Menaced By Christians.......


Whilst I have been known to have the odd laugh at God's expense, I do have a lot of respect for religion. I am therefore somewhat upset that a group of local Christians seem to have it in for me. I have racked my brains and I can't think what I've done to offend them. It's all so out of the blue in fact only this morning I was chatting to a Church Of Scotland minister and she seemed happy enough in my company. I can only conclude that something I have done between 11am and 7pm has offended them.

To get to the point, someone put a card through my door at around 7pm which seems to imply that I deserve to be crucified- like Jesus! for the crime of 'acting like a rebel on God's territory'. They also seem to think I am in need of a 'permanent deep, down clean' and had the effrontery to write 'Happy Easter' on the front of this dreadful document. Well it would have been until that lot started with their insane threats.

As far as I can make out this series of threats and insults are designed to make me make me attend their services. I don't know why they feel my presence is so important at these things but rarely a week goes by without these theological thugs putting something scary through my door.

One of the most peculiar invitations they sent me was the chance to come and meet Jonathan Aitken- the man who broke Carol Thatcher's heart! They omitted to mention whether or not he would be bringing his sword of truth but I passed my invitation to an excitable Tory friend who repaid my kindness by getting very nippy every time I asked if he'd proudly shown the audience the sword of truth at the do.

I do not wish to offend Mr Aitken given that he is such an avid reader of my blog. However I'm sure he wouldn't mind me saying that as a celebrity guest he wouldn't be top of many lists. If I'd been the church's entertainments manager I'd have gone for someone like Barbara Windsor or Kerry Katona. Bubbly gigglers are always a crowd puller!



Steve said...

Personally, I wouldn't want to se Johnatha Aitken's er . . . "Sword of Truth"

But y'know, what ever float's your boat.

I've not had any flyers telling me I should be cruicifed round my place yet, but I have one saying I should be a paper boy.

Being 25 doesn't rule you out apparently.

Billy said...

Not only did he have a sword of truth but also a trusty shield of fair play.

I've never had any Christian flyers, sometimes the odd Mormon tries to stop me on the street but that's about it.

ill man said...

Hope you catch the fuckers at it one day.

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