Scottish News Special


Normally the Scottish news is depressing affair, all the same news you've just had on the UK wide programme followed by the newsreader trying to keep a straight face as they inform us of the latest act of vandalism against the Donald Dewar statue or something about cholesterol.

However occasionally it throws up a wee gem. Behold the majesty of this tale.

As we are all aware Keane are shit. So shit that they don't make me even slightly angry. Of course I want to behead everyone involved in producing and marketing their records but Keane themselves are too dim to get worked up about. I remember reading once that many of the major record companies had invested heavily in the arms trade and thinking how awful, how like the man. The devious bastards taking money from the kids then using it to buy bombs. As I've got older and groups like Keane, Travis and Coldplay have become successful, I'm now starting to see arms dealing as the more respectable business. Perhaps the A&R man who signed Keane could get a transfer to WMD International and regain some fucking dignity. Though, as I've said I'd favour beheading. Anyway I've been distracted from my mission which is to tell you about Lawrence Lindsay of Clackmannanshire who ran amok at last years T in The Park festival after hearing a Keane song. Whilst I have every sympathy with the man I cannot help but feel the following might be something of an overreaction.

His reign of terror or his 'episode' as his family no doubt term it began when he tried to punch and kick people in the audience as Keane played. Actually on reflection it's probably no more than most of them deserved. Keane for Gods sake. Naturally the authorities were summoned and this is the best bit for me. He then tried to bite one of the police officers but as the fiscal pointed out 'He has no teeth so he wasn't really a great threat'.

No teeth at 36 years old. Goes to T in The Park and gets angry about shite music. Something tells me Lawrence is not one of the world deepest thinkers. The NME could really use someone like him just now.

Honestly if it were possible to dance to news I would be doing it.

Moving on to good old politics, let us all have a good old gloat over Labour's second by-election defeat this year. It's only February! Ha Ha Ha! I hate to sound wildly optimistic but could it be that the Scottish electorate are finally realising that decades of slavish devotion to Labour have got them precisely nowhere? Oh if only. I used to be very good friends with a slightly creepy admirer of Margaret Thatcher who assured me that if Labour were elected we would be going 'cap in hand to the IMF', have a three day week and be on strike on full pay every second day. Even as a naive teenager I was sceptical. It all sounded a bit Utopian to me. Imagine the UK lying about on it's arse all day and getting paid to do so by the IMF. Look what's happened instead stop smoking, stop eating, stop binge drinking, show us your I-D. I wish the government would just piss off, so hats off to the people of Milton for giving them one of the the boot.



ill man said...

Keane really are an odourless fart of a band.

I would have understood if it was James Blunt that had sent him into a frenzy. That fucker is the musical equivelent of nails down a blackboard.

west coaster said...

Dear Clairwil,
Please advise me. Should I vote Liberal next time. I think I would like to but I don't want people to think I'm a poof.
Yours sincerely,
West Coaster

Clairwil said...

Dear West Coaster,
You have my permission to vote for anyone you like.
I shall be voting for whoever is most likely to get Labour out which if my memory serves me correctly is either the SNP or the Lib Dems in my constituency.
Yours sincerely


Anonymous said...

"I hate to sound wildly optimistic but could it be that the Scottish electorate are finally realising that decades of slavish devotion to Labour have got them precisely nowhere? Oh if only."

Yes it is hardly likely that you can get rid of Labour by voting for the very party which is propping them up!

The Liberal Democrats are vermin, and that is the nicest thing I can say about them. Firstly the name, they are neither liberal nor democratic, so what the hell are they calling themselves the Liberal Democrats for?

They should be called the Social Democrats, their politics are often more left than Labour, they are very much a statist party, and they have no love of free market economics (or anything else that might justify the 'Liberal' tag).

Secondly they are devious little shites. All over Britain they tell people what they want to hear, they act all leftist in constituencies where they challenge Labour, and rightist where they challenge the Tories. Of the three major parties they are the least honest.

Thirdly, in the Dunfermline constituency they campaigned on local issues, but most of these issued fall within the remit of the noddy, sorry, the Scottish Parliament, and they are part of that parliaments governing coalition! And all that fuss over the feckin bridge, it is a flaming Liberal Democrat minister who is in charge of that area of policy!

The motto of Scottish Politics should be "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate", for it is truly hopeless.

Clairwil said...

Anonymous, you're no doubt right about the Lib Dems. I must admit I have never really scrutinised them, the way I would Labour or the Tories simply because they've never been all that close to power. Frankly I've never been so thoroughly depressed by politics (Scottish and British) in my entire life.

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