Hello,
Firstly I have terrible news of one of our English slaves getting uppity and failing to treat his Scottish masters with the respect we undoubtedly deserve. I must say it is ace being Scottish these days. I rise at about 12 kick my English butler up the arse and demand he makes me breakfast. Around one I have my giro delivered by courier which I spend on booze and trinkets before calling up Gordon Brown and asking him to crack the whip a little harder and send me another cheque.
I usually go for a stroll about 2pm, pausing only to wipe my feet on a freshly slaughtered English tax payer to avoid getting the new golden paving stones dirty. I usually swan up to my local hospital and request my diamond and ruby encrusted personal suite of rooms where I recline to ease the terrible pressures that come from occupying and enslaving the neighbours. It is around this time that I max out my credit cards before sending them to a random address in England for full settlement. Poor old fair minded England -60 million souls quivering under the mighty force of 5 million devious layabouts.
Cheerio
UPDATE: It's worse than I thought. They're in some sort of morris-dancing frenzy and have petitioned the PM to 'get rid of Scotland'. One would have thought a campaign to free the English slaves would have been sufficient. Evidently not, I shall keep you posted on the progress of my physical elimination! Mind you the jokes are fucking hil-ar-ious.
Showing posts with label the awful truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the awful truth. Show all posts
5/11/2007
Oh Dear Our Terry Is Very Cross!
Hello,
Our Tel is in an awful mood. I reckon it could be rabies or his totalitarian instincts coming to the surface.
'The blog sites ought to be looked at with a view to cleaning these diseased individuals out. Why should they be allowed to get away with the kind of opinions and language which would get them locked up if they said these things in the street ? The language they use would make decent people shun them, read some of it and ask yourself if you would want any of them near you, or your family.' Terry Kelly 10/05/07
Locked up for Terry mocking. Good God! The whole nation would be jailed. He doesn't really get democracy does he?
More here, here, here and here.
UPDATE: What in God's name is this?
Cheerio
Our Tel is in an awful mood. I reckon it could be rabies or his totalitarian instincts coming to the surface.
'The blog sites ought to be looked at with a view to cleaning these diseased individuals out. Why should they be allowed to get away with the kind of opinions and language which would get them locked up if they said these things in the street ? The language they use would make decent people shun them, read some of it and ask yourself if you would want any of them near you, or your family.' Terry Kelly 10/05/07
Locked up for Terry mocking. Good God! The whole nation would be jailed. He doesn't really get democracy does he?
More here, here, here and here.
UPDATE: What in God's name is this?
Cheerio
5/06/2007
Hey Busybodies Leave Those Weans Alone.
Hello,
The next person who smugly proclaims that the parents of the abducted infant Madeleine McCann or 'Maddy' as she is presumptuously being called by the press, are to blame is getting a sore face. The last time I checked the holiday resorts of Portugal were not war zones. It seems to me perfectly reasonable to leave a child in a nearby room to eat one's dinner in peace.
In truth, I really pity the modern child. I spent most of my childhood wishing my parents would get out my face. Yet by modern standards I was neglected, spending my summers wandering about 'the field' or down the park playing football with the lads. I was also fond of camping expeditions in various neighbours gardens. Similarly snowy winters were spent hurling snowballs and sledging down 'the cliff' (now a steep set of stairs in hideous Barratt scheme). Worse than that, around the age of eight I was deemed capable of walking to school alone and since six was only walked halfway.
To which some smartarse will no doubt hold me up as an example of the pitfalls of lax parenting. All I can say is that my parents aren't to blame for me, my brother has turned out well, I'm just a genetic throwback to some earlier horror. I am a mess of my own making and in that is my defence of a balanced approach. Better to be a disaster that takes responsibility for their own mistakes than one that needs babying well into adulthood. Taking a doing for a dirty tackle when mummy is too far away to run to is a good lesson in life. One that the X-Box ruined child who must be watched is being deprived of.
Strolling in the direction of the point. It seems clear to me that there is a choice before us. We can either succumb to the fear and paranoia or we can get on with the task of decent commonsense child rearing. That means letting them off the leash from time to time, not the harsh, judgemental, parental eyes scorching their skin 24 hours a day. From the moment we are conceived we are at risk of abortion, miscarriage, still birth, accident, fatal illness and murder. Let's just concentrate on making the time children have enjoyable, whatever moral and legal right to life they may have, human evil, brutality and perversity can appear at anytime. Better to jail the perpetrator after the act than stunt whole generation for their own good, on the off chance.
Failing that do not breed and get a cat. Or become a maiden aunt as I will be, God willing, from November.
Cheerio
The next person who smugly proclaims that the parents of the abducted infant Madeleine McCann or 'Maddy' as she is presumptuously being called by the press, are to blame is getting a sore face. The last time I checked the holiday resorts of Portugal were not war zones. It seems to me perfectly reasonable to leave a child in a nearby room to eat one's dinner in peace.
In truth, I really pity the modern child. I spent most of my childhood wishing my parents would get out my face. Yet by modern standards I was neglected, spending my summers wandering about 'the field' or down the park playing football with the lads. I was also fond of camping expeditions in various neighbours gardens. Similarly snowy winters were spent hurling snowballs and sledging down 'the cliff' (now a steep set of stairs in hideous Barratt scheme). Worse than that, around the age of eight I was deemed capable of walking to school alone and since six was only walked halfway.
To which some smartarse will no doubt hold me up as an example of the pitfalls of lax parenting. All I can say is that my parents aren't to blame for me, my brother has turned out well, I'm just a genetic throwback to some earlier horror. I am a mess of my own making and in that is my defence of a balanced approach. Better to be a disaster that takes responsibility for their own mistakes than one that needs babying well into adulthood. Taking a doing for a dirty tackle when mummy is too far away to run to is a good lesson in life. One that the X-Box ruined child who must be watched is being deprived of.
Strolling in the direction of the point. It seems clear to me that there is a choice before us. We can either succumb to the fear and paranoia or we can get on with the task of decent commonsense child rearing. That means letting them off the leash from time to time, not the harsh, judgemental, parental eyes scorching their skin 24 hours a day. From the moment we are conceived we are at risk of abortion, miscarriage, still birth, accident, fatal illness and murder. Let's just concentrate on making the time children have enjoyable, whatever moral and legal right to life they may have, human evil, brutality and perversity can appear at anytime. Better to jail the perpetrator after the act than stunt whole generation for their own good, on the off chance.
Failing that do not breed and get a cat. Or become a maiden aunt as I will be, God willing, from November.
Cheerio
4/08/2007
Something Else We're Not Allowed To Do......
If you fancy dressing up as Charlie Chaplin just be careful where you do it.
2/27/2007
I just can't take my eyes off Terry Kelly....
Hello,
Once again I have been forced by circumstances outwith my control to inflict another Terry newsflash on you all. Only the other day Terry made the following 'joke' confession
'christ I'm doing it again. Having been involved in corrupt Labour politics for 40 yrs. I'm already rich, I don't need the money I've stolen enough, so I'm retiring, now crawl back under your stone.'
At least I thought he was joking as you know I always try to think the best of people. Then my attention was drawn to this shocking tale of....oh dear....erm... how can I put this -Labour corruption on Renfrewshire council. Laugh? I very nearly danced. There's even going to be a criminal investigation!
There is of course no evidence at all that our Terry is involved but how unfortunate to make a joke about Labour corruption, then to have this come out. Poor Terry he must be feeling very let down by his colleagues.
Why can't I stop laughing?
Cheerio
Once again I have been forced by circumstances outwith my control to inflict another Terry newsflash on you all. Only the other day Terry made the following 'joke' confession
'christ I'm doing it again. Having been involved in corrupt Labour politics for 40 yrs. I'm already rich, I don't need the money I've stolen enough, so I'm retiring, now crawl back under your stone.'
At least I thought he was joking as you know I always try to think the best of people. Then my attention was drawn to this shocking tale of....oh dear....erm... how can I put this -Labour corruption on Renfrewshire council. Laugh? I very nearly danced. There's even going to be a criminal investigation!
There is of course no evidence at all that our Terry is involved but how unfortunate to make a joke about Labour corruption, then to have this come out. Poor Terry he must be feeling very let down by his colleagues.
Why can't I stop laughing?
Cheerio
2/26/2007
Be Careful What You Wish For
'There is a hole that pierces right through me.'- Euripides, Medea
Hello,
A while back I put in a cosmic order for more blog traffic which was immediately granted. However things started to go wrong from the word go. I was so excited by this unexpected bitty of good luck that I tried to tell everyone on a cosmic ordering forum about it which led to me getting a row in German. I don't know if you've ever had a row in German and it may just be because I don't speak the language but it made me feel really small and quite frightened. Like being shouted at by a maths teacher only worse.
Anyway the increased traffic continued and today has been my highest day ever. I really do hate to seem ungrateful but no-one is coming here to read about me and my pearls of wisdom. They're all after bestladies4u.com.
As long term readers are aware I am obsessed to the point of madness with hits but will all this is a bit of a slap in the face. When I wished for increased traffic what I meant was more fans, not a bunch of creeps looking for mail order brides. It's fair to say that I'm feeling unloved.
It's bloody lonely at the top you know.
Cheerio*
*If anyone is actually reading.
Hello,
A while back I put in a cosmic order for more blog traffic which was immediately granted. However things started to go wrong from the word go. I was so excited by this unexpected bitty of good luck that I tried to tell everyone on a cosmic ordering forum about it which led to me getting a row in German. I don't know if you've ever had a row in German and it may just be because I don't speak the language but it made me feel really small and quite frightened. Like being shouted at by a maths teacher only worse.
Anyway the increased traffic continued and today has been my highest day ever. I really do hate to seem ungrateful but no-one is coming here to read about me and my pearls of wisdom. They're all after bestladies4u.com.
As long term readers are aware I am obsessed to the point of madness with hits but will all this is a bit of a slap in the face. When I wished for increased traffic what I meant was more fans, not a bunch of creeps looking for mail order brides. It's fair to say that I'm feeling unloved.
It's bloody lonely at the top you know.
Cheerio*
*If anyone is actually reading.
1/28/2007
A Ponder On The Nature Of Friendship
Hello,
A few weeks back I got an e-mail from a reader of my blog desperate enough to ask me for help. Happily their crisis has passed and remarkably they reckon I was of some help. Before anyone starts I did ask their permission to talk about this. In any case this post is about me, more than anything else.
Anyway during the course of our correspondence they asked me how many friends I had. To which I cunningly replied define friends. They sneakily asked me how I define friends and how many people fit that description. Bah! A low score follows.
Well I hummed and hawed. I know a lot of people. I'm friendly with most of them but who is a friend? Being a big fan of the actions speak louder than words way of thinking. I set to thinking about who I could call in an awful state at five in the morning and expect to help me and arrived at the grand score of one. So I took that to mean that I have one close friend. Indeed during my own crisis earlier this week this person proved themselves in ways I couldn't have predicted. It's rather humbling when someone offers you help that will cost them dearly, really more than they can afford.
I moved on to people who would accept me (however grudgingly) as a friend no matter what I did and arrived at two.
As for the rest. They include many lovely people but are more properly described as acquaintances. That said many of them have proved themselves as decent, caring, thoughtful
people over the last week. Thanks to all of you for failing to humour me. I'm forever in your debt.
Fair weather friends really aren't worth the flesh they're made of. Time to edit the diary I think.
Bye Bye
A few weeks back I got an e-mail from a reader of my blog desperate enough to ask me for help. Happily their crisis has passed and remarkably they reckon I was of some help. Before anyone starts I did ask their permission to talk about this. In any case this post is about me, more than anything else.
Anyway during the course of our correspondence they asked me how many friends I had. To which I cunningly replied define friends. They sneakily asked me how I define friends and how many people fit that description. Bah! A low score follows.
Well I hummed and hawed. I know a lot of people. I'm friendly with most of them but who is a friend? Being a big fan of the actions speak louder than words way of thinking. I set to thinking about who I could call in an awful state at five in the morning and expect to help me and arrived at the grand score of one. So I took that to mean that I have one close friend. Indeed during my own crisis earlier this week this person proved themselves in ways I couldn't have predicted. It's rather humbling when someone offers you help that will cost them dearly, really more than they can afford.
I moved on to people who would accept me (however grudgingly) as a friend no matter what I did and arrived at two.
As for the rest. They include many lovely people but are more properly described as acquaintances. That said many of them have proved themselves as decent, caring, thoughtful
people over the last week. Thanks to all of you for failing to humour me. I'm forever in your debt.
Fair weather friends really aren't worth the flesh they're made of. Time to edit the diary I think.
Bye Bye
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