Hello,
Like many members of the 'lady community' I have been orphaned by the tragic demise of Marie Claire. I am aware it's still limping on but a cursory glance at the contents leaves one wondering why it bothers.
For the last couple of years I've been in search of a suitable replacement but it's as if the last people on earth who still take Madonna seriously have got together and entered a competition to see who can run the dullest magazine possible.
Anyway I've been hearing wonderful things about Scarlet Magazine which purports to be some sort of erotic periodical for ladies. Do not be taken in. Whilst all glossy magazines carry a lot of advertising this rag is about 95% advertising and none of it very interesting. Worse still any article that promises to be interesting is confined to one side of a single page. It's as if they fear entertaining the reader.
There is a section of 'erotic' literature or 'Cliterature' as they're calling it. A woman gets locked in a chastity belt in one of the stories, I couldn't be arsed reading on to see if she gets out. The one about the 'frantic sun lounger' is a big bore as well. I'm not really sure who all this tedium is aimed at. People who want to appear to be interested in sex perhaps?
Mind you the sex tips were good for a laugh, there are, you will be surprised to hear sixty-nine of them. Most too dull to repeat but I shall leave you with a few of my favourites on the condition that you don't hold me responsible for the consequences should you be silly enough to try them.
1. 'Suffering from wrist-ache during hand jobs? Try bagpiping as an alternative.'
2. 'Buy a Skype phone'
3. 'During masturbation use your spare hand to pull your hair'
4. 'Cut up bin liners, place them all over the floor and have a naked cream fight.'
5. 'Refuse whenever you want to.'
6. 'Cover your body in lube and play catch'
7. ' Borrow a pair of your mans boxers and masterbate in front of him.'
8. 'For convenient watersports use the bath'
9. 'A fly-swatter delivers a playful sting to the buttocks.'
By now I'm sure you are as bewildered as I am. Good Lord Mr Clairwil would hit the roof if I peed in his bath, especially if he happened to be in it at the time. Bear with me for what I think is quite possibly the worst sex tip ever printed. It's the sort of thing I'd do to someone I was about to chuck. For sheer cock-teasing cruelty it takes some beating and exposes the author as a dishonest prude who should be confined to a convent before someone explodes.
10. '.....enlist a broadminded friend and kiss her in front of him, on the condition that later when you're both alone together, he verbally completes the scenario, sharing with you the fantasy of what could have happened next.'
Hahaha! Of course in a just and sensible world the chap and the broadminded friend would go off together and leave the tease to pull the wings off flies. For the love of God! What's in next weeks 'pretend you've won the lottery and get your man to describe in detail what he plans to do with his share of the cash before telling him it's all a hoax?'
Scarlet -can't read it for the articles, can't read it for the sex and there's not even a free gift. Avoid like a salesman.
Showing posts with label thecheek of it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thecheek of it. Show all posts
8/14/2007
8/06/2007
When Celebrities Go Wrong.....
Hello,
Unlike virtually everyone else on the planet I'm rather fond of Courtney Love , so you will imagine my delight when a spotted an old copy of Grazia magazine lying around the office with good old Courtney on the cover.
As the other ladies sat chatting about interest rates I got stuck into tales of ......a seven hundred calorie a day diet. Oh dear God. I've nothing against diets mind I go on them all time. Recently I was on one which involved eating crisps to see what happened -you get fat I wouldn't bother. At present I'm on one to get back to the way I was before the crisps. It's going very well since you ask.
I cannot get all that worked up about thin famous folk after all no-one likes to look like a porker in a photo except Dawn French but she's just trying to be funny. Ignore her and she'll go away. Anyway what irked me about Ms Love's diet other than the 700 calories and getting the housekeeper to lock the fridge, was the reason she went on it. Nothing as reasonable as good old vanity or as dull as health. Apparently she was quite happy as a size 12 but designers kept sending her clothes in a smaller size to wear on the 'red carpet'.
Now personally if some some upstart dressmaker was begging me to act as a free advert for them I'd be dictating terms and my chief requirement would be that they send something in the proper bloody size. I would not go on a sodding diet for their convenience, in fact I'd probably start eating crisps or designers. In fact I'd get 'my people' to get on the phone to 'their people' and start issuing death threats.
I'll bet the designers don't respect her any more for it. Look at tubby old Elton John wobbling about in Versace. Gianni Versace thought he was top notch and if there is an afterlife I'm quite certain he remains a fan. Now imagine if Elton John had gone on a silly diet. All Versace would have done is keep selling him smaller clothes until he started cutting off limbs all the better to get into the kids range.
Anyway I shall leave with some footage of the good old days when Courtney didn't mind wearing clothes a few sizes too small or scaring poor Madonna senseless.
Cheerio
7/01/2007
Terror Attacks Cause Outbreak Of Drivel On The Web!
Hello,
I have been following the coverage of the terror attack at Glasgow Airport with some interest. Against my better judgement I took a trip over to the BBC news 'Have Your Say' bit. Oh Lord! There are times when I think free speech is a terrible error. Then I think again and conclude that if everyone else is going to talk total nonsense who am I to swim against the tide?
First up we have people attempting to get to the root cause of why the airport was attacked. Quite frankly I think someone in authority should take these 'experts' at their word and send them to Guantanamo Bay for having a suspicious level of insider knowledge. I realise that's a bit unfair given that they're talking frightful rot but it's better than them being allowed to air their views and mislead impressionable children and other vulnerable people.
A popular explanation is of course the Iraq War. Quite why someone who felt that way would attack a country which has just elected a devolved government that are vocal opponents of the Iraq war is not explained or I suspect given any consideration. Something of an own goal for the terrorists there I'd have thought, if they were in a tizzy about Iraq.
Whilst I believe that situations like the Iraq War and so on don't do recruitment to terrorist organisations any harm at all they are not the root cause of Islamist terror. There are times when I'm tempted to start supporting the war in Iraq to distance myself from 'Iraq bores'. Honestly if I were to mention that the telly was a bit dull last night I wouldn't be surprised if someone responded well of course what do you expect when we've killed all those poor Iraqis.
There are loads of folk with solutions to the problem. Like ID cards. Saints preserve us. Asylum Seekers are presently obliged to carry ID cards and it doesn't appear to have had much bearing on terrorism prevention in the UK. In any case, is someone mad enough to set fire to themselves likely to be deterred by someone knowing who they are? I cannot see many future terror plots being abandoned with the words 'drat those infidels and their ID cards'.
The deport everyone brigade are out in full. Quite how this would sort out homegrown terrorists is unclear. What do they expect the government to do? Approach some Muslim country and explain 'we're having a spot of trouble with some Islamist terrorists and we thought with you being Muslims you wouldn't mind importing a selection of violent British nutters'. Somehow I can't see that one working. If someone who isn't British presents a threat to public safety then jail them and boot them out and the end of their sentence however it's not going to eliminate the threat.
Then we have some tosser moaning about Alex Salmond making a statement. Good Lord the way that Salmond carries on you'd think he was First Minister and Scotland had been attacked! That's all we need an uppity Scot getting narked and sticking his beak into matters that don't concern him. He'll only get it wrong and break things.
I think my favourite comment was by 'Claire'. 'I am 22 years old and should not feel unsafe in my own country'. What does being 22 have to do with it you bloody fool? Why she didn't just write 'I am a pampered halfwit who descends into a footstamping hissy fit each time the world shows itself to be less than perfect' and have done with it I don't know. Six months in Iraq would sort her out. As if being 22 grants one the right to special protection!
An improbably named gentleman, one 'Mr Buttomungous' claims to have seen four chaps acting suspiciously in a Silver Mercedes last autumn. However he didn't report this or anything sensible like that in case someone thought he was a racist. I think that is quite the silliest thing ever said by any human being anywhere. Why would anyone publicly confess to finding the though of an accusation of racism as being worse than failure to report a potential terrorist attack?
Mind you abuse of the right of free speech is nothing to the abuse of the English language on that board. It's a well known fact that English is the worlds greatest language, I myself refuse to speak any other, even when overseas. I rather fancy the foreigners enjoy the challenge, in any case I always get my egg and chips. To return to the BBC website, if I find people communicating with grunts and fire in the next couple of hours I won't raise so much as an eyebrow in surprise. Instead I shall draw some stick men and jump up and down.
Finally would you all think less of me if I confess to feeling a warm glow at living in a city with citizens mad and heroic enough to punch out a psyched up burning terrorist? The only thing that would have made me happier would be if they'd beaten him with Irn Bru bottles pausing only to light a fag off the flames.
Cheerio
I have been following the coverage of the terror attack at Glasgow Airport with some interest. Against my better judgement I took a trip over to the BBC news 'Have Your Say' bit. Oh Lord! There are times when I think free speech is a terrible error. Then I think again and conclude that if everyone else is going to talk total nonsense who am I to swim against the tide?
First up we have people attempting to get to the root cause of why the airport was attacked. Quite frankly I think someone in authority should take these 'experts' at their word and send them to Guantanamo Bay for having a suspicious level of insider knowledge. I realise that's a bit unfair given that they're talking frightful rot but it's better than them being allowed to air their views and mislead impressionable children and other vulnerable people.
A popular explanation is of course the Iraq War. Quite why someone who felt that way would attack a country which has just elected a devolved government that are vocal opponents of the Iraq war is not explained or I suspect given any consideration. Something of an own goal for the terrorists there I'd have thought, if they were in a tizzy about Iraq.
Whilst I believe that situations like the Iraq War and so on don't do recruitment to terrorist organisations any harm at all they are not the root cause of Islamist terror. There are times when I'm tempted to start supporting the war in Iraq to distance myself from 'Iraq bores'. Honestly if I were to mention that the telly was a bit dull last night I wouldn't be surprised if someone responded well of course what do you expect when we've killed all those poor Iraqis.
There are loads of folk with solutions to the problem. Like ID cards. Saints preserve us. Asylum Seekers are presently obliged to carry ID cards and it doesn't appear to have had much bearing on terrorism prevention in the UK. In any case, is someone mad enough to set fire to themselves likely to be deterred by someone knowing who they are? I cannot see many future terror plots being abandoned with the words 'drat those infidels and their ID cards'.
The deport everyone brigade are out in full. Quite how this would sort out homegrown terrorists is unclear. What do they expect the government to do? Approach some Muslim country and explain 'we're having a spot of trouble with some Islamist terrorists and we thought with you being Muslims you wouldn't mind importing a selection of violent British nutters'. Somehow I can't see that one working. If someone who isn't British presents a threat to public safety then jail them and boot them out and the end of their sentence however it's not going to eliminate the threat.
Then we have some tosser moaning about Alex Salmond making a statement. Good Lord the way that Salmond carries on you'd think he was First Minister and Scotland had been attacked! That's all we need an uppity Scot getting narked and sticking his beak into matters that don't concern him. He'll only get it wrong and break things.
I think my favourite comment was by 'Claire'. 'I am 22 years old and should not feel unsafe in my own country'. What does being 22 have to do with it you bloody fool? Why she didn't just write 'I am a pampered halfwit who descends into a footstamping hissy fit each time the world shows itself to be less than perfect' and have done with it I don't know. Six months in Iraq would sort her out. As if being 22 grants one the right to special protection!
An improbably named gentleman, one 'Mr Buttomungous' claims to have seen four chaps acting suspiciously in a Silver Mercedes last autumn. However he didn't report this or anything sensible like that in case someone thought he was a racist. I think that is quite the silliest thing ever said by any human being anywhere. Why would anyone publicly confess to finding the though of an accusation of racism as being worse than failure to report a potential terrorist attack?
Mind you abuse of the right of free speech is nothing to the abuse of the English language on that board. It's a well known fact that English is the worlds greatest language, I myself refuse to speak any other, even when overseas. I rather fancy the foreigners enjoy the challenge, in any case I always get my egg and chips. To return to the BBC website, if I find people communicating with grunts and fire in the next couple of hours I won't raise so much as an eyebrow in surprise. Instead I shall draw some stick men and jump up and down.
Finally would you all think less of me if I confess to feeling a warm glow at living in a city with citizens mad and heroic enough to punch out a psyched up burning terrorist? The only thing that would have made me happier would be if they'd beaten him with Irn Bru bottles pausing only to light a fag off the flames.
Cheerio
5/11/2007
Oh Dear Our Terry Is Very Cross!
Hello,
Our Tel is in an awful mood. I reckon it could be rabies or his totalitarian instincts coming to the surface.
'The blog sites ought to be looked at with a view to cleaning these diseased individuals out. Why should they be allowed to get away with the kind of opinions and language which would get them locked up if they said these things in the street ? The language they use would make decent people shun them, read some of it and ask yourself if you would want any of them near you, or your family.' Terry Kelly 10/05/07
Locked up for Terry mocking. Good God! The whole nation would be jailed. He doesn't really get democracy does he?
More here, here, here and here.
UPDATE: What in God's name is this?
Cheerio
Our Tel is in an awful mood. I reckon it could be rabies or his totalitarian instincts coming to the surface.
'The blog sites ought to be looked at with a view to cleaning these diseased individuals out. Why should they be allowed to get away with the kind of opinions and language which would get them locked up if they said these things in the street ? The language they use would make decent people shun them, read some of it and ask yourself if you would want any of them near you, or your family.' Terry Kelly 10/05/07
Locked up for Terry mocking. Good God! The whole nation would be jailed. He doesn't really get democracy does he?
More here, here, here and here.
UPDATE: What in God's name is this?
Cheerio
4/21/2007
It would appear I am controversial......
'looks like some sort of wierdo undercover racist shit..braindead crap anyway thats for sure'- tim
'i can spot a nazi troll when i see you, with racist shit like this post your home address,and you will find out soon enough what happens to nazis' -af
Hello,
The people quoted above sound hopping mad don't they? Poor 'af' is so mad he's threatening to go round to a woman's house and assault her! But who can they be talking about? Well believe it or not -it's little me!
There is worse, in that people have tried to 'engage' with me to prevent me from invading Poland. You may well be wondering what could have provoked them. Well so am I really. Do you see why I'm no longer involved in politics? Stuff like this always happens.
My downfall began when I posted an article to popular Asian run blog Pickled Politics. We all had a jolly debate and that was that or so I thought. Someone without asking, stole my article and put it up on Indymedia as a post. The black arts will be employed in revenge.
Anyway if 'af' is reading. I'm not going to put my details up on a public forum but if you'd like to email me I'd be happy to meet up and show you in person exactly how I respond to misogynistic little creeps that get their jollies threatening women. Dressing it up as opposing racism doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Tim, please make use of your spellchecker. You're worse than the Stormfront nutters.
Oh and for the person who sent the 'nazi bitch' email, I'm about as scared of you as I am of 'af', though all things considered I'd prefer it if you kept your violent sexual fantasies to yourself. Do your chums on 'the frontline' realise you harbour such bizarre thoughts about 'shit dropping bnp slags' getting their 'wombs ripped out'?
Cheerio
'i can spot a nazi troll when i see you, with racist shit like this post your home address,and you will find out soon enough what happens to nazis' -af
Hello,
The people quoted above sound hopping mad don't they? Poor 'af' is so mad he's threatening to go round to a woman's house and assault her! But who can they be talking about? Well believe it or not -it's little me!
There is worse, in that people have tried to 'engage' with me to prevent me from invading Poland. You may well be wondering what could have provoked them. Well so am I really. Do you see why I'm no longer involved in politics? Stuff like this always happens.
My downfall began when I posted an article to popular Asian run blog Pickled Politics. We all had a jolly debate and that was that or so I thought. Someone without asking, stole my article and put it up on Indymedia as a post. The black arts will be employed in revenge.
Anyway if 'af' is reading. I'm not going to put my details up on a public forum but if you'd like to email me I'd be happy to meet up and show you in person exactly how I respond to misogynistic little creeps that get their jollies threatening women. Dressing it up as opposing racism doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Tim, please make use of your spellchecker. You're worse than the Stormfront nutters.
Oh and for the person who sent the 'nazi bitch' email, I'm about as scared of you as I am of 'af', though all things considered I'd prefer it if you kept your violent sexual fantasies to yourself. Do your chums on 'the frontline' realise you harbour such bizarre thoughts about 'shit dropping bnp slags' getting their 'wombs ripped out'?
Cheerio
4/08/2007
Something Else We're Not Allowed To Do......
If you fancy dressing up as Charlie Chaplin just be careful where you do it.
4/07/2007
Are They All On Drugs?
That's it. That is the fucking limit. It was only a matter of time before the government sent me 100% batshit fucking doolally mental. For the love of God what is wrong with them? I'm just looking out the window and daily life is going on as normal. What's wrong? Why aren't there riots? A revolution? We are being governed by cunting robots? They must be stopped.
I was just over at Tom Tylers blog when I chanced upon this cracker from Patrica Hewitt commenting on the British sailors taken hostage in Iran;
"It was deplorable that the woman hostage should be shown smoking. This sends completely the wrong message to our young people."
It's extraordinary, almost unbelievable. A member of the British government switches on the TV to see some British sailors taken hostage by Iran and thinks 'tsk, smoking'. Exactly how much of a health Nazi does one need to be to react like that? Frankly I'm amazed she doesn't want to prosecute her for smoking in the workplace.
I despair.
Some good stuff up over at TerryWatch
I was just over at Tom Tylers blog when I chanced upon this cracker from Patrica Hewitt commenting on the British sailors taken hostage in Iran;
"It was deplorable that the woman hostage should be shown smoking. This sends completely the wrong message to our young people."
It's extraordinary, almost unbelievable. A member of the British government switches on the TV to see some British sailors taken hostage by Iran and thinks 'tsk, smoking'. Exactly how much of a health Nazi does one need to be to react like that? Frankly I'm amazed she doesn't want to prosecute her for smoking in the workplace.
I despair.
Some good stuff up over at TerryWatch
3/02/2007
A Call To Spam.
Hello,
I'm being inundated with sodding emails from people that want to do business with me. This fellow in paticular is really getting on my tits. Please bury him in under a storm of spam by signing him up for everything. Forward all your spam to him, torment him, offer him deals but whatever misuse of his email address you decide on, just ensure that it's evil and gets him off my back. That'll learn him.
Cheerio
I'm being inundated with sodding emails from people that want to do business with me. This fellow in paticular is really getting on my tits. Please bury him in under a storm of spam by signing him up for everything. Forward all your spam to him, torment him, offer him deals but whatever misuse of his email address you decide on, just ensure that it's evil and gets him off my back. That'll learn him.
Cheerio
2/16/2007
Terry Kelly Newsflash
Hello,
I know I said I wasn't going to do another Terrywatch post until next month and I'm not going to. In the meantime look what he's saying about me:
'Do I think smearing critics makes them wrong' answer no. I can't believe I'm answering this drivel, you are just so bloody awful and thick that I've got to spell everything out.
Bloody awful and thick! The cheek of him.
In the same thread he also accuses a fellow blogger of being unfit to work with children. It is Terry at his finest.
I know I said I wasn't going to do another Terrywatch post until next month and I'm not going to. In the meantime look what he's saying about me:
'Do I think smearing critics makes them wrong' answer no. I can't believe I'm answering this drivel, you are just so bloody awful and thick that I've got to spell everything out.
Bloody awful and thick! The cheek of him.
In the same thread he also accuses a fellow blogger of being unfit to work with children. It is Terry at his finest.
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