Hello,
I am so fucking angry, I have locked myself indoors to prevent me slaughtering someone. Due to being forced by my family to celebrate Christmas, despite not being a Christian, I had to take to the shops today. Dear God, what a trial that was! In order to restore my sanity, I have a number of short public announcements to make.
1. To the woman out shopping with 'Ann'. You are a stupid woman with a whiny voice. For the sake of society you should have your vocal cords removed and be forced to rely on a small bell in order to communicate. Quite why you chose to follow me round the Marks and Spencer food hall whining 'Ann, do you want a wee bit of braised beef?' and 'Look Ann- wine' I don't know. How I longed to raise my basket to the heavens and bring it down on your head with great force, you hateful, bovine cunt.
2. To the singing woman. I like Goldfrapp, so I was quite pleased when one of their songs came on in Debenhams and understandably very distressed to hear what sounded like a musical saw whining over the top of it. Madam, Alison Goldfrapp is a very sexy woman when I hear her songs I want to think of her not you. You are a hulking great water buffalo of a woman. You are not and never will be sexy. You are the sort of women men deny sleeping with. You are a denim clad she-bore and I hate you.
3. To all the insecure women who can't shop for clothes without a man present. I fucking hate the lot of you cunts. Your fake tan fools no-one. Does it never occur to you that I might want to purchase a fucking bra without your hen pecked shell of a man gawping at me? Does it never occur to you that 'Chris', 'Aidan' or 'Billy' couldn't give a flying fuck what you wear? Good God, they're men! To them you are a mother substitute they can fuck, not a sodding Barbie doll for them to play dress up with. Get a fucking grip ladies.
Cheerio
3 comments:
Personally, I have holed myself up in my flat with provisions. I went to the supermarket the other day and was stalked by a pair of mannish, leather skinned, blond, pony-tailed, skeletal nedettes with poor dental hygeine who kept bellowing out the name of their never present (shared?) offspring who had one of those trendy scum names that sounds like a model of car or brand of thrush cream. I think it was Akron. Or maybe Charonda.
It's a fucking nightmare out there. Like you I have holed myself up, away from the crowds. Why is it that the really annoying people always follow you?
You can bet your boots the same scum will be back out on Boxing day dragged by their satanic offspring as they demand the money given to them by halfwitted relatives be spent on video games and shit DVD's instead of being put towards something usefull like courses in elocution, poise and being seen and not heard.
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