I am not making this up


I was looking for something cheery to end the year on and found this. For reasons which are a total mystery to me a woman by the name of Sharon Tendler has married a dolphin. She claims that their relationship is non sexual, which I'm sure is a relief for Cindy the (male) dolphin, who no one could blame for being somewhat confused. I'm quite partial to our animal friends myself, however not once, even for a laugh have I considered marrying one. I cannot see the point. Then again I cannot see the point voluntarily appearing on TV to have Gillian McKeith poke about one's bowel movements or turning up for TV talent contests when one has no discernible talent for anything. In short I cannot see the point of making an utter clown of oneself in front of the world's media.

Have a great New Year and all the best for 2006


We Are Governed By Amoral Scumbags


There I was quietly over indulging my way through the festive season when my sense of calm was shattered. Tony and pals are at it again, in other words they are behaving like the slimy, amoral, dishonest sleazy bunch of scumbags they are. Still I'm quite lucky really. I could have been raped with a broken bottle in both my vagina and anus. Or tortured to death with boiling water, but I haven't been because I'm lucky enough to live in a country where the government are opposed to the use of torture. Well, to be more accurate a country where the government don't go about torturing random members of the public but don't mind other countries like say, Uzbekistan doing so.

Not only are they happy for their Uzbek pals, who as far as I can make out appear to be a
bunch of certifiable, sadistic perverts, to torture people they're quite happy to make use of the information gained during this torture.

Fortunately there are principled individuals like Craig Murray working in the civil service to bring this to the public's attention. Or to be more accurate there were, as unfortunately our freedom and democracy loving government tried to smear him then sacked him.

Apart from being an unacceptable violation of human rights, I cannot see the point of torture.
If anyone even looked like they were thinking about torturing me I'd say anything to make them stop.

Anyway, please don't let my rather hurried little rant be the extent of your knowledge of this issue. There are far better and more detailed accounts of this story elsewhere on the internet which I will link to below. I have also reproduced the letters the government does not want us
to see below and would request that anyone with a blog or a spare bit of web space does the same. Oh and please give your MP some grief over this.

Calling All Bloggers: These Documents need publishing


Recipe For Freedom- Chicken Yoghurt

Craig Murray

Lenin's Tomb

Moving Target

D-Notice Specials

Letter #1ConfidentialFM Tashkent (Ambassador Craig Murray)TO FCO, Cabinet Office, DFID, MODUK, OSCE Posts, Security Council Posts16 September 02SUBJECT: US/Uzbekistan: Promoting TerrorismSUMMARY US plays down human rights situation in Uzbekistan.A dangerous policy: increasing repression combined with poverty will promote Islamic terrorism. Support to Karimov regime a bankrupt and cynical policy.DETAILThe Economist of 7 September states: "Uzbekistan, in particular,has jailed many thousands of moderate Islamists, an excellent way of converting their families and friends to extremism." The Economist also spoke of "the growing despotism of Mr Karimov" and judged that "the past year has seen a further deterioration of an already grim human rights record". I agree.Between 7,000 and 10,000 political and religious prisoners are currently detained, many after trials before kangaroo courts with no representation. Terrible torture is commonplace: the EU is currently considering a demarche over the terrible case of two Muslims tortured to death in jail apparently with boiling water. Two leading dissidents, Elena Urlaeva and Larissa Vdovna, were two weeks ago committed to a lunatic asylum, where they are being drugged, for demonstrating on human rights. Opposition political parties remain banned. There is no doubt that September 11 gave the pretext to crack down still harder on dissent under the guise of counter-terrorism.Yet on 8 September the US State Department certified that Uzbekistan was improving in both human rights and democracy, thus fulfilling a constitutional requirement and allowing the continuing disbursement of $140 million of US aid to Uzbekistan this year. Human Rights Watch immediately published a commendably sober and balanced rebuttal of the State Department claim.Again we are back in the area of the US accepting sham reform [a reference to my previous telegram on the economy]. In August media censorship was abolished, and theoretically there are independent media outlets, but in practice there is absolutely no criticism of President Karimov or the central government in any Uzbek media. State Department call this self-censorship: I am not sure that is a fair way to describe an unwillingness to experience the brutal methods of the security services.Similarly, following US pressure when Karimov visited Washington, a human rights NGO has been permitted to register. This is an advance, but they have little impact given that no media are prepared to cover any of their activities or carry any of their statements.The final improvement State quote is that in one case of murder of a prisoner the police involved have been prosecuted. That is an improvement, but again related to the Karimov visit and does not appear to presage a general change of policy. On the latest cases of torture deaths the Uzbeks have given the OSCE an incredible explanation, given the nature of the injuries, that the victims died in a fight between prisoners.But allowing a single NGO, a token prosecution of police officers and a fake press freedom cannot possibly outweigh the huge scale of detentions, the torture and the secret executions. President Karimov has admitted to 100 executions a year but human rights groups believe there are more. Added to this, all opposition parties remain banned (the President got a 98% vote) and the Internet is strictly controlled. All Internet providers must go through a single government server and access is barred to many sites including all dissident and opposition sites and much international media (including, ironically, waronterrorism.com). This is in essence still a totalitarian state: there is far less freedom than still prevails, for example, in Mugabe's Zimbabwe. A Movement for Democratic Change or any judicial independence would be impossible here.Karimov is a dictator who is committed to neither political nor economic reform. The purpose of his regime is not the development of his country but the diversion of economic rent to his oligarchic supporters through government controls. As a senior Uzbek academic told me privately, there is more repression here now than in Brezhnev's time. The US are trying to prop up Karimov economically and to justify this support they need to claim that a process of economic and political reform is underway. That they do so claim is either cynicism or self-delusion.This policy is doomed to failure. Karimov is driving this resource-rich country towards economic ruin like an Abacha. And the policy of increasing repression aimed indiscriminately at pious Muslims, combined with a deepening poverty, is the most certain way to ensure continuing support for the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan. They have certainly been decimated and disorganised in Afghanistan, and Karimov's repression may keep the lid on for years – but pressure is building and could ultimately explode.I quite understand the interest of the US in strategic airbases and why they back Karimov, but I believe US policy is misconceived. In the short term it may help fight terrorism but in the medium term it will promote it, as the Economist points out. And it can never be right to lower our standards on human rights. There is a complex situation in Central Asia and it is wrong to look at it only through a prism picked up on September 12. Worst of all is what appears to be the philosophy underlying the current US view of Uzbekistan: that September 11 divided the World into two camps in the "War against Terrorism" and that Karimov is on "our" side.If Karimov is on "our" side, then this war cannot be simply between the forces of good and evil. It must be about more complex things, like securing the long-term US military presence in Uzbekistan. I silently wept at the 11 September commemoration here. The right words on New York have all been said. But last week was also another anniversary – the US-led overthrow of Salvador Allende in Chile. The subsequent dictatorship killed, dare I say it, rather more people than died on September 11. Should we not remember then also, and learn from that too? I fear that we are heading down the same path of US-sponsored dictatorship here. It is ironic that the beneficiary is perhaps the most unreformed of the World's old communist leaders.We need to think much more deeply about Central Asia. It is easy to place Uzbekistan in the "too difficult" tray and let the US run with it, but I think they are running in the wrong direction. We should tell them of the dangers we see. Our policy is theoretically one of engagement, but in practice this has not meant much. Engagement makes sense, but it must mean grappling with the problems, not mute collaboration. We need to start actively to state a distinctive position on democracy and human rights, and press for a realistic view to be taken in the IMF. We should continue to resist pressures to start a bilateral DFID programme, unless channelled non-governmentally, and not restore ECGD cover despite the constant lobbying. We should not invite Karimov to the UK. We should step up our public diplomacy effort, stressing democratic values, including more resources from the British Council. We should increase support to human rights activists, and strive for contact with non-official Islamic groups.Above all we need to care about the 22 million Uzbek people, suffering from poverty and lack of freedom. They are not just pawns in the new Great Game.MURRAY---------------------------------------Letter #2ConfidentialFm Tashkent (Ambassador Craig Murray)To FCO18 March 2003SUBJECT: US FOREIGN POLICYSUMMARY1.As seen from Tashkent, US policy is not much focussed on democracy or freedom. It is about oil, gas and hegemony. In Uzbekistan the US pursues those ends through supporting a ruthless dictatorship. We must not close our eyes to uncomfortable truth.DETAIL2. Last year the US gave half a billion dollars in aid to Uzbekistan, about a quarter of it military aid. Bush and Powell repeatedly hail Karimov as a friend and ally. Yet this regime has at least seven thousand prisoners of conscience; it is a one party state without freedom of speech, without freedom of media, without freedom of movement, without freedom of assembly, without freedom of religion. It practices, systematically, the most hideous tortures on thousands. Most of the population live in conditions precisely analogous with medieval serfdom.3. Uzbekistan's geo-strategic position is crucial. It has half the population of the whole of Central Asia. It alone borders all the other states in a region which is important to future Western oil and gas supplies. It is the regional military power. That is why the US is here, and here to stay. Contractors at the US military bases are extending the design life of the buildings from ten to twenty five years.4. Democracy and human rights are, despite their protestations to the contrary, in practice a long way down the US agenda here. Aid this year will be slightly less, but there is no intention to introduce any meaningful conditionality. Nobody can believe this level of aid – more than US aid to all of West Africa – is related to comparative developmental need as opposed to political support for Karimov. While the US makes token and low-level references to human rights to appease domestic opinion, they view Karimov's vicious regime as a bastion against fundamentalism. He – and they – are in fact creating fundamentalism. When the US gives this much support to a regime that tortures people to death for having a beard or praying five times a day, is it any surprise that Muslims come to hate the West?5. I was stunned to hear that the US had pressured the EU to withdraw a motion on Human Rights in Uzbekistan which the EU was tabling at the UN Commission for Human Rights in Geneva. I was most unhappy to find that we are helping the US in what I can only call this cover-up. I am saddened when the US constantly quote fake improvements in human rights in Uzbekistan, such as the abolition of censorship and Internet freedom, which quite simply have not happened (I see these are quoted in the draft EBRD strategy for Uzbekistan, again I understand at American urging).6. From Tashkent it is difficult to agree that we and the US are activated by shared values. Here we have a brutal US sponsored dictatorship reminiscent of Central and South American policy under previous US Republican administrations. I watched George Bush talk today of Iraq and "dismantling the apparatus of terror… removing the torture chambers and the rape rooms". Yet when it comes to the Karimov regime, systematic torture and rape appear to be treated as peccadilloes, not to affect the relationship and to be downplayed in international fora. Double standards? Yes.7. I hope that once the present crisis is over we will make plain to the US, at senior level, our serious concern over their policy in Uzbekistan.MURRAY----------------------------------------[Transcript of facsimile sent 25 March 2003 from the Foreign Office]From: Michael Wood, Legal AdvisorDate: 13 March 2003CC: PS/PUS; Matthew Kidd, WLDLinda DuffieldUZBEKISTAN: INTELLIGENCE POSSIBLY OBTAINED UNDER TORTURE1.Your record of our meeting with HMA Tashkent recorded that Craig had said that his understanding was that it was also an offence under the UN Convention on Torture to receive or possess information under torture. I said that I did not believe that this was the case, but undertook to re-read the Convention.2. I have done so. There is nothing in the Convention to this effect. The nearest thing is article 15 which provides:"Each State Party shall ensure that any statement which is established to have been made as a result of torture shall not be invoked as evidence in any proceedings, except against a person accused of torture as evidence that the statement was made."3. This does not create any offence. I would expect that under UK law any statement established to have been made as a result of torture would not be admissible as evidence.[signed]M C WoodLegal Adviser---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Letter #3CONFIDENTIALFM TASHKENT (Ambassador Craig Murray)TO IMMEDIATE FCOTELNO 63OF 220939 JULY 04INFO IMMEDIATE DFID, ISLAMIC POSTS, MOD, OSCE POSTS UKDEL EBRD LONDON, UKMIS GENEVA, UKMIS MEW YORKSUBJECT: RECEIPT OF INTELLIGENCE OBTAINED UNDER TORTURESUMMARY1.We receive intelligence obtained under torture from the Uzbek intelligence services, via the US. We should stop. It is bad information anyway. Tortured dupes are forced to sign up to confessions showing what the Uzbek government wants the US and UK to believe, that they and we are fighting the same war against terror.2. I gather a recent London interdepartmental meeting considered the question and decided to continue to receive the material. This is morally, legally and practically wrong. It exposes as hypocritical our post Abu Ghraib pronouncements and fatally undermines our moral standing. It obviates my efforts to get the Uzbek government to stop torture they are fully aware our intelligence community laps up the results.3. We should cease all co-operation with the Uzbek Security Services they are beyond the pale. We indeed need to establish an SIS presence here, but not as in a friendly state.DETAIL4. In the period December 2002 to March 2003 I raised several times the issue of intelligence material from the Uzbek security services which was obtained under torture and passed to us via the CIA. I queried the legality, efficacy and morality of the practice.5. I was summoned to the UK for a meeting on 8 March 2003. Michael Wood gave his legal opinion that it was not illegal to obtain and to use intelligence acquired by torture. He said the only legal limitation on its use was that it could not be used in legal proceedings, under Article 15 of the UN Convention on Torture.6. On behalf of the intelligence services, Matthew Kydd said that they found some of the material very useful indeed with a direct bearing on the war on terror. Linda Duffield said that she had been asked to assure me that my qualms of conscience were respected and understood.7. Sir Michael Jay's circular of 26 May stated that there was a reporting obligation on us to report torture by allies (and I have been instructed to refer to Uzbekistan as such in the context of the war on terror). You, Sir, have made a number of striking, and I believe heartfelt, condemnations of torture in the last few weeks. I had in the light of this decided to return to this question and to highlight an apparent contradiction in our policy. I had intimated as much to the Head of Eastern Department.8. I was therefore somewhat surprised to hear that without informing me of the meeting, or since informing me of the result of the meeting, a meeting was convened in the FCO at the level of Heads of Department and above, precisely to consider the question of the receipt of Uzbek intelligence material obtained under torture. As the office knew, I was in London at the time and perfectly able to attend the meeting. I still have only gleaned that it happened.9. I understand that the meeting decided to continue to obtain the Uzbek torture material. I understand that the principal argument deployed was that the intelligence material disguises the precise source, ie it does not ordinarily reveal the name of the individual who is tortured. Indeed this is true – the material is marked with a euphemism such as "From detainee debriefing." The argument runs that if the individual is not named, we cannot prove that he was tortured.10. I will not attempt to hide my utter contempt for such casuistry, nor my shame that I work in and organisation where colleagues would resort to it to justify torture. I have dealt with hundreds of individual cases of political or religious prisoners in Uzbekistan, and I have met with very few where torture, as defined in the UN convention, was not employed. When my then DHM raised the question with the CIA head of station 15 months ago, he readily acknowledged torture was deployed in obtaining intelligence. I do not think there is any doubt as to the fact11. The torture record of the Uzbek security services could hardly be more widely known. Plainly there are, at the very least, reasonable grounds for believing the material is obtained under torture. There is helpful guidance at Article 3 of the UN Convention;"The competent authorities shall take into account all relevant considerations including, where applicable, the existence in the state concerned of a consistent pattern of gross, flagrant or mass violations of human rights."While this article forbids extradition or deportation to Uzbekistan, it is the right test for the present question also.12. On the usefulness of the material obtained, this is irrelevant. Article 2 of the Convention, to which we are a party, could not be plainer:"No exceptional circumstances whatsoever, whether a state of war or a threat of war, internal political instability or any other public emergency, may be invoked as a justification of torture."13. Nonetheless, I repeat that this material is useless – we are selling our souls for dross. It is in fact positively harmful. It is designed to give the message the Uzbeks want the West to hear. It exaggerates the role, size, organisation and activity of the IMU and its links with Al Qaida. The aim is to convince the West that the Uzbeks are a vital cog against a common foe, that they should keep the assistance, especially military assistance, coming, and that they should mute the international criticism on human rights and economic reform.14. I was taken aback when Matthew Kydd said this stuff was valuable. Sixteen months ago it was difficult to argue with SIS in the area of intelligence assessment. But post Butler we know, not only that they can get it wrong on even the most vital and high profile issues, but that they have a particular yen for highly coloured material which exaggerates the threat. That is precisely what the Uzbeks give them. Furthermore MI6 have no operative within a thousand miles of me and certainly no expertise that can come close to my own in making this assessment. 15. At the Khuderbegainov trial I met an old man from Andizhan. Two of his children had been tortured in front of him until he signed a confession on the family's links with Bin Laden. Tears were streaming down his face. I have no doubt they had as much connection with Bin Laden as I do. This is the standard of the Uzbek intelligence services.16. I have been considering Michael Wood's legal view, which he kindly gave in writing. I cannot understand why Michael concentrated only on Article 15 of the Convention. This certainly bans the use of material obtained under torture as evidence in proceedings, but it does not state that this is the sole exclusion of the use of such material.17. The relevant article seems to me Article 4, which talks of complicity in torture. Knowingly to receive its results appears to be at least arguable as complicity. It does not appear that being in a different country to the actual torture would preclude complicity. I talked this over in a hypothetical sense with my old friend Prof Francois Hampson, I believe an acknowledged World authority on the Convention, who said that the complicity argument and the spirit of the Convention would be likely to be winning points. I should be grateful to hear Michael's views on this.18. It seems to me that there are degrees of complicity and guilt, but being at one or two removes does not make us blameless. There are other factors. Plainly it was a breach of Article 3 of the Convention for the coalition to deport detainees back here from Baghram, but it has been done. That seems plainly complicit.19. This is a difficult and dangerous part of the World. Dire and increasing poverty and harsh repression are undoubtedly turning young people here towards radical Islam. The Uzbek government are thus creating this threat, and perceived US support for Karimov strengthens anti-Western feeling. SIS ought to establish a presence here, but not as partners of the Uzbek Security Services, whose sheer brutality puts them beyond the pale.MURRAY


Is David Duff Taking Over The Internet?


As I mentioned yesterday I have added lots of exciting new links to my sidebar for you to marvel at. However I have noticed something very odd on my travels, this David Duff fellow seems to be everywhere. I don't mind or anything, frankly if it prevents him actually reading the Daily Mail he buys but only glances at for Mrs Duff or the 'little memsahib' as he calls her, it can only be a good thing.

More worrying still, there is a fake David Duff, doing the rounds, maybe more than one. The whole thing is vaguely sinister. The real David Duff or someone purporting to be the real David Duff seems to make lots of bloggers very angry, very angry indeed.

Maybe, there is no such thing as David Duff. Maybe there's a team behind the 'Duff Phenomenon'. I'm a bit new to all this Duff business as I'm sure you can tell, so I'd be grateful if anyone could enlighten me on the following questions. Does he actually mean all that micks, pakis and wogs stuff or is it a big daft ironic laugh? Has anyone ever seen this Duff fellow in real life? Are there a team of shadowy figures behind David Duff? What in the name of God is going on?

I merely require information.



Bits and Bobs


Very little to report today. It's been great I've done virtually nothing all day. I also note there's been very little in the news, though I'm sad to see there has been snow in England! Whilst I every have every sympathy with our English friends at this terrible time, it's not a subject one can really get one's teeth into. All I can say is, snow in England- I am opposed to it.

I've written a post about Satan and football over at the mischief, if you're interested.

You might also have noticed I've added lots of new links to my side bar, there are some fine blogs there and if you're at a loose end you could do worse than pay some of them a wee visit. If you want a good place to start, try reading this very funny post by good, old Mr Hutton.



Overdoing it.


I'm as weak as a kitten. I think I might have overdone the festivities a bit. I have drunk beer, champagne, red wine and white wine. I have scoffed nut roast, potatoes, chocolate, cake, peanuts, crisps, cheese and bread. I have trebled in size.

24 hours later I'm still a bit fragile. I can't do anything. I'm trying to knit a scarf but I can't seem to summon up the energy. One of my many resolutions for the next twelve months is to master knitting. I nipped out to the shops today and bought a couple of copies of that fine publication, The Idler and some other bits and bobs. Since then I've been napping and watching the television.

If you haven't already done so, follow the link in yesterday's post and have a hoot at Arnie, you will not be disappointed. Failing that go here and vote for blog of the week.



Good God, Look At Arnie


For the love of God, look at this. If you don't have broadband, it takes about a year to download, but by Christ it's worth it. Witness Arnie go mad and grope women, hoot at the obvious discomfort of the poor woman he's talking to, be amazed as he gets a woman to suck a carrot.
The man is fucking nuts. On the evidence of this video and the photo at the top of this post, he should be on some sort of register for perverts.


UPDATE: It gets worse.


Christmas Shopping


I am so fucking angry, I have locked myself indoors to prevent me slaughtering someone. Due to being forced by my family to celebrate Christmas, despite not being a Christian, I had to take to the shops today. Dear God, what a trial that was! In order to restore my sanity, I have a number of short public announcements to make.

1. To the woman out shopping with 'Ann'. You are a stupid woman with a whiny voice. For the sake of society you should have your vocal cords removed and be forced to rely on a small bell in order to communicate. Quite why you chose to follow me round the Marks and Spencer food hall whining 'Ann, do you want a wee bit of braised beef?' and 'Look Ann- wine' I don't know. How I longed to raise my basket to the heavens and bring it down on your head with great force, you hateful, bovine cunt.

2. To the singing woman. I like Goldfrapp, so I was quite pleased when one of their songs came on in Debenhams and understandably very distressed to hear what sounded like a musical saw whining over the top of it. Madam, Alison Goldfrapp is a very sexy woman when I hear her songs I want to think of her not you. You are a hulking great water buffalo of a woman. You are not and never will be sexy. You are the sort of women men deny sleeping with. You are a denim clad she-bore and I hate you.

3. To all the insecure women who can't shop for clothes without a man present. I fucking hate the lot of you cunts. Your fake tan fools no-one. Does it never occur to you that I might want to purchase a fucking bra without your hen pecked shell of a man gawping at me? Does it never occur to you that 'Chris', 'Aidan' or 'Billy' couldn't give a flying fuck what you wear? Good God, they're men! To them you are a mother substitute they can fuck, not a sodding Barbie doll for them to play dress up with. Get a fucking grip ladies.



Could Lesbians Scrounge Off The Memory Of Diana?


No time to do a proper post tonight. Here's a little thing to amuse you.

Daily Mail Headline Generator



Philomena Lobo


I was handed a copy of 'The Glaswegian' as I passed by Queen St station today. I am truly heartbroken. Philomena Lobo is to be deported. This is an injustice. As far as I am concerned anyone who is able to be witty and funny in their second language should be allowed to stay. She is the most over qualified woman I have ever met. She has a degree, she has trades. In short she is an asset to Scotland.

Keep Phil.



Married Women Are Cunts


If you were reading last night, you will be aware that I am a victim of a payroll catastrophe. I have managed to make a packet of 10 fags I bought on Monday last until now, I have walked to and from work passing through some of Glasgow's crime black spots unscathed. Today I ate dry toast for lunch and Heinz lentil soup for dinner. I have blisters on my feet, I am fucking tense and I have been forced to drink tap water- yuck.

So you will appreciate how fucking furious I was when the boss popped in to offer her apologies for the payroll disaster and one of my colleagues said 'Oh there's no hurry, I never spend my wages, I just live off my husband's money'. I could have killed her. I should have killed her. Instead I explained, surprisingly calmly that my wages were my only source of income and as such I'd rather like to be paid. Not so that I can buy anything fancy, like Beatrix Potter figurines but stuff like fags, wine, food the odd fucking bus ticket. Jesus Christ I have a letter in my handbag I can't afford to post and I am expected to listen to that suburban whore cum housekeeper brag about her 2nd income. I am furious.

The real test comes tomorrow. A whole day without fags for only the second time in fifteen years. I never want to feel the way I did before I started smoking. It was awful, the terrible nerves and never knowing where to put your hands. I love the gaspers. Perhaps my colleague's husband will buy me twenty to keep me going.



Random Mutterings


The news is driving me bonkers. Why do people have to over complicate everything? Civil Partnerships are not fucking compulsory! Good God! It's perfectly simple. If you don't approve don't get involved in one. No-one is going to kidnap you in the night and force you to became 'a gay', no matter how hard you pray. I don't mind people being homophobic as long as they don't do it in public or force it down my throat. Okay I confess I've been known to make the odd joke along the lines of 'hands to the ears, lads, it's a God botherer'. But really I'm very tolerant of these views, it's not their fault. They can't help being mental, I just don't think it should be shown on the news when children might be watching. Well it's not right is it?

Moving on from my soul destroying brush with current affairs, I was dismayed to note that the office pervert was totally unembarrassed by his antics at the works do. It's truly remarkable. Most other people would have resigned, but not our pervert. I have the distinct impression he doesn't remember anything, which I find really frightening.

Lastly I am embarrassingly skint. There was a huge disaster in payroll which means payday is deferred until Thursday. I would cry, if only I could afford it. The cheque and pawn beckons. Oh God the shame!



The Office Pervert Is A Mud Fan.


I really must apologise for the lack of posts this week but my life has not been my own. There are a surprising number of people who seem to think that no Christmas gathering is complete without me sitting in a corner watching the clock.

The works night out was the unexpected highlight of the week. I have been dreading it for months, but I've not laughed so hard in ages. There is nothing I like better than a good gloat. The thought that I will one day chance upon my enemies begging on a corner, dead or watching their uninsured house go up in flames is what keeps me going. So you will all understand my utter joy at like seeing someone I don't like make an arse of themselves. The spring is well and truly back in my step. When someone makes a total arse of themselves to Tiger Feet by Mud it goes beyond amusing. I don't think I shall ever laugh again, I think my laugh has given up through overwork.

Long term readers will be aware of my hatred of the office pervert. I thought he was just an as yet undetected sex offender but no, he does tricks. As is normal at these things there was a fairly cheesy disco and all was going well. Middle aged women in glittery jumpers were bobbing about the dance floor, the youngsters were dancing ironically to some of the worst music ever committed to vinyl. Then the DJ put on Tiger Feet. Well I've never seen anything like it in my fucking life. The office pervert took a running jump into the centre of the dance floor, he tried to run up a wall, he tried to slide across the floor on his knees and had to use his hands to push himself along.

Anyone who thinks women are the weaker sex has never witnessed anything like the ruthless efficiency of the assembled women in encouraging this prick to make an even bigger clown of himself. They quickly surrounded him a circle, they clapped, they cheered, they danced towards him, retreating in helpless laughter and best of all they let out a collective 'woooo' every time he attempted a more daring move. It was easily as funny as 'the dance' in The Office, if not funnier. It's very hard to describe but imagine a combination of an epileptic fit, Shakin Stevens and a disturbed five year old on speed.

His boggled eyed excitement at the opening bars of Tiger Feet was the oddest thing I've ever witnessed. It was as if he'd never heard music before. His excitement was such that he appeared to be dancing three times as fast as the music. After his remarkable display of mental illness, which had by the end drawn a large crowd, he went into a very bad mood. A very bad mood indeed, storming off into the night, not to be seen again. Well until Monday. I cannot wait to go to my work tomorrow.



I was feeling a bit better until I went back to work.


As you are aware I was recently laid low with a mystery illness. I don't know if I'm alone in this but I always seem to have really peculiar dreams when I'm ill. Here are yesterdays highlights.

1. I come home from work to find he who must not be mentioned on this blog shagging Ruby from Eastenders and claiming he'd 'won' her in an FHM competition. The pair of them were totally unembarrassed by this startling incident and I ended up apologising.

2. I find a small boy with his finger stuck in a Dalmatian's ear. The Dalmatian managed to struggle free, turned red and ran about snapping at things.

3. I am on the phone explaining to someone that I can't leave my house because the tides in. I look out the window only to discover that my home is being menaced by a giant squid.

I don't know what any of the above might mean and would be delighted if anyone could explain.

I returned to work, only for tragedy to strike. In my absence my new nemesis has been elected as a volunteer representative and will now sit on the management committee. I could cry. If I have to hear that toss say 'I've got a degree' once more I will kill someone.



Wanking All Over The World


A few posts ago I expressed surprise at the existence of men's wanking groups. Since then, my statistics tracker informs me that I appear to have lured a few prospective members to my blog. I can't help feeling they might have been disappointed. Anyway following the links in my stats tracker, I came across this. Group wanking is a worldwide phenomenon! Well amongst the chaps, for some strange and unaccountable reason there don't appear to be vast groups of women meeting up to masturbate.

I realise I'm a bit naive about these things. Many years ago I was being entertained by a gentleman and left the room for a moment only to come back to find him having a good old go at himself. I'm not sure what reaction he was expecting but it seemed clear that it wasn't for me to blush, say sorry and leave the room. In fairness I was only sixteen. That's enough of my back catalogue of sexual misery, I'm saving that for my 'adult' memoirs which I intend to entitle 'Never, Ever Burst Out Laughing At Premature Ejaculation', If you're not crying by the end of the first page, then really you have no soul.

I'm grateful to the group wankers, if only because the seem to have got rid of the dog perverts that were cluttering up my stats. However there is a serious side to all this and I hope lone and group wankers the world over will heed the following wise words, 'don't stick your penis into anything that it might get stuck in'.

In the event that anyone does get their penis stuck in something I'd be enternally grateful if you'd let me know, so that I can post it on my blog and give everyone a good laugh.


Clairwil Is Laid Low With A Mystery Illness


Very little to report today as I've been struck down with some sort of bug. I spent most of the day feeling very sorry for myself. I hate being ill. When you live alone it's awful but when you live with someone else you just wish they'd fuck off and let you be ill in peace. You can't win with illness.

Moving on I have a short announcement in response to a number of slightly disturbing occurrences in my internet life. I know a man, who I'm not allowed to mention on my blog but I think you should all know that he is more than capable of killing a man with his bare hands and will do so if I ask him.

That's all.



Madonna, What The Fuck?

Against all expectations Madonna has recorded a cracking new album. Obviously I'll never again feel the way I did when I first fell in love with her at my first sight of the 'Open Your Heart' video, but this new stuff is good. I just have one small criticism, the lyrics are extremely poor,
take this, for example

'I don't like cities/But I like New York/Other places make me feel like a dork/Los Angeles is for people who sleep/Paris and London Baby you can keep'

'If you don't like my attitude/Then you can F off'

Now the old Madonna, the Madonna I fell in love with would have said 'fuck', 'F' strikes entirely the wrong note. It's too genteel. My mother says 'F'. I used to report my brother for 'effing and jeffing' in the vain hope my parents would drown him and start liking me again. I had an excuse, I was nine, Madonna is far older than nine. Say 'fuck' woman, oh yes and less of the rhyming doggrell if you don't mind.

Lord knows she was never a poet, but really!



The Sublime and The Slime.


Apologies for the lack of posts but I've been most upset about wee Belle's untimely demise. Thank-you to everyone for your kind comments and e-mails. I've also been very busy re-drafting an article I've written for a mysterious and as yet unpublished magazine.

I watched the documentary about Mark Chapman on Channel Four. I love Mark Chapman, his thought processes are very similar to my own and he killed that awful idiot John Lennon. Wasn't John Lennon a cunt? A bully, a cripple baiter, an anti-semite and a queer basher. Why in the name of God is he regarded as some sort of secular saint? The world can never repay the enormous debt of gratitude it owes Mr Chapman for ridding it of that loathsome, mean spirited individual. Imagine no possessions! Ha! Imagine an entire floor of slaughtered animals made into fur coats to adorn the charmless Yoko, imagine two privately educated children, imagine limos, imagine all the drugs in the world, imagine calling the man who got you all those things a 'queer jew'. Imagine all this and know that the world is a better place without St Lennon.

On an entirely different subject, a few days ago I asked where all the good porn was. I think I might have the answer, the devastatingly sexy Mr Mike Tyson is pondering a career in adult movies. I virtually came writing that. I love Mike Tyson and his blend of ferocious physical strength and emotional vulnerability. A bullied child who became the heavyweight champion of the world and a lifelong pigeon fancier. He's like a dream. Mr Tyson is very lucky I lack the stalker gene. Mike Tyson, my God, those thighs.



Wee Belle R.I.P


I came home tonight to a horrific discovery- a dead body! Unfortunately it wasn't something deserving like a human being but my poor innocent guinea pig Belle. I am bereft. I have never lived alone before.

I've never had to dispose of a corpse before and I hope I shall never have to do it again. People always say dead people and animals look peaceful, well poor Belle didn't. I have never seen her look so surprised before.

Poor Belle- she was only five. The Webster's guinea pig in Coronation St is eight and still going strong.

I won't miss her habit of eating my clothes and soft furnishings, but I'll miss her cheerful squeak and funny little tricks.



Keeping You Up to Date.


I have gone into a pre work Sunday night slump and consequently have little to report.
However as I won't be posting tomorrow or Wednesday here is some pointless information to reward you for coming here.

1. I am considering moving to Bellgrove. Any advice, opinions?
2. I am considering visiting a psychic, can anyone recommend a good one?
3. Why is everything so difficult at this time of year?
4. Why wasn't I born into a well-connected family and expensively educated? I would have thrived in such an environment.

Here's some advice for you, go and read Muriel Gray instead.



Where Is All The Good Porn?


I got up this morning feeling unexpectedly frisky and decided to celebrate by having a swish round the internet for some pornography. What a bucket of cold water that turned out to be!
Where is all the good porn? I started off with such optimism too. 'Right let's see' I thought, I want something jaw dropping involving at least sixty people and got this.

Perhaps I'm being too general I thought so I typed in orgy and came across something containing the word squaddie. Well there are naked squaddies running about the news all the time these days, frankly it makes me feel quite jaded.

So I swished about a bit more, but couldn't find anything I liked. Amateur porn always sounds so promising but you just end up staring at some bird that looks like your mum's best friend covered in semen.

By this time I'd lost all interest in sex and discovered the rich source of comedy that is the adult personals. I will share some of my favourites with you.

Wank Fun
Advert #397214

Anyone fancy a wank sometime this week?i am also into phonesex.

It's brilliant isn't it! Imagine planning a wank, Oh to be so organised.

Any wanking groups about?
Advert #346452

str8 fit guy 41 cannot accom can travel seeks other guys for some fun times, hoping to find or start a wanking group watch some hot porn and have a good wank lets get together and see what happens, 100% gen.

Is this kind of thing normal amongst men? What in the name of God is the attraction in getting together in vast groups to masturbate? Have any of you ever been a member of such a group? Is there a membership fee? I'm also slightly suspicious of his claim that he's straight for reasons that should be obvious.



In The Horns Of a Dilemma


As long term readers are doubtless aware commuting is more difficult for me than other people. To give a brief explanation of my woes, the 40 and 41 buses to and from Easterhouse contain more than their fair share of sub human filth.

Anyway the anti- social element have now plumbed depths even I couldn't have predicted. They have discovered a new found enthusiasm for beheadings and shootings. I should stress that they themselves aren't carrying out beheadings on the bus. Yet. No, some particularly depraved scumbag has made full use of his internet mobile phone and downloaded footage of executions from Iraq to the evident delight of the lads. Their joy in witnessing these gruesome scenes is both nauseating, offensive and all the more sinister for bordering on sexual excitement. These people should not be using drugs.

Some people are a blight on humanity. Quite apart from leaving me shaken, distressed and angry by their behaviour they have left me pondering a dilemma. Should they be prosecuted? I have been pondering this all day, largely to stop me thinking about what the footage must have been like. Mercifully they kept the actual footage to themselves though their gleeful running commentary left no-one in any doubt as to what they were watching.

With regards to the question of them being prosecuted I haven't come to any definite conclusion and suspect that the answer to this will be something I arrive at by discussion and debate. So any comments are more than welcome.

Arguments which advance the idea that one has a right not to be offended are extremely dodgy. However if the lads had been watching footage of an actual rape or kiddie porn up the back of the bus they'd have been arrested or more likely lynched first. So surely restricting people's 'right' to view actual murder can reasonably curtailed. On the other hand footage of this sort could be regarded as news in which case it sets a very dangerous precedent to allow the the state to intervene and prevent people viewing it. I know we have D notices and suchlike in UK law and as I'm opposed to them I'd be loathe to see similar legislation on this type of thing.

There was a case a few months back where a young man was prosecuted for showing a female work colleague footage of a beheading and at the time I sneered and shared the ill man's sentiments that two months was a bit severe for behaving like an annoying prick, however having been within earshot of that degenerate scum this morning I'm starting to see why this woman pressed charges.

I also support the idea of free speech and situations like my awful experience today are a test of that. It would be unreasonable to prosecute anyone for an offensive conversation they had being overheard, even if they were shouting at each other throughout.

So you see I'm uncharacteristically undecided. Perhaps we should just get a team together kidnap the lads and dump them on the doorstep of Downing St. Let the government work out how to clear up it's own mess.



A New Nemesis.....


There I was in work today training a group of new volunteers when the impossible happened. I met someone I hate more than my irritating work colleague. I arrived at the training room to find two volunteers had arrived early. I started setting up the overhead projector and suddenly became conscious that one of them was starting at me with barely concealed contempt, he turned to the girl he was talking to and said 'sorry, I'm still listening, I'm just watching this farce'.

I ignored this and carried on with what I was doing. All through the training session he moaned, harrumphed and spoke to me with a sneer. However the best is yet to come. At the end of the training I handed out evaluation sheets. My nemesis filled his out and made a great show of handing it to me, the questionnaire is anonymous so he obviously wanted me know what his answers were. The answer to the question 'Can you think of anything that would improve this training session?' is a killer. He wrote the following 'yes, don't send Vicky Pollard to do the training next time, yeah, but,no,but,yeah,but,no,but,yeah' and so on.

I have no difficulty articulating myself, I bear no physical resemblance to Ms Pollard nor do I dress like her. What in the name of God is he on about? I can laugh at myself, I don't mind a well observed funny dig at my expense but his 'Vicky Pollard' remark is none of those things. I have no idea what provoked his evident hatred for me, I'd never met him before. The only similar incident I've ever encountered was when I caught a middle aged trainee moaning that he was expected to answer to a 'daft wee lassie'. That was easily dealt with as I explained what my credentials were and suggested he might want to volunteer elsewhere as most of the paid staff were either daft wee lassies or mad old bags.

My new nemesis has a totally unjustified superiority complex. I hate him. If I hadn't been so taken aback by his behaviour I would have simply said to him that he was only jealous because I've got a job, whereas he has spent the last eighteen months on the dole.