Having made a slightly awkward debut as a phone sex operator, I thought I'd do a spot of research on chaps. It's not that my debut was unsuccessful, far from it, everyone thinks I'm really young, which is a bonus as I get away with giggling. Say what you like about pretending to be thicker than you are but it's never failed me in life. Except for school but that could hardly be called life.
Anyway I purchased a copy of 'Nuts', hoping for a glimpse into the male psyche. Jesus Christ! What a bore! Next time I shall just go straight for the harder stuff. The problem page was rubbish. Some twat moaning about his girlfriends flatulence (frankly it's about all he deserves), a clown making himself the last man in Britain to know he's been chucked by writing in, a moustache and a sex addict or a perfectly normal teenager as we used to call them in my day.
The jokes are mediocre, the interviews dull and the features wacky. In it's defence the tits are pretty good but I'm getting a bit fed up with tits. I'm old enough to remember when they had a bit of shock value. When I was a child all the grown ups wanted to drown Sam Fox in a bag, so much so that she had to go to work in a tank, which made them (the grown ups) fit to be tied.
Apparently she's a lesbian these days. Ha Ha Ha! All the chaps that used to fancy her must be fizzing mad thinking of her with all those women. Actually I might ask her out we're the same star sign and she can drive. My needs are simple.
Time and time again I've smacked the table, well OK the bar in disgust at some slight upon the ladies and announced that a man would never allow himself to be treated with such contempt. I freely admit that I was wrong on that score. At least women's magazines pretend to be on your side -'you too can work in an office, give head and go on a diet all at once!'. If Nuts is anything to go buy the message society is sending to young men is that they're all Neil Morrissey only not as rich or funny. However my main objection to Nuts is that they have printed a picture of Jose Mourinho that's so blurred it could be next door's cat for all I know. I like Jose very much indeed. I merely require an uninterrupted view. That is all.
The research continues. Next 'The Sport'- surely the best possible name for a paper devoted to shagging and the memoirs of Abi Titmuss. Sadly that would appear to be the level these chatline things operate on.