Hello,
I did promise you all a tale about my irritating work colleague so here it is. I did have a sketch to accompany it but my scanner is in a huff, so you'll need to wait for that. In the meantime here goes.
On Friday morning my irritating colleague called in sick stating he'd suffered 'a fall'. For reasons that are beyond me he turned up at the office at lunch time to explain face to face that he wouldn't be in. As he was due in at 10am by lunchtime we'd all worked that out.
Imagine my surprise and delight when he appeared reeking to high heaven of drink with cuts to both sides of his face his nose and knuckles still claiming to have fallen. A story he stuck to even after the entire office had stated it was obvious he's been in a fight.
His 'story' is that he was coming back from the pub and slipped on some gravel on a 'steep hill' after which everything conveniently goes blank. Now I'm no expert on forensics, in truth I am not even incompetent in it, however how is it possible to fall on your face and not only graze both knuckles but cut one's nose quite deeply, scrape both cheekbones and get a black eye?
Being an unusually clumsy individual I am expert on the subject of falling and those injuries aren't consistent with a fall. So the question arises what fucking hero walloped him? Who is the chap? What does he drink? What happened?
I am afraid I have become obsessed with uncovering the truth. So much so that Mr Clairwil half expects to me turn up in a deerstalker which is just silly, I see myself as more in the Miss Marple mould. I have even retraced his steps from the pub and can report that there is no loose gravel and no steep hills.
I suspect I know the motive all I'm missing is the perpetrator. I will keep you posted.
Showing posts with label happythings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happythings. Show all posts
10/22/2007
8/28/2007
8/27/2007
The Health Service Fights Back
Hello,
As someone who has been sent potty to the tonsils by working with the public I'm always pleased to hear of the front line fighting back.
Last weeks Digger carries the tale of one David Perham, a nurse working at Stobhill hospital. There was Mr Perham in the middle of a twelve hour shift when David Anderson was admitted with back pains. Mr Perham offered Mr Anderson paracetamol only to be told that 'they're fucking useless'. He then went to get another nurse to help deal with the complaint, to which Mr Anderson responded by calling him 'a useless cunt'. At this our hero Perham struck a blow form common sense and slapped Mr Anderson right on the kisser. Isn't it hilarious? Can you just imagine the look on his face?
Obviously one shouldn't condone such behaviour if one wants to appear reasonable. If I were in charge I would carefully weigh up the pros and cons, consider all the evidence and have abusive patients dumped on the street untreated with a book on manners. That is what I would do if I were in charge.
As you were.
Cheerio
As someone who has been sent potty to the tonsils by working with the public I'm always pleased to hear of the front line fighting back.
Last weeks Digger carries the tale of one David Perham, a nurse working at Stobhill hospital. There was Mr Perham in the middle of a twelve hour shift when David Anderson was admitted with back pains. Mr Perham offered Mr Anderson paracetamol only to be told that 'they're fucking useless'. He then went to get another nurse to help deal with the complaint, to which Mr Anderson responded by calling him 'a useless cunt'. At this our hero Perham struck a blow form common sense and slapped Mr Anderson right on the kisser. Isn't it hilarious? Can you just imagine the look on his face?
Obviously one shouldn't condone such behaviour if one wants to appear reasonable. If I were in charge I would carefully weigh up the pros and cons, consider all the evidence and have abusive patients dumped on the street untreated with a book on manners. That is what I would do if I were in charge.
As you were.
Cheerio
8/25/2007
8/23/2007
8/19/2007
Ah'm huvvin awfy bother wi yon ennui
Hello,
As you may have noticed I'm at a bit of a low ebb, though nothing compared to the 'episodes' of last year. God Bless Prozac! I don't care what anyone says it's a fine drug and I have no intention of coming off it ever. So there.
Anyway rather than sit about waiting for the planets to get into alignment or whatever it is that gets one out of a rut I have resolved to take action. I've started doing all the obvious stuff like a cooked breakfast once a week, eating vitamins and fruit, caffeine pills and exercise but now I'm stuck. Hence why I turn to you my wise band of readers to help me plan my next move.
The failure of my grand plan The Idler's Guild to bring me into contact with people with similar interests has dented my confidence a bit as indeed has the failure of my various business ventures. I'm not out to make millions just a living doing something that doesn't make me ill and ideally meet a few like-minded souls along the way.
Have any of you taken action to improve your lot? How did you choose the right path? What does one do when one feels a bit lost and bewildered? Any wise advice would be appreciated either in the comments below or send me an email.
Cheerio
As you may have noticed I'm at a bit of a low ebb, though nothing compared to the 'episodes' of last year. God Bless Prozac! I don't care what anyone says it's a fine drug and I have no intention of coming off it ever. So there.
Anyway rather than sit about waiting for the planets to get into alignment or whatever it is that gets one out of a rut I have resolved to take action. I've started doing all the obvious stuff like a cooked breakfast once a week, eating vitamins and fruit, caffeine pills and exercise but now I'm stuck. Hence why I turn to you my wise band of readers to help me plan my next move.
The failure of my grand plan The Idler's Guild to bring me into contact with people with similar interests has dented my confidence a bit as indeed has the failure of my various business ventures. I'm not out to make millions just a living doing something that doesn't make me ill and ideally meet a few like-minded souls along the way.
Have any of you taken action to improve your lot? How did you choose the right path? What does one do when one feels a bit lost and bewildered? Any wise advice would be appreciated either in the comments below or send me an email.
Cheerio
7/28/2007
Now that fucking rocks.
Hello,
I was intending to do a bit of a usual hits style Tom Jones You Tube special this evening and I do have those clips to but the one I really want to draw your attention to is Tom and Janis Joplin duetting or carrying on like banshees on heat. Truly arse moving and mind blowing. Behold.
Delilah rather pales in comparison although it's still ace. Until I was 22 I felt rather unloved if an episode of insane jealousy hadn't spilled over into violence during the course of a mating ritual. Him indoors and I don't go in for much in the way of door slamming at grandiose suicide bids though he is stern enough about erect nipples to make me feel a bit owned. Not that I am owned
it's a pleasing fantasy that I encourage when it suits me.
Now let Tom show you where all that simmering passion gets you. Cause and effect kids.
Cheerio
I was intending to do a bit of a usual hits style Tom Jones You Tube special this evening and I do have those clips to but the one I really want to draw your attention to is Tom and Janis Joplin duetting or carrying on like banshees on heat. Truly arse moving and mind blowing. Behold.
Delilah rather pales in comparison although it's still ace. Until I was 22 I felt rather unloved if an episode of insane jealousy hadn't spilled over into violence during the course of a mating ritual. Him indoors and I don't go in for much in the way of door slamming at grandiose suicide bids though he is stern enough about erect nipples to make me feel a bit owned. Not that I am owned
it's a pleasing fantasy that I encourage when it suits me.
Now let Tom show you where all that simmering passion gets you. Cause and effect kids.
Cheerio
7/26/2007
The Shoplifting Seagull
Hello,
As I'm sure we're all in mourning for poor Shambo the bull, lets cheer ourselves up by admiring the Dorito munching shoplifting seagull of Aberdeen.
Whilst I'm no fan of gulls I find him charming. There is something noble in his face. Not what one would expect a criminal to look like at all.
Cheers
As I'm sure we're all in mourning for poor Shambo the bull, lets cheer ourselves up by admiring the Dorito munching shoplifting seagull of Aberdeen.
Whilst I'm no fan of gulls I find him charming. There is something noble in his face. Not what one would expect a criminal to look like at all.
Cheers
7/03/2007
How Does One Get To Port Logan From Glasgow?
Hello,
I am again requesting the help of my wise readers. I MUST get to Port Logan on 13/07/07. I decided this morning and that is that but I don't have a car and it seems somewhat remote!
I can get to Stranraer but that leaves me with another 13 miles to go. Is there a bus service? A horse and cart driven by a kindly farmer? One thing is certain I'm not bloody walking. Not with my feet. I am a martyr to my feet, buttocks and nerves which rules out 13 mile walks and uncertainty.
Some local knowledge would be lovely!
Elsewhere 'Smeatomania' continues to delight almost all of us.
Cheerio
I am again requesting the help of my wise readers. I MUST get to Port Logan on 13/07/07. I decided this morning and that is that but I don't have a car and it seems somewhat remote!
I can get to Stranraer but that leaves me with another 13 miles to go. Is there a bus service? A horse and cart driven by a kindly farmer? One thing is certain I'm not bloody walking. Not with my feet. I am a martyr to my feet, buttocks and nerves which rules out 13 mile walks and uncertainty.
Some local knowledge would be lovely!
Elsewhere 'Smeatomania' continues to delight almost all of us.
Cheerio
7/02/2007
All Hail Oor John!
UPDATE: There are now several ways to honour John Smeaton.
Buy him a pint- the aim is to get to 1000 pints.
Make your very own John Smeaton banner for T in The Park
Thanks Bama_Lou.
6/18/2007
6/14/2007
6/10/2007
I am a Bingo champion!
Hello,
I've taken up online bingo and I'm pleased to report I'm rather good at it. In the last two days I've won a total of £135, it would have been more but I had to share a prize! Oh and before some soggy flannel starts, this all came from one £5 deposit and a free tenner and being a responsible gambler I have removed my winnings and deposit from my account, so I am in effect gambling on their money. People should admire me.
In a surprising turn of events earlier in the week I was advised that I have someone 'very interesting' from the 'spirit world' behind me. Unfortunately, although I am more spiritually evolved that you peasants, at this stage in my development I'm not allowed to know who it is. I hope it's Oscar Wilde but worry that it might be Hitler. I'd hate to be followed by Hitler. Quite apart from his disgraceful behaviour , he doesn't strike one as having much of a sense of humour and then there's all that guilt by association stuff to consider. I was told this by a real psychic quite out the blue. One minute I was rummaging through my handbag, the next I was wide eyed in astonishment.
Apparently there are 144 souls alive and dead in my 'soul group'. I reckon I've encountered two of them in my life so far (including the dead one that's following me) so that leaves 142 of my chums to track down, but how? I reckon the psychic was angling to be in my gang which I feel is understandable but misguided. The question for me is how do I track down the other 142. Naturally I will use all my usual methods, classified adverts, ouija boards and the like but does anyone have any ideas? I intend to devote 12 months to this mission and will be publishing the results in book form.
Anyway it's a warm night, I've got the windows open and 'Ragdoll Maggie' is downstairs belting out show tunes. I've never been gladder I'm alive.
Cheerio
I've taken up online bingo and I'm pleased to report I'm rather good at it. In the last two days I've won a total of £135, it would have been more but I had to share a prize! Oh and before some soggy flannel starts, this all came from one £5 deposit and a free tenner and being a responsible gambler I have removed my winnings and deposit from my account, so I am in effect gambling on their money. People should admire me.
In a surprising turn of events earlier in the week I was advised that I have someone 'very interesting' from the 'spirit world' behind me. Unfortunately, although I am more spiritually evolved that you peasants, at this stage in my development I'm not allowed to know who it is. I hope it's Oscar Wilde but worry that it might be Hitler. I'd hate to be followed by Hitler. Quite apart from his disgraceful behaviour , he doesn't strike one as having much of a sense of humour and then there's all that guilt by association stuff to consider. I was told this by a real psychic quite out the blue. One minute I was rummaging through my handbag, the next I was wide eyed in astonishment.
Apparently there are 144 souls alive and dead in my 'soul group'. I reckon I've encountered two of them in my life so far (including the dead one that's following me) so that leaves 142 of my chums to track down, but how? I reckon the psychic was angling to be in my gang which I feel is understandable but misguided. The question for me is how do I track down the other 142. Naturally I will use all my usual methods, classified adverts, ouija boards and the like but does anyone have any ideas? I intend to devote 12 months to this mission and will be publishing the results in book form.
Anyway it's a warm night, I've got the windows open and 'Ragdoll Maggie' is downstairs belting out show tunes. I've never been gladder I'm alive.
Cheerio
3/21/2007
Happy News and Help Wanted
Hello,
I have some happy news! I have a new job, only part-time but I'll be working from home! Living the dream! I had to audition and everything. Can Oscar glory be far off? Anyway my job will entail speaking to chaps about matters of an adult nature which presents me with something of a dilemma. I have to choose a category in which to appear and choose a hair colour.
Should I go for 18-25, 40+, blonde, brunette or ginger. Oh and I need a name as well. I've always wanted to be called Bernadette or Stella but I'm not sure they sound particularly 'racy'. At the same time I don't want to be called anything too 'porn star' because I'd feel like a total fool and the punters would smell a rat.
I've ruled out doing the shouting at men line because my voice is too soft to sound truly threatening. Plus I'm a terrible giggler so I think I'll do best to keep it light. So that leaves me with 'chat', dogging, anal sex, oral sex, feet, 'watersports' and 'other'. What on earth 'other' entails is a mystery, so I'm a bit wary. I don't think anyone wants to be calling up to hear me bellowing 'you want to what?, Good God sir, are you quite well?'
Suggestions please.
I have some happy news! I have a new job, only part-time but I'll be working from home! Living the dream! I had to audition and everything. Can Oscar glory be far off? Anyway my job will entail speaking to chaps about matters of an adult nature which presents me with something of a dilemma. I have to choose a category in which to appear and choose a hair colour.
Should I go for 18-25, 40+, blonde, brunette or ginger. Oh and I need a name as well. I've always wanted to be called Bernadette or Stella but I'm not sure they sound particularly 'racy'. At the same time I don't want to be called anything too 'porn star' because I'd feel like a total fool and the punters would smell a rat.
I've ruled out doing the shouting at men line because my voice is too soft to sound truly threatening. Plus I'm a terrible giggler so I think I'll do best to keep it light. So that leaves me with 'chat', dogging, anal sex, oral sex, feet, 'watersports' and 'other'. What on earth 'other' entails is a mystery, so I'm a bit wary. I don't think anyone wants to be calling up to hear me bellowing 'you want to what?, Good God sir, are you quite well?'
Suggestions please.
2/24/2007
Happy Things!
Hello,
Today I'd like to share two happy things with you all.
The first is a website that gives away free sweets. It's like a childhood dream come true! Click Here for all the free tooth rot you can handle. The only catch seems to be that they make you look at an advert to claim the free sweets but I just shut my eyes for those bits.
The second is footage of an impromptu rave in a kebab shop.
See you later!
Today I'd like to share two happy things with you all.
The first is a website that gives away free sweets. It's like a childhood dream come true! Click Here for all the free tooth rot you can handle. The only catch seems to be that they make you look at an advert to claim the free sweets but I just shut my eyes for those bits.
The second is footage of an impromptu rave in a kebab shop.
See you later!
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