Now that fucking rocks.

Hello,
I was intending to do a bit of a usual hits style Tom Jones You Tube special this evening and I do have those clips to but the one I really want to draw your attention to is Tom and Janis Joplin duetting or carrying on like banshees on heat. Truly arse moving and mind blowing. Behold.



Delilah rather pales in comparison although it's still ace. Until I was 22 I felt rather unloved if an episode of insane jealousy hadn't spilled over into violence during the course of a mating ritual. Him indoors and I don't go in for much in the way of door slamming at grandiose suicide bids though he is stern enough about erect nipples to make me feel a bit owned. Not that I am owned
it's a pleasing fantasy that I encourage when it suits me.

Now let Tom show you where all that simmering passion gets you. Cause and effect kids.

Cheerio

They said we'd be artistically free, got to sign a bit of paper....

Hello,

I see there has been a minor hoo-hah about the 'Reggae Compassionate Act' with two of the the signatories claiming that they did not in fact sign it.

For those of you not familiar with the act. It is a document signed by various reggae artists who've been in hot water over violent anti-gay lyrics in their music.

Am I alone in wondering what the point of such a document is? The artists were facing boycotts, loss of contracts, protests and the cancellation of live performances, could it be that they would have signed anything to protect their lucrative careers?

I am certainly not against the right of people to protest against the artists concerned. If one is going to make inflammatory statements against a particular group then they should be ready to take the consequences, as indeed should the companies that sponsor them. Unless of course one is displaying hatred and aggression towards woman in which case they can be assured a of loyal female following and praise for their daring lyrics. Which is fine by me art is one thing, morality another. Unless someone is in breaching of existing laws regarding incitement to violence then I couldn't really care less what they get up to. Incidentally I'd be willing to bet that at least one anti-gay reggae artist is, if not a practicing homosexual, at least gay in their sexual orientation. One can protest too much.

There is something a little naive in the belief that by getting a few artists to sign a piece of paper under threat of boycotts and so on that attacks on homosexuals in Jamaica will stop or even be reduced. Peter Tatchell describes the artists concerned as '...unrepentant homophobic performers are the moral equivalent of neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan'. A fair point but would anyone take seriously neo-Nazis or Klan members signing a document renouncing their beliefs under threat of loss of earnings. Call me cynical but I'd suspect their motives.

Supporters of this campaign have quite rightly pointed to the anti-gay violence in Jamaica as part of the reason for this campaign. However it should be noted that homosexual acts are still illegal in Jamaica. Something that makes gays more vulnerable than anything any reggae artist could come up with. Would the time money and energy devoted to this not be better spent supporting J-Flag who are dedicated to transforming the attitudes of all of Jamaican society towards gays not just encouraging pragmatic self-censorship amongst Jamaican musicians?

It is also worth noting that Jamaican society as a whole is extremely violent. As I'm led to understand that all human life is considered to be of value, would it not be worthwhile for campaigners against anti-gay violence to offer their assistance to the wider campaigns against violence and gun culture? After all it is perfectly possible to dislike or even feel repelled by homosexuals without resorting to violence. Surely a campaign against violence as a means of furthering moral, political or personal aims would do more good than a few insincere musicians signing a bit of paper.

I don't claim to speak for my own country let alone Jamaica. It is idealistic but a world where when can go about one's business without fear of violence strikes me as a pretty universal and desirable aim and Jamaicans are as deserving of the quiet life as the rest of us. If hearing some repulsive, anti gay rant on a reggae record is the worst you have to contend with then you're comparatively lucky. 47% of Jamaican women describe their first sexual encounter as 'forced' or 'somewhat forced' or what about this poor woman who made the mistake of reporting an abduction and gang rape to the Jamaican authorities. Or is sexual violence against women just business as usual?

Cheerio

A Warning Against Toying With The Occult

Hello,
A while back I mentioned that a psychic had informed me that I had someone very interesting behind me from the spirit world.

Naturally I was intrigued, so I was pleased to stumble across a different psychic who reckoned she could supply me with a drawing of my spirit guide. I duly coughed up the very reasonable £4.00 fee for this remarkable service and waited. The shocking outcome of all this is that I have a very well executed pencil drawing which appears to be of one of my ex-boyfriends. That said drawing has the same name and purports to be my 'soulmate' is, I need hardly day most distressing. Mr Clairwil could never be usurped in my affections.

Obviously I am the victim of some sort of prank. For a start a soulmate and a spirit guide are two entirely separate beasties. What worries me is who is responsible for this outrage? Why? I have of course submitted a stern email to them which has come back undelivered. It's as if they have vanished into thin air. The drawing itself is as I say very well done but every time I look at it I want to sleep with all it's friends and start pointless drunken fist fights. It can't be healthy.

I'm off to bed now though I doubt I shall ever sleep again.

Cheerio

Some Silva Joseph

More.....

Happy News and Help Wanted

Hello,
I have some happy news! I have a new job, only part-time but I'll be working from home! Living the dream! I had to audition and everything. Can Oscar glory be far off? Anyway my job will entail speaking to chaps about matters of an adult nature which presents me with something of a dilemma. I have to choose a category in which to appear and choose a hair colour.

Should I go for 18-25, 40+, blonde, brunette or ginger. Oh and I need a name as well. I've always wanted to be called Bernadette or Stella but I'm not sure they sound particularly 'racy'. At the same time I don't want to be called anything too 'porn star' because I'd feel like a total fool and the punters would smell a rat.

I've ruled out doing the shouting at men line because my voice is too soft to sound truly threatening. Plus I'm a terrible giggler so I think I'll do best to keep it light. So that leaves me with 'chat', dogging, anal sex, oral sex, feet, 'watersports' and 'other'. What on earth 'other' entails is a mystery, so I'm a bit wary. I don't think anyone wants to be calling up to hear me bellowing 'you want to what?, Good God sir, are you quite well?'

Suggestions please.

Clairwil's Burns Night

Hello,
I somewhat unusually spent Burns night eating lentil and tomato soup, before taking myself off to the Theosophical Society. It's normally something I celebrate in my own small way but having come home to find my door kicked in I was a little distracted. Still better late than never.

I'm sure Burns would have approved of my large dose of wine all the same. I wasn't going to bother doing a post. It's not as if Burn's Night went uncelebrated without me, however being a wicked Scottish nationalist reactionary I couldn't hold back.


I should stress that I don't like Burns simply because he is Scottish. He was also a fox and a beautiful if flawed soul. Oh yes and he wasn't too bad at the old poetry lark either. I think it is a testament to his ability as poet to transcend race, time and class that his words could render a six year old girl brought up on Barbie and Battle of the Planets almost speechless (though not speechless enough) with Tam O'Shanter. One of my few happy memories of school was first hearing that great narrative poem. Up until that point everything had seemed so pedestrian, sums, sentences and tissue paper. The hateful Mrs O'Neil couldn't spoil Burns, not even when she sent me out the class for asking what a 'cutty sark' was. I'm not a true Scot apparently. The woman was certifiable and I rather fancy that if he'd been alive Burns would have left the room with me to stand on 1982's answer to the creepie chair. The disgusting Mrs O'Neil later made me stand in a wastepaper basket for being 'rubbish'. Still I had Tam O'Shanter in my head and she only had a wish to humiliate children, which I think makes me the winner. Let's all hope she's dead as doornail now or at the very least embarrassed, frightened and miserable.

To wander back towards the bloody point.

Here are two of my favourite Burns turns.

Ae Fond Kiss
Address to the Unco Guid

Cheerio

Bono Has Ruined My Christmas

Hello,
I'm not proud of this but I used to be rather fond of Mr Bono. Yes I realised he could be an utter tool at times but he has large hips and a sense of humour which I find rather appealing. Oh fuck it he was a borderline boiler for me.

Imagine being 31 and feeling let down by a pop star, let alone cunting Bono out of U2. As I say I always thought he was an arse but I truly believed he was a well intentioned arse. I remember seeing U2 at the SECC in Glasgow a few years back. Bono picked a girl out of the audience to jiggle about with, she was right next to me so what he was thinking I cannot imagine. Anyway as he pulled her onto the stage, his face fell slightly as he noticed the tattooed knuckles -'Mags' on the left hand and 'Paul' on the right. That aside I was most impressed at Mr Bono's professionalism as he proceeded to treat her like a normal person. Better men than Bono would have called security. I thought to myself there is a man with the common touch, he could eat pies with cockneys. Rather like a leather clad Queen Mum.

Now not only has it been brought to my attention that he is a tax evader but he's accepted a bauble from the British. No true Irish gentleman would behave in such a fashion. For fucks sake no rock star, however lame should behave in such a fashion. Really he should be kicked out of decent society. What a cunt. I'm all for writing off third world debt, I don't have Sir Bono's media attention to do much in the way of campaigning, what I can do is pay my taxes and give my country some money to do it with. The worthiness of the issue is not the point. How dare some multi-millionaire tight-wad come along and lecture people on low wages on how they should press for their tax money to be spent. If he lived a less self indulgent lifestyle and gave his money to third world charities he could improve and save hundreds if not thousands of lives. Instead he weasels out of paying tax that wouldn't affect his lifestyle one iota and expects bus drivers, cleaners, hairdressers and security guards to pick up the tab. Let them eat cake indeed!

The title is just the final gesture of contempt. If I were offered a bauble, I'd wonder where I'd gone wrong in life. Then I'd tell them to shove it. There is no force on earth that would make me kneel before that freeloading trash in Buck House. Worse still it makes the government look like it cares. How could anyone accept a 'prize' from the filth that govern us? An honour from King Tony should be about as welcome as a childcare prize from Ian Huntley. For Christ's sake a civilised society would have lynched Blair years ago.

I'm fairly relaxed about non-famous types accepting honours even though it's something I wouldn't do myself. For example someone working for a small charity is likely to see donations increase following the publicity from their 'honour'. I don't mind people sacrificing their reputation for the greater good. In fact I almost wish I was that selfless but what on earth has Sir Bono got to gain? As a rock star it just makes him an even bigger laughing stock, he's not short of publicity. The only explanation is that he wants approval from the establishment. What a sook! I'm sure it won't worry him unduly but every word he says from now on will be suspect to me. In fact I shall ignore him. Bono does not exist. He has never existed.

Cheerio

The World's Most Inept Pornographers

Hello,
A very dear gentleman friend of mine brought this masterpiece of erotic comedy to my attention. That he was watching on a night where he normally sees me is something I choose to overlook. Some facts are better left without analysis if one is to keep what's left of one's self-esteem.

Anyway this wonderful piece of Glaswegian amateur porn features the lovely Adele from Bellshill, who turns in a non-plussed performance that will stay with me forever. I am no expert on the production of home made pornography, not that I haven't had the opportunity I might add. Lord knows what that would have been called -'Sarky drunk bird attempts shag mid fag'? Thankfully modesty prevailed and the world was spared Clairwil in action.

To wander back towards the point, as I said I'm no expert in amateur porn but if I was directing some I would forbid the male star to wear socks. I cannot bear the sight of a man wearing nothing but his socks. It's unseemly. If by some tragic accident he accidentially booted the female star in the snatch, I'm not sure I would include that scene. In fact I am certain I would not. That said the dialogue is superb, well in the bits where the sound hasn't cut out. It's hard to say which bit I enjoyed most, the shouts of encouragement from the camera man or poor Adele's protest that she'd only come over because she thought they were going out or Adele's terrifying screech of 'who're you fuckin slappin?'. God isn't that a pain, you're all dolled up for a night out and a couple of neds rope you into their camera phone porno, then one of them has effortery to slap you mid blow job.

I need hardly say that these are not work friendly clips but they are the funniest thing I've seen in years.

Cheerio