6/17/2006

I'm not dead you know.....

Hello,

Regular visitors will notice that this blog has been uncharacteristically quiet of late. What can I say? I am ill, it is too bloody hot and absolutely nothing of interest has occurred to me for a whole week. Nevertheless I do have something to get off my chest. I haven't fully developed this theory yet and will need to do a great deal of research to establish whether or not it is valid but here goes....

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I have come to believe that we may be witnessing the de-evolution of humanity. This time next year a fifth of the Scottish population will be chimpanzees and most of them will be swamp dwelling germs by the close of the decade. I have always considered myself to be a mere baw hair from idiocy but compared to the morons I have encountered this week I am a genius. A towering intellectual giant -it really has been that bad.

On Monday I was minding my own business when a woman sat next to me on the bus even though there were other seats available. That is a serious enough crime in my opinion, however this creature wasn't content to leave it at that. She then proceeds to explain to me that she didn't want to 'sit wi any o' they suicide bombers'. I patiently explained that I wasn't a racist and didn't want to discuss the matter further, if only that had been the end of it. It seems I'd got her all wrong as 'some o' they darkies are crackin people' and 'pakis are all right but ye've goat to watch them cos they can be dead fly'. Twenty solid minutes of 'Ah'm no racist but....' later I made my escape. Does this happen to anyone else? More importantly can any racists explain why they have to be so evangelical about it? I strive to be tolerant and if people want to be racist then that's their right as long as they keep it to themselves and don't frighten the horses.

On Wednesday I picked up the phone in work only to find a very irate woman shouting at me for phoning her. I explained that I had not in fact phoned anyone that day but that if she gave me her name I would establish who had phoned her and ask them to refrain from doing so. This made her very angry she refused to give me her name called me a snobby cow and put the phone down. An hour later she phoned back to complain that I hadn't phoned her back! I patiently explained that she'd refused to give me her name and that as I didn't know who she was I couldn't find her number and phone her. At this she became furious and called me liar, put the phone down, only to call back an hour later........ It was torture, absolute torture. I wouldn't mind but the only time I did lie to her was when she accused me of thinking she was scum and I denied it. Strictly speaking that was a lie but it was well intentioned and in my view acceptable.

On Thursday I witnessed a junkie domestic. It was pitiful. Apparently her maw is a 'fuckin grass' whereas she reckons that his 'fuckin sister is a pure grass'. For some reason I can't quite put my finger on this couple are plagued by concerned people launching evil schemes to get 'the wean taken aff' them. I'm no fan of children but even I was contemplating kidnap as I watched this pointless argument degenerate into mild physical violence. The poor vacant looking wean was watching all this from his pushchair. There are times when I feel glad that we have such strict gun control laws in this country otherwise I think I'd be looking at a very long prison sentence.

On Friday I was wakened at four in the morning by screaming. I looked out the window hoping to see someone I know being murdered. No such luck. It was a fat bird. A drunk fat bird squatting and peeing and screaming. I can only presume that her behaviour was some sort of a cry for help. She was being observed by her laughing friends and four Turkish men who looked horrified. Typical immigrants they come here and don't want to fit in with our way of doing things! When was the last time you saw a drunk Turk peeing in the street and screaming? See! I rest my case.

Today my afternoon nap was interrupted by someone tunelessly belting out 'Flower Of Scotland' I went to the window and looked in the direction of the appalling racket. There was no-one there. 'How puzzling' I thought to myself when suddenly my eye was drawn to a swaying figure emerging from some bushes like a charmed snake from a basket. I have no idea what might have prompted this drunken display of patriotism but I was able to observe that a wall had made him very angry. He kicked and gestured angrily at the wall, still belting out 'Flower Of Scotland' at terrifying volume. I like a good drink, in fact I drink more than is healthy but I have never fought a wall, a lamp post or a bus shelter. It is people like our patriotic friend that have led to the ridiculous ban on glass in pubs (more of which in another post).

At this point you might be thinking that I've just quoted a few examples of daft behaviour and tacked a theory onto them but you'd be wrong. Very wrong. I have visited that nest of stupidity- the supermarket this week. I hate those bloody places with a passion. They are full of people who should not be allowed to leave the house let alone take charge of a trolley. Half the people in these places seem to think they are the only people in the world. Is it necessary for six people with vast arses to stop shopping and hold a pointless conversation in the doorway of a supermarket? Why do people who buy more than one lottery ticket have such difficulty with the concept of queuing? What on earth made a woman who looked at least thirty- five dance round her fat, beardy boyfriend saying 'me want pizza, me want pizza' like a five year old, rather than just putting one in her basket like a fucking adult?

I could go on but you'd get bored. I could refer to the volunteers in work who moan about voluntary work but keep doing it. I could tell you all sorts of tales but I shan't. So there. This time next week I will be a dribbling, knuckle dragging neanderthal and such behaviour will seem normal. I can't wait.

Cheerio

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL, i liked reading all of your complaints, i agree with the shopping, super-market thing, the amount of idiots that walk through the aisle each day...i dont know, i could never be a check-out chick, that's for sure...
catcha later.
skye

David Duff said...

Your man having the fight with a wall makes me wonder if this is not a Glaswegian trait. It takes me back several eons when I was in the army based in Bahrein (trouble in, guess where? - Iraq, natch!) One of my platoon was a Glaswegian, slightly older than most of us on account of having once served in the army, then, as a civilian, pulverising some unfortunate nigh unto death and being told by the magistrate that it was either jail or rejoining the army. Coming back one night I found him holding an aggressive, threatening conversation with the metal post that held up the veranda roof of our barrack!

Later, he was doing time in what passed for our 'nick', a tent surrounded by barbed wire. The Provost sergeant was organising a dog hunt to cull the huge population of dun coloured dogs that roamed loose. His merry men were throwing the dogs into the 'nick' pending collection and death. Jock, of course, was throwing them back out just as fast, and the sight and sound of the Provost sergeant staggering back with yet another dog under his arm complaining that, "All these fucking wog dogs look the same" reduced us all to mild hysterics.

Well, you had to of been there, I suppose!

matt lobster said...

Well done for not being dead. You've been consistantly not dead for quite a while now and I wish you all the success in this persuit in the future.

Pisces Iscariot said...

You may have heard this quote from Frank Zappa : Some Scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

Billy said...

Supermarkets are always the worst.

Although people who try and talk to you on the bus when you are reading come a close second.

Anonymous said...

your so fucking clever arent you?
NOT!

Clairwil said...

Anon1,
Cheers

David,
More army stories please.

Matt,
Thank-you

Pisces,
You may be on to something.

Billy,
I feel certain that we could write a book together.

Anon2,
The thing is -no one cares!

Anonymous said...

"When was the last time you saw a drunk Turk peeing in the street and screaming?"

I've seen a drunk Turk peeing in the street - however, he seemed to have the decency to look a bit ashamed about it rather than screaming and giggling.

John B

liwo said...

香港女星寫真,a片分享,美女色情裸體,台灣kiss情色貼圖,美腿圖,正妹,日本情色網,情色卡通下載,免費下載的做愛照片,線上a片免費看,tube影片,情色成人,ro 私服論壇,色情網,aaa片免費看短片分享區,日本人妻熟女自拍貼圖,蕃薯論壇,台灣網友自拍貼照,嘟嘟成人網,狂插漂亮美眉,8591論壇,女同志聊天室,人妻俱樂部網站,背包客棧論壇,成人性感內衣,看美女脫光光,黑澀會美眉無名,色咪咪貼影片,無碼a片,aa片免費看,免費線上觀看a片,做愛的圖片,色情漫畫,性感卡通美女圖片,香港a片,自拍,情色圖書館,plus 28 論壇,1007視訊,熟女自拍照,苗栗人聊天室,黑澀會美眉即時通,jp成人,色情,aaaaa片俱樂部,情侶歡愉用品,

okav成人影院,網友裸體自拍,交友ukiss,娘家影片,a片免費,黑澀會美眉即時通,人妻性交俱樂部,聊天室尋夢園,18禁,情色性感美女圖片,美女短片免費試看,3級女星寫真,情色短片論壇,摯愛中年聊天室,美腿貼圖,影音聊天,聊天室找一夜,g世代論壇,免費線上影片,淫蕩少女,火辣美眉自拍寫真貼圖,內衣寫真秀,美少女自拍,aa片免費看影片,麗的情色,gogo2sex,aooyy 成人玩具,台灣成人網,素人自拍,

fgeegf said...

sogo情色網,小魔女免費影片,9k躺伯虎聊天室,只有貼圖區,網路美女,a片小遊戲,比基尼辣妹影片,視訊交友90739,免費色情影片,星光情色討論版,18禁地戀愛遊戲,廁所偷拍,18禁,台灣kiss情色文學,線上看,飯島愛影片觀看,免費線上影片,美腿論壇,聊天室找一夜,情色自拍,影音日誌,自拍片,寫真女郎攝影網,網愛聊天室,情色文學網,av女優dvd,dudu 嘟嘟貼圖區,比基尼辣妹影片,視訊聊天室,自拍照片,成人論壇,模特兒寫真,a片dvd,情色偷拍,美女遊戲,666 貼圖區,成人短片,線上觀看a片,免費a片線上看,080 聊天室,情色交友,女生自衛影片,男男貼圖區,免費線上觀看a片,模特兒,家庭教師影片,情色貼片,美女貼圖片區,免費aa片試看,成人貼圖區,網際論壇,

線上直播a片,免費a圖a片,080 聊天室,av視訊,情色交友,模特兒,自拍影片,真實自拍,嘟嘟情色,視訊,免費視訊聊天室,壞朋友論壇fliendo,成人a片,美女交友,383v live實境影音秀,嘟嘟貼圖,花王自拍,飯島愛寫真集,微風寫真網,忘年之交聊天室,爽翻天成人用品,正妹百人斬,383影音live秀,美女做愛,天天情色,免費視訊聊天室,vlog電眼美女,聊天室080,情色貼片,無碼女優,showlive影音聊天網,日本女優,都都成人站,視訊會議,080 苗栗人聊天室,洪爺情色網,北部人聊天室,一葉晴貼圖區,色遊戲,同志影片,aaaa片俱樂部,免費影片線上直播,ut男同志聊天室,貼影片,免費a片下載,歐美模特兒寫真,百分百成人圖片,ut 女同聊天室,夫妻自拍,