8/25/2009
The Axis of Evil
Hello,
I must admit when I voted for devolution all those years ago I didn't imagine for a moment we'd go and use our powers to join the axis of evil. I am of course referring to the release of Mr Megrahi which seems to have sent a small but noisy portion of the internet mad.
The Guardian comments have been particularly splendid if you enjoy net based lunacy as much as I do. What everyone seems to have overlooked is that if the UK and US governments really wanted Megrahi to remain in prison, he'd still be there. Bazza and Clinton are just sounding off to appease the 45 American's who've noticed the story and Brown agrees with the decision but can't admit it because the SNP made it and any case it won't have done trade relations with our new chum Libya any harm. Sorry you can trumpet separate legal system all you like but if anything major had been riding on this decision Scotland would have got nowhere near it.
That's why no real pressure was put on the SNP to make a decision one way or another. Oh come on Hilary Clinton doing her burst paypacket face at us doesn't count -even her husband doesn't take any notice of her unless of course she's been telling him to shag everything in his path and get caught all these years.
As for the boycott I find it hard to convey just how much amusement that's caused me. For a start it's led by a member of The Church of Satan and appears to have inspired boycotts of Guinness and Jameson's whiskey by as many as ten internet trolls. They'll be burning U2 albums next.
Still who'd have thought our decimated manufacturing base would one day prove to such an asset. Christ almighty is there anything left to boycott? I'm not sure how I feel about us having angered the Church of Satan. I suppose I'm just relieved it wasn't some really mental pretendy religion like Scientology. The last thing my nerves need Tom Cruise in a strop plotting in his closet. The mad practicing thetan!
I'm a bit suspicious at the appeal being dropped and look forward to the promised release of all the documents relating to the decision to release Megrahi. All in all I think it was the right decision and I hope it was made for the right reasons, though with so much left to come out I won't be having a flutter on that any time soon. That said I'm a bit baffled by the argument that MacAskill took the decision to show Scotland's independence by annoying Westminster whilst doing what Westminster wanted in order to secure some oil deal. Surely it's one or the other. If it is 'willy waving' as some have alleged I cannot help but think he'd have been better getting his cock out and giving it a wave. There would have been less of an uproar.
One also wonders if the opposition are being so blatantly crap on purpose. Has Salmond bribed them or are they really that hopeless? Hardly a peep out them while the decision was under consideration, then all of a sudden they're outraged. Am I being cynical? Is anyone buying this? If I were in charge of the SNP I'd just pinch policies from the opposition forcing them to adopt the original SNP position and by the time any of them realised they'd been hoodwinked the legislation would be passed.
I think by far the best bit of the opposition 'savaging' was Iain Gray informing us that he would have made a different decision if he were Justice minister. Thanks for that Iain. As if anyone would believe that was actually in charge of anything. They probably ID him every time he turns up at Holyrood. He's the sort of man automatic doors fail to open for. It beggars belief that he's in charge of the Scottish Labour Party surely they can't be so stuck for a leader they've dispensed with the idea altogether and opted to follow a hole in the air. So unremarkable is he I'm convinced he doesn't exist, I reckon it's just one of the bank benchers throwing their voice. From Westminster.
Anyway I must dash I've got to build my defences against all those terminally ill suicide bombers who'll be flocking to Scotland because they'll get posthumous compassionate release and 72 virgins. And to think folk say we're mean!
Cheerio
8/16/2009
The North Kelvin Meadow
Hello,
The good folk of The North Kelvin Meadow need your help. For the last year or so they've been transforming local wasteground from an overgrown haven for junkies, neds and flytippers into a brilliant and much needed community garden.
Unfortunately for this truly remarkable band of volunteers, the council had ear marked the land for private flats. Personally I don't quite understand this desire the council has to build yuppie flats everywhere but then I'm the sort of thicko that thinks people and communities are more important than private profit which no doubt my dribbling band of occaisonal emailers will inform me is typical of my stalinist p.c outlook. Though quite why I'd want to replace a system which subordinates the majority to the whims of private profit for one that subordinates them to ideology and one party state corruption has never been explained in these charming messages.
Anyway to return to the point, the good folk of the Kelvin meadow are due to appear in court on 21/08/09 and need folk to fill the public gallery to overflowing. The case reference is A2833/09 and the address for the Sheriff Court is: 1 Carlton Place, Glasgow G2 1DU. In other words it's the court in the Gorbals. I shall do my best to pop in on my lunchbreak as I'll be in that neck of the woods. I hope to see a few familiar faces.
I honestly can't see the need for any more flats in the West End, maybe some family housing but frankly the amount of horrible neglected, brownfield land in the East End is the obvious place to build. I must admit I'm very disappointed that the council are taking this heavy handed attitude to the gardeners on the meadow, given how helpful recent contact with them suggests they are to our activities.
Whilst I do not accept these flats must be built at the very least the council should be engaging with NKM in a positive way. If that land really cannot be used to benefit the whole community, then surely they could find them an alternative garden to tend. Court action, calling them tresspassers and treating them like criminals is not a proprtionate response by any stretch.
In my working day I breeze through the poorest bits of Glasgow. Contrary to popular belief the majority of residents are decent folk but very often are left living in fear because of the anti-social conduct of their neighbours. Yet for some reason nothing can be done about fly tipping, vandalism, assaults, breaches of the peace and the like.
We as a city need more people like NKM not less and it is a real shame the council are taking such a hard line with them. As far as I can tell they seem like good community spirited people, if the council in this case really feel flats are the best use of this space, better than a garden that helps build a strong community then shouldn't we have the debate rather than strong arm tactics? Shouldn't the council be trying to channel their energies where they can be better used rather than treating them like common criminals. Do the council not see that heavy handed actions like this stifle local initiative when that's the very bloody thing we need in this city?
I have always had a lot of time for council staff. Oh I know the council do their very best to conceal them but there are some marvels in there. This leads me to wonder if this is just being driven by a local councillor who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing in cahoots with a few of the less imaginative council officers. This Labour notion that everything that doesn't turn a profit is evil needs to stop. Maybe if the council let well orgainised communities get on with what they are doing we'd be able to do more to help out the genuinely helpless in our city.
Cheers
The good folk of The North Kelvin Meadow need your help. For the last year or so they've been transforming local wasteground from an overgrown haven for junkies, neds and flytippers into a brilliant and much needed community garden.
Unfortunately for this truly remarkable band of volunteers, the council had ear marked the land for private flats. Personally I don't quite understand this desire the council has to build yuppie flats everywhere but then I'm the sort of thicko that thinks people and communities are more important than private profit which no doubt my dribbling band of occaisonal emailers will inform me is typical of my stalinist p.c outlook. Though quite why I'd want to replace a system which subordinates the majority to the whims of private profit for one that subordinates them to ideology and one party state corruption has never been explained in these charming messages.
Anyway to return to the point, the good folk of the Kelvin meadow are due to appear in court on 21/08/09 and need folk to fill the public gallery to overflowing. The case reference is A2833/09 and the address for the Sheriff Court is: 1 Carlton Place, Glasgow G2 1DU. In other words it's the court in the Gorbals. I shall do my best to pop in on my lunchbreak as I'll be in that neck of the woods. I hope to see a few familiar faces.
I honestly can't see the need for any more flats in the West End, maybe some family housing but frankly the amount of horrible neglected, brownfield land in the East End is the obvious place to build. I must admit I'm very disappointed that the council are taking this heavy handed attitude to the gardeners on the meadow, given how helpful recent contact with them suggests they are to our activities.
Whilst I do not accept these flats must be built at the very least the council should be engaging with NKM in a positive way. If that land really cannot be used to benefit the whole community, then surely they could find them an alternative garden to tend. Court action, calling them tresspassers and treating them like criminals is not a proprtionate response by any stretch.
In my working day I breeze through the poorest bits of Glasgow. Contrary to popular belief the majority of residents are decent folk but very often are left living in fear because of the anti-social conduct of their neighbours. Yet for some reason nothing can be done about fly tipping, vandalism, assaults, breaches of the peace and the like.
We as a city need more people like NKM not less and it is a real shame the council are taking such a hard line with them. As far as I can tell they seem like good community spirited people, if the council in this case really feel flats are the best use of this space, better than a garden that helps build a strong community then shouldn't we have the debate rather than strong arm tactics? Shouldn't the council be trying to channel their energies where they can be better used rather than treating them like common criminals. Do the council not see that heavy handed actions like this stifle local initiative when that's the very bloody thing we need in this city?
I have always had a lot of time for council staff. Oh I know the council do their very best to conceal them but there are some marvels in there. This leads me to wonder if this is just being driven by a local councillor who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing in cahoots with a few of the less imaginative council officers. This Labour notion that everything that doesn't turn a profit is evil needs to stop. Maybe if the council let well orgainised communities get on with what they are doing we'd be able to do more to help out the genuinely helpless in our city.
Cheers
8/14/2009
Wooly bully
Record of the week. As I wasn't invented until 1975 it's hardly my fault I missed it on it's first outing.
8/13/2009
Filament
Hello,
I see that the path previously trodden by 'Playgirl' and 'For Women' is being trod once again by 'Filament' . As ever erections are proving a problem being considered obscene in 'erotica' aimed at women rather than porn aimed at men which as far as I can tell appears to be full of whoppers.
The folk at 'Filament' are of course protesting this state of affairs. The deal is that if enough folk buy issue one, issue two will feature a proud an erect boaby rather than a boring flaccid fellow. As marketing strategies go it's not bad but it's hard to care one way or the other.
For a start it's an 'erotic' magazine. I hate erotica, it's the visual equivalent of those drips that used to hang round the school bully in the hope some of his menace would rub off. Why in God's name would any sentient being want to look at a Timotei advert with stiffies? It's dull. Worse still it appears to have been based around the findings of focus groups. Sweet Lord -consensus erotica! At least consensus porn might have a whiff of the gang bang about it but erotica is just a man thinking about having a wank photographed through a doily.
All any consensus is going to add to the erotica is a few articles for the sort monsterous muppet that says 'us girls' as if we'd elected her as minister for wacky fun or worse responsible articles about womens health accompanied by a ten question quiz entitled 'What cancer will YOU die of tit, womb or ovary?'. Maybe both -surely that will herald the apocalpyse and end this comfortable misery.
There are times that being a women is like supporting one of those football teams that hover around the top of their division/league/bore or whatever the sponsors call them nowadays. One receives sufficient signs of imminent triumph to prevent a self inflicted fatal adventure with a gun but defeat is snatched from the jaws of glory at every opportunity.
The launch of a new erotic magazine for ladies always brings despair. It doesn't have to be this way. In essence sextainment or ladies should be funny in which case a magazine that looks like a selection of stag night photos with a earnest male stripper or two here and there will suffice.
Or ideally it should be perfectly obscene. Photograph vast orgies, winking goats, show man on man on woman on woman, a mixture, cross dressing, fetish, burelesque, strippers, danger wanks, paupers, princes, slaves, peepshows, hoors, lunatics, boxers, the kitchen sink, chicks with dicks, fat folk, thin folk, inbetweeners, tops, bottoms, all races, all ages, sillicone stuffed freaks, allsorts I haven't thought of -the works. Imagine a collaboration on an update of Hogarths' Beer Street and Gin Lane by Beardsley and Crumb and you'd be off to a good start.
The only thing that should be banned is any visible sign of birth control. Fuck responsibility -create a fantasy land where we all fuck like animals caring not a jot for the consequences because there are none. A touch of jaded 18th century aristocrat here and there is as close to reality as it need get. Aim for a full body and mind orgasm. The 'stories' should be well written, witty, imaginative filth, the articles devoted entirely to self indulgence, laziness and all the fun of the fair.
That is how a decent porno should be done. Now if anyone with clout wants to bankroll it I'll rule it. Failing that send me your pictures articles, stories, letters and trifles and I'll whack it all up on a special blog. I'm serious, lets all have a big daft art blog on the theme of sex.
Cheerio
Cheerio
I see that the path previously trodden by 'Playgirl' and 'For Women' is being trod once again by 'Filament' . As ever erections are proving a problem being considered obscene in 'erotica' aimed at women rather than porn aimed at men which as far as I can tell appears to be full of whoppers.
The folk at 'Filament' are of course protesting this state of affairs. The deal is that if enough folk buy issue one, issue two will feature a proud an erect boaby rather than a boring flaccid fellow. As marketing strategies go it's not bad but it's hard to care one way or the other.
For a start it's an 'erotic' magazine. I hate erotica, it's the visual equivalent of those drips that used to hang round the school bully in the hope some of his menace would rub off. Why in God's name would any sentient being want to look at a Timotei advert with stiffies? It's dull. Worse still it appears to have been based around the findings of focus groups. Sweet Lord -consensus erotica! At least consensus porn might have a whiff of the gang bang about it but erotica is just a man thinking about having a wank photographed through a doily.
All any consensus is going to add to the erotica is a few articles for the sort monsterous muppet that says 'us girls' as if we'd elected her as minister for wacky fun or worse responsible articles about womens health accompanied by a ten question quiz entitled 'What cancer will YOU die of tit, womb or ovary?'. Maybe both -surely that will herald the apocalpyse and end this comfortable misery.
There are times that being a women is like supporting one of those football teams that hover around the top of their division/league/bore or whatever the sponsors call them nowadays. One receives sufficient signs of imminent triumph to prevent a self inflicted fatal adventure with a gun but defeat is snatched from the jaws of glory at every opportunity.
The launch of a new erotic magazine for ladies always brings despair. It doesn't have to be this way. In essence sextainment or ladies should be funny in which case a magazine that looks like a selection of stag night photos with a earnest male stripper or two here and there will suffice.
Or ideally it should be perfectly obscene. Photograph vast orgies, winking goats, show man on man on woman on woman, a mixture, cross dressing, fetish, burelesque, strippers, danger wanks, paupers, princes, slaves, peepshows, hoors, lunatics, boxers, the kitchen sink, chicks with dicks, fat folk, thin folk, inbetweeners, tops, bottoms, all races, all ages, sillicone stuffed freaks, allsorts I haven't thought of -the works. Imagine a collaboration on an update of Hogarths' Beer Street and Gin Lane by Beardsley and Crumb and you'd be off to a good start.
The only thing that should be banned is any visible sign of birth control. Fuck responsibility -create a fantasy land where we all fuck like animals caring not a jot for the consequences because there are none. A touch of jaded 18th century aristocrat here and there is as close to reality as it need get. Aim for a full body and mind orgasm. The 'stories' should be well written, witty, imaginative filth, the articles devoted entirely to self indulgence, laziness and all the fun of the fair.
That is how a decent porno should be done. Now if anyone with clout wants to bankroll it I'll rule it. Failing that send me your pictures articles, stories, letters and trifles and I'll whack it all up on a special blog. I'm serious, lets all have a big daft art blog on the theme of sex.
Cheerio
Cheerio
8/10/2009
It Was A One In A Million Chance!
Hello,
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.
I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?
I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.
Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.
I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?
I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.
Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.
8/08/2009
Revival-The Postcard Manifestos
Hello,
Some of my very long term readers may remember my blog -The Postcard Manifestos which fell by the wayside back in 2006 when I had my 'episode'. In truth I've been off sick mentally if not physically for the last three years. More recently I've been battling withdrawl symptoms having decided to sack the anti-depressants before I ballooned any further in size. It was a one way street for me with the only shop being Evans. Not even the introduction of the Ditto range can take the edge of that misery- though ladies and the more colouful gents amongst us should know it's the best purveyour of fine junk jewellery on the high street, you should also know that they practice vanity sizing to a remarkable degree. I nearly drowned trying on an outfit in my now usual size. Honestly I thought I would end my days half in and half out that vast frock, gasping and ffinally dying a bloated exhausted wreck.
This is the first week I've felt like myself again. It's hard to explain but I don't feel like I'm watching myself on the worlds most boring telly anymore, nor do I feel the need to scoff cheese every 30 seconds. I had always wondered how big I'd get if I ate all the cheese I wanted. Now I know the answer is the national average for ladies I am filled with admiration for the women of Britain. Carrying such a monsterous weight around just about killed my back and my left ankle. I really don't know how the average woman copes -though I suspect I may have munched my way to the reason they're always at the doctors.
However I am now back at the large end of my normal weight just another dress size to go and normal appeance will be resumed. Thanks to everyone who's not shown their obvious embarrassment at being seen with family size Clairwil in public. I'm not one of these weight obsessed birds, which is just as well but really there are limits and it would be nice if mummy could look at me once in a while without evident disgust. I suspect all this is karmic retribution or inwardly sneering at a chum who went from a size 8 to a size 16 during an 'episode'.
Anyway now I've made my excuses let's get to the point. The Postcard Manifestos are back in business so let's have you're postcards telling us all why you'd like to rule the world. And while we're at it can at least one of my readers donate to the bulb fund as The Ill Man is beating me in the readers generosity stakes and it's a bit of beamer being the tightwad's blog of choice. I've already put £90 of my own cash in and will match all donations pound for pound up to a maximum of £200. Come on think of the bees.
Cheers
Some of my very long term readers may remember my blog -The Postcard Manifestos which fell by the wayside back in 2006 when I had my 'episode'. In truth I've been off sick mentally if not physically for the last three years. More recently I've been battling withdrawl symptoms having decided to sack the anti-depressants before I ballooned any further in size. It was a one way street for me with the only shop being Evans. Not even the introduction of the Ditto range can take the edge of that misery- though ladies and the more colouful gents amongst us should know it's the best purveyour of fine junk jewellery on the high street, you should also know that they practice vanity sizing to a remarkable degree. I nearly drowned trying on an outfit in my now usual size. Honestly I thought I would end my days half in and half out that vast frock, gasping and ffinally dying a bloated exhausted wreck.
This is the first week I've felt like myself again. It's hard to explain but I don't feel like I'm watching myself on the worlds most boring telly anymore, nor do I feel the need to scoff cheese every 30 seconds. I had always wondered how big I'd get if I ate all the cheese I wanted. Now I know the answer is the national average for ladies I am filled with admiration for the women of Britain. Carrying such a monsterous weight around just about killed my back and my left ankle. I really don't know how the average woman copes -though I suspect I may have munched my way to the reason they're always at the doctors.
However I am now back at the large end of my normal weight just another dress size to go and normal appeance will be resumed. Thanks to everyone who's not shown their obvious embarrassment at being seen with family size Clairwil in public. I'm not one of these weight obsessed birds, which is just as well but really there are limits and it would be nice if mummy could look at me once in a while without evident disgust. I suspect all this is karmic retribution or inwardly sneering at a chum who went from a size 8 to a size 16 during an 'episode'.
Anyway now I've made my excuses let's get to the point. The Postcard Manifestos are back in business so let's have you're postcards telling us all why you'd like to rule the world. And while we're at it can at least one of my readers donate to the bulb fund as The Ill Man is beating me in the readers generosity stakes and it's a bit of beamer being the tightwad's blog of choice. I've already put £90 of my own cash in and will match all donations pound for pound up to a maximum of £200. Come on think of the bees.
Cheers
8/07/2009
Sex, Offices and the Price-Andres
Hello,
As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.
I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.
This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.
It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.
It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.
I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.
Cheerio
As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.
I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.
This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.
It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.
It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.
I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.
Cheerio
8/06/2009
Eek! A Meme
Hello,
Cartside very kindly tagged me with a meme recently which can be avoided no longer! So without further ado here are seven of my personality traits to scare off new readers and further alienate the old crowd.
1. I have a short temper and it's getting worse. It's an awful afliction. I've tried everything meditation, reading Mike Tyson biographies as a warning of where it might lead, drink, anti-depressants of various sorts, speaking to my G.P, staying indoors but to no avail. I think it's boredom to be honest. I do manage to control it, I hasten to add, it's years since I walloped anyone and months since I dished out a good old tongue lashing.
2. I cry at everything and anything. Client's tales of woe, Eastenders, blogs, politics, happy things, kittens, sad things, holidays, art galleries, books. Anything at all really. I am afraid I am very sentimental.
3. I feel very isolated and so would you if you'd only met about two people on your wavelength in the last thirty-four years.
4. I'm quite ambitious in my own way and get very, very frustrated indeed by failure.
5. I am fairly independent and really do not like to rely on other people for anything if it can be avoided. Hence my love of the good old self help book.
6. I am private to a lunatic degree about certain things. I have my life divided up nicely into compartments and live in terror of certain people in my life meeting up.
7. I like to feel I have a purpose. I like projects, schemes, wheezes and plans to the point where I feel lost without one up my sleeve. Do you? Maybe we should meet.
I shall refrain from passing on this meme instead inviting anyone who's stuck for a post to take it on.
Cheerio
8/05/2009
Hurrah More Bureaucracy!
Hello,
It takes a very special sort of mind to look at the UK benefits system and decide what it really needs is another layer of bureaucracy but isn't that just like our wonderful government? I am of course referring to the sinister remarks in their Adult Care Green Paper.
Their latest wheeze is to stop paying Attendance Allowance directly in cash to elderly disabled people but instead transfer it directly to social services who will carry out an assessment and decide what care to supply. The wording of the green paper makes continual reference to disability benefits making it very likely that the care component of Disability Living Allowance will end up being paid to social services in the same way.
This means someone like my friend's mum who receives most of her personal care from her daughter and uses her Attendance Allowance to top up her meagre pension, pay a cleaner to call in weekly and take a taxi over to her friend's house once a week will have her income reduced by £47.10 per week and be forced to rely on the 'help' available from social services. She did used to receive care from social services which involved someone sticking a ready meal in a mircrowave around tea time and occasionally remembering to put it in front of her or get her cutlery from the drawer before banging the door on their way out. If you wonder about the quality of social care, imagine a seventy-four year old woman, paralysed down her right side sitting in her living room wondering how on earth she's going to remove the film lid from her ready meal now that her 'carer' has left*. You may appreciate why they decided to struggle on without 'help' from social work -who incredibly had the nerve to charge for this 'service'.
It's obvious social services are struggling to care for the people they do have on their books, how do they intend to cope with an extra 3.82 million in England alone? No doubt this is where the government's proposed National Care Service comes in. Yes just what the country needs another government body to oversee services -well the FSA did make such a rip roaring success of overseeing the banks didn't they? Still how like the government to look at a load of disabled folk and see well paid non jobs for their chums rather than some people in need of practical help.
This proposal makes no earthly sense. It will not save money but divert money away from the poorest and most vulnerable to a new and unnecessary tier of an already vast and failing bureaucracy. It will not improve services for the elderly and severely disabled, if anything it will make them a good deal worse by denying them the opportunity to buy in their own assistance privately where state provision is inadequate. Though God help us all if they decide to incorporate 'choice' into each claimant's personal care budget, the paperwork alone that will generate is likely to create fifty new claimants a week and kill at least two people annually. Not to mention the 'do it cheapest fuck the quality' bids the private sector will submit to get on the gravy train.
Every other cash benefit is paid out on the assumption that the claimant knows how to spend it, so why are the disabled being singled out for the 'we know best' treatment. Is that not just a bit patronising? Why substitute a system that, imperfect as it is, at least relies on clearly defined criteria that can be challenged by the claimant or their carer if they're unhappy, for one which puts them at the mercy of a social worker's judgement? There is of course a lot of discussion, mostly ill informed, on the benefits system but never once have I heard anyone demanding we cut benefits and use the proceeds to employ more civil servants and set up a new government body.
As benefits go Attendance Allowance and Disability Living Allowance are our best. They're not means tested but rather paid out on the basis that people with disabilities incur more expenses in the course of trying to live a normal life, like a sort of citizens income for the disabled. At present this money is paid out by the government and mostly paid back out into the economy by the claimant where it is of wider benefit. Who benefits from moving it from one government department to another? Both benefits are massively underclaimed as it is, tying them to inviting a social worker into your home is only going to lead to further underclaiming, in particular by the elderly.
It's a nasty proposal, another civil service job creation scheme at the expense of the worst off. Do not let the bastards away with it. I appreciate cuts in public spending are needed because we've gone mad and bought a few banks but I can think of a few more deserving targets than pensioners and disabled folk. Speaking of which take aim at your MP here , join the campaign against this madness here and spare a moment to read one perspective on just how helpful these benefits are to the people who need them.
Cheerio
* The answer is attempt to open it, fail , accidentially knock it on to the floor and wait for your daughter to drop in after work and cook you something proper.
It takes a very special sort of mind to look at the UK benefits system and decide what it really needs is another layer of bureaucracy but isn't that just like our wonderful government? I am of course referring to the sinister remarks in their Adult Care Green Paper.
Their latest wheeze is to stop paying Attendance Allowance directly in cash to elderly disabled people but instead transfer it directly to social services who will carry out an assessment and decide what care to supply. The wording of the green paper makes continual reference to disability benefits making it very likely that the care component of Disability Living Allowance will end up being paid to social services in the same way.
This means someone like my friend's mum who receives most of her personal care from her daughter and uses her Attendance Allowance to top up her meagre pension, pay a cleaner to call in weekly and take a taxi over to her friend's house once a week will have her income reduced by £47.10 per week and be forced to rely on the 'help' available from social services. She did used to receive care from social services which involved someone sticking a ready meal in a mircrowave around tea time and occasionally remembering to put it in front of her or get her cutlery from the drawer before banging the door on their way out. If you wonder about the quality of social care, imagine a seventy-four year old woman, paralysed down her right side sitting in her living room wondering how on earth she's going to remove the film lid from her ready meal now that her 'carer' has left*. You may appreciate why they decided to struggle on without 'help' from social work -who incredibly had the nerve to charge for this 'service'.
It's obvious social services are struggling to care for the people they do have on their books, how do they intend to cope with an extra 3.82 million in England alone? No doubt this is where the government's proposed National Care Service comes in. Yes just what the country needs another government body to oversee services -well the FSA did make such a rip roaring success of overseeing the banks didn't they? Still how like the government to look at a load of disabled folk and see well paid non jobs for their chums rather than some people in need of practical help.
This proposal makes no earthly sense. It will not save money but divert money away from the poorest and most vulnerable to a new and unnecessary tier of an already vast and failing bureaucracy. It will not improve services for the elderly and severely disabled, if anything it will make them a good deal worse by denying them the opportunity to buy in their own assistance privately where state provision is inadequate. Though God help us all if they decide to incorporate 'choice' into each claimant's personal care budget, the paperwork alone that will generate is likely to create fifty new claimants a week and kill at least two people annually. Not to mention the 'do it cheapest fuck the quality' bids the private sector will submit to get on the gravy train.
Every other cash benefit is paid out on the assumption that the claimant knows how to spend it, so why are the disabled being singled out for the 'we know best' treatment. Is that not just a bit patronising? Why substitute a system that, imperfect as it is, at least relies on clearly defined criteria that can be challenged by the claimant or their carer if they're unhappy, for one which puts them at the mercy of a social worker's judgement? There is of course a lot of discussion, mostly ill informed, on the benefits system but never once have I heard anyone demanding we cut benefits and use the proceeds to employ more civil servants and set up a new government body.
As benefits go Attendance Allowance and Disability Living Allowance are our best. They're not means tested but rather paid out on the basis that people with disabilities incur more expenses in the course of trying to live a normal life, like a sort of citizens income for the disabled. At present this money is paid out by the government and mostly paid back out into the economy by the claimant where it is of wider benefit. Who benefits from moving it from one government department to another? Both benefits are massively underclaimed as it is, tying them to inviting a social worker into your home is only going to lead to further underclaiming, in particular by the elderly.
It's a nasty proposal, another civil service job creation scheme at the expense of the worst off. Do not let the bastards away with it. I appreciate cuts in public spending are needed because we've gone mad and bought a few banks but I can think of a few more deserving targets than pensioners and disabled folk. Speaking of which take aim at your MP here , join the campaign against this madness here and spare a moment to read one perspective on just how helpful these benefits are to the people who need them.
Cheerio
* The answer is attempt to open it, fail , accidentially knock it on to the floor and wait for your daughter to drop in after work and cook you something proper.
8/03/2009
8/01/2009
Really Quite Astonishing
Hello,
Obviously as we all know the most terrifying phrase in the English language is 'come and see my friends band'. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred it involves watching a load of spotty boys trying and failing to sound like some popular mediocrity or worse being wacky or worst of all- sensitive. Consequently I try and avoid going to see any friend's bands because I always end up resenting them for robbing me of an hour of my life that could have been better spent watching River City or sleeping.
However I broke my rule last night by going to see The Hidden Masters at McChullis and for once, allowing my curiosity to get the better of me proved to be one of my better decisions. They are jaw droppingly good, really quite astonishing. In a sane world they'd be all over the tabloids falling out of nightclubs pissed on the proceeds of their offshore investments in one of the world's leading tax havens. As this isn't a sane world the masses are deprived and Coldplay's deal with Satan continues to pay massive dividends.
It's a risky business going to see live music in these parts. I have still not recovered from seeing a young man who's name escapes me playing a really tedious song about candyfloss and genocide and peroxide and suicide and the USA, that was over ten years ago. Then there was that outbreak of all those really thick women who used to dress like two year olds and play really badly for some reason or another apparently inspired by feminism. Still that was all a very long time a go and mercifully such antics are not so widespread nowadays.
Anyway I highly recommend popping along to have a peep at The Hidden Masters next time they're in your neck of the woods. Marvel at a band who actually make an effort to be entertaining, gasp as you realise you have not wasted a whole evening watching a gaggle of twats trying to recreate 1982 badly, send yourself mad wondering why they haven't been handed a fat record contract and a mansion full of sexually adventurous models to play with. Honestly you will not be sorry.
In a totally unrelated bit of news I'm still fundraising for my guerrilla gardening troop and our ongoing effort to blanket Glasgow in ten thousand spring blooms. All we need is 76 people to chip in a tenner and we've hit our target. Thanks to those who've helped out so far, it really is much appreciated.
Cheerio
Obviously as we all know the most terrifying phrase in the English language is 'come and see my friends band'. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred it involves watching a load of spotty boys trying and failing to sound like some popular mediocrity or worse being wacky or worst of all- sensitive. Consequently I try and avoid going to see any friend's bands because I always end up resenting them for robbing me of an hour of my life that could have been better spent watching River City or sleeping.
However I broke my rule last night by going to see The Hidden Masters at McChullis and for once, allowing my curiosity to get the better of me proved to be one of my better decisions. They are jaw droppingly good, really quite astonishing. In a sane world they'd be all over the tabloids falling out of nightclubs pissed on the proceeds of their offshore investments in one of the world's leading tax havens. As this isn't a sane world the masses are deprived and Coldplay's deal with Satan continues to pay massive dividends.
It's a risky business going to see live music in these parts. I have still not recovered from seeing a young man who's name escapes me playing a really tedious song about candyfloss and genocide and peroxide and suicide and the USA, that was over ten years ago. Then there was that outbreak of all those really thick women who used to dress like two year olds and play really badly for some reason or another apparently inspired by feminism. Still that was all a very long time a go and mercifully such antics are not so widespread nowadays.
Anyway I highly recommend popping along to have a peep at The Hidden Masters next time they're in your neck of the woods. Marvel at a band who actually make an effort to be entertaining, gasp as you realise you have not wasted a whole evening watching a gaggle of twats trying to recreate 1982 badly, send yourself mad wondering why they haven't been handed a fat record contract and a mansion full of sexually adventurous models to play with. Honestly you will not be sorry.
In a totally unrelated bit of news I'm still fundraising for my guerrilla gardening troop and our ongoing effort to blanket Glasgow in ten thousand spring blooms. All we need is 76 people to chip in a tenner and we've hit our target. Thanks to those who've helped out so far, it really is much appreciated.
Cheerio
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)