Is This Real?

Hello,
It has to be said I have very mixed feelings about vandalism. On the one hand I disapprove of destroying public or private property for one's personal amusement but on the other it can on occasion be quite funny. Nevertheless it is illegal so I accept that when little Toby of Whitecraigs finds himself before the beak for his 'ghetto' antics he's got to be punished.

However I was surprised to read in today's Herald that one Gary Shields of Crookston was sentenced to 28 months in prison for his artistic endevours. He'd have been better stabbing someone really. If ever there was an offence crying out for community service or a bit of electronic tagging and a stiff fine it's this one. Oh if only I were a beak I'd have had Gary and his chums in the 'Eazy Riders' crew shackled together scrubbing walls and dislodging chewing gum for a year. I'd have fined the lot of them five grand each on top of requiring them to repay the cost of clearing up the mess they've already made and ordered them to attend literacy classes -'Eazy' indeed! In my court the little buggers would also be tagged and given a curfew to prevent them operating undercover of darkness. Oh and if they're responsible for the graffiti art pictured beside the report in the paper I'd chuck in some compulsory art classes. Honestly it's woeful.

At no point would it have occurred to me to send young Gary to Barlinnie to share a sell with a fellow sentenced to 28 months for trafficking £130,000 worth of cannabis. It's particularly absurd in this case given that trainee structural engineer Gary is an otherwise respectable fellow who was about to be be sent to university by his employer before 28 months of morning shower nerves entered the picture.

I shall spare you all my full prison reform rant suffice to say I'm on the harsh but fair wing that gets drowned out between the stick pins in their eyes and feed them gruel and the teach them to paint cats and fluff up their pillows brigades. My main beef with unduly harsh sentences is that it's taking up a place that could go to a kiddie fiddler or a proper thug. It's not fair that these people who work so hard to cause misery and distress wherever they go should be deprived of a place in prison just because some spray painting amateur is cluttering up a cell. If we as a society stop rewarding effort and hard work we'll grind to a halt and as no-one else is prepared to speak for the hard working criminal outcast the burden has fallen on my shoulders.

My other concern is that putting folk in prison who shouldn't really be there adds weight to the argument that regimes should become softer. Indeed it was the harsh treatment received by many well educated conscientious objectors during the first world war that led to the relaxation of many unduly harsh rules -not that I'm placing Gary in such illustrious company. That was fine back then because the treatment of prisoners was utterly appalling, however we're starting from a much more relaxed position these days. Quite apart from anything else the opinions of prisoners on their treatment should be an irrelevance. Unless they are calling attention to serious abuse of their basic and I emphasise basic human rights I have little interest in how they think or feel about anything. It is far easier to dismiss the bleating of a murderer about prison, an otherwise respectable vandal commands a great deal more sympathy.


As a deterrent his sentence is useless because it's too atypical to have any real impact. Making it typical does not serve the interests of society in any way. In any case how many vandals are caught in the act -judging by the epidemic of bus shelter destruction in the east end I'd guess very few. As far as I can tell efforts to clean up the city are directed at easy targets -city centre office workers dropping fag ends whilst out for a fly fag and so on. The truth is Gary was very unfortunate to be caught.

I accept that for many people graffiti creates an intimidating atmosphere but the we cannot start handing out jail sentences on the basis of people's feelings. In any case if the public regularly saw offenders cleaning up they would draw comfort from the knowledge that something is being done. Gary's sentence is a waste of public money that will achieve little but give those with an understandable desire for vengeance a few seconds victory, until of course they turn the page of their paper and see someone out on parole to ease overcrowding on trial for rape.

Cheerio

Sex For Fruit and A Strap-on In The Daily Mail

Hello,
News from the kingdom of nature reaches my ears. Apparently nowhere is safe from vice or the systematic oppression of women by the patriarchy as shouting females keep telling me I should be calling it. I am referring to the surprising revelation that lady chimpanzees have been exchanging sex for fruit. I should stress that this is sex with boy chimpanzees not the pervy boffins that have been spying on the chimps romps.

I can't help but think this information could be of use to the government in it's endless campaign to make us eat our five a day. Perhaps they might consider me for the position of 'Fucking Fruit Czar'. Mother would be so proud and it is one of my many ambitions to have a publicly funded job with a title and remit so bizarre the population rise up and overthrow the state.

Those of a nervous disposition should flee now for I bring you alarming news regarding Madonna and that clown she's married to. The Daily Mail (of all papers) informs a shocked nation that Madonna was seen carrying a 'Purple Penetrator' dildo in a see through bag. Unfortunately I have been haunted by a terrible mental image since this was put before me. Though by a strange coincidence I have always wanted to shove something up Guy Ritchie's arse albeit wrapped in barbed wire beforehand.

It has to be said I am tickled that the words 'strap-on' have appeared in The Daily Mail. This could herald the beginning of a new cultural era.

Cheerio

Sex For Consumers

Hello,
Like many members of the 'lady community' I have been orphaned by the tragic demise of Marie Claire. I am aware it's still limping on but a cursory glance at the contents leaves one wondering why it bothers.

For the last couple of years I've been in search of a suitable replacement but it's as if the last people on earth who still take Madonna seriously have got together and entered a competition to see who can run the dullest magazine possible.

Anyway I've been hearing wonderful things about Scarlet Magazine which purports to be some sort of erotic periodical for ladies. Do not be taken in. Whilst all glossy magazines carry a lot of advertising this rag is about 95% advertising and none of it very interesting. Worse still any article that promises to be interesting is confined to one side of a single page. It's as if they fear entertaining the reader.

There is a section of 'erotic' literature or 'Cliterature' as they're calling it. A woman gets locked in a chastity belt in one of the stories, I couldn't be arsed reading on to see if she gets out. The one about the 'frantic sun lounger' is a big bore as well. I'm not really sure who all this tedium is aimed at. People who want to appear to be interested in sex perhaps?

Mind you the sex tips were good for a laugh, there are, you will be surprised to hear sixty-nine of them. Most too dull to repeat but I shall leave you with a few of my favourites on the condition that you don't hold me responsible for the consequences should you be silly enough to try them.

1. 'Suffering from wrist-ache during hand jobs? Try bagpiping as an alternative.'
2. 'Buy a Skype phone'
3. 'During masturbation use your spare hand to pull your hair'
4. 'Cut up bin liners, place them all over the floor and have a naked cream fight.'
5. 'Refuse whenever you want to.'
6. 'Cover your body in lube and play catch'
7. ' Borrow a pair of your mans boxers and masterbate in front of him.'
8. 'For convenient watersports use the bath'
9. 'A fly-swatter delivers a playful sting to the buttocks.'

By now I'm sure you are as bewildered as I am. Good Lord Mr Clairwil would hit the roof if I peed in his bath, especially if he happened to be in it at the time. Bear with me for what I think is quite possibly the worst sex tip ever printed. It's the sort of thing I'd do to someone I was about to chuck. For sheer cock-teasing cruelty it takes some beating and exposes the author as a dishonest prude who should be confined to a convent before someone explodes.

10. '.....enlist a broadminded friend and kiss her in front of him, on the condition that later when you're both alone together, he verbally completes the scenario, sharing with you the fantasy of what could have happened next.'

Hahaha! Of course in a just and sensible world the chap and the broadminded friend would go off together and leave the tease to pull the wings off flies. For the love of God! What's in next weeks 'pretend you've won the lottery and get your man to describe in detail what he plans to do with his share of the cash before telling him it's all a hoax?'

Scarlet -can't read it for the articles, can't read it for the sex and there's not even a free gift. Avoid like a salesman.

They said we'd be artistically free, got to sign a bit of paper....

Hello,

I see there has been a minor hoo-hah about the 'Reggae Compassionate Act' with two of the the signatories claiming that they did not in fact sign it.

For those of you not familiar with the act. It is a document signed by various reggae artists who've been in hot water over violent anti-gay lyrics in their music.

Am I alone in wondering what the point of such a document is? The artists were facing boycotts, loss of contracts, protests and the cancellation of live performances, could it be that they would have signed anything to protect their lucrative careers?

I am certainly not against the right of people to protest against the artists concerned. If one is going to make inflammatory statements against a particular group then they should be ready to take the consequences, as indeed should the companies that sponsor them. Unless of course one is displaying hatred and aggression towards woman in which case they can be assured a of loyal female following and praise for their daring lyrics. Which is fine by me art is one thing, morality another. Unless someone is in breaching of existing laws regarding incitement to violence then I couldn't really care less what they get up to. Incidentally I'd be willing to bet that at least one anti-gay reggae artist is, if not a practicing homosexual, at least gay in their sexual orientation. One can protest too much.

There is something a little naive in the belief that by getting a few artists to sign a piece of paper under threat of boycotts and so on that attacks on homosexuals in Jamaica will stop or even be reduced. Peter Tatchell describes the artists concerned as '...unrepentant homophobic performers are the moral equivalent of neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan'. A fair point but would anyone take seriously neo-Nazis or Klan members signing a document renouncing their beliefs under threat of loss of earnings. Call me cynical but I'd suspect their motives.

Supporters of this campaign have quite rightly pointed to the anti-gay violence in Jamaica as part of the reason for this campaign. However it should be noted that homosexual acts are still illegal in Jamaica. Something that makes gays more vulnerable than anything any reggae artist could come up with. Would the time money and energy devoted to this not be better spent supporting J-Flag who are dedicated to transforming the attitudes of all of Jamaican society towards gays not just encouraging pragmatic self-censorship amongst Jamaican musicians?

It is also worth noting that Jamaican society as a whole is extremely violent. As I'm led to understand that all human life is considered to be of value, would it not be worthwhile for campaigners against anti-gay violence to offer their assistance to the wider campaigns against violence and gun culture? After all it is perfectly possible to dislike or even feel repelled by homosexuals without resorting to violence. Surely a campaign against violence as a means of furthering moral, political or personal aims would do more good than a few insincere musicians signing a bit of paper.

I don't claim to speak for my own country let alone Jamaica. It is idealistic but a world where when can go about one's business without fear of violence strikes me as a pretty universal and desirable aim and Jamaicans are as deserving of the quiet life as the rest of us. If hearing some repulsive, anti gay rant on a reggae record is the worst you have to contend with then you're comparatively lucky. 47% of Jamaican women describe their first sexual encounter as 'forced' or 'somewhat forced' or what about this poor woman who made the mistake of reporting an abduction and gang rape to the Jamaican authorities. Or is sexual violence against women just business as usual?

Cheerio

Notes, News and Chat

Hello,

Well thats a hello to anyone that still visits. I feel like an abandoned grannie and only slightly less sexy.

A reminder that The Scottish Idlers Guild will be meeting on 02/06/07 at Chinaskis, North St, Glasgow. Do pop along if you're in the area and anxious to hurl toil into the bin. Let's create an oasis of idling.

News reaches me that our esteemed friend The Ill Man may have acquired some sort of lady friend. Though as I, his alleged 'best friend' of fourteen years have not been directly informed of this or been introduced to the lady in question I cannot say whether there is any truth in the rumour. All I will say is that I think it's very unfair when I have allowed him to speak to Mr Clairwil on several occasions, even though Mr Clairwil seldom leaves the house and dislikes strangers. This episode has been noted.

I have taken to drinking Sweetheart Stout.

There is some sort of hygiene drive on at work. Either that or one of my colleagues has been sent so mad by the poisonous atmosphere that she's developed an irrational germ phobia and fear of food a baw hair over it's sell by date. I fear for my safety.

I'm thinking of founding a commune/dictatorship. I'm very tired, tarot cards then bed.

Goodnight

More Fragments

What Clairwil scribbled aged 15. Thankfully the tone has been raised since.