You can imagine my surprise and delight when I received an e-mail from the lovely people at Ann Summers alerting me to their new improved Rampant Rabbit. I must say I've yet to try the old one though I'm led to understand it's very good and the young lady pictured above looks very happy. My trusty 'Red Mermaid' has got a bit predictable and between you and me, I get the impression Mr Clairwil is jealous of it. Lord knows why, for all it's many virtues it never says anything even remotely funny and it doesn't have nice hair which puts Mr Clairwil at a distinct advantage.
Anyway, have any of my merry band of readers tried the new Rabbit? Is it any good? Should I treat myself to one? Do you have to keep taking the batteries out to stop them going done mid please? I have to say that drives me insane, the last thing one wants after a good bout of mechanical fun is to have to take the batteries out and put them somewhere safe. If any evidence were need that sexism is alive and well the battery consumption of vibrators is it. How can anything consume power when it's turned off? We can put a MAN on the moon but we can't have a bloody vibrator that understands what being OFF entails! And where is your Germaine Greer when all this is going on? That's what I want to know. Surely we could at least scorch a corset in protest.
Oh and before all you dry old sticks start banging on about solar or mains power let me stop you now. Do you honestly think I'd be foolish enough to stick anything attached to the national grid up little Clairwil and it is little, just very flexible? Good God what if there was a power surge? I knew a woman who's telly blew up as a result of a power surge. What would my poor mother say if I was exploded by a sex toy? What in God's name would they put on my gravestone? Natural causes? Faulty wiring? Pleasure?
Solar power is another no no. I live in a small tenement flat, I don't have a private garden. I'd have to position myself by the window! Tourist buses pass my house, there is a student halls of residence directly across from me. There would be an international incident or worse.
Do not even think of suggesting 'elbow grease'. I've tried Billy Connolly's trick of lying on your arm till it goes numb and it feels like someone else is doing it. Or at least that's the theory, any time I do it I lose control of my arm with really quite frustrating results.
So that's that sorted it's either batteries or clockwork.