Sex, Offices and the Price-Andres

As anyone who has ever had to step into an office knows, the main challenge is to keep boredom at bay. Actually for me it's living in fear of my 'system' being wrecked by the enforcement of a 'clean desk policy' but for most staying awake long enough to get the days work done is the problem. I do recall working in an office where the larger and more excitable ladies would bounce around singing 'Stayin Awake' to the tune of 'Stayin Alive' but that was all along time ago and my friends in the NHS have been able to repair the worst of the damage.

I think this accounts for a great deal of office humour. Unfortunately this does occasionally manifest itself in grown men wearing Homer Simpson ties and being zany which I know makes some folk angry but causes me no end of amusement albeit tinged with a sneer that I'm not sure the wearers of these garments would be altogether happy with.

This week, good old sex has been the topic for chuckles and specifically the question who is your 'would but shouldn't'. A sort of a rehash of Viz's 'occasional 'Borderline Boilers' feature. For those unfamiliar with this little bit of Viz genius, I think the line 'your eyes say no but your balls say go' covers it. The question threw up some surprising answers Gerald Depardieu, Boris Johnson and Richard Madeley are assured of a quick bunk up should they choose to visit Glasgow. I'm afraid I couldn't think of an answer and was sadly beaten to the punch by a young lady who caused minor, good humoured uproar by saying 'anyone'.

It's a puzzling question, as if I or anyone who thought about it for more than two seconds is going to knock back the offer of a quick go on someone they fancy because they think everyone will laugh at them. Good God it's not as if they're being asked to do it in public. Come to think of it it's not as if the celebrity community are wandering around looking to proposition bored office workers.

It would be a hoot if they did. I rather fancy it would make an excellent TV programme 'Celebrity Sex Surprise' cue Jeremy Beadle style voiceover 'what Mary doesn't know is that when she get's home instead of her husband being there to greet her, a nude Bill Oddie will be standing in the hall with a very indecent celebrity proposal'. Obviously while this is going on Mary and her family will be in the studio audience and the camera will cut to their chuckles as the footage is shown of mummy performing an impromptu pole dance for Oddie who will turn to the camera and announce with a leer and a double thumbs up 'this is what I call birdwatching -a couple of great tits there'.

I suspect Jordan would probably up for it I can just see her droning in that flat and oddly joyless voice 'I am going to give you the ride of your life' all the while wearing a facial expression more suited to a performance of 'Is That All There Is?' than sexual ecstacy. Still you can't blame the lassie can you? Personally if I had her target market of leering sexual inadequates I'd struggle to restrain myself from poking their eyes out. Let's face it she's only faking the boredom to mask the burning contempt. I'm actually rather partial to our Miss Price and have been enjoying her torture of the hapless Mr Andre no end, there's something about his 'I'm such a nice guy' act that leads to suspect he really is and it's not a pose. How I long to shout 'grow a pair of balls doormat' at him. Why is he such a weed? What's wrong with him? I'll bet you a tenner he writes his name all in lowercase -freak. I realise he's not what you might call a thinker but surely even he can see the way he is invites contempt rather than respect. I am rather pleased they did away with national service all things considered but it's hard to look at Mr Andre and not mourn it's loss.


1 comment:

Uncle Dick Madeley said...

Any particular address in Glasgow?