Why Bother?

Hello,
As long term readers will be aware I'm a jolly spinster, having resolved at an early age not to get married or breed. Oh I did rather like the idea of a big frock, attention and lots of presents until the realisation hit me that a wedding is essentially a hugely expensive party to which one is compelled to invite one's parents. My parent's are nice enough people but they haven't been welcome at one of my parties since I left primary school. They would be an enormous wet blanket at a wedding party the last thing a bride wants is her mother catching her inviting the best man and the bridesmaids to a post reception orgy in the honeymoon suite.

If the subject of sex comes up at family gatherings I affect a slightly bewildered look and mutter 'oh that sex yes I think I read something about it once in a medical journal, what a silly business' , then swiftly change the subject. The last thing I need is my parents seeing me drunk at a party where I'm the centre of attention and getting the right idea about me. I have disappointed mother enough.

Then there is the frankly appalling way married people speak to each other, always trying to invite a third party into their petty disputes -bloody perverted squabble swingers the lot of them. I'd prefer not to end up like that. At present if anyone makes a disparaging remark about Mr Clairwil I want to kill them. Only the other day I brought tears to someone's eyes for failing to talk about him in suitably deferential tones. Of course if I were married to him I'd merely have laughed, denounced him as a twat and started chatting folk up at the office photocopier with a view to starting several affairs.

Anyway let's meander towards the point here. Today The Guardian published an article written by a very pleasant feminist lady who's having an awful time of it getting married. For a start she's got to contend with some buffoon who reads her blog sniping that she's failed to find a way 'to bring [the patriarchy] down'. Like I say I can't see the point in getting married but to each her own.

As a result of wanky comments like the above and making the terrible error of not wanting to offend people who are determined to be offended she's forced herself to jump through all sorts of ethical hoops: using her engagement to promote the fight for same sex marriages, buying an 'off white' dress from a charity shop, keeping her last name and the like. None of which I object to. I just think it's a shame that she has been made to feel that what should be a private matter and hopefully a happy one is something that requires justification.

Normally I want to shove folk like her down the stairs. Normally I'd sneer that's she's merely exchanged chasing male approval for chasing approval from an unrepresentative group of women but she seems like a rather earnest but decent, well intentioned egg so I shall refrain from doing so, in the hope that one day she grows a sturdier backbone and sticks up a jolly two fingers to the snipers.

In that spirit I'd like to invite her to Glasgow for her hen night. It'll be top hole stuff and we promise to keep it free from ethical considerations because even feminist bloggers deserve a day off. There will be a decent curry, booze, raucous laughter, bad dancing and the promise that what happens in Glasgow stays in Glasgow*. C'mon Jessie you won't be able to enjoy your wedding day for worrying what po-faced inadequate you've upset by enjoying yourself so make your hen night a night to remember. We'll even make the first bottle fairtrade. Let your hair down and fuck the bores for one night of your life.

Cheerio

* Alternatively she could write about it on her blog and alienate the duller readership.

Fantastic Lunchbox OK

Hello,
This is possibly the most wonderful blog in the world. It is ruled by a young Japanese lady and is devoted to pictures of the fabulous things her mother makes her for lunch. Do look it is one of life's innocent pleasures.

Cheerio

I want a prize!

Hello,
It has come to my attention that The Metro is a holding a blog contest. Obviously we all know that I should win but will I? That's the worry.

In order to emerge victorious from this blog war I need nominations, thousands of the beasties and that is where you, my wonderful readers come in.

How marvellous it would be if everyone just spent a few moments over here nominating me for the grand prize. Now I come to think of it, I have no idea what the prize is but that's not the point, I just want to win it. If I don't some worthy type that blogs about issues with a straight face will win. Where's the fun in that? It's not like they'll appreciate it. Oh no they'll just be getting a sniffy like it's beneath them whereas I'll be as pleased as punch.

Go on, get nominating and feel free to brighten up my day by letting me know you've done so in the comments.

UPDATE! Oh God I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier but would you all mind nominating Councillor Terry Kelly in the Politics category. Imagine the look on the judges faces! It'll be a hoot.

Scots Blog Round Up

Hello,
The Scottish blog round up is up. I'm running the show this week, so please drop in and comment so that I get asked back.

Cheers

Ebaywatch

Hello,
Fresh from my discovery of 'The Jesus Diaries'on ebay, todays auction that defies belief is a mutant grape. I only wish I were making this stuff up.

The Mutant Grape and the Jesus Diaries (again).


Cheerio

UPDATE- It's getting worse, much worse.......

The world's most foul vegetable

A damaged soul.

A night out with a skint bird.

The depressing truth about stag nights

A coffin.

Another soul.

Pina Colada Flavour Pants

A rotten tooth.

A Sporting Estate for £20

Oh my sides!

Love And Romance

Hello,
I have just received the following e-mail from Elena who I am quite sure is a delightful young lady. As I'm neither responsible or male I don't seem to be exactly what she's after. Come to think of it, I'm not what one would describe as cute either. We shall skirt over the issue of intelligence.

Hello, I am elena. I am 27 years old and now I am looking for my
second half. He should be responsible, intelligent and cute. I think
that I am looking for you... And what do you think about it? I am
waiting for your opinion: elena.4@bestladies4u.com

I hate to disappoint though I do seem to have something of a talent for it these days. Anyway if any of the chaps reading would like to take our Elena out, her e-mail address is above and indicates that she is one of the best ladies not some mangy, shagging round the bins scrubber. Best of luck and I will be expecting a wedding invite should things go well.

This reminds me of the time a mysterious woman tried to steal Mr Clairwil by putting a hand delivered letter through his door making a 'sincere offer of romance'. Naturally I wanted to respond with a sincere offer of a sore face but Mr Clairwil put his foot down. Normally I don't take much notice of anything he says but he was quite stern and I grew frightened if slightly excited. I must say I was very disappointed in her. I had hoped that she would be more persistent and the whole thing would end with me hurling rocks at her windows. Believe me she was dangerous -I mean what sort of woman goes putting notes through stranger's doors offering it on a plate. It's disgusting and unseemly.

Cheerio