Sex For Fruit and A Strap-on In The Daily Mail

Hello,
News from the kingdom of nature reaches my ears. Apparently nowhere is safe from vice or the systematic oppression of women by the patriarchy as shouting females keep telling me I should be calling it. I am referring to the surprising revelation that lady chimpanzees have been exchanging sex for fruit. I should stress that this is sex with boy chimpanzees not the pervy boffins that have been spying on the chimps romps.

I can't help but think this information could be of use to the government in it's endless campaign to make us eat our five a day. Perhaps they might consider me for the position of 'Fucking Fruit Czar'. Mother would be so proud and it is one of my many ambitions to have a publicly funded job with a title and remit so bizarre the population rise up and overthrow the state.

Those of a nervous disposition should flee now for I bring you alarming news regarding Madonna and that clown she's married to. The Daily Mail (of all papers) informs a shocked nation that Madonna was seen carrying a 'Purple Penetrator' dildo in a see through bag. Unfortunately I have been haunted by a terrible mental image since this was put before me. Though by a strange coincidence I have always wanted to shove something up Guy Ritchie's arse albeit wrapped in barbed wire beforehand.

It has to be said I am tickled that the words 'strap-on' have appeared in The Daily Mail. This could herald the beginning of a new cultural era.

Cheerio