I am so fucking angry, I have locked myself indoors to prevent me slaughtering someone. Due to being forced by my family to celebrate Christmas, despite not being a Christian, I had to take to the shops today. Dear God, what a trial that was! In order to restore my sanity, I have a number of short public announcements to make.
1. To the woman out shopping with 'Ann'. You are a stupid woman with a whiny voice. For the sake of society you should have your vocal cords removed and be forced to rely on a small bell in order to communicate. Quite why you chose to follow me round the Marks and Spencer food hall whining 'Ann, do you want a wee bit of braised beef?' and 'Look Ann- wine' I don't know. How I longed to raise my basket to the heavens and bring it down on your head with great force, you hateful, bovine cunt.
2. To the singing woman. I like Goldfrapp, so I was quite pleased when one of their songs came on in Debenhams and understandably very distressed to hear what sounded like a musical saw whining over the top of it. Madam, Alison Goldfrapp is a very sexy woman when I hear her songs I want to think of her not you. You are a hulking great water buffalo of a woman. You are not and never will be sexy. You are the sort of women men deny sleeping with. You are a denim clad she-bore and I hate you.
3. To all the insecure women who can't shop for clothes without a man present. I fucking hate the lot of you cunts. Your fake tan fools no-one. Does it never occur to you that I might want to purchase a fucking bra without your hen pecked shell of a man gawping at me? Does it never occur to you that 'Chris', 'Aidan' or 'Billy' couldn't give a flying fuck what you wear? Good God, they're men! To them you are a mother substitute they can fuck, not a sodding Barbie doll for them to play dress up with. Get a fucking grip ladies.