2/15/2006

TV Listings And Parenting Tips

Hello,

Lord knows why but I was scanning the TV listings earlier today. TV is utter rubbish isn't it? I've been in denial about this for years but have come to realise I mainly just have it on for background noise when I can't be arsed with music. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the odd programme, nothing I'm going to reveal here though. My mother despairs of my viewing habits which she considers 'common'.

Sauntering back towards the point I was scanning the TV listings earlier and they have upset me greatly. Take for example 'Relocation Relocation' in which Kirsty and Phil help a couple, an 'artistic' couple mind you, look for a home one hours drive from London and I quote 'a funky place in Sweden'. I don't need to watch this programme to know that this couple will look like a couple of extras from the Doritos adverts. I don't need to watch to know that one or both of them will be wearing annoying designer glasses. I don't need to watch to know that I want to kill them. 'Artistic!' Ha I bet they work in advertising. 'A funky place' indeed! I hope they burst into flames. The smug cunts.

And the evenings viewing just gets better! Next up we have 'Brat Camp'. God how I loathe that programme. Who precisely is it aimed at? When I get home from a days work that last thing I want to be confronted with is whiny teenage girls. For heavens sake I hated whiny teenage girls when I was one, why on earth would I choose to look at them now? The whole programme is a fraud it never shows the baiting of these children by their stupid, witless parents. Lord knows my parents have provoked me to unparalleled heights of fury with their nonsensical statements. That is why I tell them nothing. They have consistently demonstrated that they cannot be trusted with any detailed information about me. If only the children on 'Brat Camp' would do likewise. Is there really any need to tell your mother you 'use drugs and fuck the babysitter cos your like seventeen yeah and she's just like a bitch, yeah'. No there is not. All mother needs to hear is 'sex-me, no never' and 'I would never take drugs' then she can sod off to bingo, happy and her teenage daughter can get on with fellating spotty boys or whatever it is they get up to. I'm going to open my very own Brat Camp and I will guarantee you model children. They'll be efficient liars mind but no-one's perfect.


It's like that other programme 'Supernanny' where whole families sit in terrified silence watching a three year old chew the carpet. I sit there blood pressure rising thinking 'for Christs sake, it's only a three year old, hit it with a spoon'. It's not like any of the children in these programmes have any type of illness or disorder, which would be an entirely different kettle of fish. They are perfectly healthy children who have been outrageously spoilt by halfwits who then cannot cope with the monster they've created and set about provoking it by giving it orders.

Most children are tedious beyond all belief. It's bad enough that my work colleagues have a mania for boring me with tales of their children's antics 'he's a lot better, he did a poo today' being the most recent example of this drivel. However I'm sick to the point of homicide of the little fuckers cluttering up the TV schedules, if they're not acting astonishingly badly in soap operas, they're smearing shit on the walls in a documentary. They should be neither seen nor heard and that is my final word.


Cheerio

11 comments:

David Duff said...

'Clairwil', you could rant for Britain at the Olympics! Whilst we wait for that to occur, I award you the prestigious 'Alf Garnett/Basil Fawlty Prize for Hissing, Spitting Rage'. At the same time, I regret to inform you that you have also won a link on my site which, alas, will do you no favours at all!

THanks, you started my day with a huge laugh!

the anti-barney said...

I've always said that kids are like farts,
You can just about stand your own.

alan said...

'Artistic!' Ha I bet they work in advertising.

Love that :)
Is there anything more pointless and irritatingly smug in the entire Universe than trendy advertising agencies? Apart from jazz, that is. And haute couture fashion houses. And ...

David Duff said...

Steady on, Alan, old chap. I know nothing of advertising agencies and haute couture fashion houses, but the MJQ were/are sublime. And the Quintet of the Hot Club de Paris were pretty terrific, too. And as for Benny Goodman ...

alan said...

ok david, i'll give you django rheinhardt, billie holliday, and ottilie paterson singing 'the mountains of mourne', but that's about it. the rest is way too cool for a cat like me.

David Duff said...

Alan, you are, sir, a 'cat' of wisdom and tolerence!

Carol said...

We have "Super Nanny", "Nanny 911", "Wife Swap" and "Trading Spouses", and there are times I want to hit the parents with a spoon!

ill man said...

I'd squeeze in Miles Davis there as well. Kind Of Blue, but nowt else.

Or am I just easily pleased?

west coaster said...

Love this post. You're outdoing Noreen on Emerald Bile. "it's only a three year old, hit it with a spoon" ROFL, brilliant.

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