The News and Other Tales Of Woe.

Hello,
Excuse my long absence but I've been a bit on the busy side with a lot of dull things. It's obvious to me that I require three wives and an army of servants to even begin to keep on top of things.

Moving on to the big bad world, I see the Devil has beaten me to it in splendid style on the subject of patio heaters. I was going to suggest that all that is required is to get rid of the smoking ban. The smokers can go back indoors and reduce the need for heaters in the first place. I realise that would be controversial but if I'm honest I'd relish the prospect seeing the look on all the anti-smoking tosser's faces as I and my chums sparked up a pack of Kensitas each. God I hate health nazis. If only there was some way of finding out how many of them I've killed with my naughty smoking habit. I've so little to boast about in life, the elimination of a few thin lipped bores would give me such a sense of achievement. In a similar vein this is rather good too.

It's not a popular opinion but I rather like George Bush. Not for his policies or anything but because he's such a buffoon. Oh c'mon admit it. I don't know why people start getting hysterical at that one. It's not like the Democrats would have been any better. I mean Al Gore for fucks sake! He's a vast tedious wardrobe of hot air. What a pity he didn't know about all that environmental catastrophe stuff when he was vice-president and in a position to do something about it. I don't want to get all 'Class War' on you but I resent being lectured about carbon by some rich arsehole that's never off a bloody plane. I can't afford a car, I don't drive, I take the bus or walk and I take about two aeroplane flights a year to go on holiday, yet I have to get all anxious about my carbon footprint. When that prick gives up his cars, stops flying round the world boring everyone's arse off and encouraging witless pop stars to put on stupid, hectoring concerts then I might think about recycling a few bottles or planting some trees.

Good God! That wasn't really what I wanted to talk about at all. Forgive me I'm in one of my strops. So anyway George Bush has bought Gordon Brown a present. Instead of playing it safe with a book token like I would have he's taken a risk and ha ha ha.....bought him a leather bomber jacket. That could only have been funnier if he'd bought the Queen a PVC catsuit! I demand to see Brown in the jacket. Hilariously Brown retaliated by giving Bush a book of all things. I realise most men a crap at gifts but could they not have got their wives involved? I'd have got Bush one of those pens with a lady on it who sheds her clothes when it's turned upside down, a couple of snowstorms, a few Carry On DVDs and a bag of pretzels. For Brown I'd have gone for some socks, a nice tie and a book token or some Marks vouchers. You can't go wrong with a Marks voucher. Honestly it's no wonder the world is in the mess it's in if our rulers can't even do something a simple as an exchange of gifts without cocking it up. I despair.

I was hoping to end on something cheery but the news has been rather depressing of late, happily the weather today is far from depressing so I'm off out to enjoy that instead.


Cheerio