Clairwil v Istanbul

I was in the middle of writing this when my pc died a couple of weeks back. I'm up and running again so wallop this up to reassure anyone who's still reading that I'm still alive.

Mehabra,

Well I can now add being sexually propositioned in a mosque to my list of things I didn't expect to happen to me. Whilst I am supportive of efforts by Muslims to promote a more liberal interpretation of Islam I cannot help but think offers of 'good fuck yes' are best made outwith religious buildings. If this is typical of the sort of thing that goes on in mosques it's no wonder the women sit in their own section.

Ah yes the 'modern European city' of Istanbul. Well it is modern in the sense that you'll have no bother getting a mobile phone connection and they have all the mod cons. However if you regard wacky ideas like women being human beings or more fancifully having the right to go about their business unmolested and what have you as modern then you'll share my irritation at the failure of the airline staff to tell the women on board to put their clocks back 200 years. Actually that's a little harsh 99% of the population are fine it's just the remaining 1% that lead one to think Valerie Solanas might have had a point.


I have spent the last week, in what I learned on the last night was a 'conservative' district, in this instance 'conservative' denotes backward illiterate sex pests rather than any serious ideological position.

My advice to the lone female traveller in this neck of the woods is to walk fast, ignore everyone and don a hijab. Not because everyone else wears one (most folk don't) but looking 'conservative' in saves a lot of hassle and cuts out about 90% of the sexual harassment you're likely to encounter (unfortunately there is no cure for looking foreign). As for the quick walking and ignoring folk it's the only way to avoid the intense pressure to buy a carpet or a leather coat. Honestly it was worse than the mobile phone counter in Dixons!

Until I got the hang of the place I spent my time storming the streets of Istanbul bellowing 'ayip' (Turkish for shame on you) at people who have difficulty coping with the sight of an unaccompanied woman. Honestly between the perverts, the carpet sellers and worst of all the tits selling leather coats I struggled to get a moments peace. Actually with the exception of the perpetrator of a very minor but distressing sexual assault* I had little difficulty seeing off the sex pests. A forceful 'ayip' saw off all but two of the most persistent.


The first of the persistent element eventually after lengthy negotiations agreed to leave me alone on the condition that I passed his phone number on to the all the 'sexy Scottish women' which I am happy to do. To be honest I think he'd fuck a barber's floor so I wouldn't let lack of Scottishness, sexiness or femaleness put you off. His name is Aydun, his number is 0536213 2978 and he reckons he's a ten times a night man.


The second got me so flustered and confused that being a mere silly woman I got my dates and times all mixed up and accepted a dinner invitation on the Saturday night. I'm so absent minded I forgot that it was Friday and that I was leaving Istanbul in an hours time. Gosh I do hope I haven't blown my chances there, it's always been a dream of mine to have sex with a promiscuous halfwit who regards me with complete contempt as a human being.


Re-reading the above I realise I've made the whole trip sound worse than it actually was. Most of the population are in fact good eggs and Istanbul is well worth a visit -just be aware that there are pockets of it where between the sales and sex pests it get's bloody unbearable. According to some Turkish folk I met on my last night I'd have been better staying in Galata on the other side of the river rather than Sultanahmet. That's not to say that you should stay out of Sultanahmet, it's just that a day or two at a push is more than enough before remaining in an almost permanent state of wary alertness starts to send you murderous. Much as it pains me to admit it -you might be better taking a man with you. It's also worth mentioning that it is a haven for smokers, the foods great and the architecture stunning.

I don't mention the downside to put anyone off visiting but in the spirit of forewarned is forearmed. The guidebooks are too busy pushing the partially true 'modern European city' bit to make sufficient mention of this stuff which is a shame because had I known at the start of the week what I knew at the end I'd have had a much better time.

Oh and before anyone starts I was not walking around wearing next to nothing, in actual fact I was more covered up than most of the Turkish women one saw around the place. Nor am I making this up. I note, having scooted about the internet that there seems to be a degree of scepticism regarding accounts of sexual harassment in Turkey.

According to some it's no worse or more frequent than the harassment encountered in every other city in Europe which is odd because I've never encountered anything like it in Venice, Glasgow, Dundee, Edinburgh, London, Manchester, Paris, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Nice, Stirling, Prague or Krakow. Presumably these folk also imagine that the women of Istanbul were protesting for no reason.



Foodwise I recommend the 'Green Corner' near the Hagia Sophia. It's in pleasant surroundings, the food is quite good, they do a nice apple tea and you can smoke a waterpipe filled with lovely apple tobacco. Also worth a visit is Dubb, a fine Indian restaurant not far from The Blue Mosque. I also recommend dropping into the Sultan Pub for a drink but not for something to eat -the food is bloody awful but the staff are pleasant except for the creep on the door. Divan on Divan Yolu does a nice enough salad and bread, though there is better food elsewhere you'd be hard pushed to get friendlier service.

For those who like looking at things I recommend taking in a performance by the whirling dervishes at the Press Museum. The Topkapi Palace is worth a visit though I was disappointed that the harem was closed for the day as I was looking forward to a poke about. the rest of the palace is well worth a visit, the grounds are beautiful, the jewels on display are breathtaking ( A magpie would go mental) and I saw Mohammed's footprints and beard clippings which was unexpected. He had quite a slim foot which leads me to suspect he probably had very good ankles. Also worth a gander are The Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, The Grand Bazzaar, The Basilica Cistern and The Sultan's Tomb. All in all I didn't get to see as much as I'd have liked as I was a bit wary of straying into somewhere worse. But there will be a return journey in a few years to a different part of the city.

Cheerio


*Owner of the shop with the red canopy next to The Press Museum on Divan Yolu. I'd be grateful if you'd join me in a boycott.

Carol Thatcher

Hello,

No doubt I'll pick up tomorrow's paper to read that Fern Britton has taken to erecting burning crosses in Brixton but is now sorry for any offence caused. But can we just give the outrage a rest please? It's getting tedious.



Mind you I must admit to being baffled by racists and their desire to foist their repellent opinions on the assembled company. It happens on the bus from time to time, they sit down and start banging on about 'pakis'. I very politely advise them that I'm not racist and that I find their views offensive and don't wish to listen to them and they either start complaining that they're being censored or backtrack.



At least these are folk who can barely read a sentence or it has to be said stand up straight but what on earth was Carol Thatcher thinking? I never cast the first sweary word in conversation to avoid causing unnecessary offence. Similarly I don't presumptiously call elderly folk by their first name unless invited to do so. In other words I tailor my conversation to suit the company. I'd been led to understand from the right wing papers that the BBC was a nest of pc lefties so why on earth did Carol Thatcher think no one would mind if she started bellowing about golliwogs? Does she have no social skills? I do wonder whether or not she'd have made the same remark to Tsonga himself and if not why not?


Frankly I'd have had more respect for her if she'd stood by her remarks but as far as I can tell she wants to have her cake and eat it by violating her employers code of conduct, one with which she evidently disagrees but still wants to stay on the payroll. Oh and another thing she might wish to reflect on the fact that she only is where she is today because of her mother and that means taking the rough with the smooth or developing an ability to muddle along in the work place and be judged accordinglyon one's own merits. She has been happy in the past to take work on the basis of being Thatcher offspring . In the circumstances is having it taken away as she is claiming on that basis any different?

Still the level of outrage being shown regarding all this is ludicrious and somewhat disproportionate. As far as I can tell most folk who were offended have said so and that's been that. In contrast other sections of of the press are behaving as if civililisation has ended because some folk find racially abusive language offensive. As far as I can tell what they seem to be demanding the freedom to say what they like without consequences. This of course would be the same press who were so understanding of Jade Goody and chums for their less offensive remarks towards Shilpa Shetty. Wrong sort of parents, I suppose.

All these recent scandals do make me wonder about the nations toffs though. What is it about race that gets them so excited? We have a fair old racial mix in this country these days it's hardly a novelty seeing someone that isn't white. I can't say I've ever had the urge to stroll into work and say 'Morning my little paki friend' to the girl at the next desk. I usually find using her name and the usual chit chat suffices. Similarly I can't say I feel any urge to knock my African neighbour's door and call them a golliwog. Are the toffs worried they'll forget what race someone is if they don't keep banging on about it.

I was perusing the comments on some report of this story which I have unfortunately lost the link to and some chap was going off the deep end about all the awful things black people call white people which apparently includes 'snowflake'. I honestly hadn't heard of this before and whilst I don't want to encourage racial abuse I must confess I think 'snowflake' is charming. It's lovely like the sort of thing an elderly lady might call one as you helped her on the bus. I'm genuinely quite tickled by that, so much so that I may start calling myself snowflake.

Right that's enough from me, I'm off to Istanbul to point at the foreigners.

God I Loathe Thieves!

Hello,
The clue is in the title. Not for the first time I and my fellow Guerrilla Gardeners are victims of crime. Some bastard has been nicking the plants we've put out on our formerly neglected patch for the benefit of everyone who passes by.

The Ill Man and I spent a good portion of Saturday evening trying to crack the case. I've been watching The Bill for years so I'm pretty knowledgeable about detective work. We're both agreed that a local is not responsible and suspect an incoming worker. Their habit of half inching two plants at a time suggests someone on foot. I believe it is one of the teachers at the local primary school, though The Ill Man suspects prejudice has led me to this conclusion. I'm half hoping it is a teacher and that I catch them in the act and can at last take terrible revenge against that wicked shower of child stunters. However other possibilities include the nearby church, colleges and university or the industrial estate.

Naturally, after exchanging theories, talk then turned to how we shall punish the scum responsible. I favoured stripping them naked, burning all their clothes and money and chasing them onto the main road whereas The Ill Man felt that holding them down and forcing them to piss themselves would be a better punishment.

My feeling is that we are not up against the usual member of the criminal classes. A proper criminal thief would make off with entire borders in one go and I don't think Glasgow is the best place to flog nicked outdoor plants as the majority of property is tenemental. No this swine is selfishly stealing public plants for their own private garden whilst no doubt convincing themselves it is a victimless crime, a minor bit of naughtiness that upsets no one. Hah! When I get my hands on them they'll rue the day they made that mistake.

My great Granny was prosecuted for beating up a marine and some other relative crushed a man's hand in a car door for looking at his car. As a family we do not make good victims. I might not be as violent as my fearsome ancestors but what I lack in muscle I make up for in inventive spite. I won't be happy until the person responsible dies of shame, has a breakdown or pays very generous compo and apologises in a grovelling fashion. Whatever comes first.

For anyone shaking their heads at my harshness or that this evidence of the wickedness of modern society, let me direct you to the following Guardian articles. This article shows that garden theft is not a new problem, though it was at least punishable by transportation. This one amply demonstrates that the liberalism of the Guardian reader does not extend to the garden. Truly they're only a lupin theft away from changing their order at the newsagent to the Daily Mail.

Why can't we bring the stocks back? I think they're a wonderful idea. Imagine the joy of hurling rotten food at a petty criminal -that's the sort of thing that brings communities together. Obviously I wouldn't condone hurling hard objects at them. What if a bad throw harmed the mob? But where's the harm in hurling a bit of shit, piss soaked sponges and rotten veg? It would be a fabulous tourist attraction -people would flock from miles around to take part. I realise it would be messy but the criminals could clear it up as part of their punishment.

Still to end on a high and remind us that for every low type there is a diamond out there. I was delighted to note that an anonymous donor had left us a bag of bulbs at the site -not cheapos either. Other than nurture the bulbs and put on an impressive floral display in the summer I cannot think of a way to thank our mysterious benefactor enough.

With the above in mind if you can identify our benefactor or our thief let me know. All heaven and hell will be unleashed accordingly.

Cheerio