Skelly Eyed Boot v I Love You

Hello,

There was the most walloping lovers tiff outside earlier. It started off as a lot of confusing squawking, like childbirth. Then it took shape. The chap kept shouting 'I love you' as the bird made her escape. I don't blame her. He seemed a sentimental brute. One minute stamping on one's neck, the next offering roses. Quite apart from anything else he was wearing shorts. A Raoul Moat type in other words.

 When it became apparent the lady wasn't for turning back he bellowed 'fuck off ya skelly eyed boot'. At this she quite suddenly came speeding back down the road screaming blue murder. I was agog. Eyes like saucers. A man once threatened to kick my 'cunt' and I leapt over a church wall in fright. It may have been the cowards way, but it was the safe way. I would advise all women in a similar position to follow my example unless you're fast enough to do him a swift mischief. That said I admire 'Skelly Eyes for her physical courage in facing down this monster. 


As if I hadn't been stunned enough, another couple wandered out the pub only to be confronted with 'Skelly Eyed Bird' squaring up to the chap bit of the couple screeching 'if she's your woman why the fuck are you coming onto me'. I nearly fell out the window laughing at this twist but the funny side appeared wasted on the participants. If I were to judge the mood on the ground I'd say somewhere between hopping mad and the Arab street. I have seen the news and this Arab St is not a benign place like Sesame St. Oh no. It's the merest baw hair off fizzing mad at all times.

Anyway returning to the action, the 'I love you' chap seemed to me as stunned as I was but in a less amused way and started staggering around with his head in his hands. The 'Skelly Eyed Boot' offered to produce texts proving that the other lady's chap had been coming on to her but that just made everyone fly into a bigger rage. The ladies started fighting but some other big ladies appeared shouting 'fucks sake' so they downed fists and took up staggering and roaring instead. There was a bit more squawking and the couple hopped in a taxi.


That left 'I Love You' and 'Skelly Eyed Boot' together. They screeched a bit more at each other until 'Skelly Eyes' got fed up and stomped off with the sound of 'I Love You' man roaring 'stick yer fuckin weans up yer arse' ringing in her ears.


Is it any wonder my nerves are in ribbons?



 Cheers Clairwil

Hello All.

Hello,
Having started blogging on Tripod before I knew what a blog was, I have retained the habit of starting posts as if they are letters to the internet. I could own up to my my mistake and start acting like a proper citizen journalist but I cannot be bothered. So the letters to the internet format stays. Besides I like the thought of ranting into a void. It pleases me. In any case I don't really do news, I merely get irate over tit bits and retire to the sofa to take stock.

This evening I am mainly disliking having  having soap under my fingernails. Tomorrow I may take a dislike to public transport and commit a street crime. One can never tell.

Cheers


Clairwil

Rumours of my death are just wishful thinking.

Hello,
I'd like to report I've spent my absence doling out sexual favours to the IDF but the truth is sadly more mundane and not at likely to cause my fellow lefties to blow up and burst.

Instead I have with a heavy heart and after 12 years split up with Mr Clairwil. It's very sad but I always thought a lot more of him than he did of me and the chase just got too exhausting in the end. In other words the whole thing had limped on too long and I wasn't getting enough attention. I have to hand it to the former Mr Clairwil he's one of only two ex sparring partners I don't sincerely wish were dead. In truth I think he was glad to be rid of me and I can't help thinking he's better off without me. As girlfriends go I am a wonderful hockey player.

It's a bewildering business being single after twelve years. I am informed that blow jobs are the new 'getting off with' and that people send each other racy rexts for kicks. How typical of the world of romance to go to hell in a handcart whilst I was busy.

I also have to deal with the awful problem of being keen on new and unfamiliar folk. I do not enjoy being keen on a chap. It is awful. There is more pleasure to be had with hives. Oh yes it's all sunshine and beer when you first clap eyes on them and you think you're in with a chance but then one looks at the grim facts and suddenly the world seems a very harsh place. A passionate celibacy is all I have to look forward to. I don't like it. This is not how I see myself.

Feelings are the pits!

Cheerio

Spring is Springing!

Hello,
A few of the fine visitors to this blog slipped me a few quid back in 2009 to help my guerrilla gardening troop buy spring bulbs. Once again heartfelt thanks to those generous souls. If anyone who donated would like to see the early results of their generosity, they can see the first flowers of 2010 to bloom on our site here and there is much, much more to come. Still there's nothing like a few early bloomers to banish winter angst.

Most of what you see in these snaps wouldn't be there if people hadn't helped out with planting, donated cash or in a few cases both. There is a before snap tucked away somewhere in gallery linked to above.

I've been haunted by terrible visions of nothing blooming despite our efforts so the sense of relief in seeing those early blooms has lifted my spirits enormously. The whole fundraising period was very hard and most painfully of all we were very badly let down by someone who promised us a great deal of help with our efforts. Still I'd rather be looking at our developing garden , knowing I'd done all I said I'd do, than be a selfish, passive/aggressive bullsugar addled parasite.

That's enough of the fall out from my bad friendship choices. Let's dwell on happier things and goggle at the flowers.

Cheerio

Steven Purcell v The Unco Guid

Hello,
I know it goes against the grain a bit for me to be defending a Glasgow Labour councillor but whatever political differences I may have with 'The Purcell' I'm not happy to see him go and am fairly sickened by some of the web/media coverage of his resignation. Whatever my political beefs with the council, not least some of the school closures, the disputes with the trade unions and their rather shabby treatment of the fine folk from the cleansing department, gloating over this is an ugly sight. Say what you like about Purcell but he was the first Glasgow City Council leader in a very long time to be able to appear on the telly without you wanting to throw rocks at the thing to make the sheer toe curling shame stop.

I have no idea what the truth surrounding his resignation is, though I have heard a few rumours some credible and some of such a pathetic 'nudge nudge wink wink you do know he's a poof' nature that it's a miracle I am not doing time for assault or worse. I really have no earthly idea why your anti-gay type, in common with racists and misogynists need to be so evangelical with their views. Time and time again I've tried to terminate cliche ridden hate rants by informing the preacher that I'm not overly fussed by homosexuality, cannot help but think their ex-wife must have had a certain amount of right on her side and harbour no hatred towards Pakistanis.

Nothing works. Not even informing them that I am a leading member of the pc brigade and can have them thrown in prison for expressing un -pc views. I can't do any such thing and I've never met this pc brigade that persecutes Daily Mail readers so. It's desperation that makes me say these things. And so I stand flecked with someone else's spittle wishing the longest hard luck story in living memory would just end.

Incidentally my mother quite out of the blue has stopped buying the Daily Mail and informs me that it it an 'evil lying rag that ruins peoples lives'. As she and it are at one politically and I cannot get her to disclose what has offended her so much, I'd be delighted if anyone could supply me with any information that would help me get to the bottom of this strange but welcome conversion. Has Tanya Gold been writing for them again?

To return to Mr Purcell, I'm fairly irritated by the faux piety on display re the 'chemical dependency' rumours. Virtually everyone in politics is a rotten hypocrite on the subject of drugs not always by inclination but because if they were remotely honest about it the tabloids would rip them to bits, cheered on by a drink/drunk addled public who would do well to pay close attention to this poem by Burns before casting stones around their conservatories. I should also point out to my fellow Labour haters of all stripes that when the shoe is on the other foot and it will be, you'll all be squealing like Violet Elizabeth Bott about the unfairness of it all. Will you be happy to have your sneering and grinning cast up when it's your guy or girl in the firing line?

So before I'm compelled to record a 'leave Steven alone' You Tube clip can we skip all the 'much as it pains me to ask but I think only of the public interest' guff? Like I say I've no idea what truth there is in the 'chemical dependency' rumours but as he's resigned all his council positions it's no longer any of our business. The question as to whether any 'chemical dependency' affected his council duties answers itself -if you have to ask, then no it didn't. In any case even if it did what do you want to happen? Should the council re-employ him so that they can sack him for alleged 'chemical dependency'? Would you be happy to see one of the recreational drug or alcohol users you know treated that way? Really? Then you're a cunt.

Unless he's been accused of serious corruption or doing something unsavoury with my council taxes, I have no interest in knowing why he resigned. He had an office full of very capable staff who could pick up the slack if he wasn't up to the job. The hysterical notion that Glasgow was in the hands of a drug crazed Nero is as misguided as it is dishonest.

I love good gossip as much as the next man but tarting it up as concern for Glasgow is hypocrisy of the highest order.

Cheerio

Congrats to Benefit Scrounging Scum!

Hello,
I'm delighted to see one of my favourite bloggers get a wee mention at The Guardian who obviously bear no ill will towards her for her earlier expose of their disgusting toilets.
Well done and if you haven't read her blog do pop over and give yourselves a treat.

Cheerio

Twitter Tampering

Hello,
Do this press just sit about looking for trivial incidents to massively overreact about? I refer of course the scum sucking pigs Twitter scandal. Good Lord -these folk should have heard the things half the West of Scotland used to say about Thatcher.

There is of course a difference between the Clairwil family sat around at home making rude remarks at the telly and an MP making a public statement via his Twitter feed but it's something of a minor storm in a teacup. Labour are getting humped come the election, I can't see any major benefit coming to the tories from squealing about it. Though, as he only has a 5500 majority perhaps they're hoping to unseat him so they can swagger by him on election night flicking v signs at him and gloating 'that's elected scum-sucking pigs to you, dole boy' before heading up the road for swan and chips or whatever it is they eat.

Mind you, it would perhaps have been more sensible for the tweeting Mr Wright to simply have issued an apology and deleted the comment, rather than come up with such an incredible explanation. It would appear that it's technically impossible to edit a published tweet. So now instead of us all rolling our eyes and moving on, we are now waiting with bated breath to discover just how and indeed why this master hacker tampered with a tweet, gloated that it had hit a nerve then vanished as quickly as he arrived.

You would think that having developed his skills to such a degree that tweet re-editing was within his amazing powers he'd have had some fun with some higher profile tweeters - think of the havoc he could have wrought with Sarah Brown's account or Stephen Fry's much followed feed. Yet all he did with this truly impressive skill was make a minor alteration to one tweet on an obscure MPs Twitter feed. Truly brains are wasted on this genius.

I'm in no position to cast stones, if I'd been the mysterious tweet tamperer I'd have just changed all their comments to animal noises, most likely cows mooing - certainly a common farmyard animal. More exotic cries are hard to convey in print and would only undermine to charming rural atmosphere I would be aiming to create.

Cheerio

Rubbish Headlines!

Hello,
The disease of writing intriguing headlines and then popping a really dull story underneath it seems to have spread from Take A Break magazine to the broadsheets. Quite why this might be I cannot say but there it is -The Guardian is turning into Chat with politics which surely means the end is nigh.

With that in mind, if you hear hooves, assume it's the four horsemen of the apocalypse and say something nice to God. I have no idea whether the blighter exists or not but with stuff like this on the loose I intend to play it safe. Believe me when that fifth trumpet sounds in 2012 I do not intend to one of the billions who will die.

Anyway there I was perusing The Guardian when I chanced upon a jolly headline: 'Shanghai's older residents turn to drugs'. Immediately visions of Chinese grannies blowing their children's inheritance on coke and toyboys leapt into my minds eye. Reading the article was like being shoved under a cold shower in a mouldy bathroom by a teacher with halitosis.

Sadly the pensioners aren't having a very good time. It's all rather depressing, the poor old timers are at a bit of a loose end and feeling lonely post retirement. Instead of taking up disco dancing and inappropriate public sex tricks to perk themselves up they're taking drugs to keep them awake during marathon mahjong sessions and developing all sorts of health problems. All I wanted was a chucklesome tale of geriatric anarchy and decadence and instead had this thin gruel ladled on to my plate. A swindle. A bum deal! Can anyone direct me to something uplifting and amusing? Restore my faith in human naughtiness.

Cheers

An email from Gordon Brown

Hello,
Imagine my surprise when I opened an email earlier today purporting to come from the Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP -yes our nations prime minister!

I have never been so surprised in my life and will confess to feeling slight alarm that I may have inadvertantly got myself into hot water of some sort. I needen't have worried Gordon was just letting me know that he had deposited three million pounds into a bank account in my name! I am not making this up, though I strongly suspect someone else is. May it comfort them to know in the long wait for my details that they caused me a cheeky chuckle.

I would however like to make it known that I am fully prepared to vote Labour in exchange for three million pounds. Below is the text of this quite remarkable email.

FOREIGN & COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS COMMISSION.TREASURY AND MINISTER FOR CIVIL SERVICE, LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM. Our ref: ATM/13470/IDRYOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/882 Date: 20/01/2010 IMMEDIATE PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

I am The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP,Prime Minister British Government. This letter is to officially inform you that (ATM Card Number 4966430104864106) has been accredited with your favor. Your Personal Identification Number is 477.The VISA Card Value is Ј 3,000,000.00(Three Million, Great British Pounds Sterling).

This office will send to you a Visa/ATM CARD that you will use to withdraw your funds in any ATM MACHINE CENTER or Visa card outlet in the world with a maximum of Ј5000 POUNDS STERLING daily.Further more,You will be required to re-confirm the following information to enable; The Rt Hon. David Miliband MP Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs. begin in processing of your VISA CARD.

(1)Full names: (2)Address: (3)Country: (4)Nationality: (5)Phone #: (6)Age: (7)Occupation:

Forward Reply To: ukgovdirect@5.am TAKE NOTICE: That you are warned to stop further communications with any other person(s) or office(s) different from the staff of the State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs to avoid hitches in receiving your payment.

Regards, The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MPPrime Minister.

Do you think anyone actually fell for this?

Cheers

Looting in Haiti

Hello,
If it were to emerge that the press were bribing Haitians to loot for the cameras, my eyebrows and jaws would remain stonily unmoved such is the extent of their barely suppressed excitement at the prospect of looting.

For some unaccountable reason best known to themselves they've been less keen to call attention to the impressive efforts Haitians themselves are making to deal with the catastrophe. Whilst I realise rioting and looting is a good deal sexier than folk forming neighbourhood committees and pooling their meagre resources, a bit of balance would be nice and perhaps a degree of imagination about what it must be like to find oneself in such a terrible, chaotic situation.

The US Ambassador in Haiti states that the vast majority of people are going about their business in a 'calm and peaceful manner'. Similarly this aid worker hasn't seen any looting at all. This article is headlined 'Haiti earthquake: looting and gun-fights breakout', yet when it runs out of violence and looting to fill up the space, goes to report ordinary Haitians heroically doing their bit to help each other.

Linda Polman writes in The Times about the harmful effect this unfair and negative portrayal of Haitians is having on the aid effort. An article which ends with this short and very moving paragraph; 'Let’s hope that the food distributors worrying about their safety know that yesterday hundreds of people in Port-au-Prince dropped to their knees praying outside a warehouse where workers for the agency Food for the Poor had announced that they would be distributing rice and beans. The crowd allowed children and the elderly to go first in line without having guns aimed at them first.'

I am not suggesting that violent incidents should not be reported but given the negative impact such reports are likely to have on public donations, it's irresponsible of the media to pay such scant attention to the decency, bravery, and generosity of so many Haitians in the face of appalling tragedy.

To be fair to the media I doubt they're being swamped with complaints over this and naturally assume everyone is happy with their coverage. 25,000 people in this country were happy to spare the time to unleash Twitter hell over an insensitive, ill timed unpleasant Daily Mail column on one dead pop star. Is it asking too much for a bit of that outrage to be utilised in defence of almost ten million Haitians against this damaging and biased reporting?

Donations to Haitian disaster relief can be made here.

Cheerio

Crap Photofit

Hello,
Photofits are rubbish. People don't like to say so because they normally encounter the things when news reaches them that some frightful beast is on the loose and they don't want to undermine the search by loudly remarking that no human on earth ever looked like that.

I remember my entire family being reduced to tears of helpless laughter by a Crimewatch photofit of a rapist who bore a striking resemblance to a wooden spoon. As mother wisely remarked displaying a picture of the sex offending oddity seriously undermined the horror all right thinking people ought to feel at such a crime. Honestly you should have seen us rolling around the floor laughing even though it hurt. The hiccups that night were a purgatory!

Mind you it did put my own run of bad luck with the sex offender community into perspective. Whatever humiliations I have endured at least the perp wasn't an egg whisk.

Anyway it has come to my attention that a new photofit of Osama Bin Laden is, like Mr Bin Laden himself, on the loose. However before all you amateur sleuths get over excited and send poor Mo from the newsagents to Guatanamo for advanced bullying, hear this. The photofit is rubbish. When I first saw it I wondered why Osama had Gordon Brown's hair. It turns out the hair belongs to a Spanish politician as does the jaw line.

In other words the FBI have presented the world the a picture of a Spanish fellow entirely unrelated to Mr Bin Laden but sumperimposed Bin Laden's eyes and nose to it to trick us into thinking they haven't entirely wasted our time.

If they don't know what he looks like at the moment they'd be as well keeping quiet. Stunts like this make them look like the Keystone Cops only funnier. One might as well stick a Bin Laden mask to a cheetah or a portaloo and ask the world if they've seen this man.

Cheerio

Haiti

Hello,
As every other idiot on the planet has been bumping their rancid gums about the situation in Haiti, I see no reason why I shouldn't join in. Honestly you should see the Guardian comments -60% were probably first drafted in crayon by someone who moves their lips while they read (I would link to them but they appear to have vanished).


Anyway I've had a bit of a bee in my bonnet about Haiti for a number of years now, an interest that deepened after attending a fascinating lecture on Haitian Voodoo a few years back. I shall confess to a slight giddiness at certain aspects of Haitian culture.


Haiti is a wee country that has been at the mercy of the vile actions of bullying nations almost from the get go. Far from being a basket case ruled by incompetents it actually had a relatively sensible fellow in charge following it's successful slave revolt. Toussaint L'Overture made great efforts to establish a stable nation including acknowledging that the exiled planters had something to offer in terms of their expertise and inviting them to return to the island, ensuring work on plantations continued and establishing trading links with the United States. Had he been allowed to get on with it Haiti today might be in better shape than it is. But he wasn't.


Instead the French preferred him where they could see him and deported him to France where he died. Not content with that the French later demanded a payment of 150 million Francs in return for recognising Haiti as independent. This was intended to compensate the former slave owners who'd lost out when the slaves had the effrontery to object to being slaves. As insults go it's hard to beat; expecting the victims of a crime to compensate the criminal but there we have it. Whilst the sum payable was later reduced it took Haiti until the late 1940's to repay the money extorted from them. Let's face it being 150 million francs in debt isn't really the best of starts for a new nation.


I remember a few years back there was a call for the descendants of former slaves the world over being given reparations. At the time I thought this was a bit foolish and felt the money would better spent ending modern day slavery. I stand by that but if ever there was a nation that was due a refund it's Haiti. I don't wish to single out the French, the British, the Spanish and the Germans won't be winning any retrospective prizes for generosity or decency either.


Moving on to nearer the present the American government have made several very destructive interventions into Haiti, incredibly on one occasion they even used pigs, more of which later.


The United States occupied Haiti between 1915 and 1934, something of a mixed blessing to say the least but they did leave it with some sort of infrastructure and in better shape than before they arrived.


Of course no mention of Haiti would be complete without a mention of the distinctly unlovely Duvalier family. In an interesting use of U.S public funds the government decided to back these monsters with generous military and economic aid. Poor old Haiti run by a thieving dictator, backed by the worlds no1 superpower. The Duvalier's are believed to have trousered about 80% of all international aid that came into the country during their rule. It may surprise you to learn that all the good work the U.S did on the infrastructure during it's occupation was squandered during this time by a regime bought and paid for by the U.S. 'Baby Doc' Duvalier is still alive and living in Paris. In a sane world he'd be captured, put on trial and jailed for what he and his family have done.

Then we have the frankly bizarre Aristide episodes, which for reasons of length I shall gloss over, pausing only to issue a tut in the direction of the United States who know full well how a democracy works and have no business sticking their oar in.

I promised you pigs would put in an appearance so here are the wrong pigs. In the late 1970's Haiti's pig population was struck down with a dose of swine flu. As is the usual practice with this type of situation all the pigs were put to sleep and the repopulation began. Unfortunately the USA sent the wrong pigs. Pigs of a breed ill suited to the Haitian environment and required special feed which the people couldn't afford. Before long the wrong pigs died out and the people who'd relied on pigs for their living lost a valuable source of food and income. On the plus side American pig farmers made a fortune.

Then some mastermind decided it would be just the ticket to dump excess subsidised cheap American rice on the Haitian market undercutting Haitaian farmers and leading to the collapse of the Haitian rice growing industry who couldn't compete. You might ask what on earth possessed the Haitians to import something that would destroy their ability to feed themselves. The answer being the IMF and the World Bank who forbade them to take measures to protect their developing economy in case it made the market angry. At this point market forces kicked in and Haitians took to buying and selling mudcakes as a foodstuff.

It would be funny if the consequences weren't so dire. A poor country tries to protect it's economy and the developed world has a fit of the vapours and calls it a commie. Meanwhile the worlds richest country imposes tarriffs to keep cheap rice out and protect it's rice growers.

Oh and before any smuggos start on about the satanic USA you may wish to reflect on the European Union's record on subsides and tarrifs. Of course having a go at the USA is quite the thing round my way, attacking the EU and it's filthy practices is xenophobia.

More hilarious still for admirers of starvation humour is the spectacle of smug fuckers born into houses with taps who've barely broken a sweat in their entire life wondering why the filthy foreigners don't just sling a few quid into some shares and stop scrounging off the rest of us. Ironically if the free market these fuckers are so fond of actually existed, countries like Haiti might be in better shape as they could sell their cash crops on the international market. The western consumer would get cheaper rice, they'd have jobs, money and a basis on which to develop their economy. Instead as we've seen with the banks it's socialism for the fat cats and capitalism for the peasants.

Having come through all that is it really any wonder Haiti was an almighty disaster even before the earthquake struck? Yes, corruption is a problem there but given that the people have barely had a chance to participate in a democracy and hold their rulers to account, can they be held responsible for their governments actions?

The point all this is drifting towards is that the the Haitians deserve whatever help we can give them both in the long and short term. Clearly at the moment the disaster relief effort is the main priority and for those with a few quid to spare donations can be made here to experienced charities well used to operating in corrupt countries and will ensure your donation stands the best chance of reaching the people it was intended for.

In the longer term whilst charitable donations can help and are to be encouraged, those with in an interest in Haiti need to get a lot better at holding our politicians to account in relation to the strings attached to government aid, cancelling Haiti's debt and giving them access to international markets if Haiti is to escape this endless round of disaster, dictatorship, coup and aid.

Goodnight

Raise Your Drawers!

Hello,
I note all the understandable howls of outrage about irritating nutbag Anjem Choudary's plans to pointlessly give offence to the good folk of Wootton Bassett by staging a publicity stunt in memory of the "real war dead".

I very much doubt that the whole farce will go ahead as I'm sceptical of Mr Choudary's ability to rally sufficient fundafannies to carry the cardboard coffins while he boo hoos his crocodile tears over the dead Afghans. Still in announcing it he's created an almighty fuss, distressed the residents of Wootton Bassett and got his mug all over the papers which is no doubt what he wants.

Still as no one appears terribly into the idea of completely ignoring the tit, a counter demo has been announced.

I must say I'm particularly tickled by this idea from the folk at The Spittoon which rather wonderfully combines protest with a bit of fun at the expense of Choudary and the failed plane bombers exploding drawers.

'let all who wish to show this truly grotesque man up as the nasty, ridiculous bigot he is – FLY THE UNDERPANTS!.......we all know that angry andy and the bombastic beards of barminess would be applauding the Glorious Pants Of Terror right now if it had all gone as planned on flight 253, so let’s throw it right back in their faces. take a broomhandle or some other stick-type object and fly a pair of y-fronts off them as a flag. stick them in the window of your house or the window of your car, like people did in the last world cup.'

Rather than the proposed y-fronts, I'd prefer to see vast bloomers -the sort of thing Mrs Slocombe in Are You Being Served? used to sport. However I'm not fussy and am certain that all varieties of underpant are equally capable of making their point. Whether this particular protest goes ahead or not, this is such a brilliant, simple and amusing idea I suspect it won't be long before Choudary cops an eyeful of the nation's drawers.

Cheerio

The Guardian

Hello,
It may be that I have an unusually suspicious nature but I can't help but think this fellow over at The Guardian is being somewhat naive.

Mr Kennedy is somewhat indignant to find out that an organic food chain by the name of 'Whole Foods' isn't quite as wholesome as it's marketing hopes you'll believe. I know I can hardly believe it myself! Can it be true? Do we live in a world where marketing firms are paid millions to churn out any old bollocks to prise the pennies from our purses?

I can't even be bothered going into the terrible events that caused the scales to fall from his eyes. I shall merely ask whether his apparent distress at the sight of a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup means his life is easier or much harder than everyone elses. On the one hand he's lucky that's all he has to worry him but on the other, life cannot be easy if condiments bring on a fit of the vapours. Mind you he's lucky it was Heinz -he'd no doubt be horrified at some of the inferior brands most supermarkets will try and palm you off with. The worst offenders are cafes -what these fiends try to pass of as HP ought to banned.

I'm a bit surprised at the ruler of Whole Foods being so open about selling junk to naive toffs. If I was him I'd be arranging my face into a suitably Christ like expression of compassion and emoting about pesticides and children, casually chucking in that 'we at Whole Foods sell organic stuff' -that's bound to be worth a few extra sales once the parents of Georgie, Jack and Jemima get all hysterical at the idea their little seedlings are being poisoned.

I must say the Guardian is superb at the moment, absolutely superb. Mr Eugenides very kindly draws our attention their 'I've Changed My Mind' series in which contributors affect to have undergone some some change in their thinking but which lead me to suspect someone, possibly Viz might have infiltrated The Guardian offices in order to play a terrible prank on us all. The one by a repentant 'Modern Parent' type is quite wonderful especially for the bewildered cry of 'he'd never watched anything more violent than Teletubbies'.

In fairness most of the 'I've changed my mind..' article read like those awful school essays one was forced to write about the holidays in which one had to cobble assorted imaginary incidents together to fufil the one page of foolscap, both sides brief. I expect with the credit crunch they all need the money for organic sunblushed foie gras roulades or what ever it is they're into these days.

Cheerio

Hey! Terry Show Us Your Legal Action!

Hello,
I recently emailed Cllr Terry Kelly in response to some lies he'd told about me on his blog.

Here is his response!

'It wasn't just the terrywatch site which was repellent you were as well; anyone who uses mental health issues to gain personal advantage is beneath contempt; that means you.

You were anonymous out of cowardice nothing else; like the other contemptible blogger "Will" you now feel vulnerable because of the recent expose of anti Labour blog scandals and you no doubt wonder what might happen. I have been contacted by two different sources who remember the Herald article and they have asked me if I would supply them with any stuff which I have kept so I am watching developments closely. It would be interesting to add some other names of people involved in such despicable behaviour.

I don't know anything about other Herald Stories on you or the other malcontents involved and I don't want to know; the whole rotten lot of you deserve each other. As far as taking further action against you is concerned that decision will be taken not by me but by my daughter; were it simply down to me you would have had the lawyer's letter by now.'

Cllr. Terry Kelly.


Oh dear! I'm actually desperate for this to go to court. I'm of the opinion that prosceuting me for my political beliefs hurts him rather more than it hurts me. I'm also of the opinion that pigs will fly the day this pair of political bigots sue me.

Cheers

P.S If anyone is up for restarting Terrywatch on a more organised and more analytical basis let me know.

J.C

I Thought They Banned It!

Hello,
Every year the press get's itself into a terrible state about Muslims no doubt in cahoots with the pc brigade banning Christmas in order to torment the all important indigenous people.

The notion that these stories are all but made up is of course unthinkable, which begs the question when are they going to get round to banning it round my way? It shows no signs of abating, in fact even the bloody Muslims have joined in, though I've not seen this pc brigade we hear so much about skipping around in party hats. I expect they're hiding somewhere just waiting to pounce.

It's not that I mind Christmas in itself. One get's time off work, there are lights and decorations, someone usually dies in Eastenders and there's a lot of drinking. In that respect it means that once a year the rest of the nation resembles what goes on in my head during idle moments -though with less in the way of kittens.

It's the fucking gifts I can't stand -that and the physical contact. This year in work we had the usual 'Secret Santa' draws in the various offices. I ended up in draws in two offices, which meant buying two presents and receiving two presents. It's just as well my mother used to lecture me on not giving to receive because I'd have been bloody furious otherwise. I spent hours on my gifts whereas one of my Secret Santas might as well have popped into the service station for a bunch of withered mixed flowers and a chamois leather.

Naturally I have undertaken detective work to establish precisely who my enemy is and have been stunned to learn that such a seemingly nice chap can hold me in such contempt. It's all the more frustrating because I've lost count of all the bitchy things I could have said about him during the year but held back because I thought wearing Simpsons ties in the office didn't necessarily mean he was evil. I think for my New Years resolution I shall revert to despising everyone until they prove themselves to be good eggs.

Finally I ask you all to note the clip at the top of the page. It's part one of three of the 1977 Christmas special of The Good Life. As Grace Dent notes in the Guardian it might well be Penelope Keith's finest acting hour. I love the charecter of Margo Leadbetter to the extent that I have to remind myself, sadly she isn't real and as such I shall never be admitted to one of her bridge parties. Do take the time to watch the episode- it's quite the hoot.

Cheerio

Laughing All The Way To The Bank!

Hello,
Imagine if you will, getting up one day to find you'd been burgled and everything of value you owned had been nicked. Worse still you hadn't got round to renewing the insurance leaving you seriously out of pocket. Still not to worry -you're a plucky, robust sort. Of course you'll need to cut back a bit, raid the savings and maybe holiday at home next year. Still you say to yourself it could be worse at least none of your family were hurt during the burglary. Gradually the house starts to feel like home again and though you're still angry about the burglary, you can think of it without foaming at the mouth.

Then one day a postcard arrives. It's from the thief. He just wants to let you know he booked himself an extended holiday with the proceeds of the burglary and wanted to tell you all about the great laughs he's been having at your expense. The next morning his wife drops you a line to tell you about the lovely kettle she bought with that money you'd foolishly left on the sideboard. And not a word of thanks between them.

You'd be hopping mad, homicidal, crazed with rage. Walls would be punched, cats would be kicked, appliances would be hurled from top floor windows -only you don't have any appliances because the bastard burglar knicked them all. You'd be bloody furious so much so that you really would see the red mist there before your very eyes.

Someone nicking your stuff is bad enough but nicking your stuff and laughing at you is maddening beyond belief. You'd feel you were being goaded, belittled, insulted. You'd say he's taking the piss and you'd be right.

The above just about sums up how I feel about the article I linked to in my last post written by Austin Mitchell MP . Not only has he robbed us with his extravagant expenses claims, he's popped along to The Guardian to tell us all just how bloody funny he thinks the whole thing is. And yes, his wife, his unelected wife is at the expenses as well, having just splashed out £75 for a kettle. Some bird who happens to live with a MP has spent £75 of our money, £10:70 more than a single unemployed person gets to live on in a week, on a wretched bloody kettle. A kettle.

Words fail me! I'm reduced to opening and shutting my mouth like a big purple faced fish. Talk about a brassneck. As if the article itself isn't offensive enough he's laughing in his byline photo. Laughing at us like a man with a fucking subsidised kettle.

From time to time I fill out Community Care Grant forms for my more impoverished clients to help them buy furniture and household goods. There are no £75 kettles for these folk. As the grants are drawn from a limited budget people are expected seek out the bargains so whilst you might want a £75 kettle, the decision maker will call you up establish that you own a pot and your hob works therefore you don't need a kettle. Fancy a fridge? Not if you have a windowsill to keep a pint of milk on and no essential medication that needs keeping cool. What about an oven? No -you own a perfectly good microwave. A Duck House - no chance! A Bell Tower -piss off! Removal of that troublesome wisteria - when hell freezes over.

These grants are applied for by people with disabilities, ex-homeless and the like who have no savings and rely entirely on benefits for their income. They don't get £60,000 p/a -these are folk on four figure annual incomes. Perhaps one of the good socialists of the Labour Party could enlighten us. Are these people receiving far, far less help than they're due or having you lot just been ripping the piss right out of your expenses? After all expenses are just for what you need not wee treats. Or are some pigs more equal than others?

Cheerio

Look at This Cretin!

Hello'
Ladies and Gents I give you Austin Michell MP and his hilarious expenses claims with some help from the little lady. God I wish they'd all drop dead.

Cheerio

Inheritance, Crochet, Knitting and Bulbs

Hello,
This is one of these rambling blog posts about little of any real importance to those of you in the non-Clairwil community but may it comfort you to know rambling pleases me.

Obviously a proper writer would find some way to link their personal situation to Gordon Brown or some other drain on the nations joy. It's bloody typical of me to become quite upbeat when everyone else is walking around with their faces tripping them because blighty has gone to the dogs.

I suspect it's the thrill of the new that's put a spring in my step. Recently I met a Lady as in a member of the aristocracy. I thought she was top form and not at all snooty -though very, very posh indeed. Obviously I felt like a bit of a midden in comparison and experienced several cold sweats about doing something non-u with an imaginary serviette. Still when all is said and done I do not believe my conduct besmirched the reputation of the lower middle classes. No doubt a huge parade of casual racism and curtain twitching will be held in my honour when the sixties semi set get wind of it.

I'm actually feeling rather aristocratic myself following mother's announcement that my granny's books are to be disposed of . Mind you, unlike the real aristocrats I don't even have the option of involving the Scottish National Trust

My inheritance snatched from me by an unfeeling feng-shui practitioner. Instead of expressing my true feelings on the subject I have opted for damage limitation. To date I think I have saved the poetry, The Book of Snobs , Three Men In a Boat and a P.G Wodehouse that I believe is in the collection but no one else does. I have also petitioned for the sale of the rest since their presence is such an affront. I cannot bear to see those damp smelling, dusty hardbacks binned.

They aren't just objects or clutter they are the library of a clever, curious woman forced to leave school at thirteen because of a lack of money, who rather than just whine about the injustice chose to combine rage with lifelong self -education. I think there is a lot to admire in that, however difficult and bitter she was on a personal level. Who can blame her? Virtually all her siblings won scholarships and went on to better things while she became a servant. You'd think Mummy would be delighted with such a legacy but no. On she trundles in her quest to leave nothing but a crap pebble-dashed semi.

Recently I've taken up yon knitting which I'm finding restful and tricky in equal measure. I cannot move for tripping over knitting needles holding the beginnings of bears, snoods, cats, balls and caterpillars. Sadly despite my best efforts crochet eludes me. For now.

My gardening, fund raising and bulb planting mission continues and whilst I think we shall fall short of the big target having been very badly let down here and there, both I and my partner in gardening crime have exceeded our targets and between us brought in a cool 7000 bulbs. All donations are gratefully received but we were particularly impressed by the good folk of the North Kelvin Meadow pitching in with £50 and priceless free labour with yesterdays planting. This donation was particularly touching because the city council are in the process of removing them from the land to sell the land to folk who will build a block of flats that are neither wanted or desirable in that area. Depressing stuff.

Strangely the council think my troop of guerrillas are just the ticket and have offered us all sorts of much needed help. Better still we're more or less a constituted group which means we can apply for funding. My aim has always been for the group to become a full time occupation -let's face it there's plenty neglected land that needs our attention. However I'd like us to at least generate most of our own income and just top up with grants and the like. Between us all we've a million plans and hopefully we're at a point where they might just be possible. All in all I'm happy.


Cheerio

The Britblog Round Up

Hello,
As my longer term readers will have noticed it's been a while since I last hosted The Britblog Round Up. Having quit to spend Sunday offline a while back I found I was missing it and decided to offer my services on the subs bench so this may be the first of many infrequent returns of the round up to these pages.


As an island we've not had an awful lot of good news recently so it was nice to round the week off with rugby victories for both Scotland and England. The less said about Scotland's footballing performance the better so let's just say well done Wales and move swiftly on to the cream of this weeks blogging talent.

Gordon Brown's attempt to comfort the grieving mother of a soldier killed in Afghanistan or more accurately The Sun's attempt to portray his letter as a calculated insult caused a stooshie this week. Whilst Brown elicited sympathy from both expected and unexpected quarters. A Very British Dude felt that despite his initial sympathy for Brown the row did reveal something rotten in the governments attitude towards our armed services and brought to mind some of the governments own past dirty tricks. My take on the whole debacle can be found below.

The Sun hasn't just been upsetting Gordon Brown this week. Both Trixy and Mark Reckons are disgusted at the papers targeting of Professor Nutt's children. Judging from some of the comments under the original Sun story it appears that the paper has again misjudged the mood of it's readers.

Penny Red treats us to a spirited defence of a young woman who had the effrontery to horse about in a pair of comedy pants on a night out only to find she'd become the poster child for hysteria over binge drinking ladettes.

The Glasgow North East by election has caught the attention of more than one blogger. David Duff wonders if there's something in the porridge. Jeff at SNP Tactical Voting is unsurprised by the result. Meanwhile Archbishop Cranmer reminds us that the poor will always be with us and judging from his depressing, if informative list, mainly found in safe Labour seats.

Speaking of poverty The Daily Maybe present the argument for a possible solution in the shape of a basic citizens income for all.

Philibiblon examines what 'Martine Segalen’s Love and Power in the Peasant Family: Rural France in the Nineteenth Century' has to tell the reader about French rural life. Meanwhile Investigations of a Dog looks at military culture in early Stuart England as detailed in a very expensive book.

Stroppyblog is less than impressed with Hope Not Hate's attempts to head off the BNP threat and wonders why their literature appears to be aimed at people who probably wouldn't vote BNP anyway . Elsewhese Gramsci of all folk get's an outing thanks to an article by Melanie Phillips. Liberal Conspiracy and Bella Gerens take a look at the arguments.

This post from the F-word prompts one to wonder what on earth goes at E4 and appears to reveal some strange and disturbing attitudes in the minds of the writers of Misfits.

This Tory believes that government attempts to protect homosexuals will do more harm than good. Read his letter to Jack Straw here.

Ruscombe Green brings us news of lively events at Stroud Council.

The Earthenwitch renders a cob house. On the bright side judging from the picture it looks like the end result will be well worth all the effort.

Ducks the nation over will breathe a sigh of relief that not only do they have a friend in Liberal England but in the Stroud Fire Service . However they may wish to scratch the Taxpayers Alliance off the Christmas card list.

The ever popular subject of chocolate get's two mentions this week. Unmitigated England is gloomy at the looming prospect of the Kraft takeover of Cadburys. Meanwhile Backwatersman recalls a visit to Cadbury World.

Pickled Politics bring us a depressing account of good conduct well punished. Truly British justice is the best in the world.

No less depressing is this one that goes, a blogger an architect, a civil servant, a marketing manager and a councillor go into a bar.....

From the threatened demise of Cadburys as we know it to the threatened end of the world.
Two Doctors is unimpressed with the arguments put forward by climate change sceptics and those who believe disaster will be averted by the end of cheap oil.

Punkadiddle re-reads a much loved classic and judges the cover to be a very lovely thing indeed.

Heresy Corner reports on the computer that said no to Churchill's call to fight on the beaches and is not optimistic about the ability of computers to cope with complex marking.

Finally allow me to apologise for the delay in posting this weeks round up -Blogger had one of it's periodic fits apparently prompted by my hitting of the publish button. The Round up will be elsewhere next week so get your nominations in here.

Cheerio