2/01/2009

God I Loathe Thieves!











Hello,
The clue is in the title. Not for the first time I and my fellow Guerrilla Gardeners are victims of crime. Some bastard has been nicking the plants we've put out on our formerly neglected patch for the benefit of everyone who passes by.

The Ill Man and I spent a good portion of Saturday evening trying to crack the case. I've been watching The Bill for years so I'm pretty knowledgeable about detective work. We're both agreed that a local is not responsible and suspect an incoming worker. Their habit of half inching two plants at a time suggests someone on foot. I believe it is one of the teachers at the local primary school, though The Ill Man suspects prejudice has led me to this conclusion. I'm half hoping it is a teacher and that I catch them in the act and can at last take terrible revenge against that wicked shower of child stunters. However other possibilities include the nearby church, colleges and university or the industrial estate.

Naturally, after exchanging theories, talk then turned to how we shall punish the scum responsible. I favoured stripping them naked, burning all their clothes and money and chasing them onto the main road whereas The Ill Man felt that holding them down and forcing them to piss themselves would be a better punishment.

My feeling is that we are not up against the usual member of the criminal classes. A proper criminal thief would make off with entire borders in one go and I don't think Glasgow is the best place to flog nicked outdoor plants as the majority of property is tenemental. No this swine is selfishly stealing public plants for their own private garden whilst no doubt convincing themselves it is a victimless crime, a minor bit of naughtiness that upsets no one. Hah! When I get my hands on them they'll rue the day they made that mistake.

My great Granny was prosecuted for beating up a marine and some other relative crushed a man's hand in a car door for looking at his car. As a family we do not make good victims. I might not be as violent as my fearsome ancestors but what I lack in muscle I make up for in inventive spite. I won't be happy until the person responsible dies of shame, has a breakdown or pays very generous compo and apologises in a grovelling fashion. Whatever comes first.

For anyone shaking their heads at my harshness or that this evidence of the wickedness of modern society, let me direct you to the following Guardian articles. This article shows that garden theft is not a new problem, though it was at least punishable by transportation. This one amply demonstrates that the liberalism of the Guardian reader does not extend to the garden. Truly they're only a lupin theft away from changing their order at the newsagent to the Daily Mail.

Why can't we bring the stocks back? I think they're a wonderful idea. Imagine the joy of hurling rotten food at a petty criminal -that's the sort of thing that brings communities together. Obviously I wouldn't condone hurling hard objects at them. What if a bad throw harmed the mob? But where's the harm in hurling a bit of shit, piss soaked sponges and rotten veg? It would be a fabulous tourist attraction -people would flock from miles around to take part. I realise it would be messy but the criminals could clear it up as part of their punishment.

Still to end on a high and remind us that for every low type there is a diamond out there. I was delighted to note that an anonymous donor had left us a bag of bulbs at the site -not cheapos either. Other than nurture the bulbs and put on an impressive floral display in the summer I cannot think of a way to thank our mysterious benefactor enough.

With the above in mind if you can identify our benefactor or our thief let me know. All heaven and hell will be unleashed accordingly.

Cheerio

4 comments:

iLL Man said...

"Beauty never lasts in this world. God, man and large dogs see to that"

I still reckon it's someone who works nearby and either gets the bus home, or passes the garden on the way to Queen Street.

As for the detritus, I'm slightly losing faith in the dictum that the more something is looked after, the less likely people are to desecrate it.

Fuck it though, there's no greater inspiration than sneerng in the face of people who are, at their best, worthless cunts.

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