For The Love Of God.......

Hello,
Back in April I decided to transfer my mortgage following a few misunderstandings with the bank. That is to say the bank don't understand that I'm disorganised and require far more money than I earn to live decently. Anyway I tootled along to a mortgage broker who reckoned he could get anyone anything -to look at him you'd think butter wouldn't melt but he tried to bribe me to refer clients to him during the course of my application! Naturally I declined out of fear of getting caught rather than any moral objection.

After trying for months on end to get the bank to give me a settlement figure (six written requests 17 phone calls and two faxes), I had all that I needed to go ahead. The nice lady at my new mortgage company assured me that everything was fine and I should have my old mortgage settled and the wee bit extra within a week. That was three weeks ago.

I phoned again last week at was told all the paperwork was at the lawyer so it should be done and dusted in the next few days. I phoned the lawyers who advised that I should have the money in the next 5-7 days. Still nothing.

I had intended to go away for a few days next week -Belfast since you ask and was relying on that money to pay for it. There doesn't appear to be any law against torturing debtors in this way and you may be surprised to learn I seem to be the only person anything like this has ever happened to -something of a recurring theme in my life.

I'm at the end of my tether with it. Any suggestions that don't involve me strangling a hapless office clerk with my bare hands.

Turn That Bloody Racket Off!

Hello,
I see Elton John has demanded that the internet be turned off for five years. Can that be done? Where is the internet kept? Who looks after it? We should of course bear in mind that Elton John once phoned a hotel reception in a temper and told them to turn down the weather so it is possible he's misunderstood the whole thing a bit.

Naturally I'm opposed to this wicked plan. I prefer the internet to the telly these days. Telly reminds me that I am alone in the universe, the internet allows me to pretend I'm not. My whole life I've been haunted by the feeling that all the people like me are off elsewhere doing interesting stuff whilst I'm surrounded by people who humour me or irritate me.

I'm off out on Friday night on some sort of work 'teambuilding' night out in an appalling tapas bar. Why they can't just accept that we all hate each other and leave us in peace I'll never know. What is the sodding point? What do I have to say to a load of mums who reek of antiseptic and talk about their bowels all the time? Well plenty actually but they'd all start making the gasp of outrage possibly worse than the one they do when they see something that displeases them on GMTV so I'll be sitting in silence watching the clock and dreaming up excuses to leave early.

With any luck one of them will drink a glass of wine and do something outrageous, though I fear it will the the usual tuts of disapproval if I order a pint. Worse still they'll insist we share our dishes. I fucking hate sharing. I cannot bear it. Every time we go out it's the same. I look at the menu and decide what I want whereas they all flap about whining 'what are you having' so that they can co-ordinate, then treat me like an anti-social freak for my perfectly reasonable desire to eat without them sticking their dirty forks in my food. I wouldn't mind but these are people who change the sheets immediately after sex and carry wet wipes at all times yet they're quite happy to stick their bloody germs in my dinner. I should stress I'm not germ phobic but I refuse to eat off the same plate as anyone I wouldn't sleep with.


Oh God I'm on a roll now. The list of things they do that annoy me is too long to deal with in detail but as this is food related I'll throw it in. Every single day in work they ask me what I'm having for lunch or if I happen to be eating it at the time the lean over and look at it before questioning me as to exactly what's in my sandwich. For six months I ate cheese sandwiches because it was easier to explain than houmous. I don't know why but I feel very agressive when questioned about my lunch. Always have, even as a child. What gets me hopping mad is when they ask what I'm having then get the same thing and tell everyone that they bought it because Clairwil was having it and it looked nice.

Right I must end now I feel a rant about their stupid fake allergies coming on and if I start I won't stop.

Cheers

They said we'd be artistically free, got to sign a bit of paper....

Hello,

I see there has been a minor hoo-hah about the 'Reggae Compassionate Act' with two of the the signatories claiming that they did not in fact sign it.

For those of you not familiar with the act. It is a document signed by various reggae artists who've been in hot water over violent anti-gay lyrics in their music.

Am I alone in wondering what the point of such a document is? The artists were facing boycotts, loss of contracts, protests and the cancellation of live performances, could it be that they would have signed anything to protect their lucrative careers?

I am certainly not against the right of people to protest against the artists concerned. If one is going to make inflammatory statements against a particular group then they should be ready to take the consequences, as indeed should the companies that sponsor them. Unless of course one is displaying hatred and aggression towards woman in which case they can be assured a of loyal female following and praise for their daring lyrics. Which is fine by me art is one thing, morality another. Unless someone is in breaching of existing laws regarding incitement to violence then I couldn't really care less what they get up to. Incidentally I'd be willing to bet that at least one anti-gay reggae artist is, if not a practicing homosexual, at least gay in their sexual orientation. One can protest too much.

There is something a little naive in the belief that by getting a few artists to sign a piece of paper under threat of boycotts and so on that attacks on homosexuals in Jamaica will stop or even be reduced. Peter Tatchell describes the artists concerned as '...unrepentant homophobic performers are the moral equivalent of neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan'. A fair point but would anyone take seriously neo-Nazis or Klan members signing a document renouncing their beliefs under threat of loss of earnings. Call me cynical but I'd suspect their motives.

Supporters of this campaign have quite rightly pointed to the anti-gay violence in Jamaica as part of the reason for this campaign. However it should be noted that homosexual acts are still illegal in Jamaica. Something that makes gays more vulnerable than anything any reggae artist could come up with. Would the time money and energy devoted to this not be better spent supporting J-Flag who are dedicated to transforming the attitudes of all of Jamaican society towards gays not just encouraging pragmatic self-censorship amongst Jamaican musicians?

It is also worth noting that Jamaican society as a whole is extremely violent. As I'm led to understand that all human life is considered to be of value, would it not be worthwhile for campaigners against anti-gay violence to offer their assistance to the wider campaigns against violence and gun culture? After all it is perfectly possible to dislike or even feel repelled by homosexuals without resorting to violence. Surely a campaign against violence as a means of furthering moral, political or personal aims would do more good than a few insincere musicians signing a bit of paper.

I don't claim to speak for my own country let alone Jamaica. It is idealistic but a world where when can go about one's business without fear of violence strikes me as a pretty universal and desirable aim and Jamaicans are as deserving of the quiet life as the rest of us. If hearing some repulsive, anti gay rant on a reggae record is the worst you have to contend with then you're comparatively lucky. 47% of Jamaican women describe their first sexual encounter as 'forced' or 'somewhat forced' or what about this poor woman who made the mistake of reporting an abduction and gang rape to the Jamaican authorities. Or is sexual violence against women just business as usual?

Cheerio