Window Dressing Gone Wrong!

Hello,

I see someone else has fled the cabinet, no doubt by the time I complete this post someone else will be jumping ship. I am troubled by the departure of Caroline Flint, though because it put's me in the position of siding with Brown.

Ms Flint reckons that Gordon Brown has treated her as 'female window dressing'. I don't like to defend sexism or tokenism of that sort but in all seriousness what else was he meant to do with her? Let's face it she's easy on the eye but based her performance to date has hardly set the heather alight. Anyway why is ok for her to do a bit of modelling in the Sunday papers, when a male politician would be a laughing stock if he did likewise? She can hardly moan about being treated like eye candy if that's how she chooses to present herself.

It's also something of a worry that it took her so long to notice she was being treated as 'window dressing'. Only last month she was telling The Observer that she hadn't experienced any sexism in politics since being elected in 1997. Either Brown had one of his hitherto unknown 'window dressing' fits a fortnight a go or Ms Flint is one dim bint. Odder still last night she claimed she was staying in government because she was 'very proud to be a part of Gordon Brown's government'.

Today she announced she was giving up flicking through Grazia magazine behind a desk or whatever it is she's being doing since 1997. I'm sure it is mere coincidence that this happened after Brown failed to offer her a full cabinet role. Good God that whiny ten year old on Britain's Got Talent showed more dignity in the face of disappointment.

I've no doubt being female in that den of overgrown schoolboys is a trial at times. It wouldn't surprise me at all to hear female MPs are discriminated against. What a shame the 'Blair Babes' were ever mooted as an answer -a gaggle of girlies so witless I change sex just looking at them such is my desire to escape from any club they're members of.

I just hope the female electorate in Ms Flints constituency will remember her cynical use of feminism for her own careerist ends come the general election. I'm sure the job centre will appreciate a bit of fortnightly window dressing.

I'm no fan of Brown and hsave never voted Labour in my puff, nor can I forsee any circumstances when I will but having seen the poor quality of the Labour rebels, I rather unexpectedly find myself feeling rather sorry for Brown. I would have thought he deserved at least a measure of loyalty for allowing these mediocrities to remain in high office. Instead he finds himself stabbed in the back by people far worse than he's ever been. I'd have more respect for them if they'd done something constructive to improve things or stuck with the trainwreck to the bitter end because every last one of them is complicit. They've had ample opportunity to get rid of Brown, yet only acted when they were in the shit over expenses or denied a promotion. That speaks volumes. Brown's alright when he's feathering their nests no matter what he does to the electorate. What a repulsive bunch of chancers.

Cheerio

I'm going to be on telly!

Hello,
Don't get all excited! Sadly the BBC haven't seen sense and given me my own show. Lord knows why I'd love a show. I'm thinking of something along the lines of a chat show where I get to choose the guests. So instead of speaking to someone from Eastenders who has just released a fitness video I might have an expert on seahorses drop in with Barbara Windsor and someone I found on the bus. God I don't know why I'm bothering to go into all this. It isn't going to happen.

Instead I am merely going to be a star of CCTV. Our wonderful Labour council here in Glasgow have decided to splash out on £300,000 worth of CCTV coverage of my stamping ground. Of course my fantastic local councillor Gordon Matheson is quick to point out that 'The Merchant City is not a high crime area but the residential population is growing rapidly and there is a substantial night-time economy. This is why we are installing a network of CCTV cameras.'

I must say I'm somewhat puzzled by this because a few weeks Gordy boy was telling us that Paddy's Market was the cause of an unacceptably high level of crime and that the local residents were suffering as a result.

More peculiar still he describes the pubs in the area as the night-time economy and to be fair many of them aren't a problem but a fair number of them are. I have written to Mr Matheson to complain about the antics of the patrons of the night time economy on several occasions but have yet to receive a response or see any improvement in the situation. Only this evening I got home at 8pm to find the front door covered in sectarian graffiti and the entry panel ripped off the door. To get to this I had to walk through the carpet of fag butts that the night time economy seems to produce post-smoking ban and the pools of piss that folk too anti-social to use the toilet pop out the pub to decorate the the street with. I will also be woken up at least once tonight by the racket made by the night time economy as it retreats to the suburbs. I should point out that I'm a heavy sleeper, for example I once slept through the fire brigade evacuating the flats next door and was stunned to read about it the paper the following day.

I bought my house eight years ago for the princely sum of £46,000 so I'm well aware that I'm part of the scum element that Mr Matheson wishes would vanish. As I'm neither a big brewery or a landlord renting out luxury apartments my quality of life is an irrelevance. Funnily enough if I hadn't been aware Paddy's Market existed prior to buying my house I'd still be oblivious to it's existence. Yet that is Gordy's main issue. I expect that if the Paddy's traders could afford to make it worth Gordon's while to support them they'd be fine.

The Merchant City is by no means a crime blackspot but it is blighted by drunken anti-social behaviour of an evening. You might imagine that the council would seek to tackle this but instead every encouragement is given to big chain pubs to come here, let their customers get rat arsed and wash their hand of them. CCTV will change nothing. What disrupts the peace in these parts is provisional IRA obsessed piss heads roaring and singing. Are the council seriously asserting that the installation of cameras will shut these wankers up? Oh and no the the irony of such anti-social beasts being so in love with the provisionals has not escaped my notice given the IRA's knee-capping response to anti-social behaviour. In any case it is perfectly possible to support the IRA quietly -I did for years when I was the left wing equivalent of the Daily Mail, a dogmatic mental and fifteen years old.

It is clear to me that the council couldn't care less about crime which begs the question what do the want with the CCTV footage. My best guess is that the plan to flog footage of fit birds getting humped over the bins to the highest bidder. The notion that a city would continually elect halfwits who will devote twice the energy to being seen to be doing something as it actually takes to tackle the problem is too implausible to believe.

Cheerio

Praised and Damned

Hello,
It's been an odd sort of day. This morning I was being brought gifts by clients and hailed as the 'Queen of Scotland' by one particularly excitable fellow -mind you after what happened to the last one I'm not sure that was as complimentary as it first seemed. The only sad note of the morning was it being the last shift worked by my glamorous, clever, reliable and bloody fantastic assistant. Actually it's an insult to refer to her as that she was the nearest I've had to a mentor and role model in my working life.

Before anyone says it I didn't drive her out a job. In fact it was her personal loyalty and kindness to me that did for her. When I had all that awful bother with my health she refused to participate in the bullying campaign my boss orchestrated when even people who like me did out of cowardice half heartedly stuck the boot in. In fact she is the only person in my career who has ever stuck their own neck on the line purely to defend my interests. To put this in context one can have a very good life in my office if you sneak in with the boss. In return for your loyalty you can get work for any tradesmen you happen to be married/living with or related to. Not only that but there are the extra holidays, 'extra' expenses and use of the taxi account. Still my heroic assistant turned her nose up at all that and paid the price by having her work excessively, unreasonably and unfairly monitored, by being unfairly selected for redundancy and sent to coventry on and off for the last few years. So accustomed was our esteemed boss to finding fault with her she got a tongue lashing for handing in her notice.

I must confess there was a tear or two when she left today and a fair bit of repressed rage on my part when she left. So when the assistant manager had a go at me in a most aggressive and confrontational manner for leaving at five and not doing any unpaid overtime last week she got it one barrel- both barrels involves complete honesty. I had no idea I was so ferocious. When I paused for breath she announced she was going to fetch her boss to speak to me. When I started laughing she started shaking and ran out the room, then came back alone still shaking. I merely continued where I left off and tears sprang to her eyes and she said she had nothing further to say and released me from the office. At one point she unfairly accused me of showing her disrespect which I have made every reasonable human effort to conceal. The cheek of her -if I was completely honest about what I thought of her she'd kill herself. She has a backbone like her belly -useless and flabby and the management skills of a dung beetle. No wonder her ex tried to strangle her. His only crime was amateurishness. Why couldn't she have married the Yorkshire Ripper instead?

Mind you I'll be in for it when her boss decides to collar me. As she didn't capture me today I presume she's picking her moment. I really wish they'd just sack me, they know they want to.

Cheerio

Sex For Consumers

Hello,
Like many members of the 'lady community' I have been orphaned by the tragic demise of Marie Claire. I am aware it's still limping on but a cursory glance at the contents leaves one wondering why it bothers.

For the last couple of years I've been in search of a suitable replacement but it's as if the last people on earth who still take Madonna seriously have got together and entered a competition to see who can run the dullest magazine possible.

Anyway I've been hearing wonderful things about Scarlet Magazine which purports to be some sort of erotic periodical for ladies. Do not be taken in. Whilst all glossy magazines carry a lot of advertising this rag is about 95% advertising and none of it very interesting. Worse still any article that promises to be interesting is confined to one side of a single page. It's as if they fear entertaining the reader.

There is a section of 'erotic' literature or 'Cliterature' as they're calling it. A woman gets locked in a chastity belt in one of the stories, I couldn't be arsed reading on to see if she gets out. The one about the 'frantic sun lounger' is a big bore as well. I'm not really sure who all this tedium is aimed at. People who want to appear to be interested in sex perhaps?

Mind you the sex tips were good for a laugh, there are, you will be surprised to hear sixty-nine of them. Most too dull to repeat but I shall leave you with a few of my favourites on the condition that you don't hold me responsible for the consequences should you be silly enough to try them.

1. 'Suffering from wrist-ache during hand jobs? Try bagpiping as an alternative.'
2. 'Buy a Skype phone'
3. 'During masturbation use your spare hand to pull your hair'
4. 'Cut up bin liners, place them all over the floor and have a naked cream fight.'
5. 'Refuse whenever you want to.'
6. 'Cover your body in lube and play catch'
7. ' Borrow a pair of your mans boxers and masterbate in front of him.'
8. 'For convenient watersports use the bath'
9. 'A fly-swatter delivers a playful sting to the buttocks.'

By now I'm sure you are as bewildered as I am. Good Lord Mr Clairwil would hit the roof if I peed in his bath, especially if he happened to be in it at the time. Bear with me for what I think is quite possibly the worst sex tip ever printed. It's the sort of thing I'd do to someone I was about to chuck. For sheer cock-teasing cruelty it takes some beating and exposes the author as a dishonest prude who should be confined to a convent before someone explodes.

10. '.....enlist a broadminded friend and kiss her in front of him, on the condition that later when you're both alone together, he verbally completes the scenario, sharing with you the fantasy of what could have happened next.'

Hahaha! Of course in a just and sensible world the chap and the broadminded friend would go off together and leave the tease to pull the wings off flies. For the love of God! What's in next weeks 'pretend you've won the lottery and get your man to describe in detail what he plans to do with his share of the cash before telling him it's all a hoax?'

Scarlet -can't read it for the articles, can't read it for the sex and there's not even a free gift. Avoid like a salesman.

Terror Attacks Cause Outbreak Of Drivel On The Web!

Hello,
I have been following the coverage of the terror attack at Glasgow Airport with some interest. Against my better judgement I took a trip over to the BBC news 'Have Your Say' bit. Oh Lord! There are times when I think free speech is a terrible error. Then I think again and conclude that if everyone else is going to talk total nonsense who am I to swim against the tide?

First up we have people attempting to get to the root cause of why the airport was attacked. Quite frankly I think someone in authority should take these 'experts' at their word and send them to Guantanamo Bay for having a suspicious level of insider knowledge. I realise that's a bit unfair given that they're talking frightful rot but it's better than them being allowed to air their views and mislead impressionable children and other vulnerable people.

A popular explanation is of course the Iraq War. Quite why someone who felt that way would attack a country which has just elected a devolved government that are vocal opponents of the Iraq war is not explained or I suspect given any consideration. Something of an own goal for the terrorists there I'd have thought, if they were in a tizzy about Iraq.

Whilst I believe that situations like the Iraq War and so on don't do recruitment to terrorist organisations any harm at all they are not the root cause of Islamist terror. There are times when I'm tempted to start supporting the war in Iraq to distance myself from 'Iraq bores'. Honestly if I were to mention that the telly was a bit dull last night I wouldn't be surprised if someone responded well of course what do you expect when we've killed all those poor Iraqis.

There are loads of folk with solutions to the problem. Like ID cards. Saints preserve us. Asylum Seekers are presently obliged to carry ID cards and it doesn't appear to have had much bearing on terrorism prevention in the UK. In any case, is someone mad enough to set fire to themselves likely to be deterred by someone knowing who they are? I cannot see many future terror plots being abandoned with the words 'drat those infidels and their ID cards'.

The deport everyone brigade are out in full. Quite how this would sort out homegrown terrorists is unclear. What do they expect the government to do? Approach some Muslim country and explain 'we're having a spot of trouble with some Islamist terrorists and we thought with you being Muslims you wouldn't mind importing a selection of violent British nutters'. Somehow I can't see that one working. If someone who isn't British presents a threat to public safety then jail them and boot them out and the end of their sentence however it's not going to eliminate the threat.

Then we have some tosser moaning about Alex Salmond making a statement. Good Lord the way that Salmond carries on you'd think he was First Minister and Scotland had been attacked! That's all we need an uppity Scot getting narked and sticking his beak into matters that don't concern him. He'll only get it wrong and break things.

I think my favourite comment was by 'Claire'. 'I am 22 years old and should not feel unsafe in my own country'. What does being 22 have to do with it you bloody fool? Why she didn't just write 'I am a pampered halfwit who descends into a footstamping hissy fit each time the world shows itself to be less than perfect' and have done with it I don't know. Six months in Iraq would sort her out. As if being 22 grants one the right to special protection!


An improbably named gentleman, one 'Mr Buttomungous' claims to have seen four chaps acting suspiciously in a Silver Mercedes last autumn. However he didn't report this or anything sensible like that in case someone thought he was a racist. I think that is quite the silliest thing ever said by any human being anywhere. Why would anyone publicly confess to finding the though of an accusation of racism as being worse than failure to report a potential terrorist attack?


Mind you abuse of the right of free speech is nothing to the abuse of the English language on that board. It's a well known fact that English is the worlds greatest language, I myself refuse to speak any other, even when overseas. I rather fancy the foreigners enjoy the challenge, in any case I always get my egg and chips. To return to the BBC website, if I find people communicating with grunts and fire in the next couple of hours I won't raise so much as an eyebrow in surprise. Instead I shall draw some stick men and jump up and down.

Finally would you all think less of me if I confess to feeling a warm glow at living in a city with citizens mad and heroic enough to punch out a psyched up burning terrorist? The only thing that would have made me happier would be if they'd beaten him with Irn Bru bottles pausing only to light a fag off the flames.


Cheerio

Oh Dear Our Terry Is Very Cross!

Hello,
Our Tel is in an awful mood. I reckon it could be rabies or his totalitarian instincts coming to the surface.

'The blog sites ought to be looked at with a view to cleaning these diseased individuals out. Why should they be allowed to get away with the kind of opinions and language which would get them locked up if they said these things in the street ? The language they use would make decent people shun them, read some of it and ask yourself if you would want any of them near you, or your family.' Terry Kelly 10/05/07

Locked up for Terry mocking. Good God! The whole nation would be jailed. He doesn't really get democracy does he?

More here, here, here and here.

UPDATE: What in God's name is this?

Cheerio

It would appear I am controversial......

'looks like some sort of wierdo undercover racist shit..braindead crap anyway thats for sure'- tim

'i can spot a nazi troll when i see you, with racist shit like this post your home address,and you will find out soon enough what happens to nazis' -af





Hello,
The people quoted above sound hopping mad don't they? Poor 'af' is so mad he's threatening to go round to a woman's house and assault her! But who can they be talking about? Well believe it or not -it's little me!

There is worse, in that people have tried to 'engage' with me to prevent me from invading Poland. You may well be wondering what could have provoked them. Well so am I really. Do you see why I'm no longer involved in politics? Stuff like this always happens.

My downfall began when I posted an article to popular Asian run blog Pickled Politics. We all had a jolly debate and that was that or so I thought. Someone without asking, stole my article and put it up on Indymedia as a post. The black arts will be employed in revenge.

Anyway if 'af' is reading. I'm not going to put my details up on a public forum but if you'd like to email me I'd be happy to meet up and show you in person exactly how I respond to misogynistic little creeps that get their jollies threatening women. Dressing it up as opposing racism doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Tim, please make use of your spellchecker. You're worse than the Stormfront nutters.

Oh and for the person who sent the 'nazi bitch' email, I'm about as scared of you as I am of 'af', though all things considered I'd prefer it if you kept your violent sexual fantasies to yourself. Do your chums on 'the frontline' realise you harbour such bizarre thoughts about 'shit dropping bnp slags' getting their 'wombs ripped out'?

Cheerio

A Call To Spam.

Hello,
I'm being inundated with sodding emails from people that want to do business with me. This fellow in paticular is really getting on my tits. Please bury him in under a storm of spam by signing him up for everything. Forward all your spam to him, torment him, offer him deals but whatever misuse of his email address you decide on, just ensure that it's evil and gets him off my back. That'll learn him.

Cheerio

Bono Has Ruined My Christmas

Hello,
I'm not proud of this but I used to be rather fond of Mr Bono. Yes I realised he could be an utter tool at times but he has large hips and a sense of humour which I find rather appealing. Oh fuck it he was a borderline boiler for me.

Imagine being 31 and feeling let down by a pop star, let alone cunting Bono out of U2. As I say I always thought he was an arse but I truly believed he was a well intentioned arse. I remember seeing U2 at the SECC in Glasgow a few years back. Bono picked a girl out of the audience to jiggle about with, she was right next to me so what he was thinking I cannot imagine. Anyway as he pulled her onto the stage, his face fell slightly as he noticed the tattooed knuckles -'Mags' on the left hand and 'Paul' on the right. That aside I was most impressed at Mr Bono's professionalism as he proceeded to treat her like a normal person. Better men than Bono would have called security. I thought to myself there is a man with the common touch, he could eat pies with cockneys. Rather like a leather clad Queen Mum.

Now not only has it been brought to my attention that he is a tax evader but he's accepted a bauble from the British. No true Irish gentleman would behave in such a fashion. For fucks sake no rock star, however lame should behave in such a fashion. Really he should be kicked out of decent society. What a cunt. I'm all for writing off third world debt, I don't have Sir Bono's media attention to do much in the way of campaigning, what I can do is pay my taxes and give my country some money to do it with. The worthiness of the issue is not the point. How dare some multi-millionaire tight-wad come along and lecture people on low wages on how they should press for their tax money to be spent. If he lived a less self indulgent lifestyle and gave his money to third world charities he could improve and save hundreds if not thousands of lives. Instead he weasels out of paying tax that wouldn't affect his lifestyle one iota and expects bus drivers, cleaners, hairdressers and security guards to pick up the tab. Let them eat cake indeed!

The title is just the final gesture of contempt. If I were offered a bauble, I'd wonder where I'd gone wrong in life. Then I'd tell them to shove it. There is no force on earth that would make me kneel before that freeloading trash in Buck House. Worse still it makes the government look like it cares. How could anyone accept a 'prize' from the filth that govern us? An honour from King Tony should be about as welcome as a childcare prize from Ian Huntley. For Christ's sake a civilised society would have lynched Blair years ago.

I'm fairly relaxed about non-famous types accepting honours even though it's something I wouldn't do myself. For example someone working for a small charity is likely to see donations increase following the publicity from their 'honour'. I don't mind people sacrificing their reputation for the greater good. In fact I almost wish I was that selfless but what on earth has Sir Bono got to gain? As a rock star it just makes him an even bigger laughing stock, he's not short of publicity. The only explanation is that he wants approval from the establishment. What a sook! I'm sure it won't worry him unduly but every word he says from now on will be suspect to me. In fact I shall ignore him. Bono does not exist. He has never existed.

Cheerio