Stop Laughing!

Hello,
As a young pup I was forever getting into trouble for laughing at things. My Modern Studies teacher* was the worst for it -there I'd be having a pleasant chuckle with one of my chums when he'd butt in without so much as an apology and go off on one about how I wouldn't find it funny when I failed my exams. Twit! What I did find fucking hilarious was showing him my certificate with a big 'A' pass on it and telling him I had only done half an hours study the night before the exam. Exams are a doddle -it was bloody continuous assessment that did for me until I learned how to play the system.

I've never understood this madness governments have about exam results. Passing exams proves nothing much at all and as far as I can tell results in bewildered graduates cluttering up call centres muttering about having a degree and looking down on their fellow workers who got in to the call centre racket without so much as a single O Grade. Imagine wasting all that time doing a degree to get a job that doesn't require qualifications!

Still to return to the point, it is an awkward thing but once someone tells you to stop laughing it is physically impossible to do so, especially if they tell you to stop laughing at them. 'Stop laughing at me' is comedy gold-without doubt the funniest phrase in spoken English.

Which is why I can't help thinking that President Zardari is making a terrible error by trying to stop the good folk of his country having a cheeky Pakistani chuckle at his expense. Obviously he didn't say it in English but laughing at politicians is a pastime that transcends borders and language. Of course I'd like to think he just done it to encourage more chuckling in Pakistan and is nobly sacrificing himself as a laughter lamb in the cause of increasing the gaiety of the nation. However I suspect he's probably just a humourless git with totalitarian tendencies. Boo! Hiss!to him.

I just hope Brown doesn't go getting any ideas, though people don't really laugh at Brown much do they. It's more baffled despair than giggles these days isn't it? Still one never knows what Brown is thinking so keep your eyes peeled for any anti-joke legislation in the offing. In the event that Brown is looking abroad for inspiration can I commend to him the fine example laid down for the guidance of leaders everywhere by good old Berlusconi? He's great isn't he? Well politically and ethically he's dubious but when it comes down to it everyone loves a shagger unless they're a boring puritan with a mouth like a cats puckered arse.

I loathed the last Tory government with a ferocity that bordered on homicidal but never failed to grin at their racy antics. One can never truly despise someone who's paid good money to have a call girl hurl doughnuts at his willy, been spanked with a slipper or interfered with wearing nowt but a football strip and a smile. The glory days of the Back to Basics campaign were some of my happiest. Everyday another one would be caught sans breeks. It fair took the edge the misery they were causing at the time.

To that end I think Brown should become a sexual deviant of some sort and take up with the newly single Jordan. It probably wouldn't do much to GDP or whatever boring statistics we're all enslaved by these days by twits who labour under the misapprehension that anything that doesn't turn a coin is inherently evil but think what a surprise it would be. It'd be a hoot, an absolute hoot -probably the biggest hoot of all time. You really would remember where you were for the rest of your days when you found out Brown was stirring Andre's porridge.

As I pootle about my bit of the world I cannot help but notice there is a big cloud of misery hanging over people who follow current affairs. In contrast people who never read a thing and greet the arrival of the evening news bulletin with a 'quick turn over' are as happy as any sentient human can be. I don't hold with not being interested in politics-if they're docking my wages I want to know what they're up to. A good shagging scandal brings us all together in a collective 'Good Lord'. The economy is a joke, no-one can find work that needs it, we're the most bossed about democratic nation on earth and despite the best efforts of workers our public services are a mess. It's only going to get worse under the next lot unless you're minted.

In other words there's not a lot to smile about politically and Brown as the man in charge has a duty to perk us all up by doing something human and gossipworthy. It worked for Clinton**what did he ever do but bomb asprin factories, Iraq and fail to deliver on healthcare reform, gays in the military and so on, yet everyone loves him because he's a shagger.



Cheerio


*Not nice Mr Miller but that simpering proto Blairite careerist cunt MacGregor.

** I once met 'that woman' Miss Lewinsky at a book signing, her's not mine and she's a beauty- in particular her hair, eyes and skin. In all my life I've never seen anyone in the flesh with such beautiful creamy white skin. I was an remain slightly in love and awe. Clinton was lucky to get within spitting distance really.

Sex For Consumers

Hello,
Like many members of the 'lady community' I have been orphaned by the tragic demise of Marie Claire. I am aware it's still limping on but a cursory glance at the contents leaves one wondering why it bothers.

For the last couple of years I've been in search of a suitable replacement but it's as if the last people on earth who still take Madonna seriously have got together and entered a competition to see who can run the dullest magazine possible.

Anyway I've been hearing wonderful things about Scarlet Magazine which purports to be some sort of erotic periodical for ladies. Do not be taken in. Whilst all glossy magazines carry a lot of advertising this rag is about 95% advertising and none of it very interesting. Worse still any article that promises to be interesting is confined to one side of a single page. It's as if they fear entertaining the reader.

There is a section of 'erotic' literature or 'Cliterature' as they're calling it. A woman gets locked in a chastity belt in one of the stories, I couldn't be arsed reading on to see if she gets out. The one about the 'frantic sun lounger' is a big bore as well. I'm not really sure who all this tedium is aimed at. People who want to appear to be interested in sex perhaps?

Mind you the sex tips were good for a laugh, there are, you will be surprised to hear sixty-nine of them. Most too dull to repeat but I shall leave you with a few of my favourites on the condition that you don't hold me responsible for the consequences should you be silly enough to try them.

1. 'Suffering from wrist-ache during hand jobs? Try bagpiping as an alternative.'
2. 'Buy a Skype phone'
3. 'During masturbation use your spare hand to pull your hair'
4. 'Cut up bin liners, place them all over the floor and have a naked cream fight.'
5. 'Refuse whenever you want to.'
6. 'Cover your body in lube and play catch'
7. ' Borrow a pair of your mans boxers and masterbate in front of him.'
8. 'For convenient watersports use the bath'
9. 'A fly-swatter delivers a playful sting to the buttocks.'

By now I'm sure you are as bewildered as I am. Good Lord Mr Clairwil would hit the roof if I peed in his bath, especially if he happened to be in it at the time. Bear with me for what I think is quite possibly the worst sex tip ever printed. It's the sort of thing I'd do to someone I was about to chuck. For sheer cock-teasing cruelty it takes some beating and exposes the author as a dishonest prude who should be confined to a convent before someone explodes.

10. '.....enlist a broadminded friend and kiss her in front of him, on the condition that later when you're both alone together, he verbally completes the scenario, sharing with you the fantasy of what could have happened next.'

Hahaha! Of course in a just and sensible world the chap and the broadminded friend would go off together and leave the tease to pull the wings off flies. For the love of God! What's in next weeks 'pretend you've won the lottery and get your man to describe in detail what he plans to do with his share of the cash before telling him it's all a hoax?'

Scarlet -can't read it for the articles, can't read it for the sex and there's not even a free gift. Avoid like a salesman.