Hello,
In a week that saw the Sugababes become pop's very own version of Trigger's broom I have decided to turn my attention to the increasingly dull world of music. I know everyone complains about music as they get older but I've been sat next to the office radio all day which I am convinced must violate one of my more important human rights. At least folk in previous generations had the luxury of saying 'it's just noise', 'it all sounds the same' and 'is that a man or a women?'. What questions does the modern download chart raise? 'Have they started yet?', 'Are they only doing music because they couldn't get jobs in insurance?' and 'Do you reckon he wets the bed?'. Bloody awful. Apart from the bits I don't mind.
I've wandered. What I am meandering towards is this peculiar tantrum by Everett True. He seems like a nice man but many years ago when I was a teenager he was obsessed with Kurt Cobain and wrote about him all day long in some now defunct music paper. It was quite sweet in it's way. I only mention it because the years do not seem to have dimmed his passion for the late Mr Cobain.
As far as I can make out Mr True is in an awful strop because one can footer with the settings on Guitar Hero and make Kurt mime along to songs by Bon Jovi and Bush. This is a very bad thing because it involves associating the image of someone who has a degree of credibility with some people who have less credibility. You see unlike Bon Jovi or Bush, Nirvana never sold out by making commercial music, signing to a major record label or altered their record sleeves and song titles in order to comply with the wishes of Walmart. Oh no! Unlike Gwen Stefani's husband out of Bush of Jon Bon Jovi out of Bon Jovi, Kurt Cobain didn't ruthlessly pursue a major record deal then pretend to be all conflicted and upset about it like it was an airborne virus rather than the result of years of graft.
Oh wait. I think I've got that wrong haven't I? In fact if anything I think if anything the openly careerist Mr Bon Jovi and Mr Gwen Stefani's Husband should be up in arms at having their music associated with such an out and out phony. Of course in reality they'll be delighted at being mentioned in the same breath as the musically superior Nirvana.
I'm sure someone somewhere idolises Jon Bon Jovi but is it really any more absurd than idolising Kurt Cobain? Unless of course one admires Mr Cobain as a man with a good sales pitch or for breathtaking hypocrisy. In which case he wins hands down. That said I suppose one should regard anything that stops the easily impressed admiring John Lennon as a good thing. For all his faults Mr Cobain comes nowhere near the sheer horror of that self-indulgent shit for brains.
I should stress at this point that I couldn't give a fuck about people signing to major record labels. I never did. I'm quite delighted to see musicians making a bob or two. It's wanting it but not having the balls to tell all the sneery, whiny losers where to ram their jealousy dressed up as morality that rips my knitting. There's fuck all wrong with success, having money is a fucking treat. If Cobain had really been that upset by his success in life he'd have given the money to the cat and dog home and refused to record another note for his label. Instead he shot himself because he was just your common or garden nutter. There but for citalopram go I. Having sympathy for the man and his illness is fine but admiring him for it is absurd. One might as well admire my pal at work for her 'Duke of Argylls' or me for having a toenail infection.
If I were Mr True I'd leaf to the end of 'The Boy Looked at Johnny' read the following and recite it at regular intervals in the hope it sinks in.
9/23/2009
No More Heroes
9/20/2009
Brilliant More Arseholes!
Hello,
Good Lord as if we didn't have enough anti-social beer monsters cluttering up the place and getting on everyone's wick I am informed that we in Glasgow (why us?) are due a visit from the English Defence League in November. Wow! I can just see that bringing all colours and creeds together in a rousing round of 'Roll Out the Barrel'.
Apparently they pop up wherever they feel Islamic extremism is eroding their way of life. Bloody hell 'feel' , have they all been watching Oprah or something? I strongly suspect the only thing they feel is the urge to clobber some unpopular minority judging from their recent conduct. Quite how the Muslim extremists of Glasgow have managed to erode the English way of life has not been explained. More to the point whilst there are Muslims in Glasgow with some very dodgy ideas about this world and the next, they are in my experience a minority.
A minority that I have to say don't erode my way of life at all. Other than in airports, which in fairness were disgusting to begin with. Horrid places. Stand up, sit down, wait to be called get in line, stupid questions and festooned all over with little swastikas barking at you not to smoke, mind the hot tap, stand to the left, stand to the right and declare your nuclear bombs all the while minding the slippy floor. As far as I can tell all the mentalist wing of Islam has added to that horror is causing a flap about shoes and liquids at customs.
Anyway as I say the EDL 'feel' that their English way of life is being eroded. Not by their complete lack of interest in anything approaching English culture, unless looking like Phil Mitchell with foetal alcohol syndrome counts as uniquely English, but by the Muslims. This is a puzzle to me. I asked my brother who has been living in England for the last decade or so what it was the Muslims were preventing the English from doing and he was similarly baffled. Perhaps the Muslim influence hasn't reached London yet.
Still the question remains how does one deal with a visit from a group so odious even the leadership of the repellent BNP want nothing to do with them, not that it deters the lower ranking scum from dual membership. The previous tactic seems to have been to bellow at them and meet violence with violence. It is both tempting and understandable to feel violent when faced with sub normal baldy aggro merchants which is why I shall be unsurprised but very disappointed if so much as eyebrow is raised at them.
Instead I'm proposing a mass peaceful 'British In' to disrupt the fuckers. Essentially it's a mass fancy dress with a bit of optional role playing. To take part all one has to do is dress up as any character from British/Scottish history or literature and refuse to move out the way of their stomp or respond to anything they do. Ideally it would be women only but one hates to deter the chaps from protesting against wankers so I'm willing to allow the chaps on board.
The reason I'd prefer a women only protest is simply because of how awful they'll look threatening and beating up a load of women. Still needs must so let's imagine how absurd an English Defence League would look kicking St George's head in or their bastard offspring The Scottish Defence League would seem kicking fuck out of William Wallace. Whoever one dresses up as doesn't have to be one's personal hero or heroine just someone the morons cannot wallop without looking like utter fools and of course the thugs they are. Come on imagine an Asian Muslim Winston Churchill making their heads explode. It'd be the all time hoot. I'm either going as the Queen, Britannia or Robert Burns -it depends on my thighs at the time. Burns wore awfully tight breeches. The naughty fox.
I don't normally go around organising things like this but I'm not having good weegie Muslims monstered in this fashion or this whole debacle descend into a fight. That said we can't just ignore it as they'll only get bigger and worse until it's too late to be anything other than violent.
If we can keep this entirely peaceful on our side we'll win. The moral high ground is ours for the taking. It might just be my cynical mind but an organisation made up of football hooligans wants a fight. I see no reason for divisive violence merchants to be handed what they want.
That's my party piece. Anyone who wants to join me on a counter demonstration can email me for further details.
Cheerio
9/13/2009
All I Wanted Was A Flippant Post ......
Hello,
Normally I write things and people agree which is dull as fucking ditchwater. So I'm pleased to announce that I've miffed someone but instead of bombarding me with mad emails they've left a comment. My intention was to reply in the box but my answer got too big. That doesn't mean it's clever but I've done my best(ish) and that's all the Lord can ask of any of us.
This 'racist Israel' and 'Apartheid state' stuff rips my knitting. Being a minority in any country sucks. Laws, institutions and the mainstream culture is usually geared towards the majority or rather those in power because I've yet to see a nation set up to benefit women despite our numerical advantage. Arabs within Israel have equal voting rights, Arabic is an official language,they have political representation. As far as I can tell the sole legal distinction between Arabs and the Jewish majority is that Arabs are exempt from national service.
That doesn't mean that Israeli Arabs don't face appalling discrimination. Just like our anti racism laws don't alter the fact I'm currently assisting a young Pakistani girl get rehoused as a result of her neighbours charming habits like stabbing her, setting fire to her front door, putting excrement through the letterbox and festooning the landing with swastikas. Nor do our laws the alter the fact that the police cannot get their heads out their arses for long enough to go wild and arrest someone or give a fuck. Does that make Scotland racist or an apartheid state?
Enshrining equality in law doesn't sound like racism or apartheid to me. I'd be entirely unsurprised to learn that Israel failed to live up tothe standards it sets in law, after all segregation ended in the USA some time ago but you'll still find the various ethnic groups living separate lives. Nothing can make racism acceptable so if there is a legal fund one can donate to which assists Arabs hold the Israeli authorities to account for any instance of discrimination then put me down for a regular donation.
As for Israel not wanting a settlement. Their rejection of the Arab plan hardly proves that. Unless of course you are arguing that the Palestinian rejection of the 2000 Camp David plan proves that the Palestinians do not want a settlement which I don't think you are. In addition to Israel recognising borders I'd like to see the Arab nations do so, not only to ameliorate the suffering in cramped Palestine but to pressure the Israelis into reciprocation. Not being a resident I don't have a horse in this race and would support any map that didn't cut through my flat and had the support of the majority on both sides.
I have no doubt the Israeli government commits war crimes. Britain certainly did in Northern Ireland and more recently Iraq. Are we to boycott every nation that commits war crimes? If so, dig tunnels and store grain because you're in for lean times. I can also recommend a subscription to 'Grow Your Own' magazine.
I think the boycott of Israel is very different indeed to the boycott of South Africa. Let me declare upfront that I'm very uncomfortable about completely boycotting nations, selective boycotts I'm a little more open to. I did boycott South African goods during apartheid. At that time as a staunch ANC supporter I would have accepted anything the ANC said. Maybe no bad thing but I was also a staunch and uncritical supporter of the Provisional IRA at the time, so you can assess my judgement accordingly.
What I will say is that I remember the 'Boycott South Africa' folk outside my local supermarket. They used to hand you a leaflet listing products they wanted you to boycott rather than request you boycott an entire chain for selling products from a country that all it's competitors were selling. Why should I boycott Tesco but not Sainsburys? Both sell Israeli products. What's the difference? I did ask the fellow I know in the campaign the very same question and sincerely hope the answer he gave does reflect the prejudices of the entire movement he's part of.
However let's compare the two boycotts. In boycotting South Africa, whilst harming the meagre economic interests of black workers we were doing far more harm to minority white rule. In boycotting South Africa we were upholding democratic principles in that we backed the majority. In boycotting Israel we undemocratically boycott the majority of that nation which I believe would have the effect of uniting the Israelis behind their government. I only think how I felt at the prospect of an American boycott at the release of Megrahi. Even if I'd opposed it I'd have resented the outside interference and got behind my government. Back to Israel, 'Kauft nicht bei Juden!' just might have a wee bit of resonance in that neck of the woods. Is that more likely to bring Israel to the negotiating table or have them use it as a barricade?
In any case America has deep pockets and could probably afford to slip the middle east's only friendly democracy a quid or two on top of the usual. Now if a boycott of the illegal settlements was proposed I'd be all for it. But that isnt what is being proposed is it?
The idea that I was being anything other than silly and flippant in my mild irritation at not getting an Irn Bru is quite offensive. In particular when it's used to imply I feel that my passing fancies are more important than the lives of people or children. Palestinian, Jewish or whatever.
I'm sorry but I find comparisons between Israel and Nazi Germany downright offensive. There's a whole lot injustice to go before you get to holocaust. When the Israelis propose the 'final solution' and start loading folk onto trains I'll start screaming holocaust but until then I'll just see a nation with a heavy handed defence policy that does itself no favours.
Quite apart from anything else I'd like to see evidence that Israel is the nation with the worst human rights record at present. For some reason no one can show me that. I seem to remember opposing the Iraq war and being (rightly) told that we can't invade every nation with a dodgy human rights record.
A quick strut though any supermarket will show you how hard it is to boycott nations and eat an adequate diet. So why is Israel top of the list? Is it the world's No1 human rights abuser? If not why are we not boycotting the other chart toppers?
Cheerio
9/11/2009
All I Wanted Was An Irn Bru
Hello,
I was skipping along Stockwell Street earlier today full of the joys of late summer/early autumn when I had a sudden craving for some Irn Bru. Realising I needed a few other messages I nipped over to the nearest shop; my local Tesco. Only to be thwarted. All I wanted was my messages.
This is the second time this has happened. The bloody 'Boycott Israel' folk were out protesting. Normally I'd just swan by such a minor inconvenience but I know one of them and could not be arsed having to explain myself over the whole Israel/Palestine business. He's always been pleasant to me but he was very unpleasant to a Muslim friend of mine who is rather more sympathetic to Israel than he felt she should be given her background.
I have had never had a conversation with anyone pro-Palestinian over the big ding dong without being subjected to amazing facts like Israel was founded after the second world war and then a forty minute whine about how they got the location all wrong. What is it they want me to do? Perfect the art of time travel and put it somewhere else? No. Boycott Tesco apparently. Jesus wept.
It's not that I don't feel sorry for the Palestinians. I do. Poor sods stuck behind that wall and 80% of your supporters worldwide being a shower of hectoring cunts . It can't be easy. How the Palestinians hearts must sink to the ground when they hear about all the support that's out there for them and realise it comes from the world's most po faced and argumentative dullards with wallpapering tables. Palestine -the unlucky Alf of oppressed nations.
Anyway back to me I avoided Tesco and nipped into Marks and Spencer instead. It was only when I got home I realised the coriander I'd purchased on a whim was Israeli. Had the Boycott Israel types let me into the wee Tesco I'd never have laid eyes on anything as exotic as fresh herbs. Instead I'd have got my Scottish Irn Bru, a British paper, a bottle of Chilean wine and skipped off up the road with not a penny going to Israel.
Not I hasten to add that I have the smallest intention of boycotting Israel. If I thought it would bring about a solution to the dispute I'd be manning the wallpaper table and roaring for a boycott. Sorry call me an evil zionist but I can't see the merit in economically ruining a country surrounded by nations that want to wipe it off the map for having a heavy handed and counterproductive defence policy.
I don't remember anyone calling for a mass boycott of British goods during the troubles in protest at our often disgraceful behaviour on that contested bit of land. Nor do I see any calls to boycott The Czech Republic for it's treatment of the Roma people or Saudi Arabia for their treatment of women and Shia Muslims or Sudan for their treatment of women or Afghanistan for their treatment of women or Turkey for it's corrupt police force and treatment of the Kurds or Japan for executing mentally ill criminals or Tunisia for torture or Uzbekistan for human rights abuses or Zimbabwe for everything or....well I could go on but I won't so feel free to add your own.
Cheerio
9/07/2009
He's Back
Hello,
Mike Read is back at The Guardian! What do you mean who? The legendary broadcaster, author and producer of a truly remarkable musical of the life of Oscar Wilde and perhaps most noble of all the man who put London first by stepping aside to make way for Boris.
I am sure I speak for all Mike's fans or crews as we prefer to be known when I say welcome back Mike!
Cheerio
9/04/2009
All Hail Lubna 'whip me if you dare' Hussein
Hello,
I'm not one of these proud to be a woman types. Not because there's anything wrong with being female but it's not something I had an awful lot to do with. To be proud of it would be like being proud of having big feet, it's just how I was born. I'm happy enough with that, although key moments of my life have been ruined for lack of a penis. Ideally I'd like to be able to switch genders at will but nature is not known for her generosity on the gender front. That said every so often a woman does something so heroic, courageous and downright brilliant that one does get the urge to strut around saying 'that's one of my lot' and basking in a bit of reflected glory. What can I say I'm a awful glory seeker.
I am referring to the brave and defiant Ms Lubna Hussein who has been sentenced to forty lashes by the savages that run Sudan for wearing trousers. What makes this woman so remarkable and sets her apart from most of the rest of us is that as an employee of the UN she was offered immunity by the Sundanese authorities. Instead of grabbing this opportunity with both hands she resigned from the UN in order to take the punishment and use her case to highlight the despicable behaviour of these sexually inadequate brutes.
Funnily enough these upstanding moral guardians are notoriously dishonest and regularly demand sexual favours from the women they arrest. You might feel a sliver of pity for these repellent chaps for being unable to get laid without using force but I'm inclined to repress that and send that portion of the pity ration to someone more deserving like Donald Trump. At least the thieving, lying, raping morality police get to feel good about themselves. In contrast Trump must sob himself to sleep thinking about that hair.
Whilst I would indulge in a cheeky lady chuckle if the world's women formed an army, invaded Sudan and strung every last member of their government up, the prospect is quite unlikely. Instead I have sent a letter, well more a miracle of restraint of to the Sudanese Embassy asking if they wouldn't mind giving the lashes a miss. Obviously what I wanted to write was 'would you wretched pigs do the world a favour and kill yourselves' but it's not terribly persuasive is it? The small penis jibes and wicked curses also hit the cutting room floor as did the threats to set fire to the ambassadors testicles and steal his Ferrero Rocher. Still it's hard to appeal to the better side of people who are so uniformly fucking awful, so it was a very short letter.
If anyone else is as eye poppingly angry about this as I am please write a polite letter to the Sudanese Embassy at 3 Cleveland Row, London, SW1A 1DD. For the sort of people who turn up on Reporting Scotland vox pops if you could put about one hundredth of the energy into supporting Ms Hussein as you do into worrying just how vast your arse looks in trousers and get an adult to help you with a letter to the Sudanese Embassy you might be able to point to at least one useful thing you've done in your pointless bovine life. There is also a petition to sign here.
Cheerio
