The Guardian

Hello,
It may be that I have an unusually suspicious nature but I can't help but think this fellow over at The Guardian is being somewhat naive.

Mr Kennedy is somewhat indignant to find out that an organic food chain by the name of 'Whole Foods' isn't quite as wholesome as it's marketing hopes you'll believe. I know I can hardly believe it myself! Can it be true? Do we live in a world where marketing firms are paid millions to churn out any old bollocks to prise the pennies from our purses?

I can't even be bothered going into the terrible events that caused the scales to fall from his eyes. I shall merely ask whether his apparent distress at the sight of a bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup means his life is easier or much harder than everyone elses. On the one hand he's lucky that's all he has to worry him but on the other, life cannot be easy if condiments bring on a fit of the vapours. Mind you he's lucky it was Heinz -he'd no doubt be horrified at some of the inferior brands most supermarkets will try and palm you off with. The worst offenders are cafes -what these fiends try to pass of as HP ought to banned.

I'm a bit surprised at the ruler of Whole Foods being so open about selling junk to naive toffs. If I was him I'd be arranging my face into a suitably Christ like expression of compassion and emoting about pesticides and children, casually chucking in that 'we at Whole Foods sell organic stuff' -that's bound to be worth a few extra sales once the parents of Georgie, Jack and Jemima get all hysterical at the idea their little seedlings are being poisoned.

I must say the Guardian is superb at the moment, absolutely superb. Mr Eugenides very kindly draws our attention their 'I've Changed My Mind' series in which contributors affect to have undergone some some change in their thinking but which lead me to suspect someone, possibly Viz might have infiltrated The Guardian offices in order to play a terrible prank on us all. The one by a repentant 'Modern Parent' type is quite wonderful especially for the bewildered cry of 'he'd never watched anything more violent than Teletubbies'.

In fairness most of the 'I've changed my mind..' article read like those awful school essays one was forced to write about the holidays in which one had to cobble assorted imaginary incidents together to fufil the one page of foolscap, both sides brief. I expect with the credit crunch they all need the money for organic sunblushed foie gras roulades or what ever it is they're into these days.

Cheerio

Hey! Terry Show Us Your Legal Action!

Hello,
I recently emailed Cllr Terry Kelly in response to some lies he'd told about me on his blog.

Here is his response!

'It wasn't just the terrywatch site which was repellent you were as well; anyone who uses mental health issues to gain personal advantage is beneath contempt; that means you.

You were anonymous out of cowardice nothing else; like the other contemptible blogger "Will" you now feel vulnerable because of the recent expose of anti Labour blog scandals and you no doubt wonder what might happen. I have been contacted by two different sources who remember the Herald article and they have asked me if I would supply them with any stuff which I have kept so I am watching developments closely. It would be interesting to add some other names of people involved in such despicable behaviour.

I don't know anything about other Herald Stories on you or the other malcontents involved and I don't want to know; the whole rotten lot of you deserve each other. As far as taking further action against you is concerned that decision will be taken not by me but by my daughter; were it simply down to me you would have had the lawyer's letter by now.'

Cllr. Terry Kelly.


Oh dear! I'm actually desperate for this to go to court. I'm of the opinion that prosceuting me for my political beliefs hurts him rather more than it hurts me. I'm also of the opinion that pigs will fly the day this pair of political bigots sue me.

Cheers

P.S If anyone is up for restarting Terrywatch on a more organised and more analytical basis let me know.

J.C

I Thought They Banned It!

Hello,
Every year the press get's itself into a terrible state about Muslims no doubt in cahoots with the pc brigade banning Christmas in order to torment the all important indigenous people.

The notion that these stories are all but made up is of course unthinkable, which begs the question when are they going to get round to banning it round my way? It shows no signs of abating, in fact even the bloody Muslims have joined in, though I've not seen this pc brigade we hear so much about skipping around in party hats. I expect they're hiding somewhere just waiting to pounce.

It's not that I mind Christmas in itself. One get's time off work, there are lights and decorations, someone usually dies in Eastenders and there's a lot of drinking. In that respect it means that once a year the rest of the nation resembles what goes on in my head during idle moments -though with less in the way of kittens.

It's the fucking gifts I can't stand -that and the physical contact. This year in work we had the usual 'Secret Santa' draws in the various offices. I ended up in draws in two offices, which meant buying two presents and receiving two presents. It's just as well my mother used to lecture me on not giving to receive because I'd have been bloody furious otherwise. I spent hours on my gifts whereas one of my Secret Santas might as well have popped into the service station for a bunch of withered mixed flowers and a chamois leather.

Naturally I have undertaken detective work to establish precisely who my enemy is and have been stunned to learn that such a seemingly nice chap can hold me in such contempt. It's all the more frustrating because I've lost count of all the bitchy things I could have said about him during the year but held back because I thought wearing Simpsons ties in the office didn't necessarily mean he was evil. I think for my New Years resolution I shall revert to despising everyone until they prove themselves to be good eggs.

Finally I ask you all to note the clip at the top of the page. It's part one of three of the 1977 Christmas special of The Good Life. As Grace Dent notes in the Guardian it might well be Penelope Keith's finest acting hour. I love the charecter of Margo Leadbetter to the extent that I have to remind myself, sadly she isn't real and as such I shall never be admitted to one of her bridge parties. Do take the time to watch the episode- it's quite the hoot.

Cheerio

Laughing All The Way To The Bank!

Hello,
Imagine if you will, getting up one day to find you'd been burgled and everything of value you owned had been nicked. Worse still you hadn't got round to renewing the insurance leaving you seriously out of pocket. Still not to worry -you're a plucky, robust sort. Of course you'll need to cut back a bit, raid the savings and maybe holiday at home next year. Still you say to yourself it could be worse at least none of your family were hurt during the burglary. Gradually the house starts to feel like home again and though you're still angry about the burglary, you can think of it without foaming at the mouth.

Then one day a postcard arrives. It's from the thief. He just wants to let you know he booked himself an extended holiday with the proceeds of the burglary and wanted to tell you all about the great laughs he's been having at your expense. The next morning his wife drops you a line to tell you about the lovely kettle she bought with that money you'd foolishly left on the sideboard. And not a word of thanks between them.

You'd be hopping mad, homicidal, crazed with rage. Walls would be punched, cats would be kicked, appliances would be hurled from top floor windows -only you don't have any appliances because the bastard burglar knicked them all. You'd be bloody furious so much so that you really would see the red mist there before your very eyes.

Someone nicking your stuff is bad enough but nicking your stuff and laughing at you is maddening beyond belief. You'd feel you were being goaded, belittled, insulted. You'd say he's taking the piss and you'd be right.

The above just about sums up how I feel about the article I linked to in my last post written by Austin Mitchell MP . Not only has he robbed us with his extravagant expenses claims, he's popped along to The Guardian to tell us all just how bloody funny he thinks the whole thing is. And yes, his wife, his unelected wife is at the expenses as well, having just splashed out £75 for a kettle. Some bird who happens to live with a MP has spent £75 of our money, £10:70 more than a single unemployed person gets to live on in a week, on a wretched bloody kettle. A kettle.

Words fail me! I'm reduced to opening and shutting my mouth like a big purple faced fish. Talk about a brassneck. As if the article itself isn't offensive enough he's laughing in his byline photo. Laughing at us like a man with a fucking subsidised kettle.

From time to time I fill out Community Care Grant forms for my more impoverished clients to help them buy furniture and household goods. There are no £75 kettles for these folk. As the grants are drawn from a limited budget people are expected seek out the bargains so whilst you might want a £75 kettle, the decision maker will call you up establish that you own a pot and your hob works therefore you don't need a kettle. Fancy a fridge? Not if you have a windowsill to keep a pint of milk on and no essential medication that needs keeping cool. What about an oven? No -you own a perfectly good microwave. A Duck House - no chance! A Bell Tower -piss off! Removal of that troublesome wisteria - when hell freezes over.

These grants are applied for by people with disabilities, ex-homeless and the like who have no savings and rely entirely on benefits for their income. They don't get £60,000 p/a -these are folk on four figure annual incomes. Perhaps one of the good socialists of the Labour Party could enlighten us. Are these people receiving far, far less help than they're due or having you lot just been ripping the piss right out of your expenses? After all expenses are just for what you need not wee treats. Or are some pigs more equal than others?

Cheerio

Look at This Cretin!

Hello'
Ladies and Gents I give you Austin Michell MP and his hilarious expenses claims with some help from the little lady. God I wish they'd all drop dead.

Cheerio