Firstly I would like you all to buy this book . Modesty forbids me from telling you why. Just follow my orders. Secondly I'd like to draw your attention to this fantastic woman, I've only met her twice and already I feel a million times better. If I were in charge she'd be available on the NHS. A million times better than some tossy therapist trying to entice you up your own arse. Honestly she's a tonic, she runs a Saturday morning class at the Glasgow Metropolitan College but you can also see her one to one. If you can't afford it, commit a fraud, steal the money whatever, just get the Joyce goodness!
Good heavens I felt really Californian then, only larger, paler and with normal teeth. Now down to business. Have the Scottish media gone stark, raving mad? I merely require information. Imagine for a moment that you are a young lad of say twenty, you're a good pal of the First Minister's son and you get an invite to Bute House. Would you act the goat in said First Ministers dressing gown? Drink a miniature Vodka? Well I'm sure all you clever old sticks would behave impeccably. I think I would now but when I was twenty I would have exhausted myself thinking up ways to act the goat. In fact I'd like to own up to peeing in a wastepaper bin in the City Chambers as a protest against Labour corruption. Although now I think on it, I think I did the right thing there.
Incredibly the Daily Record are outraged that some of Jack McConnells boy's pals have behaved like drunk young men when mini Jack had an 'empty' at Bute House. What next five year old giggles at the word jobby? Six year old girl asserts that girls are better than boys? Young people disrespect authority shock? I wouldn't raise so much as an eyebrow if a teenagers messy bedroom hit the Scottish headlines before the year is out. What in the name of God is all the fuss about? It is most unlike me to miss an opportunity to be rude about Jack McConnell but I'm prepared to make an exception in this case.
I think it is the duty of us all to act the goat as much as we can without causing the collapse of civilisation. Life is a complete bore unless you have enough gumption to make your own entertainment. On that note I wish to declare next week 'Mischief Week'. Let's all be clowns, tumblers, fools and jesters. Let's all be irresponsible. Just make sure you report your exploits here. Whoever gets the biggest laugh gets a prize. Let's get slapstick.