God I Loathe Thieves!

Hello,
The clue is in the title. Not for the first time I and my fellow Guerrilla Gardeners are victims of crime. Some bastard has been nicking the plants we've put out on our formerly neglected patch for the benefit of everyone who passes by.

The Ill Man and I spent a good portion of Saturday evening trying to crack the case. I've been watching The Bill for years so I'm pretty knowledgeable about detective work. We're both agreed that a local is not responsible and suspect an incoming worker. Their habit of half inching two plants at a time suggests someone on foot. I believe it is one of the teachers at the local primary school, though The Ill Man suspects prejudice has led me to this conclusion. I'm half hoping it is a teacher and that I catch them in the act and can at last take terrible revenge against that wicked shower of child stunters. However other possibilities include the nearby church, colleges and university or the industrial estate.

Naturally, after exchanging theories, talk then turned to how we shall punish the scum responsible. I favoured stripping them naked, burning all their clothes and money and chasing them onto the main road whereas The Ill Man felt that holding them down and forcing them to piss themselves would be a better punishment.

My feeling is that we are not up against the usual member of the criminal classes. A proper criminal thief would make off with entire borders in one go and I don't think Glasgow is the best place to flog nicked outdoor plants as the majority of property is tenemental. No this swine is selfishly stealing public plants for their own private garden whilst no doubt convincing themselves it is a victimless crime, a minor bit of naughtiness that upsets no one. Hah! When I get my hands on them they'll rue the day they made that mistake.

My great Granny was prosecuted for beating up a marine and some other relative crushed a man's hand in a car door for looking at his car. As a family we do not make good victims. I might not be as violent as my fearsome ancestors but what I lack in muscle I make up for in inventive spite. I won't be happy until the person responsible dies of shame, has a breakdown or pays very generous compo and apologises in a grovelling fashion. Whatever comes first.

For anyone shaking their heads at my harshness or that this evidence of the wickedness of modern society, let me direct you to the following Guardian articles. This article shows that garden theft is not a new problem, though it was at least punishable by transportation. This one amply demonstrates that the liberalism of the Guardian reader does not extend to the garden. Truly they're only a lupin theft away from changing their order at the newsagent to the Daily Mail.

Why can't we bring the stocks back? I think they're a wonderful idea. Imagine the joy of hurling rotten food at a petty criminal -that's the sort of thing that brings communities together. Obviously I wouldn't condone hurling hard objects at them. What if a bad throw harmed the mob? But where's the harm in hurling a bit of shit, piss soaked sponges and rotten veg? It would be a fabulous tourist attraction -people would flock from miles around to take part. I realise it would be messy but the criminals could clear it up as part of their punishment.

Still to end on a high and remind us that for every low type there is a diamond out there. I was delighted to note that an anonymous donor had left us a bag of bulbs at the site -not cheapos either. Other than nurture the bulbs and put on an impressive floral display in the summer I cannot think of a way to thank our mysterious benefactor enough.

With the above in mind if you can identify our benefactor or our thief let me know. All heaven and hell will be unleashed accordingly.

Cheerio

Annual Christmas Beating

Hello,
With it being Christmas we are of course being treated the annual hand wringing about domestic violence in the form of TV adverts and concerned celebrities. Unlike dogs battered women are just for Christmas -anything rather than fund the organisations that provide refuge and advice to women fleeing brutes.

Adding insult to injury some buffoon has suggested that rather than jail folk for domestic violence we could offer them regular alcohol testing. Mercifully it was only a Lib Dem and not someone from one of the governing parties.

Lord knows I do my best to keep my hang 'em, flog 'em lynch mob instincts under control but proposals like this are a red rag to the Clairwil bull. Quite why an inability to control one's alcohol intake should be a get out of jail free card is not made clear. Since when did domestic fascists become the victims. The only way to make these creatures see reason is years of repeated anal rape in the Barlinnie showers. That said I am a fair minded sort I'd allow them to take a cushion to their prison AA meetings. Hell since it's Christmas I'd even throw in regular drug and alcohol tests for the duration of their sentence with loss of remission and the like for any positive result.

The argument in support of this nonsensical proposal is that 'over the festive period there is often a rise in cases of alcohol related domestic abuse'. Was Robert Brown educated? Is he drunk? What is his problem? Does he really believe that the frequency with which a crime is committed at a particular time of year should result in the perpetrator escaping any real consequences. Why doesn't he go the whole hog and propose granting the population immunity from prosecution for the festive period?

The benefit of putting the state for all it's flaws in charge of justice is that for the most part avoids vigilantism. If the Lib Dems really believe that by basing a state justice system round what is convenient in the holidays rather than what is right then one has to commend the repeated failure of the British people to put them in charge of anything bigger than a council.

I am tempted to organise a mass drinking binge swiftly followed by a mass beating of Lib Dem 'justice' spokesman Robert Brown. Keeping prison numbers down might well be the politicians priority but that's no reason for the rest of us to be stuck with unpunished violent criminals in our communities. If they really feel that strongly that violent men are victims in need of help and understanding rather than locking up then might I suggest they open their spare room to a few for the duration of their treatment orders. After all if being terrorised by violent drunks is good enough for our women and children surely they won't mind their own female relatives living in fear for a while.

Cheerio

About Time Too!

Hello,
As very long term readers should be aware I loathe, hate and despise the teaching profession. Oh I like the idea of it and some of them are excellent but in my experience the vast majority of them should be hurled into the lowest pit of hell or shot. I'm not fussy whatever comes first.

So you can imagine my delight and surprise to see one of them publicly humiliated and struck off for being a buffoon in charge of children. Still I am baffled what in God's name did she do wrong that 90% of them aren't? I expect she pissed off the wrong parents or wasn't terribly popular in the staffroom. If I were in her shoes I'd have taken my colleagues down with me.

Then again, could it be that standards are at long last being imposed on the morons?

A good teacher is a rare delight. Ideally they should be able to manage boredom well and make the subject engaging without resorting to childish and patronising games. With the exception of Art and Drama no -one really wants to be taught by a circus act. They should also care passionately about their subject and welcome questions from enquiring pupils. Nor should they be deterred by tantrum throwing pupils who don't want to learn. In truth teaching is a very difficult job but that's widely accepted is it not? I am therefore baffled why the profession is populated by socially inept, ill mannered, bullying careerist fucks who couldn't care less about children or their education.

A good teacher should be the norm but let's face it they aren't. As far as I can tell most of them approach it like cattle herding or worse wacky babysitting. I pity the school child of today. In my day you could vanish for months at a time and no one would come looking for you which meant I didn't have to go to school much. Instead I sat about libraries reading books and making attempts to educate myself since the people paid to do so weren't in the slightest bit interested (honourable exceptions- Technical, Home Economics, Religious Studies, Modern Studies and English). Nowadays one is five minutes late and one's parents are informed. That said I believe persistent truants get ferried to school in a taxi and allowed to pick and choose when they attend so it's not all bad.

I would recommend that the truant of today does not use the excuse that they are avoiding school in order to get an education. Nor would I suggest that this makes up for all the school trips one has been done out of because the teachers are involved in some sort of industrial action. In short do not lose your temper and use the words 'money for nothing', 'naked greed' or brutality. It makes them very angry, very angry indeed. 'Well I do take your point sir but....' is another no-no. Honestly it gets them fit to be tied. Oh and never complain when they refuse to answer a question because it's not relevant to the exam. I shan't bore you with the detail but having to explain to a senior and well paid English teacher that a passing knowledge of Shakespeare comes in handy in the study of English is outrageous. What sort of moron trains these buffoons? The internet wasn't on the go when I was at school so I can only guess they purchased their qualifications from a vending machine.

I am disappointed we didn't see the sort of scenes that we usually see outside the trials of paedophile though. I had hoped for a justified lynching -the first of many. Then again the whole time I was at school I could never understand why there wasn't a mass uprising by pupil and parent alike against them. Surely people don't need reminding that 'teachers' are funded by the tax payer.

Still it should be remembered that even though most of them are hopeless educators they are pretty good babysitters. Now that standards are being imposed on them who shall watch the kiddies when the inevitable shortage occurs?

Cheerio

The Shame Continues

Hello,
Hard on the heels of my drunken episode comes news of Mr Clairwil going off the rails. He didn't even have the excuse of the demon drink which allows me to retain the moral high ground, though in his defence he was trying to 'rehabilitate' a junkie thief.

The sad thing is the junkie in question was almost quite decent in that he used to fund his habit by servicing chaps in various gay cruising spots in Glasgow. There was no need for him to turn to theft. I can only assume he did so out of selfishness, a disapproval of prostitution being somewhat absurd under the circumstances.

The facts of the matter are as follows, he was strolling along when he glanced in a shop window only to spot a junkie who had stolen a large amount of stock from his old shop. Incredibly the junkie actually seemed to have a job in the shop, which raised Mr Clairwil's hopes of getting his money back- he's a clever man but there are times when his naivety astonishes me. The poor soul doesn't realise that shame has been abolished and that far from being embarrassed the thief will perceive himself as the victim.

If only I'd been there. The whole reason people choose to addict themselves to smack is to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own lives, so there was and is no way he was ever going to be paid back. To the junkie it isn't his fault he steals, he's a helpless addict after all, instead he steals because the rest of us are wicked enough to own anything that isn't nailed down. Honestly I've no patience with junkies I've never met one that didn't turn into a bastard and I include two former friends in that both of whom I'd have gladly lain down my life for prior to their addiction. I had no hesitation in dropping them like hot bricks when they began to regard everyone around them as little more than a source of cash.

Which is why headbutting the creature was futile. Not to mention a silly thing to do in front of witnesses. More so when the witnesses sprang into action and sat on Mr Clairwil, refusing to let him go until he promised not to hit anyone. On reflection it's as well I wasn't there or I'd have started biting folk Tyson style. No one sits on Mr Clairwil on my watch.

That isn't the worst of it, while the staff were sat on Mr Clairwil one of them scratched him. Isn't that appalling! I don't know who is responsible, so I'm forced to punish the whole shop and so a vendetta is born.

Cheerio

Now See Where Meaness Gets You

Hello,
The following is a tale by The Brothers Grimm. I love myths and fairy tales for telling us the truth in an entertaining way. They don't just smugly plonk it down like the atheist and spoil everyones party. Oh no they tart it up in a nice tale by way of an anesthetic. Someone once told me that Oscar Wilde wrote children's stories to tell his sons that the world is a terrible place. Of course they told me this in an effort to convince me my hero was a monster. Naturally I was not even slightly convinced. Children should be told the truth in a manner that doesn't break them, to encourage them to postpone adulthood as long as possible. Adult life is pretty dreadful really apart from the sex and intoxicants. Anyway I've strayed from my point which is that stinginess is a sin and here is how the wonderful Brothers Grimm tell it like it is in 'The Ungrateful Son'


'Once a man was sitting with his wife before their front door. They had a roasted chicken which they were about to eat together. Then the man saw that his aged father was approaching, and he hastily took the chicken and hid it, for he did not want to share it with him. The old man came, had a drink, and went away. Now the son wanted to put the roasted chicken back onto the table, but when he reached for it, it had turned into a large toad, which jumped into his face and sat there and never went away again. If anyone tried to remove it, it looked venomously at him as though it would jump into his face, so that no one dared to touch it. And the ungrateful son was forced to feed the toad every day, or else it would eat from his face. And thus he went to and fro in the world without rest.'


A toad in the face! How just.

Cheerio

A Mysterious Incident in The Office.

Hello,
I did promise you all a tale about my irritating work colleague so here it is. I did have a sketch to accompany it but my scanner is in a huff, so you'll need to wait for that. In the meantime here goes.

On Friday morning my irritating colleague called in sick stating he'd suffered 'a fall'. For reasons that are beyond me he turned up at the office at lunch time to explain face to face that he wouldn't be in. As he was due in at 10am by lunchtime we'd all worked that out.

Imagine my surprise and delight when he appeared reeking to high heaven of drink with cuts to both sides of his face his nose and knuckles still claiming to have fallen. A story he stuck to even after the entire office had stated it was obvious he's been in a fight.

His 'story' is that he was coming back from the pub and slipped on some gravel on a 'steep hill' after which everything conveniently goes blank. Now I'm no expert on forensics, in truth I am not even incompetent in it, however how is it possible to fall on your face and not only graze both knuckles but cut one's nose quite deeply, scrape both cheekbones and get a black eye?

Being an unusually clumsy individual I am expert on the subject of falling and those injuries aren't consistent with a fall. So the question arises what fucking hero walloped him? Who is the chap? What does he drink? What happened?

I am afraid I have become obsessed with uncovering the truth. So much so that Mr Clairwil half expects to me turn up in a deerstalker which is just silly, I see myself as more in the Miss Marple mould. I have even retraced his steps from the pub and can report that there is no loose gravel and no steep hills.

I suspect I know the motive all I'm missing is the perpetrator. I will keep you posted.

The Health Service Fights Back

Hello,
As someone who has been sent potty to the tonsils by working with the public I'm always pleased to hear of the front line fighting back.

Last weeks Digger carries the tale of one David Perham, a nurse working at Stobhill hospital. There was Mr Perham in the middle of a twelve hour shift when David Anderson was admitted with back pains. Mr Perham offered Mr Anderson paracetamol only to be told that 'they're fucking useless'. He then went to get another nurse to help deal with the complaint, to which Mr Anderson responded by calling him 'a useless cunt'. At this our hero Perham struck a blow form common sense and slapped Mr Anderson right on the kisser. Isn't it hilarious? Can you just imagine the look on his face?

Obviously one shouldn't condone such behaviour if one wants to appear reasonable. If I were in charge I would carefully weigh up the pros and cons, consider all the evidence and have abusive patients dumped on the street untreated with a book on manners. That is what I would do if I were in charge.

As you were.

Cheerio