Big Brother

A rather eventful week for me in that I am under the doctor as some of my aged relatives put it, despite my Sid James style cackling at their choice of words. I have been diagnosed with the worlds most boring illness and forbidden to work or do anything remotely stressful. To that end I've stopped watching the news, reading newspapers or books that aren't funny so if civil war breaks out over the next two weeks and I'm merrily blogging away about oven gloves you'll know why.

To that end I've taken to watching Big Brother as of this evening. It's hardly challenging viewing but even it has me asking questions. There are a number of things that puzzle me about that show. I suppose there are lots of serious concerns raised by such a show and what it says about society but sadly I'm not allowed to think about them. So I will restrict my self to my fascinating thoughts on more trivial matters.

It's bothered my for a few series now but is it normal for a young lady to drape herself all over a chap she doesn't fancy? Every time I look at that program there's some scantily clad bird hanging off a plooky and bewildered youth but claiming to like him as a friend. I may just move in unusually austere social circles but my male chums and I maintain a civilised distance. Good God! Could you imagine the poor illman's distress if I came lurching at him in my underwear in a display of mateyness. Of course you can't -it is unthinkable.

When I was still glancing at the papers I noticed that there seemed to be a general consensus that the contestants were the most freakish assortment yet with particular mention being made of the woman with the giant plastic tits. Pah! Maybe being a newly diagnosed mentalist makes one more imaginative but are giant silicone tits really all that freakish anymore? If you've seen one set you've seen them all. If she'd had a surgically enhanced giant leg or a really big eye, then yes I'd I agree she was freakish. A really big eye would be good. Imagine it looking out the telly saying 'like me' and following you round the room. Chilling but fun.



ill man said...

Ah yes, the 'touchy feely crew'. Bunch of cunts. I'm with you on this. Nothing more nauseating than people who are over friendly.

Billy said...

"If she'd had a surgically enhanced giant leg or a really big eye..."

Give it a couple of years and someone like that will be on Big Brother.

west coaster said...

So, where does the boat come in? And if you say the pier I'll have to gub you.

butteray said...

I'm struggling to see the point of BB and the latest series has me questioning the whole thing; I can't work out whether you like it, accept it, whatever? Seems a tad over exploitative, corrupting, etc

Dr Maroon said...

Re. Big Brother;
I have found that vinyl silk "Sunrise Magnolia" works best by far.
The play of textured shapes on the vinyl surface coupled with the rich rose tones which develop in blossoming patches is breathtaking. An open door or window speeds up the unfolding spectacle.

Is it the Strathclyde Police launch wallowing in a sea of shit?

alan said...

When I am finally in charge the Big Brother house will be vaporised.

Clairwil said...

I agree entirely.
I look forward to the big leg/eye persons appearance on BB. I hope they win.

I had wee squint at your post about Big Brother and I'm inclined to agree with most of it. I usually start out by turning my nose up at it, then am lured in by the media coverage. I think I've seen enough this year though. The schoolyard bullying of a clearly disturbed individual shown last night was horrible and upsetting to watch and far nastier then anything I've previously seen on BB.
There is no reason for the boat's presence.

I had considered watching paint drying but I'm all out of paint. If you could suggest something less distressing than BB and more fun than wet paint to watch I'd be very grateful.

I'm very excited to hear you're going to be in charge. Will you be standing for election or are you going to stage a coup?

alan said...

good question. i will, as you can imagine, be an old-fashioned enlightened despot (picture, if you will, an amalgamation of of michael foot and margaret thatcher), and to that end i feel a coup will be necessary, not least as a means of removing the monarchy from its privileged position in our society. the ballot box has its appeal, of course, but my attempts to lure alastair campbell out of retirement have fallen upon stony ground, and as i can think of no other means of persuading the great unwashed to place an x beside my name, i have settled upon a coup as the only realistic means at my disposal. preparations are underway as we speak. indeed i am awaiting a large consignment of custard pies this very day. as soon as order is restored i intend to offer you the position of head of reality state television, with your own office in what was formerly buckingham palace, and with a generous state pension of fifty mountain goats per annum. i hope you will accept.

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