Hello,
Have any of you ever visited Trafalgar Square? I have and it's pleasant enough as squares go but I can't help but think it could do with livening up. Happily I think I've found just the plan.
Those wacky fundaloons at Islam4UK have taken a break from shouting at servicemen and annoying folk to cast their disapproving eyes over Trafalgar Square. Thankfully they've come up with something more constructive than shouting at it and have rather thoughtfully put together a plan to make it more Islamic. When I say Islamic, try and think of a more peyote influenced version than what you may be used to. Anyway without further ado here are the changes.
Firstly that 'notorious fornicator' Nelson has to go. Unfortunately for poor old Nelson 'under the Shari'ah, the construction and elevation of statues or idols is prohibited, and consequently, the statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson would be removed and demolished without hesitation'. Now don't all start moaning about 'bloody Muslims' conspiring to make us all gawp at a big boring column with nothing on top as if this is some mad half baked scheme. Obviously Nelson will be replaced. With an Islamic clock. I must confess I'm not exactly sure what an Islamic clock is but I feel certain one designed by the lads at Islam4UK will have us all turning our watches back 500 years or so.
Perhaps most exciting of all are their plans for the lions. At first I was outraged, I like the lions and wanted to keep them but like Nelson they're statues so need to be demolished without hesitation. The lions won't go to waste, instead they'll be melted down 'and its bronze composition utilized, possibly in artillery as a defensive measure against any impending attack from outside forces, such as France'. No way would the French mess with us if we had bronze cannons! Take that France!
The lions will then be replaced by 'pots of gold coins....., so as to provide all members of the public with the opportunity to freely take money and fulfil any need that they might have'.
Now does that not sound a much better way of distributing welfare than having people queueing up in the post office? It's a wonderful idea. I mean it would be much easier for everyone if instead of boring benefit forms the government just left a big pile of gold coins in Trafalgar Square and the needy could just help themselves to their fair share. Obviously the pot will need topping up from time to time, once everyone has taken their fair share but Islam4UK ,unlike some some duck house, flipping crooks I could mention, are quite clear that they won't be wasting public money on useless ornaments so the pots will never be empty. Not of course that anyone will need to take so much as a single coin from the pots because 'the divine justice meted out by the Shari'ah'
will ensure all our needs are met! Hurrah!
If I may offer the fellows at Islam4UK a bit of well meant friendly criticism I just don't think they're being ambitious enough. What's the use in having a lovely Islam compliant square if we're all going up the road to unIslamic houses? To that end I propose that the lads get their own Islamic home makeover TV show. It'd be a smash! Just imagine Anjem Choudray wafting about in leather breeks like Lawerence Llewelyn-Bowen, stenciling the entire Qur'an over MDF panelling, pausing only to call 'Handy Andy' a grunting infidel oik before beating him with a book of fabric samples. TV gold.
Please click on the link at the top of the post to see the plans. They're priceless and yes there are pictures.
Cheerio
10/21/2009
10/16/2009
Let's Hope Jan Moir Dies Fucking a Goat.
Hello,
What drugs is Jan Moir on? Has a tragic accident in the kitchen caused a logic bypass? What on earth had poor Stephen Gately ever done to anyone?
As you may be aware Stephen Gately from Boyzone died rather unexpectedly last weekend in Majorca. Given his youth and the sudden nature of his death a postmortem was carried out which found his death was from natural causes. In addition the police investigated presumably to establish what happened on the evening leading up to his death and to rule out anything more sinister than a tragic premature and sudden death.
Despite having no evidence or expertise in investigating deaths, Jan Moir has decided that the coroner got it wrong and Mr Gately died because he was gay. I can only assume that Jan's first draft entitled 'The Filthy Queer Had it Coming' proved too much even for The Daily Mail. Consequently the repulsive, fat bitch had to haul her big, lardy, arse back to her keyboard and find some justification for rejoicing over the barely cold corpse of a dead man in his early thirties.
I'm afraid Jan doesn't do very well. She gives us an account of the the known events of the evening and implies that these must be the real cause of death despite all the evidence pointing towards natural causes. In any case even if he'd died of exhaustion following a record breaking horse orgy his death would still be sad, what with him being a fairly pleasant young man with friends and relatives who loved him.
Incidentally if Jan Moir really feels so strongly about death resulting risky lifestyles she would be better seeking help for her most obvious problem - lack of appetite control and exercise. Her byline photo shows that she is not merely overweight but morbidly obese. It's hypocritical to go pointing fingers at dead gays for what she feels were their dangerous, sleazy lifestyles when she is very likely to die prematurely as a result of her excessive consumption of food. Judge not lest ye be judged porky! That's just some of those Christian values the Mail are so fond of but never get round to practicing.
Still not content with dancing on Stephen Gately's grave Kevin McGee, the ex partner of Matt Lucas is dragged into it. Kevin McGee killed himself. Stephen Gately died of natural causes but they were both gay and in civil partnerships so in Jan's mind there must be a link. According to Moir their completely unrelated and the entirely different circumstances of their deaths 'strike another blow to the myth of happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships'.
I must say I had no idea there was any such myth. It must be news to the government as well because there are procedures in place for ending such partnerships. It's almost as if it's expected that some partnerships will succeed and some will fail. I expect that's why the few folk I know who are in one gave it a bit thought before taking the plunge.
Quite how two deaths prove anything about homosexuality or civil partnerships is not made clear but I'm sure Jan knows what she's talking about. After all she can prove a coroner is wrong simply by disapproving of the corpses lifestyle. Fuck me, fatty is a genius. This brings me to some troubling news for married hetrosexuals. Neil Ellerbeck was recently jailed for killing his wife, not only that a married woman was locked up a few weeks back for fiddling with kids and I think we can all think of someone we know who has been divorced. Now if you completely ignore all the happy and successful marriages out there I think you'll agree the above cases all demolish the case of marriage.
The headline of Moir's article is quite peculiar. I can't see anything strange, lonely or troubling about Gately's death. He died in his sleep after what sounds to me like a good night out. The only troubling aspect of his death was that he was so young. Then again I rather like the idea of folk being happy and enjoying themselves whereas Moir seeks to cheer herself up in between snacks by dragging everyone else down. I can only assume it took a crowbar or the miracle of photoshop to get her smiling like an ageing hooker in her byline snap rather than displaying her usual cats arse of a mouth.
It's ironic that Stephen Gately stayed in the closet for the early part of his career for fear of public reaction to his sexuality, only to come out and find reactions ranged from supportive to indifferent. I took that as a sign we might have moved on a bit. And indeed we have. Shame Moir's idea of progress is waiting until gays are dead before launching nasty, unwarranted, small minded poisonous attacks on them.
Cheerio
What drugs is Jan Moir on? Has a tragic accident in the kitchen caused a logic bypass? What on earth had poor Stephen Gately ever done to anyone?
As you may be aware Stephen Gately from Boyzone died rather unexpectedly last weekend in Majorca. Given his youth and the sudden nature of his death a postmortem was carried out which found his death was from natural causes. In addition the police investigated presumably to establish what happened on the evening leading up to his death and to rule out anything more sinister than a tragic premature and sudden death.
Despite having no evidence or expertise in investigating deaths, Jan Moir has decided that the coroner got it wrong and Mr Gately died because he was gay. I can only assume that Jan's first draft entitled 'The Filthy Queer Had it Coming' proved too much even for The Daily Mail. Consequently the repulsive, fat bitch had to haul her big, lardy, arse back to her keyboard and find some justification for rejoicing over the barely cold corpse of a dead man in his early thirties.
I'm afraid Jan doesn't do very well. She gives us an account of the the known events of the evening and implies that these must be the real cause of death despite all the evidence pointing towards natural causes. In any case even if he'd died of exhaustion following a record breaking horse orgy his death would still be sad, what with him being a fairly pleasant young man with friends and relatives who loved him.
Incidentally if Jan Moir really feels so strongly about death resulting risky lifestyles she would be better seeking help for her most obvious problem - lack of appetite control and exercise. Her byline photo shows that she is not merely overweight but morbidly obese. It's hypocritical to go pointing fingers at dead gays for what she feels were their dangerous, sleazy lifestyles when she is very likely to die prematurely as a result of her excessive consumption of food. Judge not lest ye be judged porky! That's just some of those Christian values the Mail are so fond of but never get round to practicing.
Still not content with dancing on Stephen Gately's grave Kevin McGee, the ex partner of Matt Lucas is dragged into it. Kevin McGee killed himself. Stephen Gately died of natural causes but they were both gay and in civil partnerships so in Jan's mind there must be a link. According to Moir their completely unrelated and the entirely different circumstances of their deaths 'strike another blow to the myth of happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships'.
I must say I had no idea there was any such myth. It must be news to the government as well because there are procedures in place for ending such partnerships. It's almost as if it's expected that some partnerships will succeed and some will fail. I expect that's why the few folk I know who are in one gave it a bit thought before taking the plunge.
Quite how two deaths prove anything about homosexuality or civil partnerships is not made clear but I'm sure Jan knows what she's talking about. After all she can prove a coroner is wrong simply by disapproving of the corpses lifestyle. Fuck me, fatty is a genius. This brings me to some troubling news for married hetrosexuals. Neil Ellerbeck was recently jailed for killing his wife, not only that a married woman was locked up a few weeks back for fiddling with kids and I think we can all think of someone we know who has been divorced. Now if you completely ignore all the happy and successful marriages out there I think you'll agree the above cases all demolish the case of marriage.
The headline of Moir's article is quite peculiar. I can't see anything strange, lonely or troubling about Gately's death. He died in his sleep after what sounds to me like a good night out. The only troubling aspect of his death was that he was so young. Then again I rather like the idea of folk being happy and enjoying themselves whereas Moir seeks to cheer herself up in between snacks by dragging everyone else down. I can only assume it took a crowbar or the miracle of photoshop to get her smiling like an ageing hooker in her byline snap rather than displaying her usual cats arse of a mouth.
It's ironic that Stephen Gately stayed in the closet for the early part of his career for fear of public reaction to his sexuality, only to come out and find reactions ranged from supportive to indifferent. I took that as a sign we might have moved on a bit. And indeed we have. Shame Moir's idea of progress is waiting until gays are dead before launching nasty, unwarranted, small minded poisonous attacks on them.
Cheerio
10/08/2009
It's like a very strange dream
Hello,
I was pootling about the internet when I stumbled across this old rant by and I regret to inform you, I'm not joking, my brother's favourite comedian, Jim Davidson. Today's strut across the plains of the internet has been like a very strange dream. First up I got an email calling me a 'murderous Jew cunt' for no discernible reason and which murderous cunt aside lacks accuracy. Then I saw this , then this before finally encountering the full loopiness of Davidson. I really wonder if I have woken up in some sort of parallel universe.
It seems that Mr Davidson is unhappy with the level of crime in Britain, a fair enough point and a fairly mainstream view. However he then goes on to inform us that the situation is much better in Dubai in a manner which suggests that he'd like a bit of the same here. In other words it would appear that Jim Davidson has written an open letter to our Home Secretary requesting the introduction of Sharia law in Britain. Oh my sainted aunt.
As resorts go Dubai is hardly Club Tropicana. This website reckons it's the 'dream holiday place' which it might well be if you're a lunatic puritan but frankly it sounds rubbish. For a start you can't even shag a chap unless you're married to him! Worse still you can't even be alone with a chap, even for an innocent chat if you're not related. Freaks! Their drug laws are barking mad, even more so than our state sponsored overreaction. Look what happened to these poor folk. They also take a dim view of miscarriages.
Still we must remember that Mr Davidson has been a victim of crime in the UK himself despite having 'a personal security team' comprised of 'ex-Hereford hooligans' which isn't rewarding crime at all is it? Anyway as I was saying Jim did have some bother with the UK crime last time he was over here.
According to Davidson there was a man on his face and he needed a copper to tell the man to wind his neck in. I know, I know, it could only happen to Davidson! He's mad! No, honestly I really do think he's mentally disturbed. What other explanation can there be? When the police told him he'd need to come to the station and make a complaint he told them and this bit beggars belief, that he'd get his ex-hooligans to deal with it instead. What sort of idiot phones the police and tells them they are about to pay their staff to assault someone? Jesus wept. Naturally the police threatened to prosecute him. That does tend to happen if you phone them up and tell them you are about to commit a crime even if it's in retaliation.
In any case if I were the police I'd take any report of a crime from Davidson with a pinch of salt. Not solely from malevolence but because he has something of a tendency to overreact. Look at how he responds to finding himself in the same room as someone with comic timing.
Cheerio
I was pootling about the internet when I stumbled across this old rant by and I regret to inform you, I'm not joking, my brother's favourite comedian, Jim Davidson. Today's strut across the plains of the internet has been like a very strange dream. First up I got an email calling me a 'murderous Jew cunt' for no discernible reason and which murderous cunt aside lacks accuracy. Then I saw this , then this before finally encountering the full loopiness of Davidson. I really wonder if I have woken up in some sort of parallel universe.
It seems that Mr Davidson is unhappy with the level of crime in Britain, a fair enough point and a fairly mainstream view. However he then goes on to inform us that the situation is much better in Dubai in a manner which suggests that he'd like a bit of the same here. In other words it would appear that Jim Davidson has written an open letter to our Home Secretary requesting the introduction of Sharia law in Britain. Oh my sainted aunt.
As resorts go Dubai is hardly Club Tropicana. This website reckons it's the 'dream holiday place' which it might well be if you're a lunatic puritan but frankly it sounds rubbish. For a start you can't even shag a chap unless you're married to him! Worse still you can't even be alone with a chap, even for an innocent chat if you're not related. Freaks! Their drug laws are barking mad, even more so than our state sponsored overreaction. Look what happened to these poor folk. They also take a dim view of miscarriages.
Still we must remember that Mr Davidson has been a victim of crime in the UK himself despite having 'a personal security team' comprised of 'ex-Hereford hooligans' which isn't rewarding crime at all is it? Anyway as I was saying Jim did have some bother with the UK crime last time he was over here.
According to Davidson there was a man on his face and he needed a copper to tell the man to wind his neck in. I know, I know, it could only happen to Davidson! He's mad! No, honestly I really do think he's mentally disturbed. What other explanation can there be? When the police told him he'd need to come to the station and make a complaint he told them and this bit beggars belief, that he'd get his ex-hooligans to deal with it instead. What sort of idiot phones the police and tells them they are about to pay their staff to assault someone? Jesus wept. Naturally the police threatened to prosecute him. That does tend to happen if you phone them up and tell them you are about to commit a crime even if it's in retaliation.
In any case if I were the police I'd take any report of a crime from Davidson with a pinch of salt. Not solely from malevolence but because he has something of a tendency to overreact. Look at how he responds to finding himself in the same room as someone with comic timing.
Cheerio
10/06/2009
You Can't Tax Me, I'm Special.
Hello,
Good God, I see Tracey Emin is pulling a Phil Collins and threatening to leave the country for tax purposes. Well don't let the door bang your arse on the way out, dear. I know it's always argued that if you say anything snide about someone rich moaning about tax it's because one is jealous and has posters of Arthur Scargill on the wall. I can't speak for anyone else because in order to do so I'd have to make the effort to find out what they think and I can't be bothered. It won't be interesting. So instead I shall speak for myself. I'm not jealous of her wealth because the only reason she's richer than me is that I haven't found a lucrative racket as yet but I'm confident I will at some stage between now and the grave. I pity her being such a tightwad. I try to avoid complaining about tax in case people think I'm poor. I have my pride.
I also pity her for being such a thicko about the whole tax thing. First she complains that she's going to be charged so much tax she'll be forced to go and live in France. Of course on the face of it 40% income tax seems quite attractive in comparison to 50% but it fails to take into account VAT of 19.6%, bank interest charged at 18%, 8% 'Social Charges', Social Security charges of anything from 13% to 22%, optional health care charges of 8% and not one but two local taxes. If I were averse to taxation the last place on earth I'd be going is France.
Furthermore if I were averse to taxation I wouldn't be whining that the French subsidise more artists than we do. Oh and if I had made myself rich through art I might refrain from gurning about the lack of government subsidy for art in the UK when I'm not willing to pay for it. She's done alright off tax payers money and I suspect would be the first to through a blue fit if we all started demanding value for our money. I mean, I thought our Trace was quite the hoot when I thought Saatchi was paying for it, had I known we were in on the whip round I'd have taken a sterner view.
Quite frankly it speaks volumes that her main objections to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq is the cost. It's also telling that she reckons the Olympics are a waste of money. Taxpayers generosity it seems should not extend to any industry Tracey doesn't benefit from personally. It may surprise Tracey to learn that the world, let alone the UK tax system is not there for her sole benefit. Truly taxes are for the little people. I'm quite sure France is similarly indifferent to Emin's financial situation, unless of course we are on the cusp of an episode even more horrifying than the French revolution.
Cheerio
Good God, I see Tracey Emin is pulling a Phil Collins and threatening to leave the country for tax purposes. Well don't let the door bang your arse on the way out, dear. I know it's always argued that if you say anything snide about someone rich moaning about tax it's because one is jealous and has posters of Arthur Scargill on the wall. I can't speak for anyone else because in order to do so I'd have to make the effort to find out what they think and I can't be bothered. It won't be interesting. So instead I shall speak for myself. I'm not jealous of her wealth because the only reason she's richer than me is that I haven't found a lucrative racket as yet but I'm confident I will at some stage between now and the grave. I pity her being such a tightwad. I try to avoid complaining about tax in case people think I'm poor. I have my pride.
I also pity her for being such a thicko about the whole tax thing. First she complains that she's going to be charged so much tax she'll be forced to go and live in France. Of course on the face of it 40% income tax seems quite attractive in comparison to 50% but it fails to take into account VAT of 19.6%, bank interest charged at 18%, 8% 'Social Charges', Social Security charges of anything from 13% to 22%, optional health care charges of 8% and not one but two local taxes. If I were averse to taxation the last place on earth I'd be going is France.
Furthermore if I were averse to taxation I wouldn't be whining that the French subsidise more artists than we do. Oh and if I had made myself rich through art I might refrain from gurning about the lack of government subsidy for art in the UK when I'm not willing to pay for it. She's done alright off tax payers money and I suspect would be the first to through a blue fit if we all started demanding value for our money. I mean, I thought our Trace was quite the hoot when I thought Saatchi was paying for it, had I known we were in on the whip round I'd have taken a sterner view.
Quite frankly it speaks volumes that her main objections to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq is the cost. It's also telling that she reckons the Olympics are a waste of money. Taxpayers generosity it seems should not extend to any industry Tracey doesn't benefit from personally. It may surprise Tracey to learn that the world, let alone the UK tax system is not there for her sole benefit. Truly taxes are for the little people. I'm quite sure France is similarly indifferent to Emin's financial situation, unless of course we are on the cusp of an episode even more horrifying than the French revolution.
Cheerio
10/04/2009
A Plea for Mercy.
Hello,
Something has been troubling me for a while now. First some background. I can be quite sensitive about certain things. Well that's what they tell me, I believe I just have higher standards than most other people but whatever, I have been known to attract derisive laughter when I explain what's troubling me. Make of that what you will.
I came off the happy pills a while back and a few initial wobbles aside it's gone quite well until now. I can be walking along the street quite happily when it -the awful thing assaults my poor eyes. A visual rape I am powerless to defend my goggles against. My human rights are being abused.
It's the new Celtic away strip. Why would they do something like this to innocent people? I like Celtic, admittedly only because they're from Glasgow and the alternatives are unspeakable. Also someone told me that Celtic keep all their money in a biscuit tin like a pensioner that doesn't trust banks which I think is rather wonderful. But none of this alters the fact that they have committed a crime against humanity. For God's sake look at the wretched thing! It's the sportswear version of Medusa. Don't look into it's hoops! You'll end up like Lot's wife or worse.
If it were only worn by Celtic players that would be tolerable as it would only be seen by consenting adults and children with appropriate adult supervision. That isn't what's happening though. Almost everyone in Glasgow is wearing the garment of aesthetic evil. Despite it's obvious ugliness it's a hard thing to look away from. Like a road accident or a decomposing set of Siamese twins. Only worse.
Women are wearing it. Fat people are wearing it. Creatures that look like they come from the Gallowgate are wearing it. Dear Lord I wouldn't raise an eyebrow if huns were wearing it. As I was saying to Mr Clairwil last night there is a very real chance that Celtic's bad style choices are going to put me under the doctor again. Fond as I am of Dr Lindsay and our little chats I prefer to run my own show.
I'm trying to stay strong but this abomination unto the Lord God has to stop. Surely some moderate Celtic fans could make their voices heard and make this visual hell stop. Failing that I could ask some of my mates from the knitting scene to rustle up an acceptable alternative. Either way someone has to act.
Cheerio
Something has been troubling me for a while now. First some background. I can be quite sensitive about certain things. Well that's what they tell me, I believe I just have higher standards than most other people but whatever, I have been known to attract derisive laughter when I explain what's troubling me. Make of that what you will.
I came off the happy pills a while back and a few initial wobbles aside it's gone quite well until now. I can be walking along the street quite happily when it -the awful thing assaults my poor eyes. A visual rape I am powerless to defend my goggles against. My human rights are being abused.
It's the new Celtic away strip. Why would they do something like this to innocent people? I like Celtic, admittedly only because they're from Glasgow and the alternatives are unspeakable. Also someone told me that Celtic keep all their money in a biscuit tin like a pensioner that doesn't trust banks which I think is rather wonderful. But none of this alters the fact that they have committed a crime against humanity. For God's sake look at the wretched thing! It's the sportswear version of Medusa. Don't look into it's hoops! You'll end up like Lot's wife or worse.
If it were only worn by Celtic players that would be tolerable as it would only be seen by consenting adults and children with appropriate adult supervision. That isn't what's happening though. Almost everyone in Glasgow is wearing the garment of aesthetic evil. Despite it's obvious ugliness it's a hard thing to look away from. Like a road accident or a decomposing set of Siamese twins. Only worse.
Women are wearing it. Fat people are wearing it. Creatures that look like they come from the Gallowgate are wearing it. Dear Lord I wouldn't raise an eyebrow if huns were wearing it. As I was saying to Mr Clairwil last night there is a very real chance that Celtic's bad style choices are going to put me under the doctor again. Fond as I am of Dr Lindsay and our little chats I prefer to run my own show.
I'm trying to stay strong but this abomination unto the Lord God has to stop. Surely some moderate Celtic fans could make their voices heard and make this visual hell stop. Failing that I could ask some of my mates from the knitting scene to rustle up an acceptable alternative. Either way someone has to act.
Cheerio
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