Petty Authority and Flatulence

Do you ever regret doing someone a good turn? A few weeks ago I gave a client £100 to help them out as their benefits had been stopped. I wasn't expecting to get the money back but the woman was one of my favourites and I'd just received a tax rebate so I wasn't really losing out. Anyway the woman turned up at my office when I was out and gave money to my boss to pass on to me. To say I've had my arse kicked is an understatement. Apparently it is 'clearly stated' in my contract the we do not give people money. I wouldn't mind but my boss reckons she's a socialist, all I was doing was trying to redistribute some wealth, you'd think she would be pleased. Anyway the upshot of it all is that I've to attend a disciplinary for spending my own money. Still the worst thing they can do is sack me, it could be worse.

My esteemed friend The Ill Man tackles a topic that has been worrying me for some time. To give you a bit of background I was sat in work one quiet day chatting with a group of ladies about men and their funny little ways. I was somewhat shocked when one lady remarked that she hated it when men farted in bed and forced your head under the covers to the inhale the crime. I was astonished beyond mere words when everyone except me agreed. I must stress that I do not have a fetish for being farted at, it's just that I've never in my life had anyone treat me in such an appalling fashion. I did what any confused young woman would do and asked my mother if this sort of behaviour was normal. Happily my mother was as shocked as I was. It would have been hard to feel any real love for my father if she'd outed him as wind terrorist. From the research that I, my mother and now The Ill Man have carried it appears that this behaviour is not only widespread but tolerated. The question I have for the chaps is what makes you fart at some women and not others? Why do you do it? Has anyone ever chucked you for flatulent abuse? In short what on earth is going on?


st anthony said...

The professional relationship is obviously the problem here and your employers are probably correct to haul you over the coles.

On the other hand, I know it won't be much consolation if they do sack you (I doubt they will), but you're a better man than most Gunga Din..........;)

Clairwil said...

Well yes I can see where they're coming from but fuck them I am always right even when I'm wrong. Doubt I'll get sacked, though part of me hopes I do. I think it might be the making of me besides I haven't been sacked for years.

Sunny said...

Damn, hope the hearing goes in your favour Clairwil! Can you not pretend she was a friend etc and it was nothing to do with work?

On your second point... that is bizarre. My ex-gf would beat me if I farted in the same room (ok there was no violence involved but she had a scary stare :( )... it would never even cross my mind to make her smell it! I'd never hear the end of it!

Dr Maroon said...

How much interest are you charging? Could be important.

All joking aside, take a union rep. ALWAYS.

A previous Mrs Maroon used to hold my head under the covers. It had nothing to do with flatulence.
Dirty little midden.

Billy said...

Farts smell the worst in the shower.

margin walker said...

Ive been with girls who have farted, and I have farted back at them..

Clairwil said...

Your ex sounds like a sensible woman. Can you not win her back?
I think the hearing will be fine, though I half wish that they would sack me.

Dr Maroon,
If only I'd thought of charging interest. But the woman in question is very tall, wears fantastic headscarves and has six beautiful children. I was compelled to hand over the loot.

How very odd. I don't think I've ever farted in the shower, however I shall make a point of it next time I'm alone in order to test your theory.

We are talking unprovoked attacks here. I will excuse your behaviour this time.

ill man said...

Wow! Margin can fart to order!

Or am I deliberately mis-reading that one?

Clairwil said...

Ill man,
I read it the same way. Imagine being able to fart to order, You could go far in showbiz with that I think.

alan said...

what impresses me about this post is the fact that you took the time to photograph someone farting under a blue duvet to illustrate it. that's dedication. happily the days of sniffable blogs are not yet upon us.

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