2/27/2006

Menaced By A Fairground Trickster......

Hello,

I'm being menaced by a fake Mystic Meg. It all started off innocently enough I was bored and did some free horoscope thing. Never do a free horoscope thing when you're bored.

Stuff like this is the end result;


"Dear Clairwil, read this!I’ve found it! I’ve seen it! Yes, I’ve finally found for you the «Remedy» you need!Yes, dear Clairwil, I’ve found "the Miracle Remedy", I know this is for you the end of all your problems!"


Oh God! A nutcase I thought and quietly ignored it, then I got this;

"Yes, Dear Clairwil,

BE CAUTIOUS,Be on a sharp lookout in the days coming ahead...Indeed I advice the
utmost caution because mysterious decisive events are about to occur in your life...I
must warn you immediately, while there is still time...."


Bloody marvelous, now I've an astrologer trying to kill me, I thought. Then it got worse.

"This is why, without waiting for your permission, I have attempted to find out more and therefore I performed for you, Clairwil a string of Mystical Beneficial Occult Aid Ceremonials. I must take very substantial risks if I am to continue. But I am willing to accept them because I want to save you from the traps you could fall into if you do nothing about the decisive mysterious events shaping up ahead of you."

Without waiting for my permission- what effrontery! She then blathers on about these dangerous rituals that I never bloody asked her to perform. Honestly she's worse than
my bloody mother with all that 'I gave birth to you' business. I take a no nonsense approach to it. I just say 'mother if you wish to apportion blame that's the fellow' and gesture in the direction of my father. Anyway it appears my family may be the cause of all my problems according to our stargazing chum.

"Indeed, since your 13th birthday your personality has changed. Today you are a different person than before that evil incident. Anxiety has taken the upper hand in your soul, once filled with energy and joy. Your passionate nature, your immense sensitivity have been impounding on your relationships with the others. Some people know your weak points
all too well, they often use them and sometimes abuse them"

I have no idea what she is on about now, but wait! The cyber-sybil has an explanation....

"I have perceived that this negative event occurred on the day of your 13th birthday. I don’t know whether you can recall it."

Ah yes the old repressed memory ruse. As if! I still bear grudges against people I went to nursery with. Anyway I shouldn't be too hard on her because the poor woman has taken the frankly terrifying risk of becoming trapped in my life.

"The danger with this kind of ceremonials, besides demanding intense concentration and a tremendous amount of energy, is that I may find myself stuck in your past or in your future and never be able to return to the present. This is the reason why this particular technique is used only on very rare occasions, and only when it is truly worth the cause. And it was essential that I performed this ceremonial for you as soon as possible."

Do you think it's possible she might be on drugs?

Anyway if I send her some money, wonderful things will happen;

"First of all, you will find that people you see every day, who haven’t been paying the slightest attention to you, will start looking at you differently...

- Then, you will notice better luck in anything you do. You will succeed in things
where you used to fail before. This is going to be the first sign that the course we
have taken is beginning to bear fruit.

- Just weeks afterwards, I would encourage you to buy a lottery ticket to
test your new LUCK. But don’t do anything within the first 15 days, because
it is then that I am going to perform something very special for you. I am going
to take action to help you settle your most serious financial problems."


There is, it would seem no such thing as a free horoscope.

Cheerio

2/26/2006

Pre Work Slump!



Hello,

I'm sat at home preparing to go back to work after a very pleasant couple of days off. As I've mentioned before I'm sick of work, what I really need to do is get back to the happy days when I was self-employed. My problem is I can't decide what line of business to get into. I had a go at e-baying a while back but didn't manage to make a profit. I had some minor success selling books on Amazon for a while but that dried up. So I'd love to hear any reasonable suggestions you might have.

Some of you may have noticed that I briefly barred anonymous comments following all that unfortunate business on Thursday's post. I've allowed them again for the simple reason that I am not prepared to have my behaviour dictated to by dirty little creeps who are too cowardly to put their name to their semi literate ramblings. I did notice something on my stats tracker about our anonymous chum/some guy/some bloke and being a bit immature I found it very amusing, very amusing indeed. Readers, all of the anonymous/guy/bloke comments were made within mere moments of some weirdo arriving here in search of 'wanking groups ' and 'how to fuck the babysitter'. At least I now understand why they chose to remain anonymous. Say what you like about the 'dog fuckers' who were arriving in their droves a few months back but at least they had manners. The internet is a funny old place, never in my wildest dreams did imagine I would be called immature by someone who indulges in that most adolescent of activities- the group wank. I'm a bit confused about the baby sitter one though. Are special arrangements required to give the babysitter a seeing to? I merely require information.

Very little else to report I'm afraid other than to let you know that their are three fine blogs up for Blog Of The Week at The Mischief.

Cheerio

2/24/2006

Gyp News

Hello,

The illman and I are going to Edinburgh today. Join us.

2/23/2006

I Hate Housing Officers


Hello,

I'm off work today, however I'm being driven mad by endlessly going over a client interview that took place earlier in the week. A very distressed woman appeared in my office with a problem she or rather her son was having with the jobsworths in the local housing office. Her son who suffers from mental health problems and is prone to violent behaviour had taken up pigeon fancying and built himself a doocot on a piece of waste ground. This had the happy effect of keeping him out of trouble and had significantly improved his behaviour.

However as is often the case when someone is enjoying themselves in a perfectly harmless fashion, some mean spirited petty little jobsworth has to stick their nose in. Apparently the land belongs to the local housing association. The land is currently used as a dumping ground for dog shit, old furniture and burnt out cars, not that you'd know that from talking to the housing who advise that the doocot is 'an eyesore' and 'unhygienic'. They have ordered the boy to take the doocot down because they might be building on the land. They haven't decided what or when they intend to build. They probably also know that their organisation recently announced it had no plans to build new housing in the foreseeable future. In other words there was no real reason the doocot had to be taken down. It's clear some malicious little prick has decided to bully a family who are what we termed 'a bit simple' in less p.c times, simply because he can.

What happened next was inevitable. The boy went round to the housing office and attacked the housing officer responsible for this outrage and will now have a criminal record to add to his worries. I'd love to report he did the little jobsworth serious damage, but he didn't. These creeps sit in their office goading people and hiding behind panic buttons and screens when faced with the consequences of their actions. These are the same creeps who seldom lift a finger to help tenants driven to distraction by anti-social neighbours. I have to say when I phoned the housing officer in question, I formed the view that his very existence is enough to provoke violent urges. What a pompous little prick he is!

It's the total lack of imagination of people in authority that depresses me. Why couldn't they have just turned a blind eye? The boy was happy, no doubt the neighbours were happy that he wasn't hanging about annoying them and some pigeons had a nice warm hut to live in. What in the name of God was the problem? To cap it all the family are now being threatened with eviction as a result of the entirely justified assault against the housing officer. I'm not saying someone should lock every last housing officer in their offices and burn the lot of them to a crisp, I'm just saying it would be no great loss if someone did.

Cheerio

2/22/2006

Technology News










Hello,

Just now and then I like to take time out from worrying that western civilisation is going to hell in a handcart and ponder what lucky, old sausages we are instead.

Isn't technology marvellous. I'm not talking about all that boring man in the moon, dog in a rocket stuff. I mean exciting technology. I would like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to some astonishing advances in the world of sex dolls.

Look! Look! They're so real! There's even one that's the double of Tracey in my work. The price is a bit steep, mind £3715 each. For that money I'd want a bordello full of the rubber temptresses.

Nevertheless we are still lucky old sausages because as we know technology always starts off being expensive, then Tesco round up some child labour and before you know it, the clever little children are knocking stuff out at a fraction of the cost. Hurrah!


UPDATE- For the love of God read the testimonials. They are badly written enough to suggest they're genuine. They are also as tragic as you'd imagine.

2/19/2006

I-D Cards And Mind Boggling Home Office Incompetence.

Hello,

I see the introduction of I-D cards has already hit a few snags. Why is it that the words Government and new computer system always seem to be followed by total bloody catastrophe? There's a good short article in The Independent listing the snags so far. I'm sure these are only the tip of the iceberg.

For some reason I find myself reminded of a peculiar incident that took place in work this week. On Wednesday a very agitated Turkish family appeared in my surgery brandishing a large brown envelope containing three Turkish passports, one British passport, several British and Turkish birth certificates all apparently belonging to different people in no way connected to this family or each other. Sadly they weren't trying to corrupt me, these had been sent to them by the Home Office by unregistered post. On the plus side the Home Office did manage to include one Turkish I-D card belonging to the correct family. I'd love to say this incident was atypical, it isn't.

Off the top of my head I can think of a few uses these documents could be put to by someone dishonest. They could be used to make multiple benefit claims (see Szoma v Secretary of State), open a bank account, money laundering, falsely obtaining credit, fraud and so on. I'm sure a few of our terrorist chums could find far more alarming uses for them. I accept that administrative errors occur, however I'm appalled that at a time when we are being told by the government we are in constant danger of terrorist attack, the same government is sending sensitive personal documentation out by unregistered post.

Over the last few years I have had one bank card, three cheques and, God knows why, several essays go missing in the post, so naturally I'm sceptical about the honesty and competence of Royal Mail staff. I am not alone. There have also been two documentaries shown by Channel Four exposing the level of theft in the post office. The performance of Royal Mail is monitored by Postwatch. It is inconceivable that the government are not aware of the risk they are taking sending these documents by unregistered post. Fortunately on this occasion the documents were delivered to decent, honest people, obviously there is no guarantee that this will happen in every case. I for one, would be very interested to know how many dodgy passports can be traced back to the post office.

I am at a loss as to how a government that believes I-D cards will help prevent terrorism can be so lax about security issues surrounding other forms of I-D. Still that's Tony and the lads for you, tough on crime, tough on the cause of crime.

Cheerio


P.S Have a read at this by Mr Hutton. I have been giggling ever since I first read it.

2/17/2006

Scottish News Special

Hello,

Normally the Scottish news is depressing affair, all the same news you've just had on the UK wide programme followed by the newsreader trying to keep a straight face as they inform us of the latest act of vandalism against the Donald Dewar statue or something about cholesterol.

However occasionally it throws up a wee gem. Behold the majesty of this tale.

As we are all aware Keane are shit. So shit that they don't make me even slightly angry. Of course I want to behead everyone involved in producing and marketing their records but Keane themselves are too dim to get worked up about. I remember reading once that many of the major record companies had invested heavily in the arms trade and thinking how awful, how like the man. The devious bastards taking money from the kids then using it to buy bombs. As I've got older and groups like Keane, Travis and Coldplay have become successful, I'm now starting to see arms dealing as the more respectable business. Perhaps the A&R man who signed Keane could get a transfer to WMD International and regain some fucking dignity. Though, as I've said I'd favour beheading. Anyway I've been distracted from my mission which is to tell you about Lawrence Lindsay of Clackmannanshire who ran amok at last years T in The Park festival after hearing a Keane song. Whilst I have every sympathy with the man I cannot help but feel the following might be something of an overreaction.

His reign of terror or his 'episode' as his family no doubt term it began when he tried to punch and kick people in the audience as Keane played. Actually on reflection it's probably no more than most of them deserved. Keane for Gods sake. Naturally the authorities were summoned and this is the best bit for me. He then tried to bite one of the police officers but as the fiscal pointed out 'He has no teeth so he wasn't really a great threat'.

No teeth at 36 years old. Goes to T in The Park and gets angry about shite music. Something tells me Lawrence is not one of the world deepest thinkers. The NME could really use someone like him just now.

Honestly if it were possible to dance to news I would be doing it.

Moving on to good old politics, let us all have a good old gloat over Labour's second by-election defeat this year. It's only February! Ha Ha Ha! I hate to sound wildly optimistic but could it be that the Scottish electorate are finally realising that decades of slavish devotion to Labour have got them precisely nowhere? Oh if only. I used to be very good friends with a slightly creepy admirer of Margaret Thatcher who assured me that if Labour were elected we would be going 'cap in hand to the IMF', have a three day week and be on strike on full pay every second day. Even as a naive teenager I was sceptical. It all sounded a bit Utopian to me. Imagine the UK lying about on it's arse all day and getting paid to do so by the IMF. Look what's happened instead stop smoking, stop eating, stop binge drinking, show us your I-D. I wish the government would just piss off, so hats off to the people of Milton for giving them one of the the boot.

Cheerio

2/15/2006

TV Listings And Parenting Tips

Hello,

Lord knows why but I was scanning the TV listings earlier today. TV is utter rubbish isn't it? I've been in denial about this for years but have come to realise I mainly just have it on for background noise when I can't be arsed with music. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the odd programme, nothing I'm going to reveal here though. My mother despairs of my viewing habits which she considers 'common'.

Sauntering back towards the point I was scanning the TV listings earlier and they have upset me greatly. Take for example 'Relocation Relocation' in which Kirsty and Phil help a couple, an 'artistic' couple mind you, look for a home one hours drive from London and I quote 'a funky place in Sweden'. I don't need to watch this programme to know that this couple will look like a couple of extras from the Doritos adverts. I don't need to watch to know that one or both of them will be wearing annoying designer glasses. I don't need to watch to know that I want to kill them. 'Artistic!' Ha I bet they work in advertising. 'A funky place' indeed! I hope they burst into flames. The smug cunts.

And the evenings viewing just gets better! Next up we have 'Brat Camp'. God how I loathe that programme. Who precisely is it aimed at? When I get home from a days work that last thing I want to be confronted with is whiny teenage girls. For heavens sake I hated whiny teenage girls when I was one, why on earth would I choose to look at them now? The whole programme is a fraud it never shows the baiting of these children by their stupid, witless parents. Lord knows my parents have provoked me to unparalleled heights of fury with their nonsensical statements. That is why I tell them nothing. They have consistently demonstrated that they cannot be trusted with any detailed information about me. If only the children on 'Brat Camp' would do likewise. Is there really any need to tell your mother you 'use drugs and fuck the babysitter cos your like seventeen yeah and she's just like a bitch, yeah'. No there is not. All mother needs to hear is 'sex-me, no never' and 'I would never take drugs' then she can sod off to bingo, happy and her teenage daughter can get on with fellating spotty boys or whatever it is they get up to. I'm going to open my very own Brat Camp and I will guarantee you model children. They'll be efficient liars mind but no-one's perfect.


It's like that other programme 'Supernanny' where whole families sit in terrified silence watching a three year old chew the carpet. I sit there blood pressure rising thinking 'for Christs sake, it's only a three year old, hit it with a spoon'. It's not like any of the children in these programmes have any type of illness or disorder, which would be an entirely different kettle of fish. They are perfectly healthy children who have been outrageously spoilt by halfwits who then cannot cope with the monster they've created and set about provoking it by giving it orders.

Most children are tedious beyond all belief. It's bad enough that my work colleagues have a mania for boring me with tales of their children's antics 'he's a lot better, he did a poo today' being the most recent example of this drivel. However I'm sick to the point of homicide of the little fuckers cluttering up the TV schedules, if they're not acting astonishingly badly in soap operas, they're smearing shit on the walls in a documentary. They should be neither seen nor heard and that is my final word.


Cheerio

2/14/2006

Obscenity



Hello,

I've had a look at my stats tracker and note that some of you have arrived here in search of the worlds biggest penis. Personally I'm rather disappointed that the worlds biggest penis is attached to a flabby Jimmy Carr lookalike, though I suppose I'd feel worse if it were attached to Jimmy Carr. Anyway in the interests of satisfying public demand here is a picture of the absurdly large thing.

Speaking of obscenity, has anyone else been watching Eastenders recently? I have been most distressed by the graphic scenes involving Big Pat and Patrick. Most distressed. For the first two episodes of this horror my brain was unable to process what was happening. It was similar to the feeling I had when my living room ceiling fell in a few months back, a mixture of bewilderment and fear.

Not since Frank turned up in nothing but a spinning bow tie on Pats doorstep have the bounds of decency been broken in such an appalling manner on British television. For those of you wise enough not to watch soap operas Big Pat and Patrick have been indulging in a series of steamy romps in the car lot portakabin, the most disturbing of which involved Pat naked under a coat, being presented with a vast outsize negligee. The whole thing had a car crash quality about it. It defies belief that something so 'specialist' can be broadcast prior to the watershed.

I thought focus groups were consulted about these things. Is there really public demand for more fat old people shagging on TV. Who on earth thought such a story line would be a good idea?

2/13/2006

Not One In Fifteen Whole Years



Hello,

As anyone who has had the misfortune to glance at a card shop recently will be aware tomorrow is Valentines Day. I was chatting about this with a colleague in work today who asked me if I was expecting to get anything. Oh how I laughed! It then occurred to me that I haven't received so much as a card for fifteen years. I should point out that I have been in a relationship for almost eight of those years. Is a fifteen year card drought some sort of record? Now I think of it I have never once received a Valentines gift. Surely that must be a record?

I should probably point out that I haven't sent any cards either. I made that mistake in 1987 and have been careful to avoid repeating the error. It was an awful experience. I somewhat foolishly sent a card via the school delivery service to a boy in another class. In what I now realise was a delusional episode I thought he would at least have been flattered. He was not at all pleased to say the least. He was so upset he had to be sent home from school. Nothing in my short life prepared me for being considered so repulsive that receiving a Valentine card from me could provoke illness. It was the talk of first year for months. Utterly mortifying.

I need hardly say this is a very difficult time of year for me.

Cheerio

2/12/2006

I Want A Tiny House Now!





Look! Tiny houses. I want one!

This is an idea that's time has come.

2/09/2006

Actually You Do Have To Be Mad to Work Here.....



Hello

I went into the office today only to find my boss was in one her 'red' phases. To show us all how 'left wing' she is, she has decided to take the whole office out to see some left-wingers shouting on a stage or a 'great wee political play' as she put it. I should point out that the staff consist of two people who have never voted, one Tory, a couple of floating voters and me. I don't mind a play that makes a point but when it's at the expense of entertainment value I don't see the attraction in it. I have no great desire to be preached at.

For some reason one of the staff got very confused and called her husband to tell him 'the fuckin work are forcin us aw tae go tae The Vagina Monologues' and spent the next ten minutes ranting about 'gaun tae watch a load a shite aboot fannies', to the intense amusement of the other staff. We are not going to see 'The Vagina Monologues', it was never suggested. I did point out that we will be treated to the 'vagina monologue' after the play, when we go to the pub to allow our boss to hold court. God help us all. What is it about management that robs a human being of any sense of how boring they are?

I am desperately trying to think of somewhere else I need to be on that evening. Still it's nearly the end of the week which cheers me up immensely.


Cheerio

2/07/2006

Good Old Jordan


Hello,
I seem to recall being rather catty about Jordan a while back, though I'm buggered if I can find the post. Having read an interview with Jordan in this months Marie Claire I would rather like to buy her a pint and give her a hearty slap on the back.

It is increasingly rare to read a celebrity interview that isn't centered round one of these talent vacuums droning on about 'pressure' and the dreaded paparazzi. No such whining from our Jordan who claims that nothing bothers her.

'Sex sells......I've been doing 'Jordan' for ten years........It bought me my house and cars; it's secured me for life. I'm not going to throw all that away.'

'It's easy money.'

Compare and contrast this with the deranged bleatings of Jodie 'my pain' Marsh or the Beckhams parading their children around then complaining that Brooklyn will never be allowed to live a normal life.

Lord knows Jordan isn't the most talented or interesting person ever to appear in the public eye, but on the evidence of the Marie Claire interview she must surely be one of the most honest. Which I for one find very refreshing.

Cheerio

2/06/2006

See I Am Ill!

Hello,

Today I had a minor panic attack. I say minor because I managed to bring it under control by hiding in the bathroom and breathing very deeply for several minutes. It has given me a bit a fright as I've never had anything like this before in my life. I've taken it as a sign that I need a day off work and after much haggling have managed to arrange a few days at the end of the month, which I intend to spend lying in bed staring at the ceiling and ignoring the outside world. It has been suggested that I visit my GP but I can't say I've ever found them to be much help in the past. We shall see.

There's not much on the job front that's suitable for me at the moment and to that end I have decided to sign up for this and have a go at writing a book. I'm at a slight disadvantage because I've missed the start, the idea being that you start writing 1000 words a day from the 1st of February. The other problem I have is that I haven't a clue what to write about. I've had a half formed idea knocking about for the last few years relating to an insane couple I used to know who clearly hated each other but were somehow compelled to stay together. Then again, they were such bizarre people I don't know how believable a story about them would be. Nevertheless it should take my mind off work which continues to be a tortuous experience courtesy of the office bully.

If only I'd known today was National 'Sickie' Day.

Cheerio

2/05/2006

Mummy Why Are All The Grown Ups Shouting?

Hello,

Like Larry over at Tampon Teabag I too am bored rigid by the hoo hah about those bloody cartoons. For me it's a bit like the time Christians all went doolally about Jerry Springer the Opera. I don't understand it at all. If you believe in an afterlife in which you are rewarded for your good deeds and punished for your sins, then why get worked up about other people's blasphemy? If I were religious and someone insulted my religion I'd just sit back smugly and think of them roasting on the hob of hell. Let's face it, if an omnipotent being like God actually exists, he's hardly likely to need us to fight his battles.

If I were God, which obviously I'm not, though I do have the same initials as his son, I'd love it when people insulted me because then I could lie about stroking my beard and plotting revenge. Mind you I spend a lot of my time doing that already it's just that I lack the means to put my more grandiose schemes into action. It would be great being God, though I fear I'd just use my powers to create mischief, like persuading George Bush to appear on TV in drag or telling David Icke he's my son. Yes I know the David Icke one has been done before but it was such fun the first time, I think it could stand a second airing.

Right I'm off to catch up on the papers. If you're bored and fancy reading about my day out yesterday click here.


Cheerio

2/03/2006

Nick Griffin Shops At High And Mighty.

Hello,

I see tubby leader of the master race Nick Griffin waddled out of court a free man today. Personally I didn't think he should have been charged in the first place. Had the prosecution been successful he'd have come out of jail a martyr. As it turns out he's now parading about banging on about a victory for free speech and as he sees it 'the truth'.

Still I've been most irritated by that four chinned fascist's smug gob grinning out the news all evening. So much so that I intend to take action. I'm going to find out where the 'Poundland Hitler' lives and fellate a Pakistani on his front lawn. That'll wipe the smile off his fat fucking face.


Cheerio