Ask Clairwil


I have just received a stern lecture from my mother who has advised me that if I want to feel better I should help someone else. I daresay there's a lot of truth in that so I'd like to hear about your problems and offer you the benefit of my wisdom. Whether you're in the horns of a dilemma or just want to bore someone else for a change let me know and I shall do my best to help. Remember no problem is too small and you can remain anonymous. Contact me here.



Universal Soldier said...


Why is there is only one monopolies commision? This question keeps me awake at night.

Thanks in advance.


Steve55 said...

Careful with that joke, it's an antique.

Clairwil said...

Ah yes the old monopolies question.
I suspect it's just a case of do as I say not as I do.

matt lobster said...

Who will Elton John sing "Candle in the Wind" about next?

Clairwil said...

Good question Matt!
I have consulted the last recipient of that honour the late Queen of Hearts who I communicate with using a makeshift ouija board and a small wine glass. She is of the opinion that it will either be Molly Sugden or Elizabeth Taylor.

Hope this helps!

Clairwil said...

Can I help anyone else? Roll up!
Roll up!

west coaster said...

If you're travelling at the speed of light and the lights go off ... what happens?

Clairwil said...

An awful crash.

Anonymous said...

Should a man ask his partner to occasionally dominate him and therefore risk losing forever the macho image she has of him or should the man seek professional help?

Billy said...

What song should I learn to play on the ukulele first?

alan said...

I don't mean to intrude, but I know the answer to Billy's question. 'Red River Valley'.

And I have a question of my own. What exactly is yoghurt?

Clairwil said...

ooooh poor anon,
you are in a lather luvvie!
I think what you need is a mistress to dominate you and a series of cast iron alibis to stop your partner finding out.

I shall defer to Alan's superior knowledge on suitable ukulele tunes and wish you the best of luck with your music.

The truth about yoghurt is not for the faint hearted I'm afraid.

'A dairy product that`s the result of milk that has fermented and coagulated because it`s been invaded by friendly bacteria. This can be accomplished naturally by keeping the milk at about 110°F for several hours. The end result is a creamy-textured yogurt with an astringent, slightly tart taste.'

Larry Teabag said...

I'm struggling to understand what impact the recent construction of bad fields in characteristic 0 will have on the Borovik approach to the algebraicity conjecture of simple groups of finite Morley rank. Please can you explain it to me, Clairwil?

Anonymous said...

Thanks Clairwil, I know it makes sense. If you can come up with a good Mistress and a few unbreakable alabis, I'll be even more appreciative.

Clairwil said...

That is just bad communication with the intent of making the less educated feeling unworthy. I think it is beneath you.

I might need a bit of time.

Larry Teabag said...

Well that's me told!

For the record, I don't consider people who don't understand such things unworthy. Often I consider them fortunate.

Still apologies if you thought I was trying to belittle you - I wasn't.

Anonymous said...


Any luck with that Mistress yet? Been so long now I was beginning to wonder if you were going to traffic Her in from somewhere. Which nationality has the most stern females anyway?

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