I'm not dead you know.....


Regular visitors will notice that this blog has been uncharacteristically quiet of late. What can I say? I am ill, it is too bloody hot and absolutely nothing of interest has occurred to me for a whole week. Nevertheless I do have something to get off my chest. I haven't fully developed this theory yet and will need to do a great deal of research to establish whether or not it is valid but here goes....

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I have come to believe that we may be witnessing the de-evolution of humanity. This time next year a fifth of the Scottish population will be chimpanzees and most of them will be swamp dwelling germs by the close of the decade. I have always considered myself to be a mere baw hair from idiocy but compared to the morons I have encountered this week I am a genius. A towering intellectual giant -it really has been that bad.

On Monday I was minding my own business when a woman sat next to me on the bus even though there were other seats available. That is a serious enough crime in my opinion, however this creature wasn't content to leave it at that. She then proceeds to explain to me that she didn't want to 'sit wi any o' they suicide bombers'. I patiently explained that I wasn't a racist and didn't want to discuss the matter further, if only that had been the end of it. It seems I'd got her all wrong as 'some o' they darkies are crackin people' and 'pakis are all right but ye've goat to watch them cos they can be dead fly'. Twenty solid minutes of 'Ah'm no racist but....' later I made my escape. Does this happen to anyone else? More importantly can any racists explain why they have to be so evangelical about it? I strive to be tolerant and if people want to be racist then that's their right as long as they keep it to themselves and don't frighten the horses.

On Wednesday I picked up the phone in work only to find a very irate woman shouting at me for phoning her. I explained that I had not in fact phoned anyone that day but that if she gave me her name I would establish who had phoned her and ask them to refrain from doing so. This made her very angry she refused to give me her name called me a snobby cow and put the phone down. An hour later she phoned back to complain that I hadn't phoned her back! I patiently explained that she'd refused to give me her name and that as I didn't know who she was I couldn't find her number and phone her. At this she became furious and called me liar, put the phone down, only to call back an hour later........ It was torture, absolute torture. I wouldn't mind but the only time I did lie to her was when she accused me of thinking she was scum and I denied it. Strictly speaking that was a lie but it was well intentioned and in my view acceptable.

On Thursday I witnessed a junkie domestic. It was pitiful. Apparently her maw is a 'fuckin grass' whereas she reckons that his 'fuckin sister is a pure grass'. For some reason I can't quite put my finger on this couple are plagued by concerned people launching evil schemes to get 'the wean taken aff' them. I'm no fan of children but even I was contemplating kidnap as I watched this pointless argument degenerate into mild physical violence. The poor vacant looking wean was watching all this from his pushchair. There are times when I feel glad that we have such strict gun control laws in this country otherwise I think I'd be looking at a very long prison sentence.

On Friday I was wakened at four in the morning by screaming. I looked out the window hoping to see someone I know being murdered. No such luck. It was a fat bird. A drunk fat bird squatting and peeing and screaming. I can only presume that her behaviour was some sort of a cry for help. She was being observed by her laughing friends and four Turkish men who looked horrified. Typical immigrants they come here and don't want to fit in with our way of doing things! When was the last time you saw a drunk Turk peeing in the street and screaming? See! I rest my case.

Today my afternoon nap was interrupted by someone tunelessly belting out 'Flower Of Scotland' I went to the window and looked in the direction of the appalling racket. There was no-one there. 'How puzzling' I thought to myself when suddenly my eye was drawn to a swaying figure emerging from some bushes like a charmed snake from a basket. I have no idea what might have prompted this drunken display of patriotism but I was able to observe that a wall had made him very angry. He kicked and gestured angrily at the wall, still belting out 'Flower Of Scotland' at terrifying volume. I like a good drink, in fact I drink more than is healthy but I have never fought a wall, a lamp post or a bus shelter. It is people like our patriotic friend that have led to the ridiculous ban on glass in pubs (more of which in another post).

At this point you might be thinking that I've just quoted a few examples of daft behaviour and tacked a theory onto them but you'd be wrong. Very wrong. I have visited that nest of stupidity- the supermarket this week. I hate those bloody places with a passion. They are full of people who should not be allowed to leave the house let alone take charge of a trolley. Half the people in these places seem to think they are the only people in the world. Is it necessary for six people with vast arses to stop shopping and hold a pointless conversation in the doorway of a supermarket? Why do people who buy more than one lottery ticket have such difficulty with the concept of queuing? What on earth made a woman who looked at least thirty- five dance round her fat, beardy boyfriend saying 'me want pizza, me want pizza' like a five year old, rather than just putting one in her basket like a fucking adult?

I could go on but you'd get bored. I could refer to the volunteers in work who moan about voluntary work but keep doing it. I could tell you all sorts of tales but I shan't. So there. This time next week I will be a dribbling, knuckle dragging neanderthal and such behaviour will seem normal. I can't wait.



Anonymous said...

LOL, i liked reading all of your complaints, i agree with the shopping, super-market thing, the amount of idiots that walk through the aisle each day...i dont know, i could never be a check-out chick, that's for sure...
catcha later.

David Duff said...

Your man having the fight with a wall makes me wonder if this is not a Glaswegian trait. It takes me back several eons when I was in the army based in Bahrein (trouble in, guess where? - Iraq, natch!) One of my platoon was a Glaswegian, slightly older than most of us on account of having once served in the army, then, as a civilian, pulverising some unfortunate nigh unto death and being told by the magistrate that it was either jail or rejoining the army. Coming back one night I found him holding an aggressive, threatening conversation with the metal post that held up the veranda roof of our barrack!

Later, he was doing time in what passed for our 'nick', a tent surrounded by barbed wire. The Provost sergeant was organising a dog hunt to cull the huge population of dun coloured dogs that roamed loose. His merry men were throwing the dogs into the 'nick' pending collection and death. Jock, of course, was throwing them back out just as fast, and the sight and sound of the Provost sergeant staggering back with yet another dog under his arm complaining that, "All these fucking wog dogs look the same" reduced us all to mild hysterics.

Well, you had to of been there, I suppose!

matt lobster said...

Well done for not being dead. You've been consistantly not dead for quite a while now and I wish you all the success in this persuit in the future.

Pisces Iscariot said...

You may have heard this quote from Frank Zappa : Some Scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

Billy said...

Supermarkets are always the worst.

Although people who try and talk to you on the bus when you are reading come a close second.

Anonymous said...

your so fucking clever arent you?

Clairwil said...


More army stories please.


You may be on to something.

I feel certain that we could write a book together.

The thing is -no one cares!

Anonymous said...

"When was the last time you saw a drunk Turk peeing in the street and screaming?"

I've seen a drunk Turk peeing in the street - however, he seemed to have the decency to look a bit ashamed about it rather than screaming and giggling.

John B

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