so it is possible he's misunderstood the whole thing a bit.

Naturally I'm opposed to this wicked plan. I prefer the internet to the telly these days. Telly reminds me that I am alone in the universe, the internet allows me to pretend I'm not. My whole life I've been haunted by the feeling that all the people like me are off elsewhere doing interesting stuff whilst I'm surrounded by people who humour me or irritate me.

I'm off out on Friday night on some sort of work 'teambuilding' night out in an appalling tapas bar. Why they can't just accept that we all hate each other and leave us in peace I'll never know. What is the sodding point? What do I have to say to a load of mums who reek of antiseptic and talk about their bowels all the time? Well plenty actually but they'd all start making the gasp of outrage possibly worse than the one they do when they see something that displeases them on GMTV so I'll be sitting in silence watching the clock and dreaming up excuses to leave early.

With any luck one of them will drink a glass of wine and do something outrageous, though I fear it will the the usual tuts of disapproval if I order a pint. Worse still they'll insist we share our dishes. I fucking hate sharing. I cannot bear it. Every time we go out it's the same. I look at the menu and decide what I want whereas they all flap about whining 'what are you having' so that they can co-ordinate, then treat me like an anti-social freak for my perfectly reasonable desire to eat without them sticking their dirty forks in my food. I wouldn't mind but these are people who change the sheets immediately after sex and carry wet wipes at all times yet they're quite happy to stick their bloody germs in my dinner. I should stress I'm not germ phobic but I refuse to eat off the same plate as anyone I wouldn't sleep with.


Oh God I'm on a roll now. The list of things they do that annoy me is too long to deal with in detail but as this is food related I'll throw it in. Every single day in work they ask me what I'm having for lunch or if I happen to be eating it at the time the lean over and look at it before questioning me as to exactly what's in my sandwich. For six months I ate cheese sandwiches because it was easier to explain than houmous. I don't know why but I feel very agressive when questioned about my lunch. Always have, even as a child. What gets me hopping mad is when they ask what I'm having then get the same thing and tell everyone that they bought it because Clairwil was having it and it looked nice.

Right I must end now I feel a rant about their stupid fake allergies coming on and if I start I won't stop.

Cheers

The Round Ups.....

This weeks Britblog Round Up is over here and the Scottish Blog Round Up is in it's usual place.

Some great stuff on both, so take the time to have a look.

They said we'd be artistically free, got to sign a bit of paper....

Hello,

I see there has been a minor hoo-hah about the 'Reggae Compassionate Act' with two of the the signatories claiming that they did not in fact sign it.

For those of you not familiar with the act. It is a document signed by various reggae artists who've been in hot water over violent anti-gay lyrics in their music.

Am I alone in wondering what the point of such a document is? The artists were facing boycotts, loss of contracts, protests and the cancellation of live performances, could it be that they would have signed anything to protect their lucrative careers?

I am certainly not against the right of people to protest against the artists concerned. If one is going to make inflammatory statements against a particular group then they should be ready to take the consequences, as indeed should the companies that sponsor them. Unless of course one is displaying hatred and aggression towards woman in which case they can be assured a of loyal female following and praise for their daring lyrics. Which is fine by me art is one thing, morality another. Unless someone is in breaching of existing laws regarding incitement to violence then I couldn't really care less what they get up to. Incidentally I'd be willing to bet that at least one anti-gay reggae artist is, if not a practicing homosexual, at least gay in their sexual orientation. One can protest too much.

There is something a little naive in the belief that by getting a few artists to sign a piece of paper under threat of boycotts and so on that attacks on homosexuals in Jamaica will stop or even be reduced. Peter Tatchell describes the artists concerned as '...unrepentant homophobic performers are the moral equivalent of neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan'. A fair point but would anyone take seriously neo-Nazis or Klan members signing a document renouncing their beliefs under threat of loss of earnings. Call me cynical but I'd suspect their motives.

Supporters of this campaign have quite rightly pointed to the anti-gay violence in Jamaica as part of the reason for this campaign. However it should be noted that homosexual acts are still illegal in Jamaica. Something that makes gays more vulnerable than anything any reggae artist could come up with. Would the time money and energy devoted to this not be better spent supporting J-Flag who are dedicated to transforming the attitudes of all of Jamaican society towards gays not just encouraging pragmatic self-censorship amongst Jamaican musicians?

It is also worth noting that Jamaican society as a whole is extremely violent. As I'm led to understand that all human life is considered to be of value, would it not be worthwhile for campaigners against anti-gay violence to offer their assistance to the wider campaigns against violence and gun culture? After all it is perfectly possible to dislike or even feel repelled by homosexuals without resorting to violence. Surely a campaign against violence as a means of furthering moral, political or personal aims would do more good than a few insincere musicians signing a bit of paper.

I don't claim to speak for my own country let alone Jamaica. It is idealistic but a world where when can go about one's business without fear of violence strikes me as a pretty universal and desirable aim and Jamaicans are as deserving of the quiet life as the rest of us. If hearing some repulsive, anti gay rant on a reggae record is the worst you have to contend with then you're comparatively lucky. 47% of Jamaican women describe their first sexual encounter as 'forced' or 'somewhat forced' or what about this poor woman who made the mistake of reporting an abduction and gang rape to the Jamaican authorities. Or is sexual violence against women just business as usual?

Cheerio

The Shoplifting Seagull

Hello,
As I'm sure we're all in mourning for poor Shambo the bull, lets cheer ourselves up by admiring the Dorito munching shoplifting seagull of Aberdeen.

Whilst I'm no fan of gulls I find him charming. There is something noble in his face. Not what one would expect a criminal to look like at all.

Cheers

Mr Biffo

Hello,
The internet's silliest blogger is on tour talking about his new book. Details here.

Beware the charms of 'Loopylisa21'

Cheerio

Make Your Bloody Mind Up

Hello,
As I swan about the internet I come across many a strongly expressed opinion about all manner of things. Take this fellow for example;

'Personally, I can take the Royal Family or leave them alone, I've no strong feelings about them either way. But if my tax money HAD to go to someone undeserving, I'd rather it went to them than to some promiscuous tramp on a council estate receiving government money for three children by three diferent fathers and spending most of it on cigarettes and booze. Or for that matter as a tax credit to some half-wit whose 'job' consists of pushing a vacuum cleaner around office carpets with his mouth open all day.'

Good heavens! Whats a poor person to do. They can take a badly paid job and be thought of as scum or they can have a lot of sex and pay vast sums to the treasury in the shape of fags and booze and still not be found up to scratch. I suppose the 'three different fathers' are the best of the bunch as they don't come in for a word of criticism. Perhaps the promiscuous tramp got herself pregnant!

Mind you he's not a total snob.......

'not all people on estates are promiscuous tramps...they could also be drug addicts, criminals or just plain lazy. But seriously, anyone still living on an estate or in reneted council property must at the least be a pretty unmotivated sort of person, what with the right to buy in existence and so on'

What is this bloody obsession with home ownership? There are any number of reasons one might choose to rent rather than buy. To be able to travel at short notice for work or be self-employed and averse to paying the extortionate interest rates charged by lenders for loans and mortgages to sole traders. 'A poor risk' I recall from my banking days.

My grandparents all worked a hell of a lot harder than I've ever had to and for far less. In fact some of them even did a spot of cleaning because it offered flexible hours whilst them fulfilling their family obligations and not a home owner amongst them. And they all knew how to spell 'rented' despite being 'lazy'.

One wonders if this fellow has actually been on a council estate or if he's just read about one in the Daily Mail. I wouldn't mind but I expect he'd be the first to throw a hissy fit if someone laid into the middle or upper classes in such a poisonous way.

Cheers