I was wildly excited this morning when my polling card for next months European election landed on my doormat. I'm perfectly serious, I love voting. God alone knows why, as far as I can tell you'd have more influence if you locked yourself in a public convenience and wrote dirty words on a wall. For some reason by the time polling day comes I have worked myself into such a state that I come to believe that the whole election hangs on my vote. On wrong X and Labour could get in yet again!
Which brings me to my troubling dilemma. Having looked at the choice on offer I have whittled it down to two lucky finalists. I rather like the SNP candidate and think he would do a good job but that's a bit of a waste in Europe as it's a gigantic undemocratic, expenses scam. He seems like a nice chap but what if he got in with a bad crowd on the expenses scene? Think about it, he'd be the new boy, feeling a bit alone then the cool crowd take an interest in him. He feels great and bit flattered to have such exciting new friends and that's when they'll pounce! What if they corner him and tell him he's a pussy if he doesn't bump up his expenses. Of course he'd be the one caught and made an example of and no one would believe that the bullies made him do it and in real life he's a fellow brought up with the utmost care by respectable parents. All that's wrtong with him is that he's pro-EU.
It's a schoolyard classic used to happen all the time round the smokers during my days at secondary. I'll never forget the day poor Jatinder got booted out of school for grand larceny after being lured into leading role in a badly planned school equipment heist by the neds. I'm afraid it was partly my fault, he was a perfectly well behaved boy until a teacher made him my 'special responsibility' on account of what she felt was my 'calming influence'. Unfortunately he resented my authority and rebelled with disastrous consequences. With hindsight I could have handled the whole situation better. Instead of treating him like a person I acted like I'd been given a toy. If I wasn't threatening to debag him and spank his bare arse in front of the whole school I was trying to put baubles in his hair or lipstick on his face. Never underestimate the havoc that can be wrought by getting in with the wrong sort of folk. If you're reading Jatinder I really am very sorry.
God that was a wander wasn't it? Anyway the second lucky finalist is No2EU who will not be taking up their seat if elected and take a dim view of the European Union so the risks of them getting in with a bad crowd are minimal. Then there is also the opportunity of a European election to register a wee protest at that monstrous union of crooks and it does seem a shame to duck the issue by voting for a pro-EU candidate. In truth it's the haunting fear of splitting the anti-Labour vote that puts me off because my one piddly vote is so vastly important.
My question to you all is have you ever had a polling booth dilemma and how did you resolve it?
Honestly I'm like an alkie who doesn't know whether to tan the rum or the vodka first. I do not want your opinions on my choices, what I'm looking for is a good system to assist me weigh up the pros and cons.