Hello,
As a young pup I was forever getting into trouble for laughing at things. My Modern Studies teacher* was the worst for it -there I'd be having a pleasant chuckle with one of my chums when he'd butt in without so much as an apology and go off on one about how I wouldn't find it funny when I failed my exams. Twit! What I did find fucking hilarious was showing him my certificate with a big 'A' pass on it and telling him I had only done half an hours study the night before the exam. Exams are a doddle -it was bloody continuous assessment that did for me until I learned how to play the system.
I've never understood this madness governments have about exam results. Passing exams proves nothing much at all and as far as I can tell results in bewildered graduates cluttering up call centres muttering about having a degree and looking down on their fellow workers who got in to the call centre racket without so much as a single O Grade. Imagine wasting all that time doing a degree to get a job that doesn't require qualifications!
Still to return to the point, it is an awkward thing but once someone tells you to stop laughing it is physically impossible to do so, especially if they tell you to stop laughing at them. 'Stop laughing at me' is comedy gold-without doubt the funniest phrase in spoken English.
Which is why I can't help thinking that President Zardari is making a terrible error by trying to stop the good folk of his country having a cheeky Pakistani chuckle at his expense. Obviously he didn't say it in English but laughing at politicians is a pastime that transcends borders and language. Of course I'd like to think he just done it to encourage more chuckling in Pakistan and is nobly sacrificing himself as a laughter lamb in the cause of increasing the gaiety of the nation. However I suspect he's probably just a humourless git with totalitarian tendencies. Boo! Hiss!to him.
I just hope Brown doesn't go getting any ideas, though people don't really laugh at Brown much do they. It's more baffled despair than giggles these days isn't it? Still one never knows what Brown is thinking so keep your eyes peeled for any anti-joke legislation in the offing. In the event that Brown is looking abroad for inspiration can I commend to him the fine example laid down for the guidance of leaders everywhere by good old Berlusconi? He's great isn't he? Well politically and ethically he's dubious but when it comes down to it everyone loves a shagger unless they're a boring puritan with a mouth like a cats puckered arse.
I loathed the last Tory government with a ferocity that bordered on homicidal but never failed to grin at their racy antics. One can never truly despise someone who's paid good money to have a call girl hurl doughnuts at his willy, been spanked with a slipper or interfered with wearing nowt but a football strip and a smile. The glory days of the Back to Basics campaign were some of my happiest. Everyday another one would be caught sans breeks. It fair took the edge the misery they were causing at the time.
To that end I think Brown should become a sexual deviant of some sort and take up with the newly single Jordan. It probably wouldn't do much to GDP or whatever boring statistics we're all enslaved by these days by twits who labour under the misapprehension that anything that doesn't turn a coin is inherently evil but think what a surprise it would be. It'd be a hoot, an absolute hoot -probably the biggest hoot of all time. You really would remember where you were for the rest of your days when you found out Brown was stirring Andre's porridge.
As I pootle about my bit of the world I cannot help but notice there is a big cloud of misery hanging over people who follow current affairs. In contrast people who never read a thing and greet the arrival of the evening news bulletin with a 'quick turn over' are as happy as any sentient human can be. I don't hold with not being interested in politics-if they're docking my wages I want to know what they're up to. A good shagging scandal brings us all together in a collective 'Good Lord'. The economy is a joke, no-one can find work that needs it, we're the most bossed about democratic nation on earth and despite the best efforts of workers our public services are a mess. It's only going to get worse under the next lot unless you're minted.
In other words there's not a lot to smile about politically and Brown as the man in charge has a duty to perk us all up by doing something human and gossipworthy. It worked for Clinton**what did he ever do but bomb asprin factories, Iraq and fail to deliver on healthcare reform, gays in the military and so on, yet everyone loves him because he's a shagger.
Cheerio
*Not nice Mr Miller but that simpering proto Blairite careerist cunt MacGregor.
** I once met 'that woman' Miss Lewinsky at a book signing, her's not mine and she's a beauty- in particular her hair, eyes and skin. In all my life I've never seen anyone in the flesh with such beautiful creamy white skin. I was an remain slightly in love and awe. Clinton was lucky to get within spitting distance really.
7/25/2009
7/15/2009
Tough On Telephones
Hello,
I see our glorious future government are pretending they know how to tackle youth crime with their laughable proposal to confiscate young hooligans phones. I hate to break it to them but I've met neds they'll only go and nick a replacement caring not a jot about the phone in police custody. They're not noted for their sentimentality about these things. The way they'll see it is that they end up with two phones once the police release the old one. Good God! We're talking about folk who attack people for looking at them. Confiscate their phones!
Oddly the report in the link above describes this is a populist measure. Who exactly is it popular with? If they'd proposed giving them a good boot up the arse or beheading them they'd be elected on a landslide. No one ever smacked a pub table and declared that criminals should lose their mobiles for a month. Populist! Are they anticipating future headlines that read 'nation rejoices as ned undergoes month of minor inconvenience'? The mind boggles.
The only people who'll be taken in by this daft policy are pensioners who don't realise that any old tramp can afford a mobile and believe the young pups are all getting about a million quid a week pocket money if they can afford mobiles.
Personally I'd just have gone for publishing their phone numbers and encouraging the nation to bombard them with crank calls. It wouldn't serve any real purpose other than my personal amusement but it's no less effective than this proposal which is more suited to an irate parent than a government in waiting.
Cheerio
I see our glorious future government are pretending they know how to tackle youth crime with their laughable proposal to confiscate young hooligans phones. I hate to break it to them but I've met neds they'll only go and nick a replacement caring not a jot about the phone in police custody. They're not noted for their sentimentality about these things. The way they'll see it is that they end up with two phones once the police release the old one. Good God! We're talking about folk who attack people for looking at them. Confiscate their phones!
Oddly the report in the link above describes this is a populist measure. Who exactly is it popular with? If they'd proposed giving them a good boot up the arse or beheading them they'd be elected on a landslide. No one ever smacked a pub table and declared that criminals should lose their mobiles for a month. Populist! Are they anticipating future headlines that read 'nation rejoices as ned undergoes month of minor inconvenience'? The mind boggles.
The only people who'll be taken in by this daft policy are pensioners who don't realise that any old tramp can afford a mobile and believe the young pups are all getting about a million quid a week pocket money if they can afford mobiles.
Personally I'd just have gone for publishing their phone numbers and encouraging the nation to bombard them with crank calls. It wouldn't serve any real purpose other than my personal amusement but it's no less effective than this proposal which is more suited to an irate parent than a government in waiting.
Cheerio
7/13/2009
Purring Cats!
Hello,
Apologies for yet another mammoth absence, I've been rather preoccupied with trying to obtain free bulbs for the last week or so and that's scoffed up my attention. I'd love to report it's going well but we've not been pledged a single bulb yet -though let's be positive I'm sure we'll get there. People thus far have been very supportive in words if not in bulbs.
Anyway moving on to jolly old cats. As some of you may be aware I very fond of the buggers for more or less the same reasons that people are suspicious of them. You can keep the dumb loyalty of dogs -who wants to be friends with something that would talk to anyone? Mind you I don't hate dogs they're quite jolly in their own way and it's always good to see one in a hat or on a skateboard looking bewildered.
So cats. Some boffin has discovered that cats use special purrs to manipulate humans into doin their bidding. I can't say I've ever noticed any special purring among my feline friends just the standard issue elderly fridge purr. When our Brian wants attention he sticks his nose into one's eye socket, Sophie wails like a tortured baby and Carly does her level best to draw blood. Maybe that's because I've been unable to recognise the special purr all these years and they've ot so frustrated they've resorted to other means to bring one into line. No wonder I left them with Mummy when I flew the nest. Reading that back it's plain they're a shower of nutters.
It's slightly off topic but I once cured someone of a serious allergy to cat hair. I must confess I was trying to murder them by collecting bits of cat hair and putting it in their pocket and handbag to no avail. It's puzzling because I got the idea when they told me that they'd blown up like a balloon and had to go to hospital because they ate a slice of cake baked by someone who owned a cat. It was upon hearing this tale related in a whiny voice that I hatched my plan. Of course because it was a murder attempt I couldn't take the credit for curing their life-threatening cat hair allergy and so the silly woman still runs screaming from cats in the belief she's still suffering. I must admit I came close to fessing up when a cat appeared at the closed office window and she ran to the other side of the room shrieking 'get it away'.
Right I'm off again to panhandle some bulbs.
Cheerio
Apologies for yet another mammoth absence, I've been rather preoccupied with trying to obtain free bulbs for the last week or so and that's scoffed up my attention. I'd love to report it's going well but we've not been pledged a single bulb yet -though let's be positive I'm sure we'll get there. People thus far have been very supportive in words if not in bulbs.
Anyway moving on to jolly old cats. As some of you may be aware I very fond of the buggers for more or less the same reasons that people are suspicious of them. You can keep the dumb loyalty of dogs -who wants to be friends with something that would talk to anyone? Mind you I don't hate dogs they're quite jolly in their own way and it's always good to see one in a hat or on a skateboard looking bewildered.
So cats. Some boffin has discovered that cats use special purrs to manipulate humans into doin their bidding. I can't say I've ever noticed any special purring among my feline friends just the standard issue elderly fridge purr. When our Brian wants attention he sticks his nose into one's eye socket, Sophie wails like a tortured baby and Carly does her level best to draw blood. Maybe that's because I've been unable to recognise the special purr all these years and they've ot so frustrated they've resorted to other means to bring one into line. No wonder I left them with Mummy when I flew the nest. Reading that back it's plain they're a shower of nutters.
It's slightly off topic but I once cured someone of a serious allergy to cat hair. I must confess I was trying to murder them by collecting bits of cat hair and putting it in their pocket and handbag to no avail. It's puzzling because I got the idea when they told me that they'd blown up like a balloon and had to go to hospital because they ate a slice of cake baked by someone who owned a cat. It was upon hearing this tale related in a whiny voice that I hatched my plan. Of course because it was a murder attempt I couldn't take the credit for curing their life-threatening cat hair allergy and so the silly woman still runs screaming from cats in the belief she's still suffering. I must admit I came close to fessing up when a cat appeared at the closed office window and she ran to the other side of the room shrieking 'get it away'.
Right I'm off again to panhandle some bulbs.
Cheerio
7/06/2009
Any Spare Bulbs Mate?
Hello,
I and my merry troop of gardeners are trying to round up and plant ten thousand bulbs of varying sorts between August and December this year and would like your help to do so.
To help out click here or here to make a donation at no cost to yourself.
Cheerio
I and my merry troop of gardeners are trying to round up and plant ten thousand bulbs of varying sorts between August and December this year and would like your help to do so.
To help out click here or here to make a donation at no cost to yourself.
Cheerio
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