Rumours of my death are just wishful thinking.

Hello,
I'd like to report I've spent my absence doling out sexual favours to the IDF but the truth is sadly more mundane and not at likely to cause my fellow lefties to blow up and burst.

Instead I have with a heavy heart and after 12 years split up with Mr Clairwil. It's very sad but I always thought a lot more of him than he did of me and the chase just got too exhausting in the end. In other words the whole thing had limped on too long and I wasn't getting enough attention. I have to hand it to the former Mr Clairwil he's one of only two ex sparring partners I don't sincerely wish were dead. In truth I think he was glad to be rid of me and I can't help thinking he's better off without me. As girlfriends go I am a wonderful hockey player.

It's a bewildering business being single after twelve years. I am informed that blow jobs are the new 'getting off with' and that people send each other racy rexts for kicks. How typical of the world of romance to go to hell in a handcart whilst I was busy.

I also have to deal with the awful problem of being keen on new and unfamiliar folk. I do not enjoy being keen on a chap. It is awful. There is more pleasure to be had with hives. Oh yes it's all sunshine and beer when you first clap eyes on them and you think you're in with a chance but then one looks at the grim facts and suddenly the world seems a very harsh place. A passionate celibacy is all I have to look forward to. I don't like it. This is not how I see myself.

Feelings are the pits!

Cheerio

It Was A One In A Million Chance!

Hello,
I see that some fellow is in a spot of bother after his cat downloaded some child porn. That really is the modern equivalent of doing the housework nude and accidentially getting your penis stuck in the hoover.

I can't help but notice that men seem to be disproportionately affected by these somewhat unfortunate one in a million chance accidents, incidents and misunderstandings. Has any research been undertaken as to why men should be so afflicted?

I am led to believe that members of the chap community are somewhat narked with Harriet Harman at the moment. Perhaps by way of an olive branch Miss Harman in her role as equalities minister could commission some research into this to make the chaps feel cared for again. Or better still a full public inquiry to let the victims of misandrist cat pranks, potatoes, siren bikes , tables , sheep , goats , horses, shoe horns, household appliances, wetsuits, electrodes, tractors, lamp posts and cars have their voices heard in a safe and non-judgemental environment.

Now I know these things cost money and the economy, taxes, hard working familes , blah etc but I cannot help but think the time is right for the UK to lead the world in getting to the bottom of these strange incidents.