Make Your Bloody Mind Up

Hello,
As I swan about the internet I come across many a strongly expressed opinion about all manner of things. Take this fellow for example;

'Personally, I can take the Royal Family or leave them alone, I've no strong feelings about them either way. But if my tax money HAD to go to someone undeserving, I'd rather it went to them than to some promiscuous tramp on a council estate receiving government money for three children by three diferent fathers and spending most of it on cigarettes and booze. Or for that matter as a tax credit to some half-wit whose 'job' consists of pushing a vacuum cleaner around office carpets with his mouth open all day.'

Good heavens! Whats a poor person to do. They can take a badly paid job and be thought of as scum or they can have a lot of sex and pay vast sums to the treasury in the shape of fags and booze and still not be found up to scratch. I suppose the 'three different fathers' are the best of the bunch as they don't come in for a word of criticism. Perhaps the promiscuous tramp got herself pregnant!

Mind you he's not a total snob.......

'not all people on estates are promiscuous tramps...they could also be drug addicts, criminals or just plain lazy. But seriously, anyone still living on an estate or in reneted council property must at the least be a pretty unmotivated sort of person, what with the right to buy in existence and so on'

What is this bloody obsession with home ownership? There are any number of reasons one might choose to rent rather than buy. To be able to travel at short notice for work or be self-employed and averse to paying the extortionate interest rates charged by lenders for loans and mortgages to sole traders. 'A poor risk' I recall from my banking days.

My grandparents all worked a hell of a lot harder than I've ever had to and for far less. In fact some of them even did a spot of cleaning because it offered flexible hours whilst them fulfilling their family obligations and not a home owner amongst them. And they all knew how to spell 'rented' despite being 'lazy'.

One wonders if this fellow has actually been on a council estate or if he's just read about one in the Daily Mail. I wouldn't mind but I expect he'd be the first to throw a hissy fit if someone laid into the middle or upper classes in such a poisonous way.

Cheers

Being Scottish is harder than it looks

Hello,
Firstly I have terrible news of one of our English slaves getting uppity and failing to treat his Scottish masters with the respect we undoubtedly deserve. I must say it is ace being Scottish these days. I rise at about 12 kick my English butler up the arse and demand he makes me breakfast. Around one I have my giro delivered by courier which I spend on booze and trinkets before calling up Gordon Brown and asking him to crack the whip a little harder and send me another cheque.

I usually go for a stroll about 2pm, pausing only to wipe my feet on a freshly slaughtered English tax payer to avoid getting the new golden paving stones dirty. I usually swan up to my local hospital and request my diamond and ruby encrusted personal suite of rooms where I recline to ease the terrible pressures that come from occupying and enslaving the neighbours. It is around this time that I max out my credit cards before sending them to a random address in England for full settlement. Poor old fair minded England -60 million souls quivering under the mighty force of 5 million devious layabouts.

Cheerio

UPDATE: It's worse than I thought. They're in some sort of morris-dancing frenzy and have petitioned the PM to 'get rid of Scotland'. One would have thought a campaign to free the English slaves would have been sufficient. Evidently not, I shall keep you posted on the progress of my physical elimination! Mind you the jokes are fucking hil-ar-ious.

Another harmless pastime jumps on the cancer bandwagon.

Hello,
I'll bet there was rejoicing throughout the offices of the Daily Mail when this depressing bit of news turned up.

Cheerio

Oh Dear Our Terry Is Very Cross!

Hello,
Our Tel is in an awful mood. I reckon it could be rabies or his totalitarian instincts coming to the surface.

'The blog sites ought to be looked at with a view to cleaning these diseased individuals out. Why should they be allowed to get away with the kind of opinions and language which would get them locked up if they said these things in the street ? The language they use would make decent people shun them, read some of it and ask yourself if you would want any of them near you, or your family.' Terry Kelly 10/05/07

Locked up for Terry mocking. Good God! The whole nation would be jailed. He doesn't really get democracy does he?

More here, here, here and here.

UPDATE: What in God's name is this?

Cheerio

We Have A Winner!

Hello,
Whilst I have been most entertained at your accusations, there can only be one winner. Ladies and gentleman I give you Councillor Terry Kelly;

'Clarewil is a twisted bitter person for some reason, I shudder to think what could make a person turn out like her.'

The cheeky fat bastard.

A Competition!

Hello,
As my regular readers may be aware I have been accused of some rather peculiar things recently, being a Nazi, a slag, stalking a famous internet stalker, sending Terry Kelly hate mail and now being obsessed with urinals.

Inspired by this surprising turn of events I'd like to throw open my box to the world's wackiest accusations!

The rules are they must be directed at me and have no evidence whatsoever to support them. It'll be fun like being a derranged old nutbag far a day.

Cheerio

Clairwil Is Tempted By An Obvious Con!

Hello,
As I mentioned a while back I have another blog to keep track of my attempts to earn a living without doing very much or leaving the house. Anyway I was just completing a post on the 'most watched' items on eBay when I came across this auction .

Obviously I'm suspicious but I must shamefully admit to being tempted. As time goes by I grow more amazed than ever that I've never fallen for one of those email scams. To return to the suspicious auction if I may. What is this 'historical event' they are banging on about?

'Every once in a while, world events combine to create situations that will generate billions of dollars from virtually thin air, (it only happened twice in the 20th century).'

Money from thin air! When did this happen? I can think of many instances of money disappearing into thin air during the course of the 20th century but didn't it turn up in odd places like Robert Maxwell's pocket, if ever?

I feel like I'm in Jack and The Beanstalk or something. Can anyone enlighten me on the precise nature of this scam? Apparently the 'big players' know all about it. Are any of them reading? Would any of them mind giving this 'little player' an explanation of this extraordinary item or even a small hint?

No wonder it's one of the most watched items on eBay, I can't take my eyes of the bloody thing. The girls in the picture look too sweet to be wholesome. It's a honey trap and no mistake.

I demand answers.

I Can Heal The Sick

Hello,
Until I read this I thought I'd never be amazed at the outlandish claims made by a politician again, you know the type of thing I mean, the NHS is having it's best year ever and so on.

Anyway it would appear that President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia is something of a one man health service. Believe me I really wish I was making this up but I'm not. He reckons that he can cure HIV, AIDS, asthma using secret herbs. To be fair I have no proof that he can't. I may be doing the man a huge disservice, though I suspect if the big pharmaceutical companies believed he had discovered such an inexpensive cure, they would shoot him, patent the secret herbs and flog them at an enormous profit.

I have to say I've always been half expecting Tony Blair to make an outrageous claim of that nature. There's just something about him, like he's tried to walk on water down the public baths when he thinks no-one's looking. Perhaps he's waiting until he's in the witness box before demonstrating his magic powers. Not that I am for a second implying that these magic powers would extend to anything as underhand as convenient memory loss or disappearing evidence.

Can you imagine Blair in court, the halting delivery, the wounded expression? Oh go on, it'd make a stone laugh. If I were the judge I'd take a firm line with the blighter. Allowing him to do his 'pausing' trick will only lead to the trial lasting for decades. Think of the expense! Incidentally does anyone know what that pausing thing is meant to achieve? To me it looks like the signals between his mouth and his brain keep getting interrupted. Faulty wiring of some sort I expect.

Later I may post a tale of mayhem in a pie factory. I'm not making that up either.

Cheerio