Menaced By A Fairground Trickster......


I'm being menaced by a fake Mystic Meg. It all started off innocently enough I was bored and did some free horoscope thing. Never do a free horoscope thing when you're bored.

Stuff like this is the end result;

"Dear Clairwil, read this!I’ve found it! I’ve seen it! Yes, I’ve finally found for you the «Remedy» you need!Yes, dear Clairwil, I’ve found "the Miracle Remedy", I know this is for you the end of all your problems!"

Oh God! A nutcase I thought and quietly ignored it, then I got this;

"Yes, Dear Clairwil,

BE CAUTIOUS,Be on a sharp lookout in the days coming ahead...Indeed I advice the
utmost caution because mysterious decisive events are about to occur in your life...I
must warn you immediately, while there is still time...."

Bloody marvelous, now I've an astrologer trying to kill me, I thought. Then it got worse.

"This is why, without waiting for your permission, I have attempted to find out more and therefore I performed for you, Clairwil a string of Mystical Beneficial Occult Aid Ceremonials. I must take very substantial risks if I am to continue. But I am willing to accept them because I want to save you from the traps you could fall into if you do nothing about the decisive mysterious events shaping up ahead of you."

Without waiting for my permission- what effrontery! She then blathers on about these dangerous rituals that I never bloody asked her to perform. Honestly she's worse than
my bloody mother with all that 'I gave birth to you' business. I take a no nonsense approach to it. I just say 'mother if you wish to apportion blame that's the fellow' and gesture in the direction of my father. Anyway it appears my family may be the cause of all my problems according to our stargazing chum.

"Indeed, since your 13th birthday your personality has changed. Today you are a different person than before that evil incident. Anxiety has taken the upper hand in your soul, once filled with energy and joy. Your passionate nature, your immense sensitivity have been impounding on your relationships with the others. Some people know your weak points
all too well, they often use them and sometimes abuse them"

I have no idea what she is on about now, but wait! The cyber-sybil has an explanation....

"I have perceived that this negative event occurred on the day of your 13th birthday. I don’t know whether you can recall it."

Ah yes the old repressed memory ruse. As if! I still bear grudges against people I went to nursery with. Anyway I shouldn't be too hard on her because the poor woman has taken the frankly terrifying risk of becoming trapped in my life.

"The danger with this kind of ceremonials, besides demanding intense concentration and a tremendous amount of energy, is that I may find myself stuck in your past or in your future and never be able to return to the present. This is the reason why this particular technique is used only on very rare occasions, and only when it is truly worth the cause. And it was essential that I performed this ceremonial for you as soon as possible."

Do you think it's possible she might be on drugs?

Anyway if I send her some money, wonderful things will happen;

"First of all, you will find that people you see every day, who haven’t been paying the slightest attention to you, will start looking at you differently...

- Then, you will notice better luck in anything you do. You will succeed in things
where you used to fail before. This is going to be the first sign that the course we
have taken is beginning to bear fruit.

- Just weeks afterwards, I would encourage you to buy a lottery ticket to
test your new LUCK. But don’t do anything within the first 15 days, because
it is then that I am going to perform something very special for you. I am going
to take action to help you settle your most serious financial problems."

There is, it would seem no such thing as a free horoscope.



alan said...

oh dear, you've obviously fallen into the hands of a tesco value astrologer, but don't worry i think i can help. i just nipped out onto the astral plane and had a poke around. it seems it's all connected with the incident when that spotty boy offered to swap a catapult, two marbles and some used chewing gum for a peek at your underwear on your birthday, and you shoved his head down the toilet and flushed it. all you need to do is swallow 2 live newts and put your bra on back to front for a week and everything will be fine.

Clairwil said...

Two live newts! Yuck, would a couple of fairy cakes suffice instead.

Binty McShae said...

So tell me... is there anyone whose personality HASN'T changed since their 13th birthday? If so they must be pretty damn childish!

alan said...

unfortunately not, although you could use the fairy cakes to fill out your bra. two teaspoons of lark's vomit might do the trick instead, but it's damned hard to get hold of these days. my local tesco hasn't had any on the shelves for ages.

Clairwil said...

Two fairy cakes in a backwards bra would cause a great deal of confusion due to the alarming rate my fringe is growing at. No-one would know if I was entering a room in the normal way or backing into it.

I'll have to give all of this serious thought.

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