I cannot bear another news item about the credit crunch. Honestly the media are in a masturbatory frenzy at the thought of thirty mile dole queues. I know they're stuck for stuff to write about now that media interest in me has died down (I'm not kidding look and look) but this pessimism is appalling and inexcusable especially now that we're all shareholders.
Anyway I have decided to ignore the credit crunch in the hope it goes away. If I see another item on the news about a hard working family who are worried about running out of oven chips or whatever it is these painfully suburban clowns eat I will commit a sex crime in the street. Then you'll all be sorry.
In any case this mayhem is made worse by people freaking out. I write as someone struggling to absorb the knowledge that I'm related to people who've withdrawn all their savings from the bank. Come to think of it I had no idea I was related to people with savings. Still one copes any way one can I intend to offer to clean their homes making sure I turn every mattress! Any rapid withdrawal of cleaning services and missing money will of course be unfortunate coincidence.
As is frequently pointed out I am economically illiterate but surely everyone hoarding money is biscuit tins is bad for the economy. To my mind it's anti-social behaviour. Savings are guaranteed up to £50,000 -if you have more than that you can afford to take a loss for the nation. For heaven's sake money is just dead trees until you spend it on something entertaining or useful. Anyone too dim to find something to blow it on should be compelled to hand it over to someone more imaginative -the gaiety of the nation is at stake.
All that said I'll be out of a job by the end of month and haven't managed to secure anything in the way of business or alternative paid employment. I've been skint before and I must say I don't approve of it. I am by nature extravagant and generous -like a sailor on shore leave only drunker. Still I won't die -my clients have rather touchingly rallied to the Clairwil cause and offered me three meals a day for as long as I want them. My parents have been rather generous too and written off a debt of £80 I owe them. Other than the swine at the national lottery who won't let me win people have been very kind.
I've also got plans to grow vegetables for my own amusement and the good of the community. The old guerrilla gardening is still taking up most of my time -if anyone would like to help see here. My idleness will be productive, enjoyable and feed a district. At the very least everyone will have access to free garnish with the herbs doing so well.
An economic downturn is a bit of a bitch but why let the fat cats see it upsets us. We saw off Hitler we can see off the cock ups of greedy bankers. Do not let them see it bothers us. Rise to the challenge and develop self reliance. That way you'll never feel grateful for their home improvement loans or credit cards when the good times roll again. In any case we're all shareholders now when the economy picks up we're all in line for massive dividends -seriously imagine the profit share we're going to get! I'm wildly excited and intend to spend as much as I can on jollity, frivolity and hats.