I'm back at work after a bout of 'nerves' and already the things that sent me over the edge in the first place are irritating me beyond belief.
There is a woman in our office who annoys me to the point that I feel physical pain every time she opens her mouth and she has a vast arse of the exact size and shape of a horse's rear end. We all call her 'Red Rum' behind her back, though if I get to the end of the week without saying it to her face I'll be amazed. The arse I could live with, I find it quite amusing as it waddles past. It's the voice I can't bear. Honestly it would be less agonising if she pelted my head with bricks.
I did think I was alone in being so vexed by her but I'm not. Today I came across a colleague sobbing because she couldn't take any more of Red Rum's chat. A grown woman sobbing! That's how horrifying Red Rum's voice is.
For some unaccountable reason the management think she is wonderful. Perhaps because she's joined their 'let's see who can do the most unpaid overtime contest'. I cannot convey how much these people make me feel sick. You want to hear them vying to see who can stay on later for NO EXTRA MONEY. This is in addition to their 8am starts also FOR NO EXTRA MONEY.
If I found out they'd taken to living in the office I wouldn't bat an eyelid.
As if all that's not bad enough Red Rum's bloody children phone at least six times a day. I suppose I should really refer to them as her foals or her disgusting, rude, ill-brought up, cretinous offspring for the sake of accuracy. Any normal child would be on it's best behaviour on the phone to it's mothers work. I've got experience of mothers they go mad at the slightest whiff of a 'showing up'. Not Red Rum she claims to have brought them up to be assertive.
I've also had a trip out the office to a day long meeting about 'tackling racism'. I can offer no explanation for being invited to this gathering or what exactly it hoped to achieve. First up was a lady from an organisation which amongst other things 'challenges black stereotypes'. She then showed us a film of Africans playing bongo drums, black men rapping and some Africans dancing as evidence of her work in this area. No-one laughed.
At lunch time I was cornered by a women who claimed that the Muslim community in Govanhill hold her in the highest regard. I think they might just be being polite, unless of course they admire her ability to talk endlessly about how great she is.
The rest is a bit of a blur. To be honest it feels like I dreamt it, such was it's surreal quality. The only other incident that sticks in my mind was some fat woman writing 'NEVER ASSUME IT JUST MAKES AN ASS OUT ME AND U' on a large piece of paper (A3 I think). It was extraordinary one minute she was behaving perfectly normally the next she was parading about with this placard and being applauded by the gathering.
There are times when I feel like the victim of one never ending practical joke.