Advice On Sex Toys

I recently purchased a stack of sex toys purely for self gratification, not for research or something dull, or worse respectable.

It's cliched but entirely true that you can't go wrong with a Rampant Rabbit. I have abandoned my Red Mermaid for the Platinum Rabbit. It's as good as a chap but faster which appeals to me, if no-one else. Why does sex always take so long?

I'm also recommending the comically named 'Tracy Cox Supersex Lovelube'. Slidy without stickiness, pleasantly scented and tasteless. Works wonders on stubble rash. Mind you it contains ginseng which I'm told is stimulating to the boaby so do be careful.

Rubber Spiked Love Balls are anything but loving. Good Lord it was like sitting down too quickly and finding that in a one in a million chance, one sucked up a couple of baby hedgehogs. Avoid, avoid. Like the bloody plague.

Finally we come (ho ho) to Little Blue. A vibrator of pathetic length and girth. Honestly I cannot imagine who it is made for. Well actually I can but nympho toddlers have no place on my blog. I have no wish to be lynched. Oh no not I.


P.S I recived an email from an irate reader (my mummy) earlier in the week demaning that this be taken down. I'd forgotten about it but here it is again, mummy. Now take the hint and cock off.


red mist said...

hi C. just in off a long shift and stumbled upon your latest.
Cheered me up, you are a credit to the ranks of degenerates everywhere.
Keep up the good work

ZinZin said...

Maybe mummy should not have been told about your blog. I haven't told my parents about my blog because of all the foul language.

Katy Newton said...

My friend recommends this, which looks to me as if it could easily be adapted for self defence in an emergency.

(No no, it is a real friend and not me. I fear sex toys.)

David Duff said...

"Why does sex always take so long?"

It doesn't, according to the little 'Memsahib'! What can she mean?

Incidentally, and coincidentally, as the subject is sex, I thought you might like to relish the thought that in my 'Favourites' list you are on top of Councillor Terry Kelly!

Chairwoman of the bored said...

"Why does sex always take so long?"

Ah. So this question is still being asked.

I really enjoyed this post Clairwil, when I got to the hedgehog bit, I laughed so loudly, that I was forced to read the whole post to Katy.

Louise said...

Can I suggest this?


(apologies - rubbish at links)

Steve said...

Is this just a cheap attempt to get blog traffic from people Googling 'Sex Toys'?

Anonymous said...

Right. I am saying fuck all on this one.....

Clairwil said...

red mist,
I do my best.

You'd do well to be wary of the bold love balls.

My mother is such a technophobe I never thought she'd track it down. A lesson learned.

David Duff,
On top of Terry Kelly! What an awful thought mind you being underneath would be suicide. I won't say why.

Glad you enjoyed it. It's always nice to raise a chuckle.

I shall have a look at that. Cheers

Cheap? Cheap? There was nothing cheap about that stash.

Least said soonest mended.

Changer said...

Well done you!

I bought my former girlfriend a rampant rabbit and it made me extremely popular. My current one wont countenance the purchase of such sexual festooneries however which saddens me immensely.

sexy said...

There are also products from the Screaming O like Vibrating Cock Ringthat I tried the other day. All I can say is, Oh my God Amazing!!!!! My partner and I had non stop orgasms.

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