Long term readers may be aware that I have a very irritating work colleague who occasionally makes up for ruining my life simply breathing, by making a total twat of himself. Well I'm pleased in a watching a car crash sort of way to announce he's done it again. Before I elaborate let me ask you all a question.
Gays, Bisexuals, Lesbians, Transsexuals, Heterosexuals and Foot Fetishists, what is the one thing that unites us? The one thing someone can say to us that leaves no room for misunderstanding?
Yes it's my favourite the good old 'I like you- AS A FRIEND' knock back. Good God! you don't need to be remotely sensitive to realise that really means 'I don't want to hurt your feelings but I do want you to fuck off'.
Not in the mixed up world of my dim colleague. In his mind he has a girlfriend. He is also under the impression that 'the word's getting round that he's separated' which is apparently causing a fair bit of excitement amongst the ladies of the east end. I should point out that this individual bears a striking resemblance to Mr Bean only not as attractive, wears white shoes and dances very very badly. He is thick too. Thick beyond all belief. At the time of writing he is under the impression that I have no idea who Johnny Cash was or heard any of his music. In the interests of fairness I should point out that I did tell him I'd never heard of Johnny Cash to see if he was gullible enough to believe it. He seems to enjoy believing he is far cleverer than me and I'm quite happy to give him enough rope. I still look back fondly on the pub conversation I was having with another colleague about Oscar Wilde and my total astonishment as that idiot interrupted us and started telling us to read Ron L Hubbard and William Shatner. Apparently some of their ideas are 'really interesting'.
Anyway to return to the present situation. After bombarding this poor woman with text messages she has foolishly agreed to go out with him for a drink only. In his mind this is of course a sign of something serious. He is disappointed that he couldn't 'take her somewhere really nice- like Di Maggios'. Call me a snob but I just about pissed myself when he said that. Wooooo Di Maggios is 'really nice' for fucks sake I'll bet he turns up with a box of Ferrero Rocher and tells her he's an ambassador. I'll also lay money on him having a handy stash of rohypnol with him- that is if she actually exists. In the event she is real I just hope he persuades her to go somewhere with a dance floor.