Recreational Marriage Wrecking.......

Hello,

It occurs to me I haven't booted anyone into the air for a while. Imagine my delight as I came across Liz Jones. I realise I'm age behind 'media phenomenon' Liz Jones but good God, what is that woman on? For those of you who don't know she writes a column in the Mail On Sunday which is more or less about how awful her husband is. Unfortunately for her she's one of those pathetic can't cope without a man types so she's stuck with him. He being a reasonably intelligent young man has naturally realised that he can behave as badly as he likes because she's terrified he'll leave her.

The woman is a certifiable, over privileged nit and unsurprisingly has a band of equally mental followers who regularly accost her poor husband and berate him for his bad behaviour. I'd love to get her by the throat or throw her into a river or worse. She is an unhinged loon. Her scary readers (the sort of women who say I'm going to be bad before eating a bit of chocolate) have been told that her husband does nothing all day but play with her cats, er except he's just published a book. She also has a bee in her bonnet about his failure to shower her with gifts. What the fuck does she need gifts for? She's minted, she already has everything, well except tits which she had removed at 29 so that she would look better in clothes. Like I said she is a nutcase.

I blame the success of Bridget Jones for this rubbish. I cannot summon up any sympathy whatsoever for someone who is relatively wealthy opting for such a miserable existence then writing a self pitying column to describe it all in frankly embarrassing detail. As my mother would say what she needs is something real to worry her. To that end I would like to take this opportunity to invite you all to sign a petition demanding that her husband divorces her immediately.

Cheerio

A Rather Delicate Question....

Hello,

There is a heated debate on the Daily Mail website about the menace of birth control nurses in schools which is where I've plucked this glittering gem from....

'How about someone in every school - or home for that matter - to dispense lessons in morality. Recently two children appeared in court for having oral sex in a public park in full public view. I thought that only animals did that sort of thing. Is that the moral standard of our youngsters today?Perhaps also there should be a police officer in every school to enforce the law concerning sex with under-age children.'

I don't watch many nature documentaries so I'm not terribly well informed on animal sex, however I didn't know that our friends in the animal kingdom went in for oral sex. I'd always had them down as joyless procreation only creatures. Apart from dogs who are slavering sex offenders. Honestly if they're not after your leg, they're over in the corner worrying a cushion. Anyway I'd really appreciate it if anyone could enlighten me as to whether animals go in for oral fun. I feel certain I'm not alone in finding the suggestion that there should be someone in every home to dispense lessons in morality sinister. I only have one bedroom, where on earth would I put them? I only hope the anonymous commentator is not in a position of authority in the government. I can just here the cries of bovine women of a certain age 'well if you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear'.

I have to say schools nowadays sound bloody brilliant. We didn't get 'sex' lessons and free emergency contraceptives in my day. Instead we had to traipse all the way round to the GP's surgery which was a pain. It might also explain why I am so confused as to how babies are conceived. I always thought that if you used contraception properly you were likely to be OK. But no apparently it has something to do with benefits and the availability of council housing.

'The only way to prevent teenage girls becoming pregnant is to stop providing them with accommodation and endless benefits'

Like any force on earth could keep a frisky teen in check. I was a borderline rapist at that age! The rest of it just bangs on about how we should make unmarried teenage girls and their offspring homeless as a deterrent. No-one seems to have any ideas about how the fathers of these children should be punished. Personally I'd go down the route of making them pay maintenance. That seems to get them hopping mad! Though I doubt it would act as a deterrent. Men come into our work all the time demanding we get on to the CSA and explain on their behalf that the mother of their children is a bitch and that they don't see their children, so shouldn't have to pay for them. I must say I'd have more sympathy for them if they didn't preface their enquiry with a deranged rant about women being liars and bitches.

I remember my best friend leaving school at seventeen to have a baby. She left voluntarily, although incredibly the previous year the headmaster had attempted to expel a girl for being pregnant lest she influence the other girls. I remember the dire predictions of parents and the bitchier girls that she had ruined her life. I also remember running into her on a train with her ten year old daughter a few years back on her way to her graduation ceremony. In an ideal world everyone would wait until they are relatively settled before having children but we are dealing with nature which follows it's own agenda. If you are from a background where little is expected of you, unless you are exceptionally driven or have discovered a talent for something, it is unlikely you will achieve much whether you reproduce at thirteen, thirty or not at all.
I wonder how many Daily Mail readers have transcended their upbringing particularly dramatically (with the exception of the asylum seekers who visit my surgery and can't get enough of the bloody thing). I suspect not many, so why they expect people born into disadvantaged backgrounds to be any more driven or determined is a mystery to me. People tend to accept their daily surroundings as normal unless they are in immediate danger of death or injury.

Now go and hoot at this.

Words Fail Me......

Hello,

The above is a sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth. I had no idea she gave birth on a fur rug. Famous people can be so glamourous sometimes. There's not much else I can say really is there?

Cheerio

Lady Clairwil Is Neither Up Nor Down.

Hello,

I moan about cloud and it disappears! Hurrah! I have also been vindicated in my claim not to be anti-English, merely anti-smug sports commentator. There was a bit on the Scottish news earlier this evening about the Scottish national anthem which noted that the Commonwealth team having been standing about to 'Scotland The Brave' whilst the rugby team favour 'Flower Of Scotland' . I have no idea who the git reporting was but he ended his piece by saying 'it seems the only thing our sports teams can agree on is winning gold' at which I bellowed 'I hope they start losing you smug wanker' just the same as I do when similar levels of smugness are displayed by English commentators. Sometimes I only switch the TV on for the pleasure of shouting at it.

Anyway they went on to interview various members of the public about what they thought should be the national anthem. They then featured a frankly spine chilling interview with some obscure MSP who put forward the view that parliament should choose the anthem. O dear God no! Surely there must be some obscure EU law to prevent this. What about human rights? Can you imagine what that shower would choose? If the levels of judgement they've displayed during the 'wonky parliament' national embarrassment are anything to go by, they'd probably commission Gary Glitter to write something about 'loving children'. Then get Lulu to perform it. Naked with The Krankies. It's terrifying and we must not let it happen.

I'm also disappointed that the police have got involved in all this cash for peerages business. Why couldn't they have held off until I had my £100 bribe ready? Only a week later and I could have been 'Lady Clairwil', taking tea with the Queen and getting to the bottom of which one of them killed Diana. It's bloody typical of the establishment they get a good scam going and the minute ordinary members of the public try and get a slice of the action they shut up shop. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Blair was led out of Downing Street in handcuffs? Not that it's very likely. Could you imagine that twat in jail?

Anyway, must go there is butter on my keyboard and my fingers keep slipping.

Cheerio

P.S What in the name of God is this?

Cloud

Hello,

It's not often I feel compelled to blog about the weather but I'm pig sick of cloud. For the last day or so the sky has been about a foot off the ground and you almost feel you have to crawl to avoid being engulfed by slate grey cloud.

As the above picture of buds and blossom clearly demonstrates- spring is here! Yet we have only had about 30 seconds daylight, the rest being obscured by sodding cloud. It's most upsetting.

On a happier note I braved the cloud yesterday and had a stroll round Glasgow Green where I was entertained by a gaggle of geese. I'm scared of geese as anyone with an ounce of sense ought to be, however I lurked on a bridge whilst they ran about honking at ducks and fighting each other on the river bank. A safe distance- that's the key to goose appreciation. I've never been quite sure of what it is geese do when they catch you. I'm told swans break men's arms though I must confess total ignorance as to what they do to women. If it's sufficiently nasty I might throw a couple into my work lock the door and run. Only as a prank you understand- I am a being incapable of malice.

As some of you may be aware it is my birthday next week which means money in envelopes from my more well trained relatives, naturally there is the odd anarchist who insists on surprising me by giving something or other lavender scented or a vast bra, however I should end up with a bit of spare cash. Normally I spend it all on drink and fripperies but as I get older my thoughts turn more towards the future. I'm tired of being penniless the week before payday and being too frightened to open my mail, I want financial stability. To that end I have decided to approach Tony Blair to see what £100 gets me, failing that I might just buy some bits of chrystal and tell that ludicrous letterbox he's married to that they're 'magic' and flog her the lot for £1000. Bribery v dishonest entrepreneurship- what should I do?

Cheerio

Threesome!

Hello,

I thought I'd take some time out from 'sewing my own burkha' to draw your attention to 'polyamory'. No - it's not an 'adult' version of Balamory, it's a civil union between three people who are all having 'relations' with each other and it's got some people very upset indeed.

This fellow reckons it's all part of a wider war on men and marriage. Maybe I just consort with a particularly decadent group of men but I can't help feeling that most of them would be quite chuffed if two bisexual woman moved in with them as part of a threesome, even if it was a declaration of war.

I must say I missed all this completely when it happened last year. I'm baffled as to what the problem is. It sounds like a fine set up to me, I'd love a wife or to be more accurate a housewife. I cannot abide housework, though I do enjoy cooking.

Anyway people are alarmed because if there are any more civil unions involving gays, bisexuals, threesomes, then marrying goats will be allowed. I would have thought the goats inability to give consent to marriage would be sufficient to prevent this state of affairs. Not that I'm particularly bothered, people can marry hatstands for all I care. Anyway once we're all married to five homosexual goats 'rampant Islamism' will take over Europe and presumably forbid us to marry homosexual goats. Which I think would solve the 'problem'.

I'm a bit baffled by the idea that the Muslim hordes are waiting to pounce and 'assimilate' us like the Borg in Star Trek. Maybe it's my age, I'm thirty and as far back as I can remember the apocalypse has been around the corner. Nuclear war, communism and the like and now Islam of all things. It's all a bit 'boy who cried wolf' to me. Oh and before someone posts a comment along the lines of ' Clairwil in case you haven't heard we are at war. Sept11th, July Bombings etc the cartoons', I am aware of all these things and react badly to being patronised, yes we do have television in Glasgow, we also have radios, computers and newspapers. However these atrocities horrible as they were, were not of a scale sufficient to end western civilisation. The world is a big place, it's relatively easy to inflict damage on a country or group of individuals- is there any organised group capable of bringing down western civilisation as we know it at the present time?

Am I too relaxed? Or would anyone like to join my it's not perfect but it could be worse 'Scabby Queen' club.

Cheerio

Clairwil Goes Beyond Her Remit........

Hello,

Now if only I'd checked my comments in the last post before I went to work, specifically PaulB's suggestion that the government splash out on community sex classes. I was attending, for reasons that are a complete mystery to me, 'a community consultation' earlier today. Given that two woman left in tears and one shouted in a most disagreeable manner I suspect the idea of community sex classes would have lightened the mood somewhat.

As I've mentioned I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of my presence was, though I appear to be involved at a relatively senior level and spoke a couple of times. I have been involved in the planning of this for months and couldn't seem to find the right opportunity to ask why in the name of God I am involved. More worrying still I appear to be involved in 'taking things forward'. There has also been dark talk of 'the media'. I do not want to be on television, though I'd consider radio.

I hate meetings all that happens is that everyone makes the same point in a slightly different way or they disagree and a fight ensues. Actually I enjoy the fights because I just sit chipping in the odd fence sitting remark, everyone thinks I'm on their side and I end up getting all the dirt. As you can see I am rising by stealth.

The voluntary sector are wild for meetings, they cannot get enough of them. The private sector are exactly the same but are embarrassed by them and call them things like 'huddles' and 'pow wows', which more or less why I resigned from my last job.

Little else to report, other than the Blog Of The Week thing at the Mischief and some new snaps here. I remain obsessed with my camera.

Cheerio

Hiya!

Evening Punters!

As you are aware I am suffering from bloggers block or at least I was until the mysterious David appeared in my box. Here is what he said.....

'well, the 8 inches of snow in Glasgow; the falling down scottish parliament - the massive fuss - and the massive cost of housing them elsewhere; the fingerprint case that needs a public enquiry but because the numpties in holyrood voted on party lines now won't; do we really need £7m spent on a National Theatre of Scotland? Don't we have enough already? Or if you want something more cerebral - the vicar who cannot forgive the tube bombers. Or you could just tell us about the busses in Glasgow.'

For no other reason than that I have sentimental attachment to the name David I shall attempt to tackle some of the issues he raises. Firstly I shall explain my attachment to the name David. Many years ago when I was young and frisky I had four boyfriends all at once- The two reasonable ones who knew about each other were both called David and were wonderfully tolerant about the whole thing. The others would not have been quite as understanding being of low intelligence and frankly a bit up themselves. The whole situation came to a head for me when they all turned up at the Strathclyde union at once. The two Davids were very obliging and sat at the same table hooting at my efforts to keep the others in separate bars. It was when I developed a stitch racing between the Mandela Bar, The Barony and Level Eight, that I realised that being charming is exhausting and that four men is at least two too many. Mind you when a boy called Stephen asked me out that night I said yes. The important lesson we should draw from the whole experience is, make hay while the sun shines. Oh yes and never consent to Rangers end sex on a first date- your arse will never be your own again. I was and remain a martyr to my buttocks.


Anyway now all the personal stuff is out the way I shall make remarks on David's suggested topics.

Snow- Snow rocks. I love it, anyone who doesn't has forgotten what it is like to be a child and that is tragic.

The Scottish Parliament falling down- An appalling structure, poorly located, utterly devoid of grandeur, beauty and inspiration. It should be preserved as a monument to the Scottish Labour establishment's complete contempt for the electorate. If I were in charge, that ridiculous statue of Dewar would be melted down to make the missing bolt. The whole lot would be flogged off for housing and rebuilt elsewhere funded by MSPs contributions. Once they'd given us the kitty I would bring in a law whereby all MSPs salaries are set at the constituency average as an incentive for them to actually do something for the people they claim to represent.

The Fingerprints business- A public enquiry is now essential. How can anyone have faith in the justice system otherwise? If fingerprint evidence can show a false positive due to 'an honest mistake' , can any jury convict on this basis? The whole thing stinks.

£7 million on the National Theatre- Not sure. On the basis of their opening they seem to have made a genuine attempt to bring theatre into communities, whether that will be of lasting value or not. I'm reserving judgement.


The vicar who cannot forgive- I may return to this on another post........


Cheerio

Will Sir Be Having Fries With His Forced Drugging?

Hello,

I've been reading recently how McDonalds are going through a bit of a sales slump and have acquired something of an image problem. I've just watched 'The Road To Guantanamo' on Channel Four and was somewhat surprised to hear one of the former inmates mention being allowed a choice of food including McDonalds just before their release.

I'm no marketing expert but I would have thought associating your product with torture, imprisonment and the like is something of a mistake. Mind you now I come to think of it the average branch of McDonalds is a bit like a toytown Guantanamo. Deliberately uncomfortable seating, shouting idiots, random violence, staffed by retards, unsanitary and of course you never have any idea why the hell you're in one and long to escape.

In defence of McDonalds they don't terrify you with dogs, though they do have that sinister molester clown thing which is almost as bad. I should also state that it has been some years since I've been in a McDonalds, though I did once see a guy get stabbed in one. Has it improved recently?

On an entirely different subject I have run out things to blog about. Please feel free to suggest possible topics below.

Cheerio

Hello,

When the Lord made me, he made a rambling woman. The Tessa scandal. For a start what in the name of all that is sacred and holy is a woman of that age doing being called Tessa. That is an elephants name. Rebel is a dogs name. The story ends. Anyone who can take such a blase view of £350,000 is out of touch with the electorate and as such unfit to govern. Piss off Tess! The peoples party, my arse.

Tony 'God Is My Co-Pilot' Blair is another slug destroying my brain. I can prove that with co-ordinates. Sorry Jug Ears, who voted for God? I'm sorry (not in the slightest) I've said it before, J.C seems like a nice boy but that God one is a right troublemaker. Shit the bed! If he's not telling Osama to fly planes at skyscrapers, he's telling Tony to bomb Iraq. Then there's his poof mania. Northern Ireland. Israel v Palestine. A fucking troublemaker. A rumble merchant. God leave us, we're not worth it.

Cheerio

We'll meet again.....


Tomorrow: Halal Whiskey/ Islam for alkies.

Filthy Web Cam Perv

Hello,
No time to post today. Go and laugh at this instead. Old news but very, very funny.
Cheerio

Glasgow- The City That Cannot Mind It's Own Business.

Hello,

As I've mentioned previously I have taken up snapping things with my digital camera as a hobby. It's as harmless as any of my whims. However it has had the negative consequence of attracting unwanted attention.

The man on in the street in Glasgow is a simple being and as such is very easily confused. There I was taking a picture when out of the corner of my eye I became aware of something hurtling towards me, as the thing attached itself to me I realised that it was a ned. It took some effort to disentangle myself whilst the ridiculous creature demanded to know where I was from ("fae"). I said Glasgow, he didn't believe me and asked if I was from Edinburgh. I said yes and he kindly offered to show me round the city. Naturally I declined but he still wouldn't piss off asking more and more ridiculous questions about what I was doing. I only got way after asking him if I was under arrest and telling him that I wouldn't be answering any more questions without a lawyer present. That flummoxed him, he walked off shaking his head muttering "ah'm no a polis".

Then today I was minding my own business taking a few snaps when some ancient drunk appears and the following exchange takes place.....

Drunk- Are you David Bailey?
Me- Yes
Drunk- pffff, no yer no
Me- Ok
Drunk- Fucking David Bailey
Me- Is that a question?
Drunk- hnhnhnhn

Later I attracted the attention of a group of fat middle aged she bores and this happened....

Chief She Bore- Is that you taking pictures of all the talent?
Me- It was a pigeon.
She Bore Two- Would you take a picture of all of us?
Me Certainly
The She Bores then arrange themselves in a series of wacky poses whilst my thoughts turn to murder.
Chief She Bore- Are you a student? An art student? A photography student?
Me- Yes ha, ha.

They were the worst of the three. A menopausal Sex In The City. Just before they accosted me the loudest one was roaring on about being 'women at a certain stage in life' and saying she was just going to 'get out there and grab it'. Oh how I wanted to grab that one's throat and squeeze it. Honestly you'd think they'd never been outside Paisley before, the way they were carrying on. 'Glasgow's just so different from Paisley', 'The men here are great'.

Sadly I accidentally deleted their photo and lost their e-mail address when I walked round the corner.

So another day ends and I go back to dreaming about the world where everyone simply minds their own business.

Cheerio

Snaps

Still Addicted....

More

I Can't Stop Taking Pictures.....

Hello,

Yesterday a very cheap digital camera I bought on ebay arrived. I'm addicted to the bloody thing and have been taking pictures of everything. I know, I know the poor camera will pass out from exhaustion by next week.

More here.....


Cheerio

Menaced By A Fairground Trickster......

Hello,

I'm being menaced by a fake Mystic Meg. It all started off innocently enough I was bored and did some free horoscope thing. Never do a free horoscope thing when you're bored.

Stuff like this is the end result;


"Dear Clairwil, read this!I’ve found it! I’ve seen it! Yes, I’ve finally found for you the «Remedy» you need!Yes, dear Clairwil, I’ve found "the Miracle Remedy", I know this is for you the end of all your problems!"


Oh God! A nutcase I thought and quietly ignored it, then I got this;

"Yes, Dear Clairwil,

BE CAUTIOUS,Be on a sharp lookout in the days coming ahead...Indeed I advice the
utmost caution because mysterious decisive events are about to occur in your life...I
must warn you immediately, while there is still time...."

Bloody marvelous, now I've an astrologer trying to kill me, I thought. Then it got worse.

"This is why, without waiting for your permission, I have attempted to find out more and therefore I performed for you, Clairwil a string of Mystical Beneficial Occult Aid Ceremonials. I must take very substantial risks if I am to continue. But I am willing to accept them because I want to save you from the traps you could fall into if you do nothing about the decisive mysterious events shaping up ahead of you."

Without waiting for my permission- what effrontery! She then blathers on about these dangerous rituals that I never bloody asked her to perform. Honestly she's worse than
my bloody mother with all that 'I gave birth to you' business. I take a no nonsense approach to it. I just say 'mother if you wish to apportion blame that's the fellow' and gesture in the direction of my father. Anyway it appears my family may be the cause of all my problems according to our stargazing chum.

"Indeed, since your 13th birthday your personality has changed. Today you are a different person than before that evil incident. Anxiety has taken the upper hand in your soul, once filled with energy and joy. Your passionate nature, your immense sensitivity have been impounding on your relationships with the others. Some people know your weak points
all too well, they often use them and sometimes abuse them"

I have no idea what she is on about now, but wait! The cyber-sybil has an explanation....

"I have perceived that this negative event occurred on the day of your 13th birthday. I don’t know whether you can recall it."

Ah yes the old repressed memory ruse. As if! I still bear grudges against people I went to nursery with. Anyway I shouldn't be too hard on her because the poor woman has taken the frankly terrifying risk of becoming trapped in my life.

"The danger with this kind of ceremonials, besides demanding intense concentration and a tremendous amount of energy, is that I may find myself stuck in your past or in your future and never be able to return to the present. This is the reason why this particular technique is used only on very rare occasions, and only when it is truly worth the cause. And it was essential that I performed this ceremonial for you as soon as possible."

Do you think it's possible she might be on drugs?

Anyway if I send her some money, wonderful things will happen;

"First of all, you will find that people you see every day, who haven’t been paying the slightest attention to you, will start looking at you differently...

- Then, you will notice better luck in anything you do. You will succeed in things
where you used to fail before. This is going to be the first sign that the course we
have taken is beginning to bear fruit.

- Just weeks afterwards, I would encourage you to buy a lottery ticket to
test your new LUCK. But don’t do anything within the first 15 days, because
it is then that I am going to perform something very special for you. I am going
to take action to help you settle your most serious financial problems."

There is, it would seem no such thing as a free horoscope.

Cheerio