I know it's cheap and lazy but I can't help myself.


There I was last night fresh from despairing at the toffee nosed twittery of the Euston girls when I sat down to watch the news. I haven't laughed this much since the dying days of the Major government. One catastrophe after another. I am of course referring to the staggering series of disasters that have befallen Tony and chums.

I claim no expertise in anything, no special knowledge. I am not an intellectual or even especially brainy but how in the name of God is it possible to lose 1000 foreign prisoners? To lose one prisoner may be regarded as a misfortune but to lose a thousand beggars belief. I might be making a total fool of myself here but is not relatively easy to check someones papers prior to their release from prison and then put them on a plane? Charles Clarke redefines the word incompetence. Perhaps if he wasn't so busy deporting law abiding, decent families he could turn his attention to protecting the public from paedophiles, rapists and murderers . I am starting to wonder if the Labour party have got a bit confused and started campaigning for the BNP instead. Oh for the days when politicians resigned when they cocked things up.

However let's pause to give the nurses a round of applause. In fact stop reading, stand up and give them a two minute standing ovation. The nurses could only have improved on their marvellous attack on the loathsome Hewitt if they'd dumped the contents of a bedpan over her head. 'Substantial pay increases'- not as substantial as yours I'll bet, you disgraceful old trout.

Finally we were treated to the frankly astonishing news that John Prescott had a bit on the side. My mother always says that there's no accounting for taste -but John Prescott! I always thought he was lucky to land that crazy 80's style monstrosity he's married to. I can only assume Miss Temple was understandably confused by his bizarre mangling of the English language and when he asked her to take down some notes she's done something else entirely. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I'd be referring to John Prescott as 'two shags' but thanks to our tabloid chums I am. I haven't felt so delighted at a tabloid since the 'Paddy Pantsdown' Sun headline.

I realise all this has a serious side but it's not often politics gives us all a good laugh so let's just enjoy the fun while we can and always remember there are more of us than there are of them and if we all spat at once we'd drown the bastards. Finally does anyone reckon they'll be able to come up with something to top the Stephen Milligan death by auto erotic asphyxiation scandal and if so what?



Steve said...

Losing 1000 prisoners is pretty astonishing. It deserves a laugh before the serious side takes over. The thing I couldn't believe was that the Scottish news pretty much dismissed the fact as an "English problem" because, hey only 81 prisoners have been lost up here!

And JOHN PRESCOTT?! Well I guess a bit of power can buy you quite a lot of things . . .

Steve55 said...

Nothing, nothing, nothing will ever be quite as funny as the manner of poor Mr Milligan's departure. I realise one shouldn't laugh about these things, but by God he made it hard not to.

What else could you want in a death? Asphyxiation? Check. Oranges? Check. Stockings on a man? Check. Marauding gorilla? Ah, I see where it could have been improved.

Seriously, Tom Sharpe couldn't have parodied it.

alan said...

I don't think I've heard anything funnier that the 2 shags story since i read about john major shagging edwina curry on his office desk with his socks held up by garters.

i'm sure the labour party will be able to match the tory death wish as they pursue their downward spiral towards the next general election. i'm thinking of something involving peter 'mandy' mandelson wearing a nappy and a billy-goat stolen from huddersfield zoo chained up in his cellar beside a waxworks dummy of lord archer on all fours, and naked.

Clairwil said...

'The thing I couldn't believe was that the Scottish news pretty much dismissed the fact as an "English problem"'

Of course being foreign these criminals wouldn't be able to get on buses or trains and travel to any part of the U.K the liked would they?

The demise of Mr Milligan is a hard one to top, though Alan's scenario pretty much does it.

Billy said...

I don't think Labour will top the Tories scandal-wise. Doesn't mean they won't try.

Basically the majority of Labour scandals are about money - because they represent the working classes, whereas the Tories are all about sex - because they stand for family values.

Of course Prescott bucks the trend, I've lost count of how many "Prescott? Would you?" blog posts I've seen.

Clairwil said...

I don't know though Billy, this lot seem to be so amoral and grasping I wouldn't put anything past them. Sex scandals don't really interest me beyond the cheap laugh level, though I wonder if the timing John Prescott's was an attempt to draw attention away from the more serious government mishaps.

John said...

Isn't it just another example of NuLabor (and the LibDems for that mattter - don't forget Mark Oaten and his golden showers threesome) stealing Tory ideas?

Clairwil said...

It probably is John. But wouldn't it have been so much better if they'd restricted themselves to pinching sexual rather than ideological tricks.
We can but dream.

P.S I didn't know Mark Oaten was only involved in 'golden showers' I thought his vice was worse, far worse.

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